Comments from Ludwig

Date Story title Comment
2011-08-02 05:33:55 Group Outdoor I like it. It's written in the first-person present-tense (consistentlly!), which keeps the pace going. One thing I would change would be your use of numbers. 1) Always write them in words 2) beware of overusing them in place of the concept you are trying to convey. Instead of '10 inches' how about 'huge'? Instead of "after 10 minutes'" how about "some time later we have satisfied ourselves with this position - it's time for a change" . The scene on the bus was great - and in fact you did do this ("I stay like this for a few moments"). Also in that scene the protagonist's feelings come through ("I can feel their eyes on me", "I can't help but smile") and that's always a turn-on. An excellent first story; more please.
2011-08-02 05:36:19 Group Outdoor Aargh! Can we have a preview function so we can check the formatting of our comments and stories?
2011-08-03 05:18:19 A Biker's Old Lady Best I've read on this site so far. I found myself caring about the characters, great background (divorce, son Jared, niece Isabella), the bar scene was deftly painted (darts, pool, dancefloor, other MC's) and the sex was maturely written, a touch exaggerated - but that's appropriate here. More please.