One day it was global warming hot and some three ladies were having daiquiris at an independent brew distillery in Cleveland. They had a table outside in the beer garden.
“Oh my f. frumpy fiddlesticks!” said Laura; Laura was an 18 year old redhead. Not only did her glamorous, shiny, yet sheer pantyhose have all the standard luxury features such as comfort waistband and flat seams, but they offered medium compression sheer support, invisible control for hips and thighs and an invisible reinforced toe.
“I thought these would be the pantyhose that you can wear in the jungle as protection against leeches." Continued Laura, " A leech will attach itself to your leg. Because of the sheer nylon screen between you and the leech, the parasite is simple to remove, merely by taking off the glamorous, shiny, yet sheer pantyhose. Anyway, these are not the jungle-warfare protective pantyhose for use in swampy terrain. They DO look good, they are comfortable, and they are glamorous, shiny, yet sheer pantyhose and they have all the standard luxury features such as comfort waistband and flat seams, but they also provide medium compression sheer support, invisible control for hips and thighs and an invisible reinforced toe. I was quite happy that I accidentally found them. They didn't run when I put them on, they weren't too tight, stayed supportive and firm, didn't run all night (including at the wedding dance--I was a bridesmaid), and I washed them out and they still look brand-new. These are awesome pantyhose. The color was light enough so they don’t look fake. I'm super pale, and they hold up great. Wow”
Suddenly, Laura felt abdominal discomfort, agitation, anxiety, constipation, decreased sex drive, diarrhea and loose stools, difficulty with ejaculation, bloating, dry mouth, fatigue, gas, dry eyes and mouth, decreased appetite, chills, inability to sleep, and hives. Laura forcefully expulsed the contents of her stomach through her mouth and nose; vomiting gelatinous chunks of bile into the hot Cleveland night.
Laura’s friends Shelly and Tiffany watched her throw up. A song called “Rico Suave” came on the bar’s stereo.
Laura looked at the retch she ralphed. “No wonder I threw up” she said, “My stomach was full of puke!”
“A lot of guys are nice to me because I’m good looking.” Said Shelly, “They will engage me in small talk and banter in an attempt to gain my trust. They basically want to eject semen from their penis. They would like me to be involved in stimulating their penis with my hands, or mouth usually, but I’ve had guys want other things too.”
“I’ve heard this business of ejecting semen from the penis referred to as ejaculating” offered Tiffany, “I’ve heard it is very pleasurable.”
“Yes that's true and really, it’s totally up you if you want to anally stimulate yourself.” Said Laura. “Some people really like it, but you have to be careful. The anus is very fragile. It’s much safer to get your salad tossed then to stick a broom stick up your bunger and jump up and down. If you hurt yourself anally stimulating yourself, you HAVE to tell someone, no matter how embarrassing it is.”
“Right on!” agreed Tiffany “I was anally stimulating myself and I hurt myself so I put an ad in the paper.”
“You put an ad in the paper? What did it say?” asked Shelly
“It said that I hurt my anus anally stimulating myself, and it provided a contact number.” Answered Tiffany
Suddenly, Tiffany’s cell phone rang.
Tiffany answered her cell phone.
“Hello” said Tiffany; she listened to the caller then responded thusly…“ Hi Marcus. My name is Tiffany and yes, I hurt my anus anally stimulating myself. It wasn’t like anything I have ever experienced. The anal stimulating was going good. It was AAA ANAL! Triple A anal! My turd cutter was feeling the love. It wasn’t like being some guy in 1942 and saying you are a trumpet player, then pulling out a b flat tight wrap Schilke Cornet. My leather donut felt well stimulated. I mean I generally use it to dispense fecal matter, but various fruits, vegetables, broomsticks, candles and even certain writing implements feel really good lubricated and inserted into the balloon knot can really enhance a girl’s pleasure. I was hooked.”
Tiffany listened to the caller. “No, it wasn’t like pealing an orange and squirting juice in your eye. It was like more like riding a seat less unicycle naked and having the seat pole reaming your anus.”
Laura and Shelly sat and listened as Tiffany continued.
“I don’t know if I would do that with all the global warming we’ve been having as of late. I can talk to the girls. It sounds kind of fun.” Said Tiffany, “If I eat baked beans, cottage cheese, fig bars and chocolate syrup and you stick your nose up my poop shoot about 25 minutes after I’ve consumed the aforementioned foodstuffs and I fart, you will be pleasured by my fragrance. Let me put you on speaker phone so my friends Laura and Shelly can hear you.”
Tiffany put Marcus on speaker phone so Laura and Shelly could hear.
“Ok. Hi girls, I’m Marcus and I was telling Tiffany about the time of my near divorce in 1984. My wife asked me in bed if there was something special I would like. I told her I wanted her to release an air biscuit. No hesitation. She let out a tiny squeeker on cue, right in my face. The next day she unloaded a whopper that damn near singed the carpet. Sounded like she killed a huge duck. It was total romance. She never topped that one. I would get the best results with her sticking my tongue up into her bung pie as far as I could and massage her rump while tossing her salad. Sometimes it would happen right away but sometimes it could take 20 minutes before it would come poot pooting out. The romance saved my marriage. You do the math. I figure that 3 farts per week over a year works out to about 156 farts. So in 20 years, I've inhaled over 3100 farts.”
Marcus cleared his throat and continued. “I also love to fart! I have a nice wrangler ass bubble butt that looks delectably juicy in faded skintight jeans or tight and squeaky shiny and squeaky vibrating vinyl or leather pants! I love to rip ass in my tight jeans with no underwear or slide around on a vinyl seat in a bar or restaurant with my leather pants on so I can dig the vibration and sexy fart sounds that it makes. I just love to fart in my black leather pants. The way it smells with the leather gets me hot. My farts smell like eggs or broccoli! Yippie! I’d love to sit on each of your faces and let loose a loud vibrating ripper through my tight jeans! It would smell like rotten deviled eggs!”
Tiffany looked concerned.
“That’s so interesting Marcus” said Tiffany “but with all this global warming don’t you think you should cool it with the farts? Just think of all the methane coming out of your ass eating away at the ozone. The average temperature of the earth’s near surface air and oceans has already increased considerably most likely because of the increase in anthropogenic greenhouse gas concentrations and your wife and you farting.”
“I understand your concern Tiffany, but I've also been into sniffing and sucking in other guy's farts. That was what started my marital difficulties.” Explained Marcus “My older brother and his friends used to sit on my face and fart when I was a kid. Now, I dig it when guys sit on my face and fart or I’ll rim their asshole while they fart. When I rim them I suck the fart into my lungs and I also put my nose in their asshole when they fart and sniff in all the goodness. I have one "friend" who has me sit under a rim seat while he watches TV and drinks beer and he farts for HOURS...really, he can fart anytime, anywhere, non-stop. It's amazing and gives me a huge hard-on. Several times I've cum without touching myself when guys have been farting in my face. That's always the best orgasm I have. Wish I could meet more guys who would be into farting in a guy's face for whatever reason. I've even had some straight guys do it to me because they thought it was funny and humiliating so I guess it was entertaining to them. That was especially hot.”
“Well” offered Tiffany “It would be really fun to fart in your face but all this global warming has got me and the girls in a tizzy!”
Marcus figured he would jack off soon.
“I should get going.” Marcus hung up the phone and started to jack off but he went limp when he thought about how his lord and savior Jesus Christ could see him jacking off and so could his guardian angel and the Virgin Mary. The Father God and the Ghost God would know Marcus was jacking off too because they are actually one and the same with the Son God Jesus. Marcus could give a fuck about global warming but his lord and savior Jesus Christ, his guardian angel and the Virgin Mary watching him jackoff was more than Marcus could stand.
Marcus wiped the pre-cum off his flaccid penis, put it away and marveled at the design of the spit valve on his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone. The Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone has a double slide and spit collects in both tubes. The Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone has two spit valves, one for each tube. The two spit valves were operated by depressing a single lever! He had a Conn BB flat contrabass trombone too, but that model only has one spit valve. It didn’t have the spit yield potential of his Salvation Army BB flat contrabass trombone.