One Christmas morn, Gertie Groinshlapper was getting ready for church. She pulled on her imported one size fits most sexy simple and comfortable ruffle turquoise nylon/spandex thong with cotton lined crotch. Gertie felt the cotton lined crotch press snuggly against her pussy lips. The back of the imported one size fits most sexy simple and comfortable ruffle turquoise nylon/spandex thong with cotton lined crotch was buried tightly between her buns and rested snuggly on her puckered bung hole and her perineum (the space between the anus and the vagina).
Gertie reached for her brassiere.
“It's Christmas and I have huge nipples.” thought Gertie. “This is the only bra I can wear that I like that covers my nipples well.” Gertie knew she looked good in her light blue gingham patterned form fitting big nipple brassiere. The form fitting contoured lightly lined stretch foam cups and scalloped trim were as comfortable as sexy could be. Gertie thought about Jesus, pulled on her little red skirt, ate a breakfast bean burrito and went to church.
At church, several men saw Gertie in her little red skirt and got boners. This was because the corpora cavernosa of the affected men became engorged with venous blood.
After the church service, a guy named Sammy came up and engaged Gertie in dialog.
“I’m telling you the truth, Gertie,” said Sammy, “I know my wang is one rigid wiener right now. It's Christmas and you gave me and a bunch of other guys huge hard ons in church right in front of God and everyone! Call me a romantic, but I’m just dying to see what’s under your skirt on this Christmas morn.”
Gertie understood that these men now desired stimulation of the penis in such a way as to cause semen to be ejected through the urethra by the rhythmic contractions of the bulbospongiosus muscle.
“Oh my gosh golly goodness!” replied Gertie, “Praise Jesus! I’m so sorry my little red skirt acted as a sexual stimuli and caused the corpora cavernosa of several of the men in church to become engorged with venous blood so they got boners on Christmas. What can I do to help the men with boners on this Christmas morn?”
“Well Gertie, ” began Sammy, “It's Christmas, and as a consideration to your future, we would like you to retain your virginal vaginal integrity so you are still pure for marriage. What we propose is to lube up your anus so each of us in turn can insert our erect penises in it and in that way the penis of the inserter can be stimulated by the need for your sphincter muscle to contract while the erect penis slides in and out of your well lubed bunger. There is a good chance that this will cause semen to be ejected through the urethra by the rhythmic contractions of the bulbospongiosus muscle. The semen will begin to squirt out of the penis with the first or second contraction. With me, it’s usually the second contraction. Scientists have actually studied this easily and conveniently by the anal probe method.”
“The anal probe method?” inquired Gertie
“Yes. The anal probe method” answered Sammy. “Basically in a scientific study, a probe was inserted into the anuses of eleven young adult males by scientists. Electrical signals from the anal probe were recorded for each of the eleven young males during three sessions of masturbation to orgasm. A computer automatically digitized the results. Each man’s pattern of contractions was very similar from one session to the next and distinguished his records from others. It was like a masturbatory fingerprint.”
“That’s so interesting.” Said Gertie. “I had the google installed on my computer for Christmas. Is that information on the google?”
“Yes” replied Sammy. “It’s on the internets. If you have the google installed on your computer, you can google ‘The male orgasm: pelvic contractions measured by anal probe’ and you will see the report.”
“Oh cool!” said Gertie, “I got google installed on my computer for christmas, I can check it out.”
Gertie got down on all fours and stuck ger ass up in the air. Sammy pulled up her little red skirt, pulled the thong away from Gertie’s puckered sheriff’s badge and lubed her poop shoot up with some lube. The guys took turns mounting her and pumping her brown eye. After each guy shot a hot salty sticky baby batter wad of spunk up her anus, she promptly farted it out into a martini glass. The breakfast bean burrito helped her fart out the splooge.
After farting out the man goo of the fourteenth guy into the martini glass, Gertie drank down the poopie spunk.
"That was delish yummers!" exclaimed Gertie
After drinking the man seed, Gertie went to the Christmas prayer brunch and had a spinach omelet with basil, onion, garlic, and red peppers in it. She also had some bacon, and a bit of Marcy’s melon medley. Then she went home and started playing Christmas songs on her Keytar.
Suddenly Gertie felt flush. She suddenly had rectal discomfort, anal itching, severe nasal stuffiness postnasal drip and psoriasis. Gertie felt nauseous and a sudden dizziness which could have resulted in fainting. She felt abdominal discomfort, agitation, anxiety, constipation, decreased sex drive, diarrhea and loose stools, bloating, fatigue, gas, dry eyes and mouth, decreased appetite, chills, inability to sleep, and hives. Gertie forcefully expulsed the contents of her stomach through her mouth and nose; vomiting gelatinous chunks of bile on herself, her keytar, and her floor.
Gertie looked at the retch she ralphed. She expected to see a mix of sperm, breakfast bean burrito, spinach omelet with basil, onion, garlic, and red peppers, bacon, and Marcy’s melon medley. Gertie pondered the gelatinous chunks of bile and came to a sudden realization. The enlightened truth came in a flash of profound insight and comprehension.
“No wonder I threw up!” exclaimed Gertie, “My stomach was full of puke!”
After further contemplation, Gertie furrowed her brow and frowned. "I must have gotten a virus when I had the google installed on my computer!"