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Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor Harry Potter and the Sword of Gryffindor
Chapter Fourteen: Places a bra... err... abroad.

Disclamer: Not mine, I own nothing. I'm not making any money
WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.

Author's Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that's Out Of Character if you don't know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don't like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!

Chapter Fourteen Summary: Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Luna go on a shopping trip, and then Harry and Hermione perform the han... the ritual once more.


Luna was so happy over discovering the locations of the hundred plus Horcruxes that she started to do a tiny little jig. This, of course, caused her huge tits to bounce this way and that, almost comically. Harry and Hermione were in such shock over the revelation that their hunt for Voldemort's Horcruxes would take years just because of the sheer number of relics that they didn't notice Luna's celebratory dance.

"Over a hundred," Harry murmured in dread.

"Well over," declared Luna merrily, while her orbs bounced and smacked against each other. "I'd say closer to one-hundred and eighty."

"One-hundred and eighty," Hermione practically sobbed.

Harry hoisted his girlfriend off of the ground and sat her on the couch next to him. Hermione made no attempt to cover her nude and sweat covered body; Harry rationalized that either she had grown comfortable with public nudity like he had or was simply too stunned over the number of Horcruxes to care.

"I had no idea there could be so many," croaked the brunette witch.

"Isn't it wonderful?" heralded Luna. She threw up her arms in triumph; which led to her... well you get the point; they're big and they jiggle... a lot.

"They're huge," muttered Hermione dispassionately, as if she had already grown bored with seeing Luna's disproportionately large breasts.

"It'll take forever to destroy all of them," commented Harry.

"NO!" shouted Luna. "How could you do that? They're innocent creatures!"

"What? There's nothing innocent about them. They're inanimate objects that house a fragment of Voldemort's soul in them," explained Harry.

"Whoever said Snorkacks are inanimate?" asked Luna with her fists on her hips.

"Wait..." Harry looked at the blonde dumbstruck, "you went looking for Snorkacks?"

"Of course I did, silly," Luna playfully chided.

"But you were supposed to look for Voldemort's Horcruxes," argued Hermione.

"We started to search for them, but everything became very cloudy, and we couldn't see a thing," explained Luna. "And then Ronald and I had trouble focusing on even the thought of the Horcruxes. After a few seconds, I felt a strange compulsion to look for something else. So I convinced Ronald we should look for Snorkacks."

"Why do you think they couldn't search for the Horcruxes when we were able to?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Of course it didn't take much convincing on my part," Luna continued while Hermione was lost in thought. "Not when I have the twins here," Luna commented and lifted up her sizeable boobs as if to prove her point.

"Maybe Voldemort set up various wards around his Horcruxes to prevent anybody from finding them with a magical search of any kind," Hermione speculated. "His wards would most likely make the caster of the search unable to see anything. And as an extra protection, he probably added some sort of Compulsion Hex to the wards forcing any searchers to be compelled to look for something else. So when Luna and Ron went looking, they couldn't see anything and were subconsciously forced to look for another item."

"But then why were we able to locate them?" asked Harry.

After a moment of thought, Hermione replied, "It must have something to do with the prophesy. Voldemort marked you as an equal when he tried to kill you when you were a baby. And the wards he put up on the Horcruxes must've recognized you as Voldemort himself allowing you to pass them unmolested, so to speak."

"That makes sense," agreed Harry. "And if not, it could have been when Voldemort possessed me in the Ministry Atrium. He may have left enough of a psychic echo to bypass his own protections."

"Wait," Hermione began as if a sudden thought came to her. "You mean Snorkacks are real?"

"Of course they are," Luna gaily retorted. The heavy chested blonde paused for a second and then bent over at the hips so that her face was close to Hermione's groin. "You're shaved?"

"Yes, it's for hygiene," Harry replied for his girlfriend. He had heard Hermione say it so often, the phrase had apparently become an automatic response for him.

"Actually, I think it because she's kinky," corrected Luna. She leaned over so that she could whisper in Harry's ear: "I saw the red welts on her bottom.

"After all, aren't all brainy birds naughty?" Luna asked in a normal voice. As if to prove her point, Luna lowered her purple panties to just above her knees and stood up to reveal that she had shaved her blonde fuzz into a little heart. "See, kinky" she gestured to her groin.

"That's cute," Hermione commented and Harry nodded his head in agreement. Then it hit him. Harry was staring at Ron's naked girlfriend's bush!

"As a guy, which do you prefer?" Luna asked Harry. "Hermione's completely shaved or my heart design?"

Our hero started to sweat profusely. He was positive that he was breaking one of the "Best Mate" laws just by being in the same room as Luna in her current undress. He averted his eyes, hoping that Ron wouldn't come down to find him sitting in front of a nude Luna who was asking which fanny Harry liked better.

"I think he prefers shaved," speculated Hermione. "That way, there's no chance that he'd get any hair under his tongue or stuck in his teeth."

"Ronald hasn't expressed interest in that activity yet," Luna stated remorsefully.

At this point, Harry was trying to hide from the two witches by burrowing into the couch's cushions.

"That book I showed you earlier has some interesting techniques in it," offered Hermione. "Even though the premise of the section is primarily for Parselmouths like Harry, Ron could still use it to your benefit."

"I would so love to see Ronald's nose resting on my /heart/," Luna stated and gestured to her heart-shaped pubic hair. "And just the thought of him looking up at me from between my legs really turns me on."

"Speaking of Ron, where is he?" Hermione asked. Harry desperately hoped that he was incapacitated in some way and was unable to see Harry sitting in front of a naked Luna.

"After we finished the ritual - I'm so proud of him, he lasted nearly three minutes this time - we cuddled and talked, and then he fell asleep," answered Luna and Harry thanked the heavens. "Apparently he's still tired from the times we fornicated yesterday."

Without warning, Luna flopped down next to Harry on the couch. The young wizard gulped as Luna innocently leaned her naked body into his and asked Hermione, who was on his other side, "Please, tell me more about these techniques."

"Well, as I said; the chapters focused primarily on Parselmouths, like Harry," began Hermione. "But I don't see anything that would prevent anyone from using the same techniques to give a witch a great deal of satisfaction."

"If the techniques are universal, does it really matter when they're performed by a Parselmouth?" Luna asked.

"Oh, let me tell you," Hermione answered and leaned her naked body into Harry in an attempt to confide to the younger witch. Large beads of sweat blossomed all over Harry's face and body. Here he was, sitting naked on the couch wedged in between two equally nude witches; their breasts were shoved up against his arms. 'Harry, Jr.' started to stand up once more, curious to see what was going on.

"Ihavetogotakeashower!" Harry blurted out rapidly as he shot up off of the couch. He really doubted that Ron would be pleased to hear that Harry had gotten a hard-on sitting next to Luna. "Areallycoldone!" he added just as speedily.

As Harry dashed up the stairs, he could hear Hermione, with an excite tone, describe to Luna the specific techniques.

"Ooooh, I bet that tickles," commented Luna.

"Yes, but in a very good way," clarified Hermione.



*



After a very cold shower - where the previously curious 'Harry, Jr.' was forced to seek shelter from the freezing rain - Harry went to his room to change only to be quite shocked at what he saw.

Ron was asleep and sprawled out spread eagle on the bed and very naked. Now as Harry mentioned before, for a bloke, it's more than a little uncomfortable if you see your male friend lying in front of you naked. But Ron wasn't merely naked, he was spread out. You see, Ron's penis - or 'Ron, Jr.' if you will - was pointing directly at the door and it was the very first thing that Harry saw upon entering the room. Harry never had the desire to know whether or not pure-blood wizarding families had practiced circumcisions, but now he knew for a fact that they did not.

But what was even more shocking than seeing a nude and uncircumcised Ron sprawled out so that Harry could see every possible crease and wrinkle was that Ron was on Harry's bed! Ron was nude, sweating, and had gotten a hand-job on Harry's bed! That broke at least three roommate rules; one, don't let your friend see if you're uncircumcised or not; two, don't sleep on your friend's bed -especially naked; and three, don't get a hand-job on your friend's bed!

Not wanting to wake Ron, and thereby create an even more embarrassing moment, Harry grumbled softly as he started to get dressed. After throwing on a pair of boxers, Harry went to put on one of his pullovers that was lying on the floor next to the bed, but stopped when he noticed a particularly musky odor coming from the garment. Tentatively, Harry spread the crumbled up piece of clothing and his speculation as to what caused the odor was confirmed. Right in the middle of Harry's shirt was a whitish liquid that was slowly drying into a nasty stain.

Apparently, after cumming in Luna's eye, Ron must have acted like a gentleman and grabbed something to wipe his discharge out of her face. Of course that something was Harry's shirt! That made four rules that Ron broke; don't get your cum on anything that you friend owns!

Making a mental note to burn that pullover later, Harry finished dressing - mind you, he retrieved the clothes from his school-trunk just to be on the safe side because it was highly unlikely that Ron's jism had gotten on any of his clothes still stowed in the trunk. He made his way back to the Common Room to find that Hermione and Luna had taken the time to dress. Harry could tell that Hermione had performed the same eye-cleansing charm on Luna that Pomfrey had done on her irritated eye since Luna's eye was no longer red and puffy. The two witches were in an in-depth conversation about sex.

"... lots of vegetables and no sweets," Hermione stated.

"But Ronald loves his sweets," Luna pointed out.

"He'll like blow-jobs a lot more," countered Hermione.

"Good point," the blonde witch agreed. Luna turned to Harry and stated, "We were just discussing oral sex. Hermione thinks that you are quiet skilled at it."

"Um... thanks," Harry replied a little embarrassed that the two witches were talking so openly about sex, let alone making comments about his performance. Apparently, they were positive remarks, but it still made Harry slightly uncomfortable.

"Perhaps you could show Ron how to do it," Luna requested.

A distressing question entered Harry's mind; just how did Luna want Harry to show Ron how to do it? Did she want Harry to give Ron a practical demonstration by eating out Hermione in front of him? Harry imagined doing the deed while Ron watched, taking notes, and occasionally asking questions.

He imagined that Ron would ask; "Now, what are you doing with your tongue?"

/Harry imagined that he would try to respond to Ron's questions, but would have some difficulty speaking seeing that he would have his tongue inside Hermione's flower. It would sound something like "Aim lecken err poat."/

"Luna means discussing the more interesting techniques with Ron, and showing him the segments of your book," clarified Hermione in a sarcastic way. She obviously knew what her boyfriend was thinking, and was poking fun at him.

"Oh," Harry said a bit embarrassed.

"Speaking of Ronald, is he awake?" Luna asked. "We need to go shopping to get Ginny a present for her birthday."

For some reason, Harry felt a strange compulsion. Maybe it was because of her sarcastic remark about discussing oral sex with Ron, but Harry felt he needed to play a joke on Hermione.

"Yeah, he's up," lied Harry. "But he wants to ask you what he should wear, Hermione. You know, in order to impress Luna."

"That's silly of him," Luna stated. "I like him the way he is. Ronald doesn't have to do anything special to impress me."

"I think it sweet," commented Hermione as she stood up. "It's always nice for a wizard to dress up for his witch."

And with that, Hermione walked up the stairs to Ron and Harry's room. The moment Hermione was out of earshot, Luna asked, "He's still asleep and naked on your bed isn't he?"

"Speaking of which," Harry countered, "why did you do the han - the ritual on my bed?"

Luna replied by simply shrugging her shoulders in a "Why not?" gesture.

"RON!" Hermione screamed from somewhere up the stairs.

"HERMIONE!" Ron shouted in surprise. What followed were a series of loud bangs and crashes that Harry assumed were caused by Ron stumbling and fumbling around trying to cover up his naked body from Hermione's eyes. All of which was very amusing for Harry.

A moment later, a very pale Hermione strolled into the Common Room.

"Is it common for pure-blood wizards not to be circumcised?" she asked Luna.

"What do you mean by /'circumcised'/?" questioned Luna.

"Guess it is, then," Harry answered.

Luna shrugged her shoulders and began to walk to the stairs. "I'll go make sure he's ready to leave soon," Luna said and disappeared up the steps.

"I'm so glad you're not uncircumcised," commented Hermione with a shudder.

"I know," agreed Harry. "Can you imagine all the lint, pee, and cum being stuck in -"

"Stop!" commanded Hermione as her pale complexion turned green. "No more."

A few minutes later, Luna and a fully dressed Ron re-entered the Common Room.

"Hi guys, how's it going?" Ron asked as if Hermione hadn't walked in on him naked.

"Oh, just fine," answered Hermione. She seemed to be very pleased with Ron's idea of ignoring the embarrassing situation and happily went along with it.

As the four friends walked to the Headmistress' office to use the Floo, Harry noticed that Hermione was carrying her book bag, but it was obvious that it had no books in it. Instead it looked like she was carrying some sort of clothes, making the bag look soft and lumpy.

"What's in the bag?" asked Harry curiously.

"Oh, I figured since we're going to Diagon Alley, we might as well pop over to Borgin and Burke's and get the name and location of the wizard who bought Slytherin's Locket," Hermione replied. "I have a plan."

"What's the plan?" Ron inquired.

Hermione stopped and proudly withdrew two strange objects from her bag and showed them to her friends. The items looked like they were made of some kind of flesh colored fabric. The brunette witch pulled one of the pieces of fabric over her head and tapped it with her wand. The fabric suddenly began to squirm and wiggle on her face until it took shape. After the fabric stopped moving, Hermione looked like an old hag.

"That's a very good Mask Charm, Hermione," Luna complimented.

"Thank you," said Hermione. The mask was very convincing; the fabric now looked like it was living flesh, with its lips moving along with Hermione's words, as if it was her real mouth and not a disguise. "The other one is an old wizard. My plan is that Harry and I go into Borgin and Burke's and convince him that we're the parents of the wizard we're looking for."

"That's a bit like the 'Draco's my boyfriend' plan, isn't it?" sounded Harry.

"Well, what do you suggest?" asked hag-Hermione, a little upset that Harry wasn't bowled over by her plan.

"Something a little less complicated," offered Harry.

"Fine," Hermione said pulling off the hag mask and stuffing it into her bag. "Ron and I will do my plan, and if it somehow doesn't work, you can do your 'less complicated' one." She obviously was thinking that her plan was foolproof and that Harry needn't worry.

The four friends traveled to the Leaky Cauldron via McGonagall's fireplace and quickly passed through the pub and entered Diagon Alley.

"Should we go grill Borgin or shop first?" asked Ron.

"Let's get the most difficult part over with," answered Hermione.

"So is that shopping or going to Borgin and Burke's?" asked Harry; he honestly didn't know which was more difficult, looking for a gift for Gin-Gin, the Erection Killer or prying information from Borgin. Both options were very complicated in Harry's opinion.

"Borgin," Hermione replied. "Ron and I will head off to Knockturn Alley; you and Luna can discus your /'less complicated' /plan." It was clear from her voice that Hermione had a great amount of confidence in her plan and that Harry's notion of a different option was not necessary.

Harry watched as Hermione and Ron trudged off to Knockturn Alley. He was positive that Borgin wouldn't fall for his girlfriend's ruse.

"It's not going to work," commented Luna. "I've heard stories about Borgin; he'll never tell them anything."

"Don't worry," Harry said as he headed to Gringotts Wizarding Bank. "I have a backup."

"Okay," Luna said simply and followed the raven-haired wizard.

After taking a wild cart ride down to his vault - during which Luna held her hands up in the air as if she were riding a rollercoaster - Harry withdrew a small sack full of Galleons. He and Luna then made their way to meet up with Hermione and Ron. Harry entered Borgin and Burke's to find Hermione in her hag-disguise pleading with a very irate and smarmy looking Borgin.

"But I'm that wizard's mother," hag-Hermione insisted.

"Really? Then what's his name?" Borgin asked. It was obvious from the smarmy look on his face that he didn't believe Hermione at all.

"Um... err..." stammered hag-Hermione.

"We... um... we forgot," offered Ron, who looked like an incredibly old wizard, in a very weak and uncertain voice. "See we're old.... And since we're old... we tend to forget things."

Borgin glowered at the two disguised teens. Harry guessed that the shop keeper was about a second away from tossing hag-Hermione and incredibly-old-Ron out on the street. Harry reckoned that Hermione's plan had failed and it was now time to initiate his less complicated one.

"The name and location of the wizard who bought Slytherin's Locket, please," Harry requested as he place ten gold Galleons on the counter in front of Borgin.

"Zardoz, he lives in a place called 'Founders' Cove' just west of South Hampton," Borgin happily supplied, scooping up the money. Apparently Borgin thought that Harry's money was worth more than just a name and location, because he offered even more information than Harry requested. "Bit of an odd old fellow, has some strange ideas. He's also nutty about collecting relics from the Founders of Hogwarts."

"Thanks," Harry said and left the shop with Ron, Luna and Hermione in tow.

"If I knew it would be that simple," Hermione muttered dejectedly while pulling off her mask, "I wouldn't have made these silly things."

"I kind of like them," offered Harry. "They might be of use in the future. And as to Borgin, I knew he was an oily git who loves money is all."

Harry gave Hermione a comforting kiss and her mood was suddenly lifted. The four friends left the shady Knockturn Alley and entered Diagon Alley.

"All right then, let's go shopping," announced Luna. "We'll split up; Hermione and I'll go this way," she said pointing toward some shops on the left. "And you two go that way," she commanded while pointing in the opposite direction.

As Harry and Ron - who had given the old wizard mask back to Hermione - walked away from their girlfriends, Ron asked "What are you going to get Ginny?"

This was a question that was currently bothering Harry. Even though she had vowed to behave herself, Harry was still a little mad over Ron's sister's antics. But it would be rather rude to show up to a birthday party and not bring presents. Perhaps he could buy her a novelty pullover with the phrase "I stalked Harry Potter and all I got was smack on my twat and this lousy shirt" printed on it.

"Don't know yet," Harry answered his friend.

"Well, after we get her something, I kinda want to buy something for Luna too," Ron said. "You know, for no reason, just because she makes me happy."

"That's a great idea," agreed Harry.

"You know, maybe some lingerie," offered Ron.

"That's a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Harry. The image of Hermione in a sexy little number made his heart race.

"It's kinda like a present for her and for me," Ron speculated.

"Yeah," Harry concurred while he imagined what Hermione's bum would look like in a set of frilly knickers. "But we should buy them something just for their own enjoyment as well."

"Of course," Ron finished.

The friends' first stop was Flourish and Blotts Bookstore where Harry picked up a book on famous witches who played Quidditch; he thought it was a nice harmless birthday present for Ginny. He also picked up several books on advanced magical theory for Hermione. Ron didn't find anything for his sister, but he did find a book for Luna; "Mysterious Magical Creatures; They're Real I Tell You!" by Horatio Lovegood.

"It's written by Luna's Great-Grandfather," informed Ron. "We talked about it on our first date. There were only three copies made and Luna doesn't have one."

"That sounds rare; it must be expensive," speculated Harry while he tried to fight the question of when did they discuss this; before the mad sex romp or during?

"Not really. It's only a Sickle," answered Ron. "Everyone thinks he was barmy and no one wanted it. Except Luna that is."

"She'll love it," Harry stated.

After making their purchases, Harry and Ron went to the Magical Menagerie where Ron bought some treats for Arnold, Ginny's tribble... that is, her pigmy puff.

"Now let's go buy the girls some lingerie," Harry said in a hushed tone, hoping that no one in the shop would hear him.

"Do you think Madam Malkin's would have it?" Ron asked quietly.

"No, they won't," a voice said from behind Ron and Harry. "But there's a shop called 'Franklin's of Cardiff' that does."

Harry spun around to find a green haired Tonks smiling devilishly at him.

"But you'll want to stay away from the back of the shop," Tonks continued. "They have naughty toys there."

"I bought my sister the 'Two Headed Snap Dragon' from that part of the shop for her wedding shower," said a young witch standing next to Tonks.

Harry stood there flabbergasted and embarrassed. Not only did Tonks overhear his and Ron's plans to buy lingerie and would continue to heckle him to the day he died about it, but this witch that Harry didn't know heard as well.

"This is Courtney," Tonks introduced the witch. "She's just joined the Auror Academy, and I'm taking her on patrol as part of her training. Courtney, this is Ron and Harry."

"I may be a novice right now when it comes to being a Dark Wizard Hunter," Courtney greeted the two wizards, "but one day I'll be the ultimate Auror!"

"Good for you," commented Harry who was still blushing.

"The shop you want is around the corner, and three doors down," informed Tonks. "For Hermione, might I suggest something red?"

Without another word, Tonks and Courtney walked off, giggling. Ron shrugged his shoulders and headed in the direction that Tonks had told them, while Harry dreaded what Tonks would do with this tidbit of information to make his life hell.

Franklin's of Cardiff was a tiny shop painted with white and pink stripes. The moment he opened the door, Harry's nose was filled with pleasant smelling perfumes. He and Ron hesitantly walked in and they were assaulted with the sight of a bevy of scantily clad mannequins and frilly under garments on various displays. Harry gulped as he surveyed the selection before him; he had no idea that there were so many choices. He had reckoned that there'd just be a couple of bras and knickers. Harry looked to Ron for support or ideas, only to find his friend was in the same predicament as he was.

The two friends began to wander aimlessly through the shop. Harry was embarrassed by the enticing pieces of lace that hung from hangers all around him. He wondered if he'd be considered a poof simply for shopping in such a feminine store.

Unbeknownst to Ron and Harry, the two had accidentally ventured into the back of the shop. The first thing that caught Harry's eye was a frighteningly realistic reproduction of a Basilisk, but on a much smaller scale; it was slightly longer than his own holly wand. Harry wondered why anyone would want a twelve inch Basilisk.

"Look at this," Ron said as he held up a hand-sized copy of a Nimbus 2000. On the tiny broom was a switch which Ron flicked causing the broom began to shake and vibrate.

"Why would someone want a small Nimbus that vibrates?" Harry asked as he examined the Basilisk.

"It was designed as a children's toy originally," a witch began. Harry turned to see his old Quidditch teammate Alicia Spinnet walk up to them. She was wearing a little plastic tag with her name engraved on it, so Harry assumed that she worked at the shop. "The vibration was supposed to give kids the sensation of flying. But some witch discovered that it had a much more pleasurable aspect to it."

"What do you mean?" asked Ron while he continued to hold the small toy and inspect it.

"It's a vibrator," explained Alicia. "Witches use it to stimulate themselves to orgasm."

Ron dropped the toy as if it had shocked him.

"And that Basilisk is a dildo," informed Alicia and Harry shot up and pretended that he had never seen it. "Are you boys shopping for you girlfriends?" she asked with a chuckle.

"Um, yeah," Harry replied in a mortified way.

"First time buying knickers and bras?" she asked and smiled as Ron and Harry blushed even more. "All right I'll give you a hand. What are their sizes?"

"What do you mean?" both Harry and Ron asked.

"Their cup sizes to start with," clarified Alicia. "Show me how big their breasts are."

Harry hesitantly held his hands in the air and pretended to cup Hermione's boobs.

"Oh, you're finally dating Hermione," Alicia said aloud.

"What? How'd you figure that?" asked Harry.

"I remembered Hermione being of average size. Discounting Fred and George's reports of you dating Draco, the last time I heard, you were seeing Ginny and she's more like this," Alicia demonstrated by mashing her breasts against her ribs with her hands and pretended that she had - one would politely say - very modest sized boobs. Having seen Ginny nude, Harry wanted to tell Alicia that she needed to squish her boobs even farther to get the size accurate.

"So, that makes Hermione about a B or a C cup," Alicia said. She turned to Ron and asked "How big is your witch?"

Ron pretended like he was holding a junior league sized Quaffle between his hands.

"Wow, that's impressive. That's about a D cup," stated Alicia.

"Um actually, I think that's just one tit," clarified Harry.

"That's one tit?" Alicia said in shock as she pointed to Ron's hands. The red-haired wizard was grinning madly at the time. Alicia added in a stunned voice; "They're huge!"

Alicia spent the next fifteen minutes showing Ron and Harry several different designs and styles. When she got to a matching set of a red bra and knickers with a familiar cartoon cat embroidered on them Harry stammered, "T-th-t-that one." "Hello Kitty" was on each cup, positioned so that it looked like they would be directly over 'Carmella' and 'Natasha' when Hermione wore it. It had the cat's face on the front and back of the knickers. Ron had purchased a lilac one piece for Luna.

The two friends left the shop and headed back to the Leaky Cauldron. There they found Luna and Hermione having some butterbeer with Tonks and Courtney. The four witches hadn't seen Ron or Harry enter and were talking amongst themselves.

"So which one is bigger?" Courtney asked.

"Ronald is about an inch longer than Harry," Luna answered and Harry saw Ron swell with pride. "And he's only slightly slimmer than Harry."

"Yeah, but Harry can apparently do wonderful things with his tongue," countered Tonks, causing Hermione to blush. "I've seen the aftereffects; I walked in on them," Tonks finished.

"Yes, it is rather magical," added Hermione. "I have some difficulty walking afterwards."

Now it was Harry's turn to swell.

"Well, hello there studs," Tonks greeted Ron and Harry. "We were just talking about you."

"Yes-s-s, I know," Harry stated, but of course, it wasn't in English. No, he replied in Parseltongue. Hermione shivered and gripped the edges of the table in response to Harry's magical snake language.

"Wow, that would tickle," mused Courtney.

"Y-yes, but in a very good way," stated Hermione as she regained her composure.

"Well, we have to leave," Tonks announced as she and Courtney got up.

"It was nice meeting you. Hopefully I'll see you lot later," Courtney bid the group farewell.

Harry and Ron took the empty seats across from their girlfriends. "We ran into father and Neville; they've just returned," Luna announced. "They're going to Ginny's party as well! You'll get to meet my father, Ronald. Isn't that wonderful?"

Ron looked as if he had just accidentally swallowed a nasty bug. His face was completely pale except for some blotches of green around his eyes. "Th-th-that's great," Ron squeaked pitifully.

Harry bit back a chuckle at his friend's discomfort; Ron had to meet the father of the witch he was shagging. Unfortunately, Hermione had seen Harry's mirth and apparently decided to quell it.

"I think you should meet my parents soon as well, Harry," Hermione offered. And now it was Harry's turn to swallow the proverbial nasty bug.

After Hermione and Luna finished their butterbeers (Ron and Harry didn't feel like drinking due to the rather large knot that had formed in their stomachs over the idea of meeting their potential in-laws), the four friends headed back to Hogwarts.

Upon entering the Gryffindor Common Room, Luna wiggled her eyebrows at Ron and pointed up the stairs leading to the boys' dormitory with a tilt of her head. Ron nodded and took her hand. Both Luna and Ron scurried up to his and Harry's room. Within seconds, pleasurable moans wafted down the stairs. Apparently, Luna wanted to make Ron confident about meeting her father and was going about it in a most unique way.

"They don't waste time do they?" Harry asked rhetorically.

"I've been thinking, we still need to get Fred and George back for those comments they made about you in the Daily Prophet," Harry stated.

"Oh, I agree," Hermione replied. "And I think I have just the thing."

"What do you have in mind?" asked Harry.

"Well, I came across an interesting little charm in 'The Magic of Making Love'," Hermione explained. "It's a spying charm that's intended for the target, or targets, to be able to see through different objects, like steel or wood for example. But I figured that we could use it to prank the twins at the party tomorrow."

"What kind of object will they be able to see through?"

"The charm can be very specific, if the caster chooses," continued Hermione. "And I think that the ability to see through clothes on witches, but only those over fifty, would be good."

"How long does the charm last?"

"Ten weeks... and there is no counter charm."

Harry asked the question that he felt was most important, "How do we perform the charm?" Seeing how the 'special book' only contained sex magic, Harry was fairly certain that he'd enjoy it.

"I have to concentrate on an incantation in my mind while you..." Hermione paused and blushed before continuing. "You'll have to finger me to orgasm."

"Do you mean using the Pleasure Points?" Harry asked.

"No, you'll have to actually manipulate my, well... me." She demonstrated by wiggling her fingers in a very obvious motion for Harry to see.

Harry clapped his hands and rubbed them together gleefully. "When do we get started?"

"There's one drawback to the spell," added Hermione. "We have to perform the charm when our targets, Fred and George, are within twenty feet of us."

"What?" Harry asked stunned.

"I figure that we'll have to perform the charm at the dinner table," she clarified as a wicked grin spread across her lips.

"You are a naughty witch," commented Harry.

"Yes I am."

A very loud and happy "YES!" echoed down from Harry's room and after a moment of silence, the moaning started again.

"They must both be part rabbit," pondered Harry.

"Seeing that it's still early and Ron and Luna are busy," Hermione sauntered over to Harry and began to play with the button on his slacks. "How about we look for the Horcruxes? I mean, Ron and Luna can't do it and we're the only ones who can do it, right?"

Harry nodded his head in a vigorous and energetic manner.

"I'll go get my potion supplies," Hermione stated. "You get ready."

By the time Hermione reach the bottom step of the stairs leading to her room, Harry was mostly naked. He was busy tugging off his socks as Hermione disappeared. 'Harry, Jr.' was looking happily at Harry with its one eye and was up and ready for play time.

Shortly before Hermione returned, another impassioned "YES!" sounded from his room and shortly there after, more moaning. Harry looked down at his penis and silently asked it if it could do repeat performances like Ron. Mind you he also asked if 'Harry, Jr.' could do it several times in a row, but last much longer than two and a half minutes each time. Harry imagined that if his penis had shoulders that it would shrug and say "I'll give it a go."

Hermione returned wearing nothing more than her smile. Watching his girlfriend saunter over to him, he imagined what she would look like with the "Hello Kitty" lingerie on. Harry suddenly found himself considering if he should give her the present after all. He wondered if his choice of lingerie was such a good idea. He had bought the lingerie thinking that Hermione would enjoy wearing it, but he now realized that he had purchased the frilly set more for his enjoyment. Honestly, he would truly love to see Hermione wear the naughty undergarments, but he couldn't imagine how wearing a set of novelty knickers and bra could be enjoyable for her.

Hermione placed the caldron in front of Harry and tossed one of his discarded socks into the oily liquid.

"Sit down," she requested as she stirred the contents. Harry flopped down on the couch.

"Do you remember the incantation?" Hermione asked.

With a goofy grin Harry shook his head. All he recalled was how nice it was to have Hermione's hands on him.

"You say 'Ructo Vermis'/" Hermione reminded him. "And I say /'Praefoco Pullus'."

/Hermione dipped her hands into the caldron and then coated his penis with the oil. She lowered her face so that her lips were mere centimeters from '/Harry, Jr.'s crown and began to chant and pump. Her fingers ran up and down his shaft and her breath danced across its tip. Harry joined in with her chant and in a short matter of time; Harry became light headed and felt as if he had become detached from his body. He opened his eyes and saw that he and astral-Hermione were again floating above their bodies.

"Don't focus on my tits this time," she implored. "Just think about the Horcruxes."

"Okay," Harry said dejectedly and thought about Voldemort's Horcruxes.

In an instant, Harry and Hermione's spirits plummeted through floor after floor of the castle. They shot past the kitchen and dungeon and ended up in darkness once more. A sudden nagging feeling filled Harry, as if he had been here before.

"Does this place feel familiar to you?" he asked Hermione who was still stroking his penis. "I mean besides the first time you gave me a han - we performed the ritual?"

"No, not at all," she admitted, ignoring Harry's slip of the tongue. Harry heard water drip somewhere in the inky blackness.

Before Harry could speculate further, the couple took off. Their spirits flew through rock and earth before soaring through the night sky. Within seconds, they were flying toward the orphanage where Riddle was raised. Harry and Hermione passed through the ground and entered the dimly lit chamber.

"I wonder what exactly this one is?" Hermione asked as they both examined the black sheet hiding the relic.

"It really doesn't matter," Harry answered. "We just have to destroy it."

"I know, I'm just curious."

After a moment, the pair took off again. This time they rocketed toward a nice looking house in the country.

"This must be Founders' Cove," offered Harry as they entered the house. Sitting in front of the fireplace was the crumpled looking wizard who had bought Slytherin's Locket from Borgin. He was examining the Locket he held in his hands. He lovingly caressed the gold object, and then set it tenderly on the table next to him.

"Now, the last Horcrux, Voldemort himself," Hermione stated as they zipped through the air. They flew past towns and cities, rapidly approaching the eerie looking keep. Their spirits slid through the stone and mortar and entered Voldemort's throne room. Voldemort was pacing back and forth in front of a cowering Wormtail.

"It's time to go spelunking in the special cave, again," Voldemort said knowingly.

"But Master, the 'cave' is dark and... and..." Wormtail nervously stammered. "It's unnatural!"

"What are they talking about?" Hermione asked knowing that Voldemort and his lackey could neither hear nor see the two teens.

"I don't know. Maybe they're talking about where the missing Horcrux is?" offered Harry. "Perhaps Voldemort is asking Wormtail to go into the cave where it's hidden to check up on it."

"Nothing about me is natural," Voldemort hissed at Wormtail's hesitation. He threw a very small harness, something that would fit onto a rat, at the animagus' feet. "Now, transform!"

Wormtail quickly changed into his rat-form and the Dark Lord pulled a cardboard tube, similar to the type from a roll of paper towel, out of his robes.

"What in heaven's name are they doing?" Hermione asked.

"You better have clipped your nails this time, Wormtail," Voldemort threatened as he began to turn around. "I was bleeding for days last time!"

The villain reached down and grabbed the string that was attached to Wormtail's harness. Then, much to Harry and Hermione's disgust, Voldemort threw off his robes and revealing his deathly pale and boney arse to them. Voldemort positioned the cardboard tube at his bum and it finally became clear what the Dark Lord and Wormtail were about to do.

"WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" both Harry and Hermione screamed as Voldemort knelt down on the floor and began to wedge the tube into his rectum.

"Let's get out of here!" Harry cried in fear. "End the ritual now!"

"I can't!" Hermione said, beginning to panic. It won't end until you ejaculate!"

"Work faster!" demanded Harry with terror. "We have to leave right now!"

"I know! I'm trying!" Hermione snapped as she began to furiously pump on Harry's member in desperation, trying her best to make him cum, thereby canceling the spell. Harry, even through his growing nausea, felt that Hermione was creating enough friction to start a fire. Harry cringed as Wormtail scampered into the tube, he could hear the rat's tiny claws scarping on the inside of the tube.

"Oooh that's it," Voldemort cooed in a most disturbing manner as Wormtail disappeared from view into the tube. "Who's been a good Dark Lord?"

Harry's blood ran cold as he saw Voldemort's face tighten, and the villain declared, "That's right! I've been a good Dark Lord! A VERY GOOD DARK LORD!" Harry heard Wormtail squeak in pain

In a snap, Harry and Hermione returned to their bodies. Harry hadn't cum, but instead had rapidly lost his erection, thereby aborting the ritual abruptly. To be honest, just saying that Harry had lost his erection was a little understated. It was more like 'Harry, Jr.' was so frightened at what Voldemort did with his free time that the penis ran away and hid, threatening never to come out again. He also saw that his penis was fairly red and raw from Hermione's desperate and panicky pumping. Harry shivered and noticed that he was covered in a cold sweat. He looked down to check on how his girlfriend was doing.

"Hermione, are you okay - ?" but Harry was unable to finish his question because he saw Hermione's pretty hazel eyes roll up into her head and she fainted. This of course led to an immediate problem for Harry because she fell forward and into him. But the fact that she fell into him wasn't the main problem. Rather the issue was that she fell rapidly and with a great deal of force, with her forehead smashing into his genitals - in other words; Hermione accidentally, and very savagely, head-butted Harry's nuts. Harry curled up in the fetal position screaming in pain with Hermione's face was still buried in his groin before blacking out himself.


To Be Continued
3 comments

Anonymous readerReport

2014-01-22 21:11:46
The pain.... Oh I felt that..

Anonymous readerReport

2008-12-11 15:39:16
Aw8...thiz stry is a bitch man itz so0o0o0o luka...

Anonymous readerReport

2008-09-10 22:01:03
i love the allusion to the british broomstick toy recall. hilarious!

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