One day Bob Blobluto was playing “76 trombones” on his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone. He was on the fifth verse and in a dream world with 75 other trombonists leading a big parade. There were also a hundred and ten cornets, a thousand reeds, copper bottom tympani, big bassoons, fifty mounted cannon, clarinets, and trumpeters.
As Bob Blobluto finished the song, he opened his eyes and acclimated himself to his surroundings. He was in his room in his mother’s basement. It smelled like bad cheese, sox, sweat, bong water, and sperm. He was 39 years old.
Bob Blobluto aimed the spit valve at the end of the slide of his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone at the “Hills Brothers” coffee can on the floor, depressed the spit valve and blew into the instrument. A stream of spit splished into the nearly full coffee can.
Bob Blobluto knew he should call Richard Widemouth and tell him the can was full.
Bob Blobluto figured he would jack off soon. He marveled at the design of the spit valve on his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone. The Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone has a double slide and spit collects in both tubes. The Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone has two spit valves, one for each tube. The two spit valves were operated by depressing a single lever! He had a Conn BB flat contrabass trombone too, but that model only has one spit valve. It didn’t have the spit yield potential of his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone.
Bob Blobluto put his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone down, picked up his cell phone and called Richard Widemouth.
“Richard” said Bob Blobluto, “This is Bob Blobluto.”
“Oh hi Bob!” said Richard Widemouth in a voice that sounded genuinely surprised, “How’s that can coming along?”
“It’s full. 85 percent “76 trombones”, 10 percent “Theme from Rocky” five percent warm up and tuning.” replied Bob Blobluto. “It’s all out of my Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone
“Yeah cool. I gotta get a label made up. When can I pick the can up?” asked Richard Widemouth in a brotherly voice that reeked of condescension.
“Well,” replied Bob Blobluto “I’m getting ready to jack off. Stop over after four. I’ll be done slappin’ the hog by then.”
“Cool!” Said Richard Widemouth “I’ll hook you up with this dude Leroy Shempkowski. He jams a mean “Theme from Rocky” and he’s learning “76 Trombones”. He wants to jam with you.”
“Cool” said Bob Blobluto “I’d suck on his seed blaster too, unless he’s a fat ass.”
“Oh, he’s not fat” offered Richard Widemouth in a voice that cracked with a custard sound. “He’d let you slurp on his chode until he shoots a load of baby batter into your gappin’ yapper. Do you have a poem for me?”
“Sure” replied Bob Blobluto “She was a mellow frumpy girl
With spanked on Jell-O wiggly thighs
She frowned like she could never mind
To go down blind
And lick the cigar mushroom head of the
Meat cigar oh meat cigar
Her head in the lap
Smoked the cigar of the meat with the mushroom head of the
Musky meat cigar milk the meat cigar
Salty mushroom head
James Brown meat cigar
Funky meat cigar milk the meat cigar, crusty meat cigar
Crank the cream from ye
Whose Groin protrudes
Yon bonny meat cigar
Meat cigar bonny meat cigar
Meat cigar thine lonely Meat cigar
Meat cigar oh bonny Meat cigar
Meat cigar gigantor Meat cigar
Oh meat cigar flamboyant Meat cigar
Meat cigar lime Jell-O Meat cigar
Meat cigar Kaopeptate Meat cigar
Meat cigar magnesium crusty meat cigar
Meat cigar those incidents were mentioned casually during a visit earlier this month by
Thine bonny meat cigar oh meat cigar
Where for art thou oh bonny meat cigar
Meat cigar oh handsome meat cigar
Gelatin is made from the boiled bones, skins and tendons of animals
Oh funky Meat cigar
Ain’t it funky now bonny meat cigar
Meat cigar oh Meat cigar
What images jiffy-pop into your mind’s eye
Meat cigar oh meat cigar
Lick my ingrown toenail jolly meat cigar
Funky Meat cigar”
“Wow” said Richard Widemouth in a voice coated with honey, “That really tells me that even if it were 1964 or 1976 and I was in Innsbruck Austria, I might miss some of the events of the winter Olympics so I could jack off while I have some fine young Austrian whore dress up like a cheerleader and ra ra ra me to a rich and rewarding climax.”
“I can dig it, cool cat. HUEVOS DE RANCHO!” Intoned Bob Blobluto “I always knew a skinned cat is better than no cat all! I gotta go. Stop by at four or so. I should be done spankin’ the schlong by then.
Bob Blobluto hung up and started to jack off but he went limp when he thought about how his lord and savior Jesus Christ could see him jacking off and so could his guardian angel and the Virgin Mary. The Father God and the Ghost God would know Bob Blobluto was jacking off too because they are actually one and the same with the Son God Jesus.
Bob Blobluto wiped the pre-cum off his flaccid penis and imagined the Virgin Mary in a cheerleader outfit with a tiny thong and shiny tights without the crotch area so the outlines of the Virgin Mary’s vulvic mound would be puffy and visible as she kicked her way through her cheer routine. Wisps of her pubic hair curled out escaping the confines of her tiny polka dotted thong. His bone quickly hardened and he shot a huge load of spunk into a couple of old burger king napkins.