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Chapter Eighteen: Pass the Salt and the Awkwardness, Please.



Disclaimer: Not mine, I own nothing. I'm not making any money.

WARNING: Harsh Language, adult themes, sexual situations (i.e. smut), bad spelling and grammar.



Author's Notes: This story is a broad farce with over the top humor (a good deal of it is crude and sexual) and OOC actions (that's Out Of Character if you don't know). Also, this is my first smut-ish fic. If you don't like sex and sex-based humor, do NOT read this!



Chapter Eighteen: "Doctor, Doctor, give me the news..."







After Tonks had left, Harry and Hermione had a very interesting conversation.

"B-but I-I already m-met your f-folks," Harry pointed out nervously.

"You said 'hi' to them from across the room five years ago," corrected Hermione. "That isn't what I'd call /'meeting them'/."

"C-couldn't we do this a-after we defeat V-Voldemort," Harry suggested with a stutter. "I-I mean, I'v-ve got so much on my mind as it is; g-go to school , f-find the Horcruxes, f-face Voldemort. P-please, w-w-we'll meet y-your parents a-after I defeat V-Voldemort!"

At that precise moment, Harry was hoping that he'd lose the final battle with Voldemort. Death was a much more pleasing option to Harry than meeting the parents of the girl he was having sex with.

"Harry, you're the bravest person I know," said Hermione. "You face danger constantly. Practically every madman in Britain has tried to kill you. You went toe to toe with a fire-breathing dragon for pity's sake! How could meeting my parents be worse than that?"

"Because I wasn't boinking the dragon's daughter!" Harry pointed out.

"What, do you think I'm going to introduce you like 'Mum, Dad, this is Harry. We've had sex in a broom-cupboard while a group of house-elves mourned outside' /or 'This is Harry. I like to swallow his load'/?" Hermione asked.

"Please don't," Harry squeaked weakly.

"Don't worry Harry, my parents won't know," Hermione clarified. "It's not as if I going to wear a sign that states we've had sex."

"But your eyes are green," Harry retorted. "They'll want to know why your eyes have changed color."

"I'll simply cast a Glamour Charm on them so they look brown again. Besides, even if they did notice them, they'd never suspect how it happened. It's not like they would ever associate eye-color change with sex."

Even with Hermione's reassurance, Harry was still nervous about meeting her mother and father. So, to help bolster his confidence, Hermione took a page out of Luna's book. Later that night, Harry and Hermione commandeered the fourth year boys' room - because Ron and Luna were already in Harry's room shagging like rabbits... again. What followed was a very interesting scene. As Harry lay on his back, Hermione rode him like a pony. She was bouncing up and down which made her boobs jiggle quite nicely. But what was very unusual was that in between thrusts and grunts, Hermione would tell Harry anecdotes about how nice and loving her parents were.

"/Um/... my dad... /oh/... loves model trains... /Merlin, that feels so-o-o-o go-o-ood/... and when... /ah/... I was eight... /wow/... I broke... /yummy/... one of his favorites... /yeah, right there/... he was mad at first and yelled... /uh/... but then he bought me a lolly... /grrr/... to say he was sorry for yelling."

Harry wasn't certain that he was feeling more confident about meeting her father or not, but he was becoming convinced that Hermione really enjoyed being on top.

"/Yes-s-s-s/... and my mum... /play with my titties, Harry/... bakes wonderful... /oh fuck/... cookies... /warm and gooey/... all warm and gooey...."

After they had finished, Hermione cuddled with Harry while she continued to praise her parents as they drifted off to sleep.



*



The next day, Hermione left early in the morning to go shopping for a present for Tonks and the baby. She told Harry that her errand would most likely be an all day event and that she would head over to the shower right after shopping therefore she wouldn't be back until late.

Harry was a little bored without Hermione. He had grown used to her company the past few days - in particular when they were both naked and in each other's company - and it felt a little odd that she wasn't there.

Thankfully, Ron and Luna were there to keep Harry company. Luna sat on the couch reading Harry's 'special book' while the two wizards played chess. Every once in a while, Luna would read aloud a segment of the book that she found interesting.

"It says here, there's a position that causes the witch to sneeze and have spontaneous bouts of accidental magic," the blonde witch read. "And here's a ritual that causes plants and other vegetation to grow faster through the act of something the author refers to as /'double-dipping'/."

"That's nice," Ron said dispassionately as he moved one of his pawns right in front of Harry's bishop. It was clear that Ron was still nervous about having dinner with his new father-in-law. Because of this distraction (or as one might call it; mind-numbing fear), for the first time, Harry was able to beat Ron.

Around four in the afternoon, Luna and Ron left for their dinner date with her father leaving Harry to head down to the kitchens for an early supper. Unfortunately, the one sect of the house-elves were still upset about Harry having sex with Hermione and showed this anger in how they prepared his food. The meal, if one could call it a meal, consisted of festering meat of some kind, a small pile of dirt, and a boiled shoe. Although Harry had to admit that the shoe was very nicely garnished with some rosemary and thyme. It showed that the house-elves were still taking pride in their work.

Given his options, Harry decided to head out to Hogsmede to fetch his supper instead. He walked into The Three Broomsticks, which was under new management seeing that Madam Rosmerta was still in St Mungo's, and found Hagrid and Professor McGonagall sitting at a nearby table.

"'ello there, Harry," the half-giant called out. "Good ter see ya."

"Come join us, Mr. Potter," requested McGonagall.

"Thank you," said Harry as he took an empty seat. After ordering some stew and a butterbeer from the waitress, Harry asked McGonagall, "Weren't you invited to Tonks' shower as well, ma'am?"

"Yes, I was," answered McGonagall. "But to be perfectly honest, those types of gatherings tend to bother me. It's an excuse for witches to gather together and complain about dirty nappies and stretch marks."

After the three finished their meal, McGonagall brought up an interesting topic.

"Draco Malfoy woke up earlier today," the Headmistress stated. "He claims that he was running from Death Eaters. It seems that Mr. Malfoy didn't have the stomach for it."

"Are they going to prosecute him for what he did?" Harry asked.

"Not likely," informed McGonagall.

"What do you mean?" Harry blurted out. "At the very least, he helped the Death Eaters attack Hogwarts and kill Professor Dumbledore."

"The moment Malfoy woke up he started talking," McGonagall explained. "He named a dozen previously unknown Death Eaters who were spying in the ministry. He also gave the location of a Hit-Wizard named Ross Stone, who has been missing for almost a year now."

"If ya ask me he was better left missing," Hagrid commented after he took a massive gulp of ale. "For what e's done, e's an unbelievably arrogant bugger."

"That's not a very nice thing to say about Stone, Hagrid," McGonagall chastised the large man before commenting under her breath "Even though it's true.

"Because of this useful information that Mr. Malfoy supplied," the Headmistress continued. "I believe that the Ministry is planning on giving Draco leniency."

Harry, McGonagall, and Hagrid made their way back to the castle as Harry pondered the information on Draco. Even though Draco may have done some good in turning over a few Death Eaters to the Ministry, it still didn't sit right with Harry. Dumbledore was dead in part to Draco's actions. In Harry's mind, Draco should have to do a lot more than turn over some Death Eaters in order to earn forgiveness.

Harry returned to his room and noticed that Hermione, Luna, and Ron had not yet returned. Picking up his /'special book'/, Harry headed up to his room to read up on some new techniques.

An hour or so later, Harry heard Hermione call out from the Common Room.

"Harry, are you in here?" she yelled.

"Yeah, in my room," Harry called out. He could hear her run up the stairs and he set his 'special book' on the bedside table.

Hermione rushed in the room carrying a large paper bag. A huge grin was plastered on her face and her cheeks were a bright red.

"I take it you had a good time?" Harry asked.

"It was brilliant!" Hermione cheered.

"Really?" Harry asked. "I didn't know a baby shower could be so much fun." In fact, both Tonks and McGonagall had told him that all that happened at these gatherings were discussions about pregnancy and babies. That didn't sound like fun to him. Actually, it sounded rather frightening.

"It wasn't just a baby shower thanks to Courtney!" Hermione said and clutched the bag to her chest happily.

"What did she do?" Harry inquired. Courtney had a wicked streak in her and Harry knew that the Auror-in-training could do some mischievous things.

"Seeing how Remus and Tonks are getting married, Courtney officially declared that it was a bridal shower as well!" Hermione was as happy as a child on Christmas morning.

"What does that mean?" Harry honestly had no idea what happened at a bridal shower. He assumed that since everyone talks about babies and pregnancies at a baby shower that in a bridal shower is full of discussions about weddings. But that didn't give Hermione a reason to be so happy. Did someone hit her with a Cheering Charm?

"Let me show you!" Hermione dumped the contents of the paper bag onto his bed. As the contents spilled out on his sheets, Hermione called out, "Courtney brought party gifts for everyone!"

As Harry looked at the various objects that were now on his bed, he realized that a baby shower is nothing like a bridal shower. These items would be completely inappropriate to give to an expectant mother or the soon-to-be-born child.

The first thing Harry saw on the pile was four sets of pink fur-lined leather cuffs. A long thin chain was attached to each of these cuffs. Hermione unsuccessfully attempted to force back a giggle when Harry picked up one of the cuffs. The next item looked like a short wand but it had a small ball on the tip. Harry had no idea why Courtney would give Hermione such a strange looking wand. A ping-pong paddle was lying alongside a red ball that was attached to some sort of long leather strap. There were several other devices of various sizes and shapes, but one of the items was easily identifiable; a very large and fluffy quill. When Harry picked up the big and fluffy feather, Hermione sighed happily.

"Um, what are these?" Harry asked.

"They're toys!" Hermione said exuberantly.

They were unlike any toys Harry had ever seen. He recalled his toys when he was a kid: broken toy soldiers and bent Frisbees; these items were nothing like his toys. Besides, even if they were toys, Harry had no idea what Hermione was so happy about. She was more a book person than a toy person.

Hermione pushed all of the so-called toys except for the cuffs and chains off of the bed. Harry watched as she sat on the bed and then proceeded to wrap one of the cuffs around her left ankle. She then repeated the process on her right ankle and then both of her wrists with the remaining three cuffs.

"Tap each one with your wand," Hermione ordered with a touch of mirth in her voice.

"Okay," Harry uttered and then complied. A second after he had tapped the last of the four cuffs, the chains sprang to life. They shot out in four different directions, causing Hermione to fall back onto the bed. As Hermione was flung back onto the bed, she made a fairly happy "whee-e-e!" sound.

Harry gulped and looked at his girlfriend in surprise. She was lying spread-eagle on her back. Judging by how taught the chains were, Harry assumed that Hermione could only move her arms and legs a couple of inches at most.

"Don't just stand there," Hermione said eagerly. "Get to work."

"You want me to use one of these?" Harry asked disbelievingly and he held up the quill for example.

"No, I want you to make a cake," Hermione said with a giggle. "Now get these clothes off of me and tickle me with that feather!"

Harry was stunned yet again at how kinky his girlfriend was; she wanted him to strip her and then tease her with the feather. Thankfully the happiness he felt about having such an adventurous lover surpassed his surprise and he grabbed his wand.

"/Vestimentum// Abripio!"/ Harry incanted and all of Hermione's clothes disappeared with a pop. The only things she was left wearing were her socks and trainers.

Hermione craned her neck and looked at her exposed flesh. "Well, I was thinking that you would've done that slowly. You know, drag it out a bit."

"I'm sorry, I thought you were in a rush," Harry mocked. "If you'd like, I can put the clothes back on and we can start again?"

"To hell with that," Hermione hissed. "I'm so randy that I'm practically dripping."

To test Hermione's word, Harry held his hand at her flower. Her heat radiated through his hand as it hovered less than an inch away from her petals.

"Not quite yet," Harry commented on her state of arousal. "But you're getting there."

Harry held the feather over Hermione's face and slowly brought it down so that it covered her nose and lips. With a deliberately unhurried pace, Harry dragged the toy down her chin, over her neck, stopping at the valley between her breasts. Harry began to draw a small circle in between her tittes with the tip of the feather. Tiny bumps blossomed all over Hermione's skin and her body shivered as the feather tickled her. After a few seconds, Harry moved the tip so that it was circling her breast. Slowly, Harry closed the circle until it eclipsed 'Carmella'. The bud rose up and poked out of the hair-like strands of the feather. Harry decided to congratulate 'Carmella's' achievement of breaking through the feather's fibers by giving it a kiss. His lips encompassed her nipple and Hermione groaned out. Harry repeated this process on /'Natasha' /because he didn't think it would be fair to leave the other nipple out.

Hermione shivered as the feather dragged down her tummy and circled her belly-button. She groaned out in anticipation as Harry ran the tip over her hairless mon-pubis. Then he traced the feather down the insides of her thighs, just barely touching her flower. Hermione ground her hips, silently begging for Harry to continue. He ran the tip of the feather along her labia and she moaned.

A sharp pain drew Harry's attention to his own groin. 'Harry, Jr.' was so eager to play that the organ was trying to force its way through Harry's trousers. Harry paused for a second to readjust his pants so that his penis had a little more room to expand.

Harry returned his attention to Hermione and continued the tactic of teasing her flower for some time. He marveled at how Hermione moaned and how she struggled against her restraints.

"Take me Harry," Hermione moaned out. "I need you inside of me."

Normally, Harry would have been more than eager to follow her request - in fact, 'Harry, Jr.' was begging him to obey her command - but he got such a thrill at teasing her that he wanted to continue at it. The soft sounds she was making and the way she was wriggling truly excited him. He needed to see more. So Harry continued to tickle her pussy with the feather. Harry was amused by her reaction, Hermione felt pleasure at the feather, but it wasn't enough. Her body was aching for release.

"Har-r-r-ry!" she mewed in frustration and lust which only heightened Harry's arousal and his determination to tease her. Her flower was glistening and the fibers of the feather began to clump and stick together.

Resolving to cause her even more pleasurable frustration, Harry used two of his fingers from his free hand to begin to gently pry apart her petals to expose her clit. Hermione quickly tried to move her hips in hopes of some sort of penetration and relief, but Harry denied her. He spread her lips open and revealed her button. Hermione cried out when he touched the wet feather to her clitoris. She quivered and he traced her bud lovingly. It was something that he could do for hours... and he had every intention of doing so when Hermione looked at him with her beautiful brown-green eyes.

"Please Harry," Hermione cried pitifully. "I need you..."

Harry placed the soiled feather to the side and focused on the image of a snake in his mind. He lowered himself and placed his lips to her womanhood and reached into the love that he felt for Hermione. She flowed into his mouth and on the sheets the moment his love-charge Parsletongue power entered her. Her juices dripped down his chin as he licked and suckled at her.

He looked up at her as he worked his magic. Her entire body was glistening with sweat and her skin was flush and radiant. The chains were the only thing keeping Hermione from grabbing fistfuls of his hair. Harry could see her fingers claw at the air, looking for something to grab onto.

"Sweet Baby Maeve!" Hermione cried out and Harry lapped at her honey as she orgasmed. Her legs tired to clamp down around Harry's head but the restraints held them in place. He continued to eat her out as she rode her climax.

"Get that thing in me now!" Hermione growled and panted.

Not even bothering to undress fully, Harry lowered his trousers just far enough to pull his rock-hard member out. Harry slid himself into her sopping cunny and she squeezed him.

"Fuck me hard, Harry," she ordered.

Harry didn't let himself go completely; he doubted that he ever would, out of fear of hurting her, but he did allow himself to thrust away. He drove into his lover causing his hips to slap against hers.

"Do it!" Hermione cried out. "Shag me!"

Due to the speed of his thrusts, Harry didn't last long. He pumped away and grunted as he spilled his seed into her. He continued to pump even after he had stopped cumming. His arms were growing weak and his body wanted to rest, but Harry ignored it. The look on Hermione's face told him that she would be climaxing again soon and his exhaustion was nothing compared to his desire to pleasure Hermione.

She didn't make a sound when it hit her, but Harry felt and saw her body tense up. Her walls contracted around his organ.

After she had finished, Harry lay on top of her and kissed her lips.

"I love you so much, Hermione," he whispered fondly.

"I... love... you... Har...ry" Hermione breathed out as she fell asleep.

Harry stayed there on top and inside of her. He enjoyed the sensation of her around him as much as he enjoyed watching her sleep. He took a great amount of pride in satisfying her so completely. A soft snore escaped Hermione's throat and Harry smiled. He had no idea how much time had elapsed when a voice sounded behind him.

"There are very reliable Door Locking Charms, you know," Luna said.

Without pulling himself out of his sleeping lover, Harry looked back over his shoulder to see Luna and Ron standing in the doorway. Luna had her ever-present dreamy look to her eyes while Ron had his hand pressed firmly over his own eyes.

"If you didn't know of any, you could've written simple a 'Do Not Disturb' note and stuck it to the door," added Luna.

"Okay," Harry squeaked. He imagined that Luna was getting a very interesting and messy show from where she was standing. If he had his wits about him, he may have retorted that Luna should practice what she preaches because he had walked in on them as well.

"We just wanted to pop in and tell you we're back from our dinner with Daddy," Luna informed Harry.

"Okay," Harry squeaked again. He was troubled that Luna wasn't bothered by the sight of him lying on top of a bound and unconscious Hermione.

"Daddy and Ronald got on smashingly," Luna said happily. "Didn't you Ronald?"

"Yes," Ron answered in a monotone with his hand still over his eyes. Harry was happy that at least Ron was bothered by seeing Harry lying on top of a bound and unconscious Hermione.

"I was going to wish you two a good-night," Luna stated. "But it's obvious that you have already had one."

"Okay," whimpered Harry.

Luna began to turn, as if she was finally going to leave the room, when she paused. Her large blue eyes were fixed on the pile of toys that Hermione had brought back from the shower. Leaving her boyfriend in the doorway, Luna trotted up to the side of Harry's bed. The blonde witch bent over - Harry noted that her head was uncomfortably close to his and Hermione's joined hips while doing so - and retrieved the short wand. She stood back up and held the device in front of Harry's face.

"Can I borrow this tonight?" she asked exhilaration.

"Okay," Harry muttered. He still had no idea what the item was used for, but it was clear by Luna's excited expression that she knew what it was.

Once again, Luna turned to the door but stopped. Harry saw her eyes survey the wet sheets and she gave him the thumbs-up symbol.

"Smashing job, Harry," she commented. "I know Ron's not a Parslemouth, but you have to teach him some of your techniques."

"Okay," murmured Harry.

Before she left, Luna gave Harry a congratulatory pat for his job of satisfying Hermione into unconsciousness. Of course, the pat was on Harry's naked arse. This caused him to recoil away from the smack which led to him accidentally thrusting his hips into Hermione's, which caused her to snore loudly. Thankfully, Hermione was completely worn out. Harry thought it would be safe to assume that Hermione would be upset if she had woken up to find Harry still inside her while having a conversation with Luna.

"Night, Harry," Ron muttered with obvious embarrassment in his voice.

"We're going to be using this wand I barrowed in the Common Room, just to let you know," Luna informed Harry before disappearing down the hall.

Harry continued to lie in and on Hermione for a while. He was still in too much shock at having Ron and Luna walk in on the "after-glow" to move. After a few moments, Harry snapped out of his surprise and rolled off and out of his lover. He muttered a few cleaning spells and removed the cuffs from Hermione's ankles and wrists. Pulling the sheet over them, Harry cuddled with Hermione. As Harry drifted off into sleep, he heard a distant soft buzzing sound accompanied by Luna's giggle.



*



The first thing Harry saw when he woke up the next morning was Hermione's smiling eyes. He assumed that her lips would have been smiling as well if they weren't wrapped around his willy.

Apparently, 'Harry, Jr.' woke up before Harry did. And Hermione clearly wanted to thank the organ, and therefore Harry, on such a good job of pleasing her the night before.

"Morning, love," Harry groaned out.

Hermione raised her mouth off of Harry's organ to return the greeting. "Good morning," she said with a thin line of spittle connecting her lips to his crown. After she finished speaking, Hermione plunged back down and began to hum Harry's theme.

Harry wished that he could wake up to this every morning; it was so much better than an alarm clock. He felt pity for other wizards who had to rise out of their slumber to the sound of a ringing bell. Humming and slurping were much better sounds than any bell ringing.

"Oh by the way, Harry," Hermione paused in her fellatio. "I stopped by my parents yesterday, before the shower."

"Oh really," Harry tried to sound like he cared, but all he wanted was Hermione to continue sucking. Perhaps she could talk while it was in her mouth? No, that might lead to a case of accidental biting.

Thankfully, Hermione returned to the task immediately after speaking. She bobbed a few more times and Harry could feel his balls begin to well up. Seeing how close he was, Harry reasoned that Hermione must have started to suck him off well before he woke up.

Once again, Hermione stopped and raised her head.

"I stopped by and talked to my parents before I went to the shower to ask them something," she said while she stroked his length.

"That's nice," Harry murmured. He honestly didn't care if she had popped over to Buckingham Palace to have tea with the Queen. All he wanted was for his lover to finish what she had started, and to finish soon. It wasn't fair of Hermione to have a discussion with him at a time like this. She must've known that he couldn't form coherent thoughts much less words when she was blowing him.

Hermione went back to pleasuring Harry. Something was nagging him, at the back of his mind. It was like his subconscious was trying to tell him something that had slipped his mind. He knew it was dreadfully important, but it obviously wasn't as important as Hermione giving him head.

He was so very close, any second he'd be a happy wizard. But his joy was postponed yet again when Hermione paused to speak.

"I set up that dinner with my parents," she said.

"Neat," Harry forced himself to mutter. What he truly wanted to say was "Who the hell cares? I'm about to cum!"

/ /Hermione enveloped his organ into her mouth once more. She was infuriating him with all this small talk. Why the hell would she start this if she wanted to talk? She was using her mouth for other things besides speaking. And when she talked, she only delayed his pleasure. Was this in retaliation for all the teasing he inflicted on her the night before? Harry realized that it wasn't, because he had a feeling that Hermione would do a much better job of teasing besides pausing to have a chat. Perhaps she had an ulterior motive.

That nagging sensation grew in his head. It slowly dawned on Harry that it was something about Hermione's parents. He knew that Hermione had a reason to talk to her parents and it was important in some way to Harry, but what it was had slipped his mind. Hermione's wonderful mouth on his penis drove it and all other thoughts away.

He was on the edge of cumming. In a second or two, he'd be finished.

"Hermione, I'm gonna-"

Harry started to warn his lover of his impending ejaculation. But Hermione raised her head and said rapidly: "We're going to have dinner with my parents tonight!"

She then swallowed Harry's organ before he could realize what she had said to him. She bobbed and sucked. Harry grunted as he released himself into her mouth. The black-haired wizard lay on his back panting. He was very happy.

Then, Hermione's words hit him; he was going to meet her parents in a few hours!

Harry shot upright in the bed and looked with horror filled eyes at his girlfriend.

"Bu-b-but w-w-what?" he stammered.

"We're going to have dinner with my mum and dad tonight," she repeated with a devilish grin on her face.

Harry looked between his still wet genitals and Hermione in surprise and disbelief. "You told me that while you were giving me head?"

"Yes," she answered and the roguish smile grew. "You would have started to panic if I just brought it up. This way I eased you into the knowledge."

"By giving me head?"

"I happen to think it went well," Hermione stated. "If I wasn't giving you fellatio, you would've tried to talk your way out of meeting mum and dad."

Harry was about to voice his objections. Hermione had turned something pure and wonderful - the blow job - into nothing more that just a means to mask a conversation. But any protests he had were lost on Hermione when she stood and commanded, "We need to get you some decent clothes, so let's hop in the shower." With that, Hermione walked out of the room.

Harry sat in his bed. He hung his head low and sulked. He was going to meet the parents of the witch he was in love with and was shagging. He wondered if he would feel less awkward meeting them if he and Hermione hadn't had sex yet.

After a minute or two, Harry walked into the bathroom. His sullen spirit was suddenly lifted when he saw a wet, naked, and suds-covered Hermione waiting for him. Normally, Harry could take a shower in less than five minutes, but seeing how he had to help Hermione wash up, it took him a little over fifteen minutes to do so. Of course, he had to bring her to orgasm with his tongue and fingers after he washed her hair; it was the polite thing to do.



*



Harry's breakfast consisted of a large plate of steaming Thestral droppings. He reasoned that it was the winged horse's excrement because he could see it but Hermione couldn't. After stealing half of Hermione's food, the two lovers set out for Diagon Alley.

First, they had to stop by Gringrotts to pick up some money. Seeing how they were going to meet her parents, they realized that they couldn't shop for Harry's clothes in Diagon Alley. He had to be in proper Muggle-clothes for that. So they had to exchange a few galleons for pound notes.

Harry had not gone clothes shopping since he had to buy his first set of school robes (it also happened to have been his first time clothes shopping as well). Needless to say, Harry was completely lost when Hermione led him into a Muggle department store. There were hundreds of styles to choose from.

Hermione decided to let Harry pick out his own clothes. It was a mistake that many women make when they are first dating; they believe their boyfriends can have the slightest traces of taste and style without their input. Hermione realized her error when Harry showed her the plain white pull-over - which was four sizes too large - and the pair of jeans - again, four sizes too large. Hermione nearly dragged Harry physically through the store as she picked out over a dozen shirts and slacks for Harry to try out. She then marched him over to the fitting rooms and made him try each one on. Hermione demanded that Harry parade each outfit in front of her. After she had Harry turn around to show the clothes off, she dismissed all of her selections. They either didn't "suit" him or the color was suddenly "all wrong" for him. She then marched Harry back through the shop and selected another dozen set of clothes. Harry then had to try each one on and Hermione would examine him and then decided if Harry should buy it or not. She repeated this process countless times over the next four hours and three shops until she was satisfied with three dress shirts and two slacks for Harry. Before that day, Harry didn't realize shopping was such a demanding and tiring process.

After a light lunch at a Muggle restaurant, they headed back to the castle. When they arrived, Hermione supervised Harry as he dressed.

"No, not the polo," she said. "Try the blue button-up one... no the red one."

It took Harry half an hour to dress. Hermione kept changing her mind as to what he should wear. The seventh time she had him try on the blue shirt, he realized that she must have been just as nervous as he was.

After they had successfully dressed, Hermione created a Portkey out of an old piece of parchment. Harry landed gracelessly in the back garden of the Granger home. With a wave of her wand, Hermione cleaned Harry's clothes.

"Are you ready?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," Harry said aloud while chanting internally 'Don't mention sex. Don't mention sex.'

/ /Hermione was about to open up the back door when Harry stopped her.

"Hermione, your eyes!" he hissed. In all the excitement, they had forgotten to disguise her now mostly green eyes. Harry knew that Hermione was right when she said her parents wouldn't possibly guess the cause of this change, but he didn't want to take any chances. Hermione waved her wand over her face and the green was replaced by brown.

As Hermione tucked her wand away, the back door flew open with a bang. In the doorway stood a short man with curly brown hair, the same hair as Hermione's. He glowered at Harry angrily.

"You Potter?" he asked gruffly.

"Yes sir," Harry replied in a tiny voice.

"What are your intentions with my daughter?" he demanded.

"Daddy!" Hermione chastised.

"Richard!" a voice sounding very similar to Hermione's called out from inside the house. "Leave the poor boy alone!"

A woman, who had a very similar nose and mouth to Hermione, hauled the man away from the door.

"But Fiona, it's my job," the man objected as he disappeared from view.

Hermione led Harry into the house. Her parents were standing in front of the stove.

"Mum, Dad, this is Harry Potter. Harry, these are my parents; Doctor Richard Granger and Doctor Fiona Granger." Hermione introduced them.

"You can call us Fiona and Richard," Hermione's mother said warmly. It was clear to Harry that Fiona was trying her best to make him comfortable.

"No he can't," Hermione's father objected. Harry felt it was safe to assume that Richard had no intention of making Harry feel comfortable.

"Ignore him," Fiona commented. She then shook Harry's hand and said cordially "Hello Harry."

"Hi, ma'am," Harry returned the greeting.

Richard's greeting wasn't as warm and inviting as his wife's. In fact, when Harry extended his hand to Hermione's father, the man stared at it like it was something offensive. For what felt like an eternity, Harry stood there with his hand extended, waiting for Richard to shake it.

Harry saw Hermione give her mother a concerned look. It was clear that Hermione was both worried and embarrassed by her father's attitude. Picking up on her daughter's look, Fiona broke the awkward silence.

"Let's have dinner shall we?" Fiona said and led everyone out of the kitchen and into the dinning room.

It was a wonderfully prepared meal of roast chicken and potatoes. While they ate, Fiona would ask Harry polite question about himself and Hermione. Such as, "Do you two share a lot of classes?", "Do you like Hogwarts?", and "Do you know what you are going to do with you life after you're finished with school?"

Harry limited his responses to "Yes, ma'am" or "No, ma'am." He was afraid that if he said anymore than that he would blurt out something inappropriate. For example; "I can draw an exact replica of your daughter's vagina from memory!" Harry thought that would not be proper.

Of course, Richard just stared menacingly at Harry throughout the entire dinner. Which added to Harry's already massive case of nervousness. The young wizard was sweating bullets.

When Hermione and Fiona were almost finished with their meal, Harry noticed that he had barely touched his food. He didn't eat much simply because he was so nervous. But Richard took his lack of appetite as something offensive.

"Is our food not good enough?" Richard asked as he glowered at Harry.

"Richard, just what do you think you are doing?" Fiona demanded.

"My job," Richard said as if those two words unequivocally proved his point.

"And what is your job, exactly?" Hermione asked. Harry could see that his girlfriend was upset with her father's behavior.

"My job as your dad," Richard elaborated. "It's the job of all dads to give the blokes who are interested in their daughters a hard time."

"Oh come off of it Richard," Fiona chided. "My dad did the same thing to you when I brought you home. I distinctly remember that you hated the way dad treated you."

"That's different," argued Richard. "Your Dad was being unrealistic. Me, on the other hand, I'm protecting our daughter's virtue from this bag of raging hormones." This was completed with a finger jabbed in Harry's direction.

Hermione just rolled her eyes.

"Besides, I'm just carrying on a tradition," argued Richard. "Every dad has to consider the bloke who's dating his daughter is a sex-crazed fiend. And it's our duty as parents to protect our daughter from them."

"Stuff it, Richard." Fiona shot back. "Hermione's got a good head on her shoulders and she's known Harry for years. And it's obvious that they care for each other deeply. So leave the boy alone!"

Richard grumbled something before hanging his head dejectedly.

After finishing dinner, Harry helped the Grangers clean up the table. The four then went into the parlor for drinks. Fiona sat on the couch while Harry and Hermione took two comfy chairs opposite of the couch. Richard poured a glass of wine for himself, Fiona, and Hermione. Harry however was handed a glass of warm milk by Hermione's dad. The message was clear to Harry; Richard was saying that Harry wasn't a man yet and didn't deserve wine. Despite a glaring look from both Hermione and Fiona, Richard took pride in knocking Harry down a notch.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Fiona called out. "I made my homemade cookies! Let me go fetch them."

As Fiona went to the kitchen, Harry recalled that Hermione had told him that her mother made wonderful cookies, but he couldn't remember when she had told him this precisely. Harry had a feeling that it was a happy time when she told him this little tidbit. Was it when he and Hermione had rode Buckbeak to save Sirius? Or was it after he had gotten out of the lake at the second task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament?

A moment later, Hermione's mother returned with a platter piled high with chocolate chip cookies.

"I know cookies aren't the best with wine, but they are my specialty," Fiona declared proudly. She held the platter in front of Harry first and he took one. It was still warm.

"I just took them out of the oven," Fiona informed Harry while she took the tray over to Hermione. "That way the cookies are at their best; all warm and gooey!'

Then it hit Harry; Hermione had informed him about the cookies just the other day while she was bouncing up and down on /'Harry, Jr.'/. She had heralded her mother's cookies as being "warm and gooey" during sex! This revelation brought up the happy image of Hermione during that conversation in Harry's mind; bouncing titties and all! Harry was remembering shagging Hermione in front of her parents! He was breaking the first rule of meeting your girlfriend's parents; do /NOT/ think of your girlfriend naked - much less during intercourse - in front of her mother and father!

Harry tried desperately to block out the happy memory, but that just led to him recalling the incident in the broom cupboard. Tiny beads of sweat sprang up anew all over Harry's face. He clamped his jaw tight in fear of letting the knowledge of how far the two of them had gone in their love.

"Now, I know I may be jumping the gun here, but have you two thought about children?" Fiona asked with a glow. Thankfully, she had not noticed Harry's discomfort.

But Fiona's question brought up a terrifying concept: had Hermione's mum figured out that they had been practicing making babies? Harry felt very ill suddenly.

"Mother," Hermione groaned out. "I'm only seventeen."

"I know that, I was thinking years down the line. Perhaps after the two of you have careers," Fiona corrected and she sat on the couch next to Richard. "I want grandbabies, but not just now."

"Yes, but like you said; years from now," Hermione said with a blush and Harry could see Richard become very uncomfortable and angry at the idea of his daughter having sex; even if it was to produce grandchildren. "Oh, that reminds me," Hermione added. "Our friends are expecting a child soon."

"Really, who?" Fiona asked.

"Remus and Tonks."

"When are they due?"

"In a few weeks," Hermione answered. "Which seems strange at first because they got pregnant just the other day when Harry and I tricked them into doing a ritual we found in a book." Hermione chuckled at the memory of the prank. "We didn't know it at the time, but the side effect of the ritual is that it accelerates the pregnancy so that it lasts only two months."

"What kind of book would have such a ritual?" Fiona asked with obvious curiosity.

"A tantric book..." Hermione suddenly stopped and gulped in fear. It was clear that she had said more than she had intended.

Harry assumed that Fiona knew exactly what Hermione had meant when she used the word tantric by her expression. Her face was a mixture of anger and repulsion.

"Tantirc!" Fiona seethed. "A book on tantric rituals! Please tell me you haven't practiced any?"

Hermione and Harry's guilt-filled silence answered Fiona's question.

Whereas Fiona clearly knew what the term tantric meant, it seemed Richard was a little behind.

"Tantric, I've heard that somewhere," Richard spoke aloud. "Isn't that the thing Sting does?"

"Yes it's the thing Sting does!" Fiona hissed. "And it seems that it also happens to be the thing your daughter does as well!"

Richard shot a surprised and angry look directly at Harry before saying in a soft, yet baleful voice; "You touched my princess?"

"I cannot believe you had sex, young lady!" Fiona screeched.

"Mum, you just got through asking if we planned on having children!" Hermione shot back.

"Well, I didn't think that you'd be practicing so early on in your relationship!"

As mother and daughter argued, Harry was fearful of Richard. The older man had his hands balled into fists on his lap and he was visibly shaking. Harry wondered for a brief moment if he was going to have to Stun Hermione's dad.

"Mum, I've known Harry for six years," Hermione countered. "Don't tell me you and dad waited that long before having sex!"

"It's not the same thing, young lady! You father and I were already out of university and had our own practices when we met.!" Fiona shouted. "We were more mature when we had sex for the first time than you are now!"

Richard stood and Harry began reaching for his wand. He hoped that Hermione would forgive him for using magic on her dad.

"Mature?" Hermione asked. "How is the fact that Harry and I have slept together a sign of a lack of maturity?"

"You touched my princess!" growled Richard.

"You are far too young for such a relationship," argued Fiona.

"Too young? How can you, of all people, say I am too young to have sex?" Hermione asked.

"Because I am your mother!"

"Then maybe you shouldn't have given me you boarding school journals when I went off to Hogwarts," Hermione said in a threatening tone.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Fiona demanded.

"The Tumbleweed Dance..." Hermione said cryptically. At first, Fiona looked confused by Hermione's response, so Hermione added two names. "Jacob and Charlotte."

Suddenly, Fiona's red angry face turned pale and she took a calming breath.

"Richard, sit down," Fiona commanded.

"But he touched my princess," Richard contested. It was obvious that he so wanted to hurt the boy who deflowered his little girl.

"Hermione is an intelligent young lady who has a level head," Fiona pointed out. It was obvious that Fiona was still upset over the ordeal, but she was forcing herself to get over it for some reason. "She wouldn't just hop into bed with any boy. Besides, as she said, she has known Harry for six years."

Hermione stood up and said in a calm and dispassionate voice, "I think it's time we should be leaving."

Harry stood up and moved behind his girlfriend for protection. Hermione might have derailed her mother's anger, but her father was still a powder-keg waiting to blow. Hermione bid her parents good night and led Harry out of the house.

Hermione and Harry used the Portkey to return to Hogwarts and as they walked to the castle, Harry asked "What was that all about?"

"What, my dad or my mum?" she asked.

"Your dad I understood. He made it very clear that he didn't like the idea of me touching /'his princess'/," Harry replied. "What did you say to your mother to make her stop her rant? Who are Jacob and Charlotte.?"

"Oh, that," a bemused smile appeared on her face. "I was a little nervous when I was about to go to Hogwarts," explained Hermione. "You know, first time away from home and whatnot. So my mum gave me her journals that she had kept back when she went off to boarding school. She said that seeing that she had gone through similar things, that it would help calm my nerves.

"I noticed that some of her entries were in code," Hermione continued. "I wasn't able to break the code until third year - which should tell you how difficult the code was to crack. I found out that they were mostly entries about boys and crushes."

"So why did she freak out when you mentioned that dance?" asked Harry.

"Let's just say that I got my kinky hair from my dad," Hermione answered. "Everything else kinky about me came from my mum."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"My mum did..." Hermione paused, trying to find the right words. "She did something inappropriate at the dance with a boy and a girl... at the same time."

Harry stopped dead in his tracks.

"A three-way?" he blurted out. "Your mother was in a three-way?"

"She was young," justified Hermione. "And it was the Seventies."

A warm glowing feeling passed though Harry. Hermione had just admitted two things. First, she joked that she got her wild and kinky behavior from her mother. And second, she admitted that her mother was in a threesome! Hermione had just inadvertently hinted that she might want to add someone their little sex-romps!

"Don't get any idea about someone joining us, Potter," Hermione scolded, deciphering his look. "I'm a one wizard witch."

"Who said anything about a wizard," Harry said happily.

Hermione looked at Harry with her eyes bugged for two full seconds before saying; "Looks like someone will be sleeping alone tonight."

True to her word, Harry spent the night alone in his room. She was so angry with him that Harry doubted that she would be inclined to wake him up the way she did that morning ever again.




To Be Continued
5 comments

anonymous readerReport

2011-08-04 00:20:11
Haha i actually got the threesome when i asked and two more times after that good luck harry

anonymous readerReport

2011-07-27 00:17:02
now THERES a cockblock

anonymous readerReport

2011-06-20 01:12:43
ouch.... thats gotta hurt

amk7825Report

2010-04-17 23:17:38
lol, my bf said almost that exact thing once, you know, minus the witch/wizard thing. o man did he learn his lesson lol

Anonymous readerReport

2009-01-07 23:55:39
HaHa He shouldnt have said that.

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