I can't remember where these came from (I've got thousands more of all types)
25 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long
2. Beer stains wash out
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer
4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
5. When you beer goes flat, you toss it out
6. Hangovers go away
7. A beer labels come off without a fight
8. Beer is never late
9. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
11. Beer never gets a headache
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
15. A beer always goes down easy
16. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
17. You can share a beer with your friends
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
19. Beer is always wet
20. Beer doesn't demand equality
21. You can have a beer in public
22. A beer doesn't care when you come
23. A frigid beer is a good beer
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it taste good
25. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
86 Reasons Why A Beer Is Better Than A Man
1. A beer makes life easier.
2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
7. A beer will never expect you to sleep in the wet spot IT makes.
8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
10. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
11. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
12. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
13. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
14. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
15. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
16. A beer will never smell like a man.
17. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
18. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
19. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
20. A beer doesn't sulk.
21. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
22. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
23. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
24. A beer doesn't snore.
25. A beer can't interrupt.
26. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburettor.
27. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
28. A beer doesn't belch.
29. Or fart.
30. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
31. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
32. A good beer is easy to find.
33. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
34. A beer can't pout.
35. A beer doesn't have a mother.
36. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
37. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
38. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
39. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
40. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled “turbo”.
41. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
42. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
43. A beer doesn't want children.
44. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
45. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
46. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
47. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
48. Hangovers go away.
49. A beer tastes good.
50. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
51. A beer would never leave hair in the bottom of the bathtub.
52. A beer is never late.
53. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
54. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
55. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
56. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
57. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
58. A beer never needs a shave.
59. You don't have to let a beer win.
60. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
61. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
62. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
63. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
64. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
65. A beer helps with the housework.
66. A beer will never drink the last beer.
67. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
68. You can't get herpes from a beer.
69. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
70. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
71. A beer is seldom messy.
72. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
73. After you've had a beer, all you're committed to doing is throwing out the container.
74. A beer container is recyclable.
75. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
76. A beer will NEVER call you “Babe”. Or “Sugar”.
77. A beer is never temperamental.
78. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
79. A cold beer is a good beer.
80. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
81. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
82. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
83. A beer is never too sensitive.
84. A beer won't steal the covers.
85. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
86. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
1) A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
2) A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
3) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
4) A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
5) A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
6) A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
7) A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
8) A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
9) You won't find out that a cucumber is: married, on penicillin, trying to screw your sister.
10) A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep.
11) A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
12) A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
And don't forget:
1) All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
2) You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
3) Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house.
4) Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
5) Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick.
6) But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
7) Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time.
8) Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favourite kind of cucumber.
9) The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
Why A Cucumber Is Better Than A Man
1) the average cucumber is at least seven inches long
2) cucumbers stay hard for a week
3) a cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count
4) cucumbers don't get too excited
5) a cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety
6) cucumbers are easy to pick up
7) you can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket
8) ... and you know how firm it is before you take it home
9) you only have a cucumbers when you feel like it
10) no matter how you slice it, you can always have your cuke and eat it too
11) you can have as many cucumbers as you can handle
12) cucumbers can get away any weekend
13) with a cucumber you can get a single room
14) ... and you won't have to check in as “Mrs” Cucumber
15) a cucumber will always respect you in the morning
16) you can go to movie with a cucumber ... and see the movie
17) at a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat
18) a cucumber can always wait until you get home
19) a cucumber won't eat all the popcorn or send you out to get Milk Duds
20) a cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival
21) a cucumber won't ask “Am I the first?”
22) cucumbers don't care if you are a virgin
23) cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin
24) cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin
25) with cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once
26) cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall
27) cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups
28) cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bad with your boots on
29) cucumbers aren't into leathers and chains, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits and nuts
30) cucumbers never need a round of applause
31) cucumbers won't ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?
32) cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynaecologist, ski/tennis instructors
33) a cucumber won't want to join your support group
34) a cucumber never wants to improve your mind
35) cucumbers aren't into meaningful conversations
36) cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one
37) a cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator
38) a cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over
39) no matter what age group you are in, you can always get a fresh cucumber
40) cucumbers can handle rejection
41) a cucumber won't pout if you have a headache
42) a cucumber won't care what time of the month it is
43) a cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet
44) with a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry
45) cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow
46) cucumbers won't give you a hickey
47) cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot
48) afterwards, a cucumber won't:-
1/ want to shake hands and be friends
2/ say, “I'll call you a cab”
3/ tell you he's not the marrying kind
4/ tell you he is the marrying kind
5/ call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist
6/ take you to confession
49) cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month
50) a cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore
51) cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for him
52) a cucumber a day keeps the ob-gyn away
53) a cucumber won't work your crossword with ink
54) a cucumber isn't allergic to your cat
55) with a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season
56) cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car
57) a cucumber won't consume all your food or liquors
58) a cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library
59) cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest
60) a cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray
61) cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor
62) cucumbers won't leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub
63) a cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet
64) a cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you are taking a shower
65) with a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it
66) cucumbers don't compare you to a centrefold
67) cucumbers can't count to “10”
68) cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with longer hair
69) a cucumber will never leave you for another woman, for another man, for another cucumber
70) a cucumber will never call and say, “I have to work late, honey” and then come home with the smell of Channel No 19 on him - a cucumber never snaps your bra, or pinches your butt
71) you always know where YOUR cucumber has been
72) you won't find out later that your cucumber: is married, is on penicillin or has AIDS, likes you, but loves your brother
73) a cucumber never has to call “the wife”
74) cucumbers never have mid-life crisis
75) a cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move
76) cucumbers never have to tell you what they did while on vacation
77) cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do
78) a cucumber won't wear shorts to your office party
79) you don't have to wait until halftime to talk to your cucumber
80) a cucumber won't leave town on New Year's Eve
81) a cucumber won't take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy blonde
82) cucumbers never want to take you home to mom
83) a cucumber doesn't care if you always spend the holidays with your family
84) a cucumber won't ask to be put through Medical school
85) a cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually
86) cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers
87) a cucumber won't say “Let's keep trying until we have a boy.”
88) a cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or orthodox vegetarian
89) it's easy to drop a cucumber
90) a cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything
91) And last by not least:
92) Why can't today’s women become successful carpenters?
93) Because all their lives they've been told that this
95) is 12 inches
Cookie Dough Better Than Men List
32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1) It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2) It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3) It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4) You always want to swallow.
5) It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6) It's “quick and convenient”.
7) You can enjoy it more than once.
8) It comes already protectively wrapped.
9) You can make it as large as you want.
10) If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11) It's easier to get the kind you want.
12) You can comparison shop.
13) It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14) You can put it away when you've had enough.
15) You know yours has never been eaten before.
16) It won't complain if you chew on it.
17) It comes chocolate flavoured.
18) You always know when to get rid of it.
19) You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20) It's always ready to go.
21) You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22) You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23) It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24) You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25) You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26) It won't take up room in your bed.
27) It's easy to pick up.
28) You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29) You know what the extra weight is from.
30) It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31) It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32) It is very pliable.
The 9 Types Of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - “After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - “I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - “Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams
The Sneak - “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - “After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - “Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--”
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”
Mr. Right - “While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types Of Girlfriends
Ms Nice Guy - “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
The Bosser - “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - “I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - “I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humourless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed rabbits now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you