One day, as the wind whispered soft promises of meadows blooming with spring and lazy streams with blue gills pussy willows robin red breast blue birds and soft sarsaparilla sodas, Jen Jizzwhistle wanted to get down get funky get crazy and go out and party, but first she wanted to make sure her cunt didn’t smell like a dead old goat.
Jen called her friend Jack.
“Hi Jack” said Jen, “I’m thinking about going out partying tonight and I want to make sure my cunt doesn’t smell like a dead old goat. I’d sure want to get the dead old goat smell out of my cockpit before I’d present it to any respectable man. I gave my honey pot a double douche but Jack; I need you to come over and sniff my cooter and tell me if it smells like a dead old goat or something of that nature. Can you come over and give it a quick sniff tonight?”
“Sure” said Jack “I can swing by and give your tampon socket a sniff tonight. That way, if it doesn’t smell like a dead old goat or something of that nature, you can be comforted in the knowledge that the problem is not that your box smells like a dead old goat or something of that nature and you are unable to discern that on your own. I know I told you about this woman at work who wears a ton of stinky perfume and she sure doesn’t realize it. ”
“Oh my…Yes. I might smell bad and not know it.” Jen looked shocked and a little worried. “My lobster pot might smell like a dead old goat or something of that nature, and I just don’t know it! You remember I use to date your friend Larry. Larry’s Prick was ugly and smelled like ammonia, limburger and, old sweat socks. I’m sure he didn’t realize it.”
“Yes. You’ve mentioned that before.” Replied Jack softly
“I can’t blame him for having an ugly penis, but, I mean, limburger is a good cheese if you like limburger, and then maybe you might like the smell of limburger cheese, but a man’s penis shouldn’t smell like limburger cheese. I suppose you could say that a guy’s dick shouldn’t smell like a blueberry muffin, but a blueberry muffin is a pleasant smell that can be appreciated as a pleasant scent on its own. You can’t say that about limburger. Have you ever seen a limburger scented candle? I’ve actually seen a “blueberry muffin” scented candle. I’ve never seen a “limburger” scented candle. I’ve never seen an “ammonia” or “old sweat socks” scented candle either.” Said Jen “Anyhow, when can you be here to give my snapper a sniff?”
“I’ll be there in an hour” said Jack “See you then.”
“Ok thanks” said Jen.
Jack hung up, itched his psoriasis elbow and thought about Jen. He wondered if Jen was a lesbo vampire from space. Outer space.
Jack open the door of his house as the wind blew a whisper through the willow in front of the house. The chorus of cicadas reached a crescendo as the warm wind picked up, then started to die down. Somewhere nearby an owl hooted at the waxing crescent moon. He started to walk to Jen’s house. Three fat girls with lollypops walked towards him. He could smell garlic and freedom fries on them. He could hear them talking about ice cream and cake.
Jack was almost to Jen’s house. He really liked sniffing her cooch, but as of late, he had started to develop feelings for her. It hurt him to know he was participating in this charade with a woman he had started to develop feelings for just so he could occasionally sniff her gash and assure her that it didn’t smell like an old goat, or something of that nature. He felt as though he had cheapened himself, but he loved sniffing Jen’s bearded taco.
Jack really hoped Jen’s cunt was free of the crusty pieces of hardened discharge that he sometimes found on her longer pubic hairs near her cum dumpster’s opening. Quimmets is what she called them. He liked her cockpit squeaky clean. It gave him cause for arousal. Jack mind was filled with Jen’s meat wallet, romance, and song.
Stars shone and crickets sang as Jack made his way to Jen’s house when he realized he needed a haircut. As luck would have it Jack was approaching a hair salon called
“D S’s HAIR SALON”, and it was open. Jack went in. He was shocked by what he saw.
“May I help you?” asked the 8 foot tall red demon barber.
“Yes.” Said Jack “I need a haircut.” Jack looked at the demon. It had horns on its head and a tail. It was naked and had a huge erect warty penis. Jack wanted to suck the demon’s huge warty penis which was very strange indeed since Jack was a total heterosexual.
“Sit down sir” said the demon “I’m the Devil Satan and I will be cutting your hair.”
The Devil Satan cut Jacks hair. Jack looked in the mirror and screamed.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Devil Satan, you gave me a mullet, and all I can think about is sucking your big warty satanic penis!” Yelled Jack.
“A mullet is what you need. You look so cute, that I would let you suck my big warty satanic wiener.” Said the Devil Satan. “Go ahead! Give her a whirl!”
Jack slurped as much of the Devil Satan Lucifer’s huge warty satanic shlong into his mouth. All Jack could do was get his mouth over part of the huge tip and lick the piss slit. Suddenly the Devil Satan Lucifer Beelzebub touched Jack’s cheek and Jack’s entire mouth and throat slowly stretched out until Jack’s mouth and throat could accommodate the Devil Satan Lucifer Beelzebub’s entire huge warty satanic willy. Jack slurped at the huge warty satanic shaft like it was a huge spaghetti.