hey guys, its me again. yea i know its been a few days lol sorry for that. and im sorry for all the spelling mistakes, obviously i am a teenager and we rarely type correctly. this is the first night im actually sober, i havent been since the night before new years eve. alot of shits been going down in my family and my laptop got a virus (dont download antispywear lol). the reason ive been drinking, which isnt uncommon in a small town, is because of my sister. we use to be like really close and then this summer we started to drift apart. drugs and alchol consumed all that she was and she became everything she swore she'd never be. and as for me, i swore id never drink, but my anti depressants weren't working to well. when you get as depressed as me, which isnt uncommon when your a teenager, but yeah. my best friends been out of town for the holliday or whatever so i havent had anyone to talk to, and since i take prozac, if i dont talk to someone about my feelings i get really really depressed. which is called the "black box effect" as my psychiatrist says.but anyways, ive noticed changing inside myself. my friend Drew, my "friend with benifits", tells me all the time how beautiful i am and how great of a person i am (if you want a pcture of me just ask and ill send you one). when i look in the mirror now, i dont see my flaws. i see minor flaws, but mainly i see how beautiful i truly am. my ex has been texting me all the time lately, he asked if i wanted to be friends iwht benifits and i was like, "why? so you can have the benifits of being with me without being attached? so when you fuck other girls it wont be considered cheating, but will still give me the same pain? no thanks". i was so proud of myself! i never thought he'd be begging me for forgivness, its like that Taylor Swfit song You Shoulda Said No. shes like "you shouldnt be beggin for forgivness at my feet, you shoulda said no baby and you might still have me". haha. i was raised to hate myself, my dad had instilled on my mind that i was nothing going no where. for all of you who are parents, dont abuse your kids. after i had grown accostomed to being physically abused and became so good at lying and hiding my bruises, cuts, and burns, my dad realized it didnt hurt me anymore. so he hurt me where he knew i was the most vulnerable, my head. my dads really hard headed and stubborn, coneited is actually a better word for it lol. but me? im sensitve and soft headed. i apologize for everything in life regardless of whether or not its my fault because i was raised to believe that everything bad that happens is my fault. but then i came to a point of understanding, i was apologizing for my mistakes, i was apologizing for everyone elses. my new years resolution is to stand up for myself more.
But in case your wondering about me being raped and all, its true. they say eyes are the windows to the soul, and im told i have quite large and beautiful eyes. yet no one can see my soul, perhaps i dont have one, i dont know. if my eyes are so big and expressive, people should see the real me, lying in the corner curled up in a ball crying, reaching out for help. but instead they see the fake smile, and refuse to try and look beyond it. when i was 11, i was looking at porn for the first time. my dads friends son Daniel walked in, he was 13 which is around the age guys start getting horny lol.
"whats that?" he asked
"nothing!" i said, quickly trying to close the screen but, as usual, the computer frooze.
the rest of the story should be pretty much self explanitory. i was 4' 6" tall and only weighed 58 pounds. he was around 5' 4" and weighed probably 90-100 pounds. nothing has scared me as much as being raped, not once, but three times. to this very day, the girl i call my other half, doesnt know i was raped. to me i feel ashamed. ive told guy friends and my psychiatrist and shit but to tell other girls i feel ashamed. like i couldnt have stopped him or anything. i feel week and worthless.
guys call me gorgeous and cute, and say i have a wonderful body, so it might suprise you to hear that i dont really get much boyfriends. word aroudn the school is i am prude, but no one knows the truth behind those words. the word is a lie, but there is truth hidden inside it. sometimes i just wihs i could reach out to someone, and get a real responce, not the sterotypical one of "omg im soooo sorry". but since having sex iwth my friend with benifits, i have lost my fear. and now that guys see that i have been showing a lil more skin and flirting more, they are most attracted. imagine if i told guys how much i watch porn lol. i watch porn alot because its a different feeling. its not one of pain or joy. its like the common ground between them. like in the movie High Fidelity where she wants the fuck the guy so she can feel something other than pain. and i like having sex. it does feel good and to hear a man moan makes me happy because for once i feel like ive done something right.(: