Amanda looked at the clock by the bed and it read 5am. She decided to get up, there was no use trying to sleep when she was this troubled. No matter what she said or did lately, things between her and Douglas, just did not turn out the way she had dreamed they would. She was way past the point of being upset, she was now angry.
She was mad, for letting herself fall in love again. When she knew she had not even given her heart time to heal. God, she was doing the same damn thing she did, when her first marriage failed. She met a man while still married. Then, fell in love with him for all the wrong reasons. She wanted to crawl inside a deep hole and die. In her mind, she vowed she would never love again. The pain was more than she could bear.
She tossed and turned and couldn’t sleep so she got up and sat down at the computer and logged on. She figured, she might as well chat and have some sexy fun. She went into her favorite chatroom and typed the following then chucked.
"I'm going crazy at dawn and selling tickets! Come join the party. It will sure be a lot easier than what I am doing now! "
Soon one of her male friend's responded. "Oh honey, nothing is as bad as that, besides you can't go crazy, you're already there."
"Smart-ass, you take all the fun out of my pity party!”
"Not really, I’m just an educated ass!" He then asked, what was troubling her.
She told him the short version of her dilemma and then reached for the tissues. She also told him, that she hated crying over any man or situation. “I hate it and wished I had not met this guy, or fallen in love at all!"
"I know baby. You are a very loving, sensitive, and caring person. In addition, I bet that right now, you feel the pain is more than you can bear.
Just think for a moment, if you did not open up your heart to love again, the pain from the past could not have been let go."
"You know, I never thought of it that way. Thanks for listening. I think I will try to go to bed again, good-morning."
"Ditto, love yahs. Take care.”
She was about to log off, when she decided to write Douglas an email. Maybe, if she put her thoughts down in writing, he would think again, and not push her away.
“My Blue-eyed devil,
How can I tell you what is on my heart, without hurting and crying? A part of me wants to get to know you and fall deeper in love with the other side of you (the one I do not see in bed). I want to scream, “Why not?
Then I rationalize things and tell myself, I understand. Until the next day, then I miss you once more and start crying again. Damn-it, I wanted you to be my love, the only man in my life, forever.
However, deep down I know that we will never have that kind of love. I also know that part of my feelings stem from what I did not find with Bryan. I know these are rebound feelings that I am having. Although, we may thing it real love. It is not the kind of love that takes time to develop and mature. Still, I wake up in the middle of the night crying and screaming, "Why can't it be?"
Douglas, how do I move on? When, I am too scared to let myself go and find out? I guess time will heal all wounds. I will always wonder why when it comes to you. So always, be my friend and hold me close to your heart. I wish you were holding me and making love to me! I miss you terribly! I think I will always love you! I hope we can get together soon. Will meeting you make me cry and want you more? I do not know. I just know that I am not ready to give you up.
Your sexy-green eyed Angel.
As he read her email, he cried. He knew that both of them were realizing that their love affair was coming to an end. He didn't want it to happen, because he knew he still loved her. He knew that, somewhere deep in his heart, he'd always love her. However, he also knew that he couldn't give her what she wanted or what she needed. She needed a man who would care for her every day not just every few weeks. She wanted a man who could go off to work in the morning and come home to her every night. He couldn't give her that, because he was on the road all the time. Driving a big rig, that’s his job. That's how he makes a paycheck. There was no way that he could stop, just for one person. Even though, it was his happiness at stake too.
Many thoughts ran through his mind. Like hers, his heart was breaking. It had to be this way. He knew that he would honor his promise. No matter what happened between them, they'd always be friends. He'd always be there for her. Although, he wondered how they could be just friends after the love they'd shared.
Many of those thoughts kept running through his head. Not an hour went by during the day that he did not think of her. At times, he could still hear her sexy voice and laugh. He could still feel the softness of her caress. The way her hair felt in his fingers as it lay upon his chest. Plus, he remembered the fire that ignited in her deep green eyes, when she was aroused. He could not get out of his mind, that special way she had of waking him up in the morning, with her lips on his dick. Not a night passed, when she was not there, in his dreams. There were times he'd awaken in the middle of the night, and know she'd been there, even though she was hundreds of miles away. He knew that she loved him. He knew that he loved her. However, what can you do when fate deals you a losing hand? Fate had dealt the cards and these two had to play the cards they were dealt. There would been no shuffling and drawing from the deck again, they were not playing Gin Rummy. They were playing for life, they were playing for happiness, his and hers. It was just his tough luck, he reckoned, that he'd wound up with a busted flush.
But maybe, she could find her another man, with the full house that she needed. He hoped this was so, even though it was sure to break his heart.
He would rather have cut out his own heart, than tell her goodbye. He knew, that day was coming, sooner or later. If only, there was some other way. He knew that there was no other way they could go. He cried like a baby after that. His fingers were trembling way too much to even try to type and send her an email. He would have to call her.
She answered the phone, while wiping the sleep from her eyes. She had not slept much last night. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his piercing blue-eyes. Then she'd call out his name and hug her pillow. Finally, around 5am, she cried herself to sleep. She listened as he poured out his heart. She knew he was hurting as much as she was. She knew in her heart that fate had dealt the final hand and they had lost.
"Oh Douglas, I could wish that I had met you 30 yrs ago. I would be your first and only wife. There would be no discussions about heartache, lost love, or the future. You know something, one of these days I am going to look fate in the eye. Then say, fuck you, this time fate, you just drew the losing hand. Douglas, I pray that one day you to will find the love, peace, and happiness that you deserve. She told him she needed to see him again. She wanted to feel his arms around her one more time. Then she could say adieu. She did not want him, to hear the tears in her voice, when she told him good-bye. However, these were not tears of sadness, this time. They were tears of joy, because she had reached out her hand to him, and touched his heart. She had loved once more and now she needed to let him go.
She fell asleep that night without difficulty. She had finally begun to come to terms with everything. At 4am, she sat upright in bed, with the words of a poem running through her mind. She walked out to her computer and wrote the following. Then she emailed the poem to Douglas.
"Let Your Green-Eyed Angel Free"
How many tears will it take for this heart of mine to realize our love will never be?
How many lonely nights will I have before I realize we will never be together anymore?
How can I stop remembering your touch when I still feel your spirit all around me?
How come I crying out your name and say I love you when you do not hear me anymore?
How can I move onto tomorrow when I reminiscence and the memories block me?
How can I tell myself to let you go when my heart and soul wants you more?
Hold me in your arms one last time and love me then bid me adieu and set me free!