Comments from DoomCock
|2010-05-09 14:49:52||A curious daughter||I can't say this wasn't an arousing story, but the presumed age of little Clarice debunks the credibility of the story as a whole. I don't doubt that, were this to occur in reality, it would play out much like this. But the pensiveness of a little girl would surely prevent her from acting on her curiosities that same night, regardless of the safety net provided a deep drunken sleep.
That aside, this was an excellent first chapter. The only other contention I'd have is proofreading. Though not too many, this had several easily fixed and easily spotted spelling and grammar errors. Rereading your own story once completed, while seemingly tedious, goes a long way for overall readability.
All that being said, good story, great details and excellent perspective in the use of the third-party "innocent little girl" standpoint.
|2011-03-01 02:49:40||Well done indeed. While a holistically unrealistic story arc, the eroticism was definitely arousing on several levels. Great build-up to the fact that Tammy was having an affair with a woman, and the final scene was well structured.
However, the story as a whole was largely underdeveloped. Firstly, "Chapter Two" was hardly a chapter at all, and could have been rolled into "Chapter Three". Also, I could find no detailed description of either woman through the entirety of the text, short of a comparison to Heather and the fact Casey and Tammy were blonde. More character details would have made it more vivid. The scene of Tammy walking in on them, I felt, was too short in detail as well. The weight of the situation didn't quite come through.
Overall, it was good, but could have been better. If this was meant as a short-form story meant to be an entry in one's "spank bank", mission accomplished.
|2011-06-30 20:53:00||Amy's first time with Anal as a bonus||With as many stories as he's posted, most of them negatively geared toward pedophiles and others merely raunchy, poorly-written attempts at decent S&M story arcs, I'm led to believe this man is some manner of professional troll. Keep wasting your time on these shitty, pointless stories. Maybe one day you'll be hired by Fox News to be a reporter.|
|2011-11-03 15:12:11||Sister's Curiousities||Entirely too much use of the words 'lightly' 'gently' and 'softly'. There was one sentence in the middle there where you used all three. The prose was childish and the sentence structure was non-existent. Good scene and I encourage you to keep writing, but learn how to form cogent paragraphs and expand your vocabulary so that it's more enjoyable.
|2012-11-29 23:17:05||A Mother and Daughter Affair (the Whole Story)||This is already a rewrite... The title attache (Whole Story) suggests that this was an omnibus of several previously written chapters. There are no real chapter breaks unless you count the change in perspective, and neither this or anything with the same characters or same situations have been posted here previously. This further suggests this is not an original story. This, by itself, doesn't bother me, it's a good story. But give credit where it's due, please. If this is your story, I would give a full review, but I don't believe that it is. Write something original. I've yet seen any consistency of style, use of grammar or story structure in anything you've posted.|