Comments from BlackRonin
|2011-10-25 05:34:19||The Five - Witches' Brew CAW 8.5||This is not bad, but troubled. The dialogue feels unwieldy and, to be brutally honest, flat. Traditionally dialogue is always the hardest thing to write. Take a few lines, particularly from the beginning of the story, and say them out loud; if they don't sound natural, and if they're not pleasant to say and listen to, then something is off. Writing first person narration helps too, since it's basically a way of turning narration into dialogue.
I wish I had better advice, since there's no good criticizing without offering a solution, but I'm afraid it's just a really tough thing. I do notice, though, that the more colorful a character is, the better their speech comes through in this story; the sleazy principal, for example, has a bit more spark to his spoken lines than some of the others.
|2011-10-26 01:50:05||Twisted Fairy Tales: Introduction||Unreadable? Not even close. Oh, it's got problems, no doubt about that, but this is far from the worst style featured on the site. In fact, I'd say there are a number of things going for this story. The Prince Charming section is actually quite funny, and the Red Riding Hood business is mining fertile territory, since that 'fairy tale' is really all about sex.
The spotty grammar is not the major problem. Rather I would say that the big problem is just a general lack of maturity. Not intellectual maturity or maturity of content (prurience is actually a good thing in this context), but maturity of style, the kind of deftness and craftsmanship with language that really good stories show. If BTK69 wants to write sexually-themed fairy tales, he might want to read Angela Carter, particularly 'The Tiger's Bride', which could do a lot to inform anyone's reading of 'Beauty & the Beast.'
|2011-10-28 01:27:20||Matty Groves.||As far as I can tell, they're no one at all, just the characters of a very old song. First written version dates from the 17th century, but it's almost certainly older than that. I stuck as close to the plot and some of the dialogue from the original ballad (which you can find recordings of all over the internet) as possible while trying to add more depth to the narrative. Not sure if I like how it turned out, but it was an experiment. Thanks for reading.|
|2011-10-31 22:21:30||The Company of Wolves.||My advice if you're twelve is to stay off of this site for pressing legal reasons.
About Poe I would recommend 'The Fall of the House of Usher' and 'Murders in the Rue Morgue.'
But, seriously, you shouldn't be on this site. Now, granted, I was twelve once too and I know how it is, but cut me a break here. How am I going to be able to write this stuff if I think about sixth graders reading it later?
|2011-11-10 01:38:56||Maria Gonzales (Chap 1)||This is a little ungainly; the present tense is always awkward (in my opinion), but when you list suddenly into past tense now and then it's dizzying. A lot of the sentences run on, and while the general syntax is correct, much of it is awkward. And why on earth do we just slam right into a few stray paragraphs from the other character's point of view toward the end?
It seems that Maria is rather resigned to her fate from the outset, which is disappointing. While the pattern of victimization established is insightful in its own right, it's not as appealing hearing about a character who is already broken-down before the downward arch even starts.
I appreciate the exploitative style, but it feels forced to me. Still, there's lots of places go to, and I see several other chapters already posted to general acclaim, so congrats on the popularity of the series, and good luck on your other projects.