Comments from DiscipleN
|2013-02-08 14:21:09||Crashing a High School party||I think this is not an actual true story, but the writing is very matter-of-fact, and the dry prose helps to make it feel real. At first, I didn't like the "He did this." "He did that." "He did this other thing." cadence. It felt too mechanical. but now I think it underscores the power a rapist can assume over a victim. Chilling. 'True story' rape is not erotic to me, but I'm glad I read this.|
|2013-02-08 16:58:13||Moms Joins the 10+ Club||This is definitely my kind of story. I got pretty hot reading it. Thanks for writing it.
I have suggestions to improve your story telling, if you're happy with how you write, then just ignore the following.
The story's big weakness is, each thing happening in the story doesn't follow in an interesting way. The classic example is, "The king died. Then the queen died." It's very rote and dull compared to, "The king died. Then the queen died, of grief."
Why something happens is very important to story telling. Interesting reasons why, make better stories. I would have written more about what Pam was thinking, and how she came to be dominated. It seemed like she suddenly just went along with everything, after her initial dismissal of Ray's offer.
I would love to read a new story from you that tried to show more of the characters' influences, motivations and emotional/mental state.