Comments from BlackRonin
|2011-09-14 06:30:17||The Storm||This is not bad, though as some people have already mentioned it ends at the WORST possible time (I'm aware there are more chapters though).
Your prose flows surprisingly well, and to be honest at times it's so lyrical (in a coarse way, naturally) that it becomes a bit intimidating. The flashback subplot about obsession was good enough that it probably should have been a story in itself.
Your main problem, I think, is structure; you have an ENORMOUS info dump here, and it's not pretty. Granted, there's really no good way to deal with exposition on this scale, but you really want to at least break this up a bit.
The story also occasionally suffers from a lack of clarity of tone; comparing a character's cock to an M16 is, from a certain point of view, a hilarious and pointed deconstruction of Freudian imagery in pop culture. But it's a little hard to tell if that was intentional or if the image was meant to be played straight.
You have the makings of a hell of thing here. Ke
|2011-10-02 04:50:32||One Special Day. CAW-8||This is not bad, but it feels too brief and the style is somewhat jittery and fragmented.|
|2011-10-02 05:01:56||Mom's Second Husband||The frame story of an anecdote amongst a group of friends is a classic device to provide context, and it's put to good use here. The body of the story exercises a dynamic but minimalist style which is engaging. I'm not sure I like the ending though, as it feels heavy-handed.|
|2011-10-02 06:20:29||Hardcore Porno: a Now That's Fucking Hardcore! story||This has a polished quality, and the prose is very measured and controlled. There's genuine tension leading up to the scene, and the narrative voice feels natural and engaging. The plot's a little formulaic, but that's not always such a bad thing, since formulas became formula because they were good to begin with.|
|2011-10-25 02:42:57||The Company of Wolves.||I'm not much of an Agatha Christie fan, although I did read "And Then There Were None" many years ago and liked it. A story I'm working on now is something of a murder mystery, and although it's informed more by "The Phantom of the Opera" maybe I should read a little Christie as a reference. Thanks for the comments, it makes all the work worthwhile.|