Comments from BlackRonin
|2011-11-10 01:38:56||Maria Gonzales (Chap 1)||This is a little ungainly; the present tense is always awkward (in my opinion), but when you list suddenly into past tense now and then it's dizzying. A lot of the sentences run on, and while the general syntax is correct, much of it is awkward. And why on earth do we just slam right into a few stray paragraphs from the other character's point of view toward the end?
It seems that Maria is rather resigned to her fate from the outset, which is disappointing. While the pattern of victimization established is insightful in its own right, it's not as appealing hearing about a character who is already broken-down before the downward arch even starts.
I appreciate the exploitative style, but it feels forced to me. Still, there's lots of places go to, and I see several other chapters already posted to general acclaim, so congrats on the popularity of the series, and good luck on your other projects.
|2011-11-10 01:44:23||Bloodbath, Case #2 - Part 1||Well if your work isn't particularly popular, at least a little of the blame probably just goes toward the violent themes, which turn certain people off as a matter of kind. Although I actually that you're doing this with gay characters, something you pretty much never see.
The story itself, though, is too brief by far, gives us scantily little to care about the characters before putting them in danger, and features some turgid prose ("sliced the still, cold air,") that weights it down
|2011-11-10 05:46:24||Working Late||Strangely, the previous commenter seems to be very angry at this writer for creating a violent fantasy, but himself has just indulged in an even more violent one.|
|2011-11-18 03:51:26||Eliot Walker and the Beautiful Angels.||The chemicals et al. are supposed to represent the Angels trying to break down and understand physical existence the way you would computer code. That was the idea anyway; it didn't work as well as I expected. If I could, I'd probably rewrite the whole thing.|
|2011-12-11 05:53:35||Festival.||I very rarely write direct sequels to things. If at some point I get an idea for another story about the same character then it's certainly possible, but by and large I believe this is the end.|