Comments from MrSoftee

Date Story title Comment
2011-10-30 20:47:03 Re the previous comment, glad you enjoyed it. Lettie, John and Vicki are the three Mellor children who appeared in David's porch and also at the party and swam in Chapter 1.

After that, as far as the initial Whitaker 'household' is concerned John and Vicki are a surprise, so they couldn't have too much of an introduction.

In my mind there isn't too much of an overall plot, the big happening is the establishment of the commune then Ch 4, 5 are snapshots of events within it. I suppose they're more episodes than chapters, that's true..

Anyway its read numbers are wrecked now unless an awful lot of people vote for it, so I don't what I'll do with it. I guess I have to see if I could have made it clearer without making it horribly obvious with a "Lettie I Love You" ending :))
2011-11-20 13:27:59 Coping with Retirement, part 5 - Sibling Rivalry Out of nowhere? I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'introduced' but In the first chapter Lettie strikes a deal to bring lezzie girlfriends round, that's various unspecified girls as it's going to be a place where they can have sex, which they can't at home.

Then in Chapter 3 Janie explains more about girls coming round and the first one - Lara - comes. In Chapter 4 Lettie likens it to School of Rock except it's a school for sex :))

Everyone except David goes to the same school, maybe I needed to make that more clear? It's covered in Ch3.

So David's house is a destination, and in this chapter Seeta and Graham are new, invited by Lettie.
2011-11-29 12:35:14 Superb! Really loved it. I hope you're going to take it forward as fiction?? It has all kinds of potential. The mind boggles at the idea of you and Raquel, just for starters...
2011-12-05 09:02:49 House Guests pt. 3-4 (w/ revised/re-edited pt. 1-2) Terrific story thanks!
2011-12-11 05:58:55 Coping with Retirement, part 5 - Sibling Rivalry Mmm, well there's been a time gap between this and the previous episode, during which stuff has been happening that Vicki's been jealously observing. One of those things is that Lettie, who runs the show, has invited their Greek God of a PE teacher to join in. They all know him of course, except David who is under her spell.

So it doesn't seem odd to me! The plot is basically Lettie taking over David's house and bringing who she wants in a modern-day commune that echoes David's hippie days. Though I'm grateful you commented. I'll keep thinking about it, maybe I'll see it. Other characters have popped in like girls on the lawn, that seems in-plot to me.

He IS a dramatic necessity, to make the need to involve Vicki so urgent, so maybe that makes it seem a bit forced. Or perhaps it WAS a bit forced! How would you have 'introduced' him?