One warm summer like October evening in Nebraska some lesbians were having an ice cream social. Some lesbians were getting nervous that they might run out of “Rocky Road” ice cream.
Just before that in Beach Park Illinois Jimmy Craktcorn burped because he had just eaten a large, thin-crust pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, onions, anchovies and mushrooms. It was yummy, and the toppings were just what Jimmy Craktcorn liked on a pizza.
Soon, Jimmy Craktcorn cut a fart that stank so bad it smelled like something crawled up his ass and died.
"Dude" said Jimmy Craktcorn to no one “That stank so bad it smelled like something crawled up my ass and died. I’d better call Harry"
Jimmy Craktcorn picked up his land line phone and dialed his friend Harry’s number.
“Hello” said the voice that picked up the phone.
“Harry?” said Jimmy Craktcorn “What are you doing?”
“Well,” said the voice on the phone “This is not Harry, but I was playing my trumpet and I heard the phone ring so I blew the spit out of my horn through the spit valve and answered the phone. Since a brass player is essentially forcing air between his lips and into the mouthpiece in order to make the sound, naturally a lot of... well... spit gets through as well. The spit valve is made to release the moisture which collects inside the trumpet during playing. The rubber or cork gasket on the valve seals it tightly
until it is time for the spit to be carefully and discretely disposed of. Some members of the trumpet family even have two or more spit valves! My name is Ralph.”
“Well Ralph, I’m looking for Harry.” Said Jimmy Craktcorn. “I must have the wrong number. Thanks.”
“I suppose you wanted to talk to this Harry about the Moon Landing today.” Continued Ralph.
“The Moon Landing was almost 40 years ago.” Said Jimmy Craktcorn
“No” said Ralph. “It was today at 4:17:42 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time. Today July 20, 1969.”
“Here its June 18, 2007.” Said Jimmy Craktcorn “I must have the wrong number.” Jimmy Craktcorn hung up the phone.
Suddenly, Jimmy Craktcorn cut a fart that stank even worse than the fart he had expelled previously which smelled like something had crawled up his ass and died. This most recent fart smell like something had crawled up the ass of what ever had crawled up his ass and died…and died!
Jimmy Craktcorn took an acid reducer to neutralize gastric acidity causing the heartburn, acid indigestion, sour stomach, and farts that stank even worse that something crawled up his ass and died.
Soon, Jimmy Craktcorn had a runny nose, dizziness, and a decrease in semen.
Jimmy Craktcorn stood up and experienced a sudden decrease in blood pressure that could have resulted in fainting so Jimmy Craktcorn sat back down.
Four hours later, Jimmy Craktcorn noticed he’d had an erection for four hours.
Then there was a knock at the door. Jimmy Craktcorn got up and answered the door. It was Harry.
“Harry” said Jimmy Craktcorn “It’s so good to see you. I ate a large, thin-crust pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, onions, anchovies and mushrooms. It was yummy, and all the toppings were just what I like on a pizza. Then, I cut a fart that stank so bad it smelled like something crawled up my ass and died. I tried to call you, but I got some guy playing his trumpet on July 20, 1969. Then, I cut a fart that stank even worse than the fart I had expelled previously which smelled like something had crawled up my ass and died. This most recent fart smell like something had crawled up the ass of what ever had crawled up my ass and died…and died! Then, I had a runny nose, dizziness, and a decrease in semen. I tried to get up, but I experienced a sudden decrease in blood pressure that could have resulted in fainting so I sat back down. Four hours later, I noticed I’d had an erection for four hours.”
"Dude" Harry "I should check and make sure something didn't crawl up your ass and die."
"Ok” said Jimmy Craktcorn "why don't you check and make sure something didn't crawl up my ass and die
Jimmy Craktcorn dropped his trousers and stretch lace, silky, semi-sheer pinkish panties with a low five and a half inch rise and Harry had a look.
"Dude" said Harry "Your bunger looks like a cute little randy mollusk! I wanna give it a little kiss."
"Ok" said Jimmy Craktcorn
Harry began to kiss Jimmy Craktcorn puckered bunger when Jimmy Craktcorn cut a fart that stank so bad it smelled like something had crawled into a sewer and died. Harry was almost bowled over by the force of the expulsion of intestinal gas shooting out of Jimmy Craktcorn’s puckered bunger. It was a dank, rich, gaseous, rank and fumy fart. The kind of fart one usually only reads about in old copies of the “New Yorker” or “Vanity Fair” magazine.
“Sorry Harry” said Jimmy Craktcorn “That was a real bun shaker. A real one gun salute. A real cheek flapper.”
“Damn Jimmy, You really blew me a kiss. You really blasted the ass trumpet. That was a real beefy air biscuit.” Said Harry.
“Hey Harry, how’s your new wife Louise doing?” asked Jimmy Craktcorn
“Louise was a harlot. She was not a virgin when she married me!” said Harry
“No shit Sherlock.” laughed Jimmy Craktcorn thinking about how Louise squealed when he fucked her for about a week straight about 2 years ago.
“Well I took her back to her father’s house with some guys from the city and stoned her to death on her father’s doorstep. It’s what Jesus wanted. It says so in the 22nd chapter Deuteronomy verses 13-21 where it says…
13 "If any man takes a wife, and goes in to her, and then spurns her, 14 and charges her with shameful conduct, and brings an evil name upon her, saying, 'I took this woman, and when I came near her, I did not find in her the tokens of virginity,' 15 then the father of the young woman and her mother shall take and bring out the tokens of her virginity to the elders of the city in the gate; 16 and the father of the young woman shall say to the elders, 'I gave my daughter to this man to wife, and he spurns her; 17 and lo, he has made shameful charges against her, saying, "I did not find in your daughter the tokens of virginity." And yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity.' And they shall spread the garment before the elders of the city. 18 Then the elders of that city shall take the man and whip him; 19 and they shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver, and give them to the father of the young woman, because he has brought an evil name upon a virgin of Israel; and she shall be his wife; he may not put her away all his days.
20 But if the thing is true, that the tokens of virginity were not found in the young woman, 21 then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones””
“But that’s Old Testament crazy shit. It doesn’t apply” said Jimmy Craktcorn
“Oh but it does apply. It is one of the 613 Mitzvot. The Laws given to Moses by God.” Explained Harry. “Jesus affirmed the validity of the law in Matthew 5:17-19 when he said “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill. For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.”
"Praise Jesus. DAMN am I rank! I'm RIPE!" exclaimed Jimmy Craktcorn. "I just sniffed my finger nails after scratching my balls and I damn near fell over! It was a pungent raw smell of vinegar, ammonia, dank stale cunt with a hint of vanilla that just about bowled me over. Praise Jesus! I suppose I'll have to take a shower soon."