Down in our part of Oklahoma, we got some of the horniest, orneriest, drunkenest, cheatingest and the dumbest people you will find anywhere on God’s green Earth. Oklahoma and its people are all about extremes.
Take Carl Fotheringill and the time he caught his fourth wife, Desire Mae, giving Claude Waterhouse head in the back room of the Humper, Oklahoma Community Center during the Spring Festival Dance party last year. I mean she was chomping down on old Claude like he was a fast melting ice cream cone. The door to the back room swung open and there was Claude leaning against a table, grinning like he just won a million dollars.
And there was Desire Mae down on her knees doing what was rumored to be her favorite pastime.
The fact that old Carl’s first wife, Beulah, was leading him into that unlit room by his peter was not lost on Desire. She explained to Carl that she was giving Claude mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and got turned around in the dark. The problem with that explanation was, the lights were all on in that back room.
On the other hand, old Carl was willing to take her explanation at face value and not pursue it any further. But Beulah had to open her mouth and make a catty remark about how she'd just figured out why Desire always had such bad breath and the fight was on. By the time the fight was over, both women were buck-naked and rolling over and over in the middle of the dance floor.
The music stopped. The dancers all backed away from the center of the dance floor to watch the spur-of-the-moment entertainment. I thought it was a notch and a half better than all pro wrestling. Some of the guys were even betting on which one would win. And old Claude just stood there with his peter still hanging out, half drunk off his ass and wondering where Desire had got to.
Then Desire got on top and sat down hard on Beulah’s face and yelled, “Make me happy, bitch or never breath again!” Now I thought she was being just a mite melodramatic, until I got a look at her face. She was as serious as a heart attack. Beulah must have thought so too, because all at once, Desire got this great big grin on her face and she yelled, “Oh yes!” and got up off of Beulah before she completely smothered the poor woman.
Desire looked over at a very confused Carl and said, “I want to go home now.” She acted like she wasn't aware of the fact that she was as naked as the day she was born.
Carl looked down at her crotch and said, “How did you get them lipstick smears down there?” He is not the sharpest tack on the card.
“You wouldn’t understand, Honey,” she told him, "it’s a girl thing.”
“Can I go home with y’all?” Beulah asked. “Y’all done mortified the hell out of me and I don’t feel like I can stay here another minute.”
“Oh sure, you might as well,” Desire told her. “But I ride in the middle.”
So, one confused as hell Carl Fotheringill, led the way out to his old Chevy pickup, followed by two very naked ladies. The country band struck up, “Good Night Ladies,” and everybody applauded as the truck slowly rolled out of the graveled parking lot and onto the paved road.
Claude’s wife, Irma, saw him wandering around with lipstick on his peter and made him put it away. “Who the hell give you lipstick marks on your dingus, Claude,” she asked in a pissed off voice.
She looked like she was about ready to clean his clock right then and there. He told her it was Desire, half grinning and half afraid she might raise a ruckus. “Well, at least it wasn’t somebody ugly.” She said and took him out on the dance floor.
Just before they started to dance, she told him, “Put that damned thing away and if you ever pull that kind of shit again I’m going to cut it off.”
That’s what you might call the background for what happened the next day. I had big worries of my own right then. I was worried about losing my farm. I owed almost a hundred and fifty thousand dollars on a high interest loan that was due that afternoon.
The banker, Harold Loomis had promised me I could have a few extensions if I needed them. But the problem was I had a real bad feeling Harold was not going to renew my loan like he promised.
I sat in my beat up old Dodge pickup truck trying to work up the nerve to have it out with Harold. For some reason I happened to looked up as a big semi pulled over to the side of the road and stopped with a loud hissing of its air brakes. Then this, fine as frog’s hair, beautiful, lady hitchhiker was let off out of that semi truck. “I just thank you all so very much!” she called back up into the cab.
“Oh hell, little lady," the truck driver’s voice came back at her, “It’s me that has to be thanking you.”
She turned away and gave him a wave over her shoulder as she started walking toward Humper. She had this big old-fashioned purse over her shoulder and wore a shiny, silver-white skirt, blouse and vest, all made out of a brocaded raw silk that had a hell of a lot of poor little silk worms working overtime to make. Her custom-made boots looked like they might have paid for the boot maker’s oldest child to go all the way through college. Her coal black bobbed hair was done in a retro fashion out of the thirties.
I saw her get out of that semi and wondered how come, a pretty, little, fine looking thing like her, wearing a million dollar outfit, was hitch hiking. I mean she looked like she belonged in Oklahoma City in some millionaire’s house instead of walking down a dusty road headed toward a two-bit town a smidgen this side of nowhere. I did what any normal man would do and a whole lot of the abnormal ones would as well.
I called and asked her through the open window, “You want a ride on into town, little lady?” Then I got a real good look at her face as well as her figure.
“Why, thank you, Rupert, I'd appreciate that a whole lot.” She smiled at me with her Cupid’s bow mouth. She opened the door on my damned near all worn out1988 Dodge Dart pickup, and crawled in beside me.
“Well, you seem to know my first name. Would yours happen to be Betty?” I thought I was being real clever there.
“No, you sweet, tasty looking man and my last name isn’t Boop, either.” She smiled tolerantly at me in a way that said I was not being very original. But by God, she did look just like that cartoon character out of the thirties, Betty Boop. Then she went, “Boop boop ee doo!” in a squeaky voice that sounded just like the original Betty Boop did.
“Aw, now you’re making fun of me,” I told her. Where women are concerned, I always have been real sensitive.
“Honey baby, I can see how you are a real, high class gentleman by the way you keep trying to hide that hard-on from me. But then I find it a real nice compliment when I give a man a boner. It means that he thinks I’m good looking.”
I felt my face get hot as the blood rushed to it. My head was buzzing and I had no idea what to say. “You really hadn’t ought to say things like that to a strange man,” I finally told her. “The wrong person just might take it upon himself to, er, well …” My voice trailed of as I tried to think of a gentlemanly way to say what was on my mind.
“You mean, he just might try to fuck my little ole' brains right out of my empty head?” she asked me sweetly in an innocent voice. But I’ll tell you the smile was nowhere near sweet or innocent.
“No ma’am,” I replied with as much dignity as I could muster, “I was going to say that he might try and harm you. My mamma never raised me to use language like just came out of your mouth. It's very unseemly for a beautiful young lady like you to talk like that. It would give some men ideas.”
“Good!” she said, “If fucking was ever done away with, most of the men in this world wouldn't have a thing to think about. Of course, that’s all too many of them can do is think about it. They’d have no ideas at all if they didn’t have ideas about screwing.”
She looked at me and grinned, and I could see the laughter in her big, round heavily lashed eyes.
“Where do you want me to take you?” I asked.
“Your place would be nice, I need a shower and to change my clothes. Riding from Oklahoma City in that old truck was hot, sweaty business.” I wasn’t going to ask her what was hot and sweaty about riding in a tractor like that one with the windows all rolled down on a cold early spring morning. I figured I already knew the answer.
“Now, wait a minute! I never invited you to come stay with me. Hell, I don’t even know your name!”
“Well, your name is Rupert Morgan and my name is Angel Vine, middle initial ‘D’ for Darling.” She smiled brightly and said, “You better get your ass in gear, the truck too and get me somewhere I can peel off these clothes and scrub off all that road grime. I feel really yucky right now.”
“Angel D Vine is a made up name. It makes you sound like some kind of hooker or something. Ain’t you got a real name?”
“Sorry, Rupe, but that’s my name and holiness is my game. By the way, I’ll make you a loan to pay off the note on your farm. We better get to the bank right now. Hurry! That sneaky Harold Loomis is planning on closing a half hour early, just so he can foreclose on your property. There’s a big agribusiness outfit from Eastern Texas that's waiting to buy the place. How could you ever be so brain dead as to borrow money from a thief like Harold Loomis? That dude makes Scrooge look like Mother Teresa by comparison.”
“Well, if it’s any of your business, I needed the money to buy new equipment after someone stole my two tractors, harvester and everything else that wasn’t nailed down. Nobody else would loan me the money.” I was feeling real huffy that she knew so much about my business and here I did not know a single solitary thing about her.
“Will you please get this truck in gear so we can save the old homestead?” She gave me an exasperated look, and I took off.
Sure enough, just as we pulled up and got out of the truck, Harold pulled down the shades, even though it was only three thirty. I pushed to open the door while his head teller Wilmer Wispy, a weasel of a man, tried to hold it shut. I got sort of mad and shoved hard and the little jug head went flying.
“Why the hell are you trying to lock me out of your bank, Harold?” I asked even though I had half of a notion my new lady friend was right about him.
“Sorry,” Harold told me, “but it’s past closing time and you’ll have to come back tomorrow.
“Harold, tomorrow my loan will be past due and you'd be able to foreclose of two sections of the primest land in this part of the state. You wasn’t planning on doing something like that were you?” I gave him the fish eye.
“Come back tomorrow and we’ll discuss it,” he told me.
“Fuck you, Harold, we'll discuss it right now!” I yelled at him so loud he stepped back a pace and looked like he was getting ready to run.
“Well, if you don’t have the cash, I’m calling the note. I have that right, you know.” His face was twisted in a nasty sneer and I started doubled up my fist to smash him in the face. Usually I am a very peaceful man, but Harold really made me mad.
“Stop this silly bickering,” Angel told him. “You promised this man you'd let him renew as often as he wanted. You're going back on your word.”
“You keep your nose out of this. This is a business transaction between this man and me. You have no business butting in. Hookers should be screwed and not heard.”
“Snookums, here is one hundred and forty-seven thousand dollars. Take it and write out a receipt.” She reached in her handbag and began tossing out bundles of hundred dollar bills.
I came close to having a bowl movement in my long johns, except I wore boxer shorts. Now Harold, on the other hand, looked like he had just had one in his.
“I’ll have to verify that this money is good and by then, it will be too late. So you two run along to the nearest motel and I’ll prepare the papers for my cousin, the sheriff, to serve. Beat it!”
I grabbed the phone off his desk. He made an effort to grab it back. All at once, smoke began to pour from the mouthpiece and it got too hot to hold. I dropped it. “What the...?” I yelled. I had never had a telephone set on fire before.
“Sorry,” Angel apologized. “I want to get this settled right now.” She smiled sweetly and said, “Harold, dear, do the people know about what you and Michael Jackson have in common? Would you like them to know? How about the local television station?” She reached in that big bag of hers and pulled out what looked like a Polaroid picture.
He took one look and yelled, “Give me that!” He made a dive across his desk and fell. Desperately he kept trying to reach the picture in her hand.
“No, Harold.” She smiled a very, very nasty. “You'll take the money and mark the debt paid in full, and that will be that.”
Harold whimpered as he filled out the papers and signed them, and had his scrawny little teller notarize the signatures. He handed her all the papers and she handed them to me.
“Bye-bye, Harold,” she said sweetly as we walked out. Suddenly, she turned around and said, “You have all this man’s equipment back on his farm tomorrow. You are a disgusting, greasy ass hole.”
“What was that all about?” I asked.
“Oh, Harold here stole your farm equipment in the first place. He's a real weasel. Come on, let’s go home.” She took my hand and led me to the truck. When she let go, my hard-on was back. She looked down at my crotch, laughed and got in. I walked around, scooted in behind the wheel and we took off. I was numb as hell over what all had just happened.
Here I was, about to lose my farm to an evil banker and this angel, who looked more like she belonged in one of those French fuck movies they call art, just happened to waltz right into town at a crucial moment barely in time. Then, she just happened to have the ready cash to pay off my mortgage, right there in her big old purse. I mean, right out of the blue, she saved my farm and now wants to go home and have sex with me. Anyway, I figured she wanted to have sex with me. I admit, a great big part of me, wanted her to want to.
My poor under-worked brains were going around in wobbly circles with each other as I tried to figure out what was going on. Now, I don’t know about you, but in Southern Baptist East Central Oklahoma, I been preached at, and to, about how the age of miracles has done passed, and we are living in what they called, the Dispensation, and that was all she wrote. Reverend Billy Bob, over at his, True Gospel Church, says there are still miracles happening, but only he knows about it around our end of the state because he’s God’s right hand man. I always figured he said stuff like that so he can get more pussy.
Then, I thought about what just happened to me and I got confused. If it wasn’t a miracle, what just happened, then I was crazy as old Nutty Ed Jones who tried to get a blowjob from a bull and was gored half to death for his efforts.
“Sweetie Lamb,” she said, reaching over and gave me a squeeze, “You are not crazy as Nutty Ed Jones, who is gay and refuses to admit it even to himself. And, all that Dispensation stuff is a crock of shit.”
I winced as she used that unbecoming language again. She was just too pretty and innocent looking to talk like a drunken whore on army payday. It was just unseemly. But unseemly or not, with the entire rubbing she kept doing on the front of my pants, she had me about ready to explode in my underwear.
“Honey baby,” she said. “You really ought to get on the right side of the road. There’s a big old semi coming around the bend in the road up ahead and he'll just flatten you and your old pickup truck flatter than a pancake after a three hundred pound man sat on it and farted. You get my drift, sweetness?” She giggled and added, “besides we passed the turnoff to your place three miles back.”
“Well, shit,” I muttered under my breath and swerved over onto the right side of the road, just in time to miss a great big semi-truck loaded with non-fragrant hogs on the way to the slaughterhouse, owned by the vampire clan out west of Humper. I whipped a u-turn, as soon as there was a wide enough place in the road, and headed back to the county road where I was supposed to turn off in the first place. Ten minutes later, we were home.
“We better hurry inside so you can pay the first installment on that loan I made you back at the bank, lollipop boy,” she said.
“Installment? Loan?” I asked in total confusion.
“You really ought to lock your house up when you leave,” she said as she opened the front door and stepped through ahead of me.
“Why?” I asked. “What if one of my neighbors wants to borrow something when I’m not here? It would be real unfriendly to lock them out.”
“You're such a sweet soul,” she said and ran a finger down the front of my throat and down the middle of my chest. A wonderful thrill shot down my body and my hard on got even harder. The next thing I knew her clothes just plain old dropped off her body, like leaves falling off a tree at the end of summer.
She pointed a finger at me and I felt my belt squirm around on my waist and my pants came open by themselves, unzipped and dropped down around my ankles, without any help from me. My boxer shorts dropped down and my shirt opened itself up and wiggled its way off of me. “Raise your foot,” she said, and I did. As soon as my right foot went up my shoe worked itself loose and dropped to the floor.
“Raise your other foot,” she told me.
“I can’t,” I said. “I already got my right foot in the air.”
“Your blond hair is affecting your brain, sexy boy toy,” she said to me. “Put your right foot down and then put your left foot in the air.” She sighed and shook her head.
“Oh,” I answered and did as she said. The left shoe slipped off and my pants and shorts also, and I was as naked as she was.
“Come here, cupcake,” she growled deep in here throat. “We have some unfinished business that hasn’t even been started yet.”
I swear my feet just sort of slid across the floor and I was suddenly standing in front of her, my hard-as-a-hammer peter, pointing up at the ceiling. “Boop boop ee doo!” she squealed as she jumped up into the air. She threw her legs around my waist and eased herself down on my hard-on, taking it all in at once.
I tell you, she had a pussy like a velvet vice. It clamped down on me and squeezed. She rode it up and down and better than a trick rider at the rodeo. Her nice cupcake titties felt like they were burning holes in my chest. “Oh fuck!” I moaned.
“That’s exactly what we’re doing, lover boy,” she answered before I could apologize for using intemperate language in her presence. “Oh yes,” she purred. “Oh yes, yes, yes, so good.”
I don’t know how long we were coupled the way we were, me standing and working hard with all my might and she with her legs clamped around me, moving every which way at the same time. It felt like it would never end and I didn’t want it to, but it did. All at once it was over.
With no warning at all, I exploded inside her, in what felt like gallon sized gushes. I drew her tight against me and gave one last spurt and sighed. I went all at once limp. She slid right down my body until she was standing on the floor in front of me, with a real pleased expression on her face.
“Now that’s the best welcome I've had in eons,” she said and gave me an affectionate smack on the lips. “Tonight, when we go to bed, we’ll take our time and drain you dry."
“Jesus, lady, what did you just do? My balls are plumb empty.” I looked at her and wondered if I didn’t have a bull by the tail and didn’t dare let go.
“Don’t talk profane,” she said in a prim voice. Then she grabbed my cock and did her mind reading thing again. “Lover boy, this is not a bull’s tail, and when we’re enjoying the greatest pastime ever invented, the only thing I want you to let go of, is your inhibitions.
“Are you sure you’re an angel?" I asked and started to get dressed. “You sure don’t look like any angel I ever heard of. You don’t have wings, you screw like a mink and you use very un-angel like language. Besides, I never ever heard of an angel who went around with millions of dollars in her purse. And what’s more, you didn’t even nag me once about my sinful ways.”
“Well, my tasty lollipop, all you know about angelic beings is what the preachers told you. And the preachers are just plain old, full of shit.” I winced at her language as she continued. “That wing bit was a bunch of theatrics Michael pulled one time when he wanted to bed this cute little Bedouin chick some three thousand years ago. He got a dose of clap for his trouble. Boy was he pissed; even though being an angel he was able to cure himself right away.
“It was the whole embarrassing episode that got to him. Here she'd been going around acting holier than me, and all the time she was putting out for anything with a dick, including two camels who were not too happy when they caught the clap also.” She smiled to herself, obviously remembering the whole episode.
“Well, you sure don’t act like those angels in the bible.” I argued. "How do you explain that?” There, I figured I stumped her. Not even close.
“Which angels are you referring to, bunny boy? You mean the ones who came here to Earth from Headquarters and married those little Earthie bitches who were in heat all the time? Some of Adam and Eve’s grandkids got mixed up with a bunch of horny angels and spewed kids all over the landscape. In fact, I remember a couple of those sweet young Earthlings I had a fling from time to time."
“Lover boy, let’s face it. That’s one of the reasons I’m here right now. I just needed some good old fashioned down and dirty sex.”
“Damn it, you seem to like messing with my head. You sure do.” I had started to get down at the mouth about all this angel talk. It had me more confused than a pretty gay boy, showering with a bunch of horny women.
“Ah, ah, ah now, none of that negative stuff, tasty dick. We heavenly beings are very sensitive to human emotions. That’s why we like to have sex with you all so much. Your intense emotions give us highs we never get when we have sex with each other. We just don’t have the depth of emotions you Earth humans do.”
“One of these days, I’ll tell you about Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah. Now that was a real balls up if there ever was one.”
“I know I know you don’t have to tell me. Sodom was a nice town and all the people were lovely sensitive Democrats.” Okay, I was being a little sarcastic. But, I was a real religious man in my own way, even went to church if I was dating a real religious girl. And here this strange creature was blowing my mind all to pieces. My mind wasn’t all that got blown that night. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
She told me about Lot. How he pimped his daughters to the townies in Gomorrah, and since they and the Sodomites were mostly gay, the girls got turned down most of the time. Then, those small town, small-brained dudes wanted to dry fuck the two guy angels who came visiting. That was when the two angels got pissed when someone tried to do them against their wills. So they told Lot to get his family out of town.
As soon as they were a safe distance away the angels blew the hell out of the neighborhood. And that was all she wrote for one bunch of pushy people. After that bit of revelation, I never would have learned in Sunday school, I went out and did the chores, gathered the eggs and milked my twelve producing cows.
Now, here was the strange thing about all that. I got sixty gallons of milk out of twelve cows, and it was mostly cream. My three hundred laying hens gave me nine hundred eggs that evening. It didn’t take a genius, which I have never been accused of being, to figure out what was going on. It was Angel being nice to me. It was just too much for me to handle. I was getting real close to a mental melt down.
I hurried into the house after the milk was run through the separator and I had gathered all those eggs. Angel met me at the door, and my clothes fell off of me again. She was already naked, so when I looked at her I got hard again and she dropped to her knees and took me full in her mouth. You’ve heard of hum jobs where the gal takes the guy’s cock in her mouth and hums a song as she sucks? Angel went one better, way better.
I slid down her throat and she gave me a gargle job. Oh, let me tell you, until you've had your cock gargled by an angel, you don't know what great, super sex, a blowjob can be. When I went off with an explosion that rattled my teeth, I fell on my ass and landed on thick millionaire’s style carpet, that only seconds before, had been cheap shag rug. I didn’t notice it at the time though, because my mind and my glassy eyes were elsewhere. “I think I done died and gone to heaven,” I gasped.
“Boy toy,” she said with a smile, “what you're experiencing right now is Heaven on Earth. Life just won’t ever be any better for you than it is right now.”
Since I was sitting up straight, she pushed her pussy against my ear and I swear I could hear the angels sing in there. My nose followed her heavenly scent and my tongue followed. I lay back on that new thick pile rug that somehow covered my floors, and drew her down on top of me. That darling girl rode my mouth, moaning and groaning. I rubbed my face against her pussy, feeling so many intense emotions I felt like I was outside my own body. This went on a long time, right up until she let out a moaning “whoop!” and rolled off of me.
We lay there on the thick, plush carpet, she on top of me. My mind floated somewhere in a great big nothingness that had no beginning or end and just was. I was pulled back to the real world when she asked,” How do you like the new carpet?”
“What carpet?” I asked her. Right then carpet on the floor was the last thing I had on my mind. I just wanted to lie there on the floor and sort of drift along, not thinking, just feeling complete.
“Let’s take a shower and recharge your batteries, you studly man. It’s getting beddy by time,” she told me gently. I have been fucked to a frazzle.
Somehow I found the energy to hug her closer to me and gently kiss her on her beautiful lips. I just don’t know the words to describe what I was feeling, the total sense of completeness. It was like time had stopped and all the good in the world was touching me. I felt like I could have stayed that way forever. Instead, we got up and showered together.
Rather than acting silly and giddy, she was real gentle with me. We washed each other and hugged and kissed under the splashing water. I slowly went to my knees and parted he pussy lips with my tongue and began to massage her tiny little clit. I heard the singing and had the stray thought that this had to be the world’s only musical pussy. I wasn’t all that horny right then, I just wanted to please her. From the little whimpers and moans coming from her lips I knew I had done just that.
Finally we went to bed and once again I was in total ecstasy. When my poor overworked body finally rebelled, she rolled over and kissed me on the forehead. “You go to sleep now, lover man,” she told me, “we have a very busy day coming up tomorrow. Without answering her, I nestled up against her shapely body and went sound asleep. I don’t think I even dreamed once.
Early the next morning someone banged on the back door. “What the hell is that?” I mumbled, only half awake.
“I do believe our little friend Harold Loomis and his cousin the sheriff have come calling,” Angel declared.
I slipped my pants on and stumbled to the back door. “What the fuck do you want, Harold?” I asked.
“I want my money, you thieving son of a bitch,” he demanded through the screen door. His face was a bright red, his eyes were all squinty and glittering and his mouth kept twitching. I could tell he was in a world of hurt.
“I gave you your money yesterday. You were paid in full and I have a receipt to prove it. Now you get your scrawny ass on down the road. I’m serious as a heart attack when I tell you I am about three inches from beating the shit out of you if you don’t beat it.” I tried to close the door, but Harold stuck his foot in it.
“Yes you paid me and then you stole it back last night. You also tried to blackmail me with a phony picture. Now either you give me my money, or I’m going to have my cousin the sheriff arrest you and kill you in jail.”
I mean that old boy was fit to explode.
Angel was still naked when she came to the door and swung it wide open. Harold looked at her and almost swallowed his tongue. The sheriff looked at her and where Harold’s eyes squinted, his eyes got big and wide as he tried to see all of her at once. In a very un-angelic tone of voice she told Harold, “You slimy little cock sucker, I warned you what would happen if you didn’t get that farm equipment you stole from Rupert back here.”
“You!” Harold blurted. “You stole my money, and if I don’t get it back, I’ll steal this farm again, for the second time.” Suddenly his hand went to his mouth as he realized what he just admitted.
His cousin, the sheriff, said, “I don’t like the sounds of this. Just what in hell is going on here?” He looked at Angel and grinned a big hungry grin, sort of like a big wolf examining a pile of fresh steak. “Just give me the bare facts, ma’am.” He actually licked his lips and drooled down the front of his shirt.
Angel smiled and told the sheriff how his ass hole cousin had hired a couple of drunks to steal my two tractors and other farm equipment. She continued on about how he told the other bankers in the area that I had no way of paying back any loan. It seemed some friends of Harold wanted my land. And Harold, for a price of course, promised to get it for them.
“So Sheriff Snookums, I guess you could say your cousin is an ass hole, a slimy one at that.” She grinned a happy grin and told him, “As horny as you are right now, maybe you ought to run right down to the Buck Horn and ask that darling bar maid Linda to give you a little. She will if you say please.”
His mouth dropped open, “How, how…”
“Just go tell her how she makes you feel when you’re around her and she'll open right up for you, pun intended.” Angel turned around and went back into the house.
“You dirty rotten bastard, I want my money,” Harold screeched.
I punched him in the face and he flew backwards off the porch. He screeched and yelled a bunch of pretty insulting names at me. I started to go after him to really put some hurt in him when Angel pulled me back.
“Harold, shut up.” The sheriff told him. “I saw you fall after you stumbled over your own two feet. Get this man’s equipment back here and quit whining or I’ll arrest you.” The sheriff left, anxious to go see Linda at the Buck Horn, I figured
“If my equipment isn't back here by this afternoon, you're going to be even a sorrier son of a bitch than you already are.” I stared down at him and added, “If you cause me any more grief, I’m going to take your bank away from you. Then, what will you do?” I admit I was blowing smoke, but he took it seriously. Everything was returned and back where it belonged by the time Angel and I climbed into my old pickup truck and headed back toward Humper City. It was Saturday afternoon and I planned to go to the dance that evening.
Seeing as my money worries were out of the way, I figured it was time to concentrate on fun for a change. We left in plenty of time to reach Humper City. But when we passed the picnic grounds Angel caught me thinking about the time in high school I fucked Amy Samples on the riverbank at the edge of the picnic grounds. I figured since this was her first weekend with me she just wanted to make it right and proper when she said for me to pull in at the picnic grounds “Do me around the world,” she said.
“Where do you want me to start?” I asked her.
“We’ll go sixty-nine for starters. Then you scratch the itch in my pussy and lastly I want it hard and dry in my butt. Your cousin Opal said you were a stayer."
“She’s my second or third cousin mostly,” I argued, “and that’s street legal anywhere in this county.”
“Not to worry, boy chick, I wasn’t pointing a guilt finger at you. She’s so cute, I just might try to arrange a threesome.” She smiled her happy go lucky smile, “Just remember, good sex is about good people doing good things to other good people.”
“Huh?” I asked. Every time she opened her mouth, I either got a hard on, or confused. Right then, it was both.
“Don’t strain your little brain, boy toy. Just do me royally on the picnic table there.” Again her clothing just seemed to magically drop off her beautiful body and fold themselves neatly in a small pile.
And again, my clothes squirmed off me, and I picked up my feet one at a time so my shoes came off, and I was naked too. I sort of shrugged my naked shoulders and thought, 'What the hell?' She lay flat on her back on that picnic table; her legs were spread wide, one foot planted on a bench seat.
“Start at my knees and work up, love child, lick the insides of my thighs. That tongue of yours is, as the saying goes, heavenly.”
I did as she said and began licking the insides of her knees and slowly, slurp at a time, worked my way up toward her pouty pussy. Again, as I drew closer to her pussy, I thought I heard a heavenly choir. Suddenly, I knew I did. I really did hear a heavenly choir. The sounds came directly from her pussy. I paused and listened for a second to what the choir was singing.
A hundred women’s voices were singing, in perfect harmony, “Ah!” Then I heard deeper men’s voices sing, “Oh yes!” That was damned strange. Whoever heard of a singing pussy?
“Don’t listen to the music, get busy and do your duty.” She ordered.
Still shaken at the reality of a singing pussy, I collected my thoughts and commenced licking. I smelled orange blossoms when my nose touched the first silky hair of her neatly trimmed bush.
HaaaChooo!” I sneezed.
“Holy orgasms, Batman, do it again!” Her whole body trembled and her hairs tickled my nose as my lips touched her clit. I did it again. She vibrated all over. “Get up here and slam it to me, down and dirty!”
I slid my body upward until I slipped myself deep inside her. She reached behind me and grabbed the cheeks of my ass. She slammed me into her and I had the wildest ride of my life. She vibrated, and I hung on for dear life. Did you know guys could have multiple orgasms? I did. I had six of them, one right after the other.
Finally, all wore out, I rolled off her, moaned and fell off the picnic table, landing hard on the ground. “Oh fuck," I moaned.
“You just did, wunderkind, and a fine job of fucking it was.” She sat up on the table and looked down at me lying on the ground. “Why don’t you get up and get dressed. You look so silly and uncomfortable laying there on the ground all in a heap.”
“Oh Christ, I can’t,” I told her. “I’m all wore out.
“Don’t swear,” she told me primly. "It doesn’t become you. Get dressed. We have some shopping to do for your new house.”
Slowly, I climbed to my feet and staggered over to where my clothing was neatly piled. I reached for my boxers. They jumped away from me. I reached again and they jumped out of my reach. “Forget the undies,” she said. You don’t need them anyway.”
I grabbed my shirt, before it could get away from me, and slipped it on. I bent down for my jeans and they let me take them up and put them on. When I sat down and leaned over, to put my shoes and socks on, I was so weak and worn out, I had trouble tying them. I was truly 'fucked to a frazzle,' as the saying goes.
“Here, let me do that,” she said. All at once, my shoestrings jerked themselves out of my fingers and tied themselves. “Let’s go.” She hopped off the picnic table and was miraculously dressed again. I unsteadily started to walk toward the truck.
I reached to open the truck door to get in when she said, “Here, I’ll take over, you’re in no condition to drive.” I nodded and staggered around and got in on the passenger side.
I leaned back and closed my eyes. Right then I wasn’t too sure I could keep up such a heavy pace. My whole body seemed empty. It felt great to sit with my eyes closed. “Don’t get too comfortable there, my studly guy, we have some shopping to do for your new house.” I cocked an eye open and saw her smiling.
“What new house?” I asked warily.
“Why the one I just rewarded you with. We’ll pick up your new car when we get downtown.” She smiled a sweet, gentle smile, all full of love and good will. “Lover chop, you have invented a whole new sex act. You must be adequately rewarded for this wondrous deed. A new house and a car will be for starters. We’ll see what comes next.”
I tried to clear my head by shaking it. That did nothing. “Uh, what new sex act?” That feeling of everything being unreal was back again with a vengeance. “All I did was to—” I got no further.
“You sneezed me off. So far as I know, that's a whole new one.” Her smile became a big happy grin, “When you sneezed, that sudden blast of air inflated my womb. What a sensation that was. It was truly a heavenly orgasm. And when your lips sputtered on my clitoris, well, I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven all over again. Everybody will be so jealous of me when I get back home. A sneeze job is nothing to be sneezed at, pun intended.”
“Uh, well, okay.” She made me more confused every time she opened her mouth. My brain was worn to a frazzle right then. In fact, everything about me was frazzled out. I was just plain old, shot to hell.
We parked in front of the Chevy dealership. “Come on, stud muffin,” she said and hopped out of the car. Let’s go get your new convertible.”
My knees were still wobbly. She held the door open for me. I nodded my thanks and staggered toward the front door of the dealership. “Oh, I know what you need.” She touched her hand to my face. Suddenly, I was charged with new energy. All at once, I felt strong as a bull.
“How did you do that?” I felt like I could go plow a field and be my own tractor. “I feel great, how did you do that?”
“It’s called ‘Angel Power,’ honey bun.” She patted my ass in a real suggestive manner. All she had on her mind was sex, sex, and more sex. Hell, that was all right with me. I had a big interest in sex my own self. But it still just plain old seemed real un-angelic-like behavior to me.
She did that mind reading trick again. “Look, lollypop boy, do you think all we do is hang around Heaven all day and all night, whacking out tunes on harps, or singing in the Heavenly Choir? That shit would get boring real easy. That’s why sex was invented in the first place, to give normal beings an outlet for their nervous energy.”
“Huh?” She stumped me for sure just then. “Look, I been taught that sex was for procreation and nothing else.”
“Well you been taught wrong, my little hump stick. Whoever taught you that? Whoever it was, is as full of shit as a Christmas goose.”
“My mother taught me that,” I answered her, full of righteous indignation. “So you leave my mother out of this conversation. Mothers is holy in Oklahoma, even the old douche bags.”
“Didn’t your mother also say not to have sex until your honeymoon? You ever been married?” she had that smirk back on her face.
“Well, no, but that’s a different matter.” I had a feeling she was setting me up again and I was trying to figure out just where she was going with all this.
“What would you say if a preacher told you to wait for marriage before you got a piece?” She knew she had me there.
“I’d say he was full of shit,” I told her honestly.
“Well, if the preacher is full of shit for saying it, why isn’t—”
“Don’t say it!” I yelled at her, “Okay, sometimes mothers are full of shit. Are you happy now?”
“Hey, don’t you go yellin’ at this here little lady.” Some big stranger grabbed me by the shoulder. “And if you say something else against mothers here in Oklahoma, I’m gonna punch your lights out. Mothers is holy here in Oklahoma and don’t you forget it.”
I drew back, ready to smack the big asshole, when Angel stepped between us. She reached up and caressed his cheek. His squinty little pig eyes got big and round. His mouth opened, also round. But not a word came out. Suddenly he looked horrified down at the front of his Levis. I looked too and saw a big, dark, wet stain down there.
“That’s not pee staining your jeans, Dwight, you getter go home and change. You sure wasted a good charge that time.” She spoke so sweet to him it took me a couple of seconds to catch on. I even felt sorry for him as he turned around and ran off. The last I saw of him, he jumped in an old Chevy pickup truck and went smoking down the road. I thought that boy had to be real repressed to get his rocks off with just a pat on the cheek and nothing else.
“Don’t look down your nose at that poor fellow,” Angel told me. She smiled wickedly at me and caressed my cheek. For a bare second I thought I was going to shoot off, right then and there. “Angel power,” she said.
She took me by the hand and led me into the local dealership. “Hi,” she greeted the salesman at the door. Is Rupert Morgan’s new Blazer ready yet?”
“Yes ma’am, it certainly is. If you’ll come this way,” He bowed us into his office. Angel opened her bag of tricks and pulled out what looked to me like all the money she had taken back from Harold Loomis. She tossed it on the desk and I signed papers, while the salesman counted out the cash. Less than a half hour later, we left with the title to the first new vehicle I ever had in my life in my hip pocket. I grabbed her up and kissed her. Her lips automatically opened and we started necking right there on Main Street.
We went for a ride out to the edge of town and revisited the picnic table again. This time it was gentler and less frantic. I gently held her in my arms as we coupled slowly, gently. My heart was full of many new and unfamiliar feelings. I decided I was in love with an angel!
“Ah, ah, ah, none of that Rupe. Don’t go getting all mushy on me. Affairs are fine, sport fucking is great but marriage is out of the question. Chicky dick, whenever an angel marries an earth person it always ends in disaster.” She smiled sadly at me.
“You’ll get older and I never age. The first twenty years or so there is deep love. Then for the next twenty or so years you will have this great pride of ownership as people see the gorgeous, young looking creature on your arm and sharing your bed. Then that finally turns to resentment, which quickly becomes hate when you finally come to realize you are getting older and I haven’t aged one day. You come face to face with your own mortality and that’s all she wrote.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I told her. I decided I would enjoy the hell out of whatever time we had together and that would be that. “Let’s go get a hamburger then,” I told her. “All this exercise has made me work up an appetite.”
She pushed me off of her and miraculously got dressed while I had to do it the old fashioned way. “That’s my sex boytoy,” she laughed. “Let’s go.”
2 “The Devil You Say”
That evening we attended the box lunch and country-dance. Angel expressed keen disappointment when she found our version of “box lunches” weren't sexual events. But, she was a good sport about it and whammied up a nice little Kentucky fried box of goodies. I bid on her box and Harold Loomis bid against me. Suddenly, I felt a squirmy feeling in my right jeans pocket. I reached in and pulled out a big wad of cash.
“Well, Rupert,” I said to me, “I bet this means Angel the angel wants me to bid up her box.” I heard the heavenly choir go, “Ah!”
“How much do you bid for the rest of her?” Somebody yelled. Everybody laughed.
“A hundred dollars for her box,” I yelled and held up a hundred dollar bill.
“A hundred and one dollars," Harold yelled back.
“Two fucking hundred dollars!” I yelled. And Harold bid a dollar more. And so it went, all the way up to nine hundred dollars.
“That’s my money you stole from me when I stole your farm, so that money is morally and legally mine!” He ran across the dance floor and grabbed for the money in my hand. “And I out bid you and I want your whore.”
Now that was a little too much for the auctioneer, who finally decided he better end the bidding on Angel’s box before things got out of hand. So he yelled, “Sold to Rupe Morgan!”
I swaggered up and placed all ten of the hundred dollar bills in his hand. “It’s going for a good cause, so I’ll just make it a thousand dollars even. The high school football team can use this and a lot more.” There was dead silence in the dance hall as I led Angel over to one of the picnic tables set up for the lucky bidders to eat their victory lunches. We sat and she opened the box. That Heavenly male choir hummed, “Mm!” She handed me some strange looking white fluffy stuff. It looked almost like a fluff of cotton with a solid center.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Manna,” she answered.
“I thought ‘manna’ was how Mexicans said tomorrow.” I wondered what the stuff really was.
“Ma? is Spanish for tomorrow,” she said patiently. “Eat your food."
“Okay,” I said doubtfully. I wasn’t one to try too much foreign cooking. Fat back and beans and poke salad was fine for me. If I wanted something fancy, I get me some ham and okra. Then I took a taste. My mouth went to heaven all by its own self. Whatever that stuff was, it was good. “Holy cow!” I grinned, “ This is really good.” I reached for another one and got my knuckles cracked. It didn’t hurt, but it made me draw back.
“Don’t be such a red neck. Let a lady have a bite. This is a romantic food.” She delicately reached into the box and pulled out more of the stuff. She took a lady like nibble and pressed it to my lips and I took a bite. It had a different flavor, but was as good as the first bite.
Up to then I had been sitting across the table from her. I got up and sat right next to her. I was getting horny again. “Not now, silly lamb,” she chided me. Wait till we get home tonight after the dance. I have plans for you.”
“Just one question, when your plans for me are over will I be hurt, herniated, halt or lame? In fact, will I still be among the living?” Angel was giving me too much new at one time. I turned to watch Carl Fotheringill proudly escort Desire Mae and Beulah through the front door.
Angel saw where I was looking and said, “Now there’s a match made in heaven.” Heaven? I thought to myself. I remembered the previous dance where Beulah learned the fine art of eating pussy and the rest of the dancegoers got to watch a great sex show. Heaven, I thought to myself, I don’t think so.
“And you know what? They are they're both pregnant and will deliver in eight and a half months.” She looked at the happy threesome for a moment and said, “There.”
“There what?” I asked.
“I thought it would be kind of cute if they both delivered twins at the same time.” She smiled at me and said, “Angel power.”
“Oh,” I answered. I was fast running out of smart mouthed comebacks. Let me tell you, the great sexual side benefits aside, hanging out with an angel gets hard on the nerves.
We had our box lunch and chatted with other couples when suddenly right at the stroke of midnight all the doors in the Humper County Community Center were blasted off their hinges, even the cupboard doors in the kitchen went flying to the floor. When the bathroom door fell away from its hinges Clementine Stanley was trying to pull her slacks up over her two hundred fifty pound ass. She grinned all embarrassed like and struggled all the harder. Willard Flagler Took one look at all that divine pork. Let out a whoop and ran to her rescue. He whispered something in her ear and she stopped struggling. Willard expertly worked the stretched to the limit stretch pants up over her ass and proudly escorted her to his table.
Suddenly every window in the building exploded inward, showering everybody with fine bits of glass. The stench of all the worst, sourest and most rancid farts ever let out by human behinds permeated the whole room. “Smells like someone shit his pants,” I told Angel.
“Uh oh, I don’t like the looks of this,” Angel murmured. “Be careful and get ready to duck, my little animated dildo. That smell ain’t shit, it’s brimstone.” She waved her hands in the air and all the broken glass came together in the middle of the dance floor in a neat pile, just waiting for someone to sweep it up and toss it in a trashcan.
“Master!” Harold Loomis shouted and bowed down facing the door. A big, tall individual wearing a pimp suit, complete with a broad brimmed mink hat came strutting in. He looked around the room and sneered.
“Sit quietly here at the table, no matter what happens.” Angel ordered. I sat and decided it was time to be as quiet and inconspicuous as I could.
The stranger looked around at the people in the community center. He sneered and looked down at Harold Loomis. “Get up you slimy fawning asshole. You are not worthy to grovel in my presence.”
“Yes Master,” Harold answered him and hurriedly got to his feet.
“Hey, shit for brains,” Angel called across the dance floor at the intruder. “You know it against the rules for you to start a coven and personally preside over it. You wanna spend another ten thousand years in chains?” There was an aura formed around Angel, a soft, golden glow that illuminated the room with its light. That glow seemed to seep into every part of my very being and heal hurts and aches I never knew I had before then.
“Well, if it isn’t the Doctor Ruth of the Celestial kingdom.” The stranger stared across the room at her with a world of hatred in his eyes. His face had a goat like appearance. His thick lips were not sensuous in any way. They looked, self indulgent, cruel and misshapen. There was an evil power about him. He seemed to almost glow with a black, unearthly flame. I was scared just looking at him.
“Master, make her turn that golden light off, please. It hurts me.” Harold Loomis looked like he was in a world of hurt, standing there twitching every which way.
“Shut up and suffer, you nasty little slime. You might as well get used to it, you’re going to spend an eternity feeling much worse.”
“But master, I followed the directions in ‘The Devil’s Own Handbook’ on how to sell my soul to you.” I almost felt sorry for the little bastard.
“You didn’t tell me you were a banker,” the Devil sneered. “I don’t have to buy a banker’s soul. It’s already mine, along with judges and politicians and most preachers. You tried to cheat me.”
“Harold didn’t answer. He bowed his head and slowly twitched his way outside. I heard him scream back inside at me once he was out of Angel’s light, “This is all your fault, Rupert Morgan! If you had let me cheat you fair and square none of this would have happened. I hate the Hell out of you.”
“Aren’t you glad you’re a good guy, my darling nibble buddy?” Angel smiled at me and squeezed my shoulder.
Suddenly twin shafts of black flame shot from the Devil’s outstretched hand. Both were aimed at Angel. Then at the last split second one veered toward me. Somehow Angel blocked them both and sent them back at the Devil. She began singing, “Return to sender,” an old country western song.
“You dirty bitch!” the Devil shouted. “That should have fried your present eunuch who tries to be a man to a black crisp. You’re getting help from someone else. That’s not fair either.”
The male heavenly choir filled the community center’s main hall with a few bars of “Oh yes, hmmm!” Then the female angelic chorus sounded with, “Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!” I looked around to see where the sounds were coming from. I couldn’t see anything.
“You cheated so I counter cheated. The Boss said it was quite permissible to counter cheat on you. We just can’t do it first so___” Her voice faded and all at once there were what seemed like millions of bolts of golden lightening zapping the Devil. Out in the parking lot I heard an explosion and a scream.
“You blew up my Humper County Helper!” the Devil shouted and tried to counter attack. It was all over in seconds and the Devil shouted, “Curses!” and disappeared.
“He’s such a jerk,” Angel said to me. I guess that’s why he’s the Devil, he can’t get anything right.”
“Uh, you mean there really is a Satan?” I asked her. This was real mind-boggling information. For some reason I never really thought there was a real Hell presided over by a real Devil. “Well, shit!” I exclaimed.
“That’s what he does best, misdirects people.” She waved a hand and the broken bits of glass quickly rose into the air and floated towards the various empty windows. Within seconds the glass had all reformed itself in each window so that all the panes were replaced. There was one difference though, now they were all now clean.
Everybody looked at each other and back at Angel. One lone soul started to clap and then another until the hall was filled with the sounds of clapping hands and cheers.
“Come on, Rupert baby, we have time for on last goodbye fuck and I want to make it a doozy. She took me by the hand and pulled me out to the new Blazer with the custom convertible top and fancy roll bars.
“You drive,” I said, “Right now my mind is so totally blown I don’t think I could drive us anywhere.” I got in on the passenger side and sat. Angel got in behind the wheel and started the engine. We drove off quickly as the band started to play another slow dance. One thing about the small farm towns in Oklahoma, nothing will interfere for very long with a Saturday night dance. Well, sex has been known to divert our attention for a little bit, but that’s more in the lines of incorporation than interference.
When the Blazer pulled up in my driveway a series of outside floodlights came on. There was a circular drive with a bug fishpond in the center. A big, beautiful statue of a naked winged angel stood in the middle holding a stone hose that looked suspiciously like a prick. The house with the port au chez extending out over the drive looked humongous.
“What…?” I couldn’t get any further. I was speechless.
“Well, aren’t you going to carry a naked girl over the threshold?” she asked.
I turned and looked. She was completely naked. “Oh. Of course,” I swept her up in my arms and carried her across the threshold. As we entered I heard that heavenly choir of angels sing in perfect unison, “Oh yeah.”
I carefully placed her on the floor and started to undress. All my clothes fell off of me. Suddenly I was suspended in the air and my shoes both came off at the same time. Angel slowly came over to me and bent over and took me in her mouth. “Hot damn!” the male choir sang. Then I got busy and ignored all those lecherous angels who were watching.
After a few minutes of sucking, she took my hand and drew me to the floor. “Rupert, baby, this is our farewell fuck and we are going to do it up in high style. Come to Mama.” Of course we started off going sixty-nine. The feeling was literally “out of this world.” Each slow up and down motion on my peter created a long drawn out cycle of passion. I was aware of her lips as they surrounded and engulfed me. Her tongue seemed to vibrate and flutter, sending spasms of thrills through out my whole body. I was aware of each and every sensation I felt as her teeth gently nibbled and gnawed.
My mind was incapable of thought. I could only experience feelings and emotions of the most primitive kind. I also experienced a deep, passionate love like I had never felt before in my life. Slowly we changed around and she whispered insistently in my ear,
“Fuck me hard, fuck me long, and fuck me deep!” I did my best to oblige.
As the last spasm of the last orgasm subsided, she rolled over and said, “Take me in my ass. Now!” I still thought this was unseemly speech for an angel. But another part of me said, “Shut up and fuck!” That is exactly what I did. The last one was world class. I finished it off and passed out still in her.
I awoke the next morning and she was gone. There was no sign anywhere she had ever been there. The carpet on the floor was still some of a thick pile woven material. I walked outside and saw my new Custom Blazer convertible. The fishpond was still in the center of the new circular drive. The naked winged angel was still in the center holding a stone hose that still liked like a hard penis. I looked down into the water and saw, naturally, angelfish. I looked up at the statue and smiled. It bore a striking resemblance to either Betty Boop or Angel. Then the statue winked at me and smiled and I knew.
I was standing there naked when I heard a car pull up in the drive behind me. I turned around and saw a very pretty woman about my own age. She looked so wholesome I was surprised she didn’t back out and take off when she saw me standing there with nothing on.
“Hi,” she said, “I’m looking for the town of Humper. Can you tell me where it is?” She stared at my slowly hardening cock and smiled. “Is it house broken?” she asked.
“Come on in the house and I’ll get you a map and show you where you went wrong.” I turned back toward the front porch.
“I think I started to go wrong when I pulled into your driveway.” She laughed and I heard the car door slam shut as she got out and followed me into the house. The male angelic choir sang “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” Those peeping toms were still around watching.
“What was that?” she asked as she heard the voices.
“It’s the acoustics in this place. It’s a new house.” I turned and kissed her.
Three hours later I led her out of the house and handed her into my Blazer. I got the top to roll back and drove her into Humper. She was the new schoolteacher and my new roommate as well. “Way to go!” the statue called softly to me.
“What was that” Did you hear a voice?” Melinda Coy asked. She looked around and saw nothing.
“Oh, you’ll get used to it,” I reassured her. “This place has some special qualities.” I stopped at the picnic grounds and showed her the interesting spots down by the riverbank. She was very interested in riverbanks, it seemed.
I figured if I had sneezed a third time in her pussy, Angel would have probably taken me back to Heaven with her.