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I was woken by the light coming threw my window, Faye’s warm body was curled up into mine under the quilt, it felt nice to lie there and doze. My bladder forced me to move, slipping my arm from under her head trying not to wake her. I let out a hiss as my body protested about moving, I was damaged. The last full scale fights of the summer had ended 2 weeks ago and the winter war was now in full swing, raids got bigger and made up of harder lads. My new corner must have looked like easy pickings, they came at us heavy, but we were strong. We had driven off a half dozen raids, my body was a mess but we were still here.

Last night had been a celebration, my crew was passed out in my living room. It was rare for me to have people over, the gang did party not crews. I was working on making us separate from the rest of the gang, better, above them, because I had made sure that we where. I started to wake them and turn them out, battered and hung-over they all made a good show of looking fine. Tank was scared shitless that his Gran was going to tan his hide for being out all night. I had to touch Lexi’s arm to wake her, she jumped out of her skin and looked at me as if I had hit her, I was very careful then. I had seen what Lexi could do over the last few weeks and any idea that a girl couldn’t hang with a corner crew had gone, you really didn’t want to get on the stunner’s bad side.

As I sent the last of them on their way I was smiling, they where a good crew, I couldn’t ask for a better one. Life was good I had more money than I knew what to do with, loyal friend, the strongest crew in the gang and a girl that loved me. With that thought I went to wake her up. I spent a long time stood at the door watching her sleep, she looked so young when she was asleep. Hell she was so young, I was so young but I don’t remember feeling that way. I wanted to just stand and watch her all day, I wanted to leave her sleeping but I was late Saturday morning and hung-over or not in about an hour the corner would start up again, there were always addicts that needed feeding.

I leaned down and kiss her sleeping lips, fairy tales be damned it is a very ineffective way of waking a sleeping woman, all I got was a tiny moan and a faint smile. I am not saying that it wasn’t cute and sexy but it wasn’t what I had been aiming for. I tried stealing the blankets but all that got was a breath fight, a sulky face, and me standing over a naked, sleeping girl. She really was out cold. I got onto the bed to try and shake her awake but as I was climbing on she decide to roll over catching my arms. I ended up with her on top of me, I could feel her soft giving flesh pressed against my own, this looked very bad. She picked the moment that thought passed through my head to open her sparkling eyes and look down at me.

There was the brief moment of awkward tension as I wondered what she would think I was doing to her but one look at the abject panic on my face sent her into fits of laughter.

“If you wanted to feel my up all you had to do was ask ar’Rave” she giggled once she had calmed down. She moved up my body to kiss me softly on the lips, it was totally innocent that kiss but spoke of so much more. I rolled her onto her back.

“Can I feel you up ar’Faye, please?” I asked in the most innocent voice I had. I kissed her again letting our tongue play with each other. I hands moved over her body with practised ease, moving along the familiar curves. Faye’s hands went to work on my clothes, pulling my T-shirt up until my I was force to break the kiss so she could pull it over my head, the second it was passed we went back too kissing. She pushed down my pants letting my hard-on spring free. I moved one of my hands down to play with her to make sure she was ready for me.

I traced my fingers gently around her slit getting moans from her lips, soon she was wet enough for sex. I penetrated her slowly, it took a few thrust to sink myself fully into her, she could have done with some more prep work but I was too horny to hold back. I kept my thrust short keeping as deep into her as possible, my thumb found her clit, making small circular movements on top of it, as my other hand roamed her back. She hand where on my back, her fingers claws digging her nails into my skin.

It got faster real quick, this was just a bit of morning fun, there was no need to make it special. I was thrusting harder into her, grunting with each down stroke, her hips moving up to meet me, her small moans coming in time with my grunts. I was getting close, so I increased the speed of the movement the pressure of my thumb, soon the circle movement where forgotten and all I was doing was moving my hand side to side across her clit at speed. Our bodies where in sink now, pushing each other in just the right ways as we got closer and closer to climax.

Her breath came in ragged gasps, hot air blown into my ear, I think my own had stop all together as we began to peak. Our orgasms hit at the same time, our bodies pull tightly together by our contracting muscles, our animal screams of pleasure coming together in to part harmony, her cunt contracted milking the cum out of my spurting cock as it jump inside her. I lay there, holding her tightly as my cock when limp inside her, her throat purring contentedly. I rolled off her after what seemed like an age.

“Want to go for round two?” I ask my voice heavy.

“No I have got to go see my mother” Faye replied “I haven’t seen her in almost a week.”

“Like she cares? She is a junky they don’t give a fuck about anything” it was harsh but no less true.

“I care! And anyway you are going to have to go open up soon” She said over her shoulder as she headed for the bathroom, you could see my cum dripping down the inside of her legs. I lay there on the sweet soaked sheet as she showered smiling to myself, I really didn’t know what I had done to get a girl like her. She came back in and I watched her get dry, her hair was wet and water glistened on her pale skin, bits of her jiggled in a pleasant manner as she moved the towel, I sat up and watched the show. I watch as she worried about what to wear, it was strange she would throw on pretty much anything to go out but she was so carful in what she wore to go next door to see her mother. As said her mother was a junky and really didn’t care for anything but her next fix.

She put no makeup, with the money I was pulling in she had lots now, all dressed up with a face on she looked much older than her age. I stood before she left and kissed her, I really don’t get why they make lipstick taste that way, and went to take a shower. I gave a sharp intake of breath as the cold water hit my skin, I really didn’t mind anymore it was one of the problems with living with a girl. You get good at getting clean as fast as possible. I was half way through I heard the screams coming through the walls. Faye was screaming, over and over.

I don’t remember the mad dash, the next thing I remember was standing naked and dripping wet in Faye mother’s flat next door. I had taken the door off its hinges to get in. Faye was standing in the middle of the living room screaming looking at something laying on the floor.

OD happen all the time, they don’t make the papers, they don’t get looked at, they just happen and no one notices. I had seen my first OD, my first dead body, at age 7. Mike had found him in a squat, we had pushed each other, egg each other on, poked and kicked the body, in the end Mike being Mike had gone through his pockets. It had taken a while but sooner or later you just got used to it. Faye had never seen a body, had never seen an OD. You first shouldn’t be someone you care about, it shouldn’t be your mother.

Faye’s mother lay there naked, cold and very dead. Skin ghost white, ribs painfully visible, track marks running up both arms, hair greasy and matted the body really was a sorry sight. I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy to find their mother that way. I pulled Faye away and into me, wrapping my arms around her as she sobbed into my bare chest. I held her for a long time that way as I slowly dried. I had no idea how long the body had been there, it really didn’t look fresh, but it is hard to tell with an OD.

I had no idea what to do, I didn’t get rid of bodies, I helped make them, I never had to deal with the aftermath. At that point there was no reason to worry about calling the police, it was an OD, and they wouldn’t care. I knew the drugs weren’t from my corner, Faye would have left me if she had found me doing so and she was one of the few things that mattered to me, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t come from a Dead Head corner. The drugs in the house would have gang prints all over them and back then no one was worried, if the police had tried they could arrest half the tellers and runner on the estate with just what was in that room but they didn’t care. It took me more than an hour to even think about calling the police.

While the police were hated there was an understanding that they did have their uses as long as they stayed well away from the gangs. So there were a handful of pig that could walk the estate, they had walked the beat for years, they knew not to ask question, they knew not to see things, they knew not to make trouble. The one that came to deal in with Faye mother was called Harris, he had been on the estate in my dad’s time, and at least he tried to be nice about it. It was one of the few times I talk to the police without the words no comment being used.

The dog and pony show went on and the body was taken away, Faye held onto my arm the whole time. I knew it was coming, he knew it was coming but he tried to stretch it out for as long as possible, he did want to upset the violent thug in the room.

“You know I am going to have to call the Social, don’t you Rave?” He said. There it was, the real bad news of the day.

“Faye stays with me. I know you have to do it, I know, but you can try and take her” I said “Anyway they won’t make trouble until they have found her a place right.”

That was the real problem, while social services were more than happy to not notice a girl living with a loving boyfriend as her waster, neglectful, junky mother was killing herself slowly next door take the bad mother out of the equation and suddenly you had a problem. No one would have complained about it, no one would have cared but they had rules to follow.

They couldn’t put her with her father, even if he wasn’t in prison not even the Social would put a female in that man’s care. Her grandparents on both sides were long dead, life expectancy was low on the estate, so she couldn’t be put with them. It took them 3 day to find an aunt, on her father side, who had ran away from the estate when she was 16, and I guess it was lucky. I had had 3 days to think on it, if they had come for her on the first day people would have got hurt, if they had tried to put her in foster care I would have fought them all the way, but they didn’t.

They found a nice woman who was a blood relation who would take her in. She had married well, a nice middleclass man who was a bit wet, they lived down south in a house in the suburbs on streets with no crime. No crime, no violence, no gangs, no drugs it was a world I could barely imagine. They had a daughter of their own who was our age and a son a few years younger. They where what you think of when you think of a perfect family, they where good people and they where more than willing to take her in. This was lucky.

I had time to think it over, time to think about it, and I made up my mind the day they came for her was going to be fucking hard. As the white car pulled up with her aunt and uncle inside I sat on a wall with Faye and watched. They were followed by a woman in a suit from the Social who I had already had a half dozen tense conversation with, she had no idea how to deal with me I was a minor but I was so clearly in control. She had taken to just acting like I was my dad.

“Are you Faye?” the small red hair woman with a family resemblance asked. With that Faye was up and running, into the block, before the others could move I was after her.

“Give me 10 minutes” I shouted over my shoulder “I will talk to her.”

She was curled up in the middle of our bed, knees pulled up to her chest. “I not going Rave, they can’t make me go, they can’t make me leave you” she said in a little voice. I sat down on the bed heavily next to her.

“They can, they will and they should” I said, resting my head in my hands.

“What?” she said sharply, bringing her head up quickly.

“Don’t you get it this is your way out of here” I explained “you can go somewhere and be normal, a real person, how can you not get it?”

“Don’t you want me here anymore, don’t you love me?” I had been running this through my head for days and knew all the arguments

“Of course I love you, that’s all I still know for sure, but how could I say I love you and keep you here. This place is hell, when was the last time we talked about the future without it starting with ‘when we get out of here’, I can’t keep you here because it makes me feel better, how could I do that to you and still say I love you?”

“But... but you are saving up. We were going to get out together, just you and me” she said moving up to wrap her arms around me.

“Aye right, that is what I keep telling myself, it is the only thing that keeps me moving but we both know that it is bollocks girl. When I have saved up enough, when we can, we will run off and live happily ever after. How much of me will be left by then, really in 2/3 years time, how much of me will want to leave. Every day I leave a little bit more of myself on the corner, every day I become a bit worse, you know, you see it, it is all a fight for control now, what if I hurt you again, what if I can’t stop myself, what will I be when we are ready to run away together.

“And what happens after, really tell me, I am a fucking drugs dealer Faye. How will I make money, what skills will I have, all I know is how to hurt people. What kind of life can I give you. We both know there are only 4 ways out of this live I am living. As an addict, as a corpse, as a convict or as some sad little man like my da just trying to make ends meet to keep his ingrate son off the streets. I can’t give you anything other than that, you know this. The only other way out is a miracle. Your miracle just pulled up outside and they will take you away from here and give you a real chance. You could be happy.” My voice was breaking with emotion by now, I could feel the tears running freely down her cheeks now. I had won, she would go.

“We could wait, wait for a miracle that will take us both out of here, it could happen” she whispered.

“Miracles don’t come in twos you know, they don’t happen again, you only get one” I said “I need you to grab this one with both hand, I need you to go a live a normal life, I NEED YOU TO. One of us has to, just so I know that one of us can, one of us needs to live. I love you too much for you to stay here.”

“And what happens to you?”

“Haven’t you heard, I am saving up and when I have enough money I will get out of this place” I said with a little laugh “until then I will work the corner and wait for a miracle.”

“I do love you Rave”

“I know” I said standing and holding out my hand “let’s go meet your new family”

It was slow, I have never seen Faye that shy, she look so young, so innocent as she stumbled through the introduction with her new family. I sat in the living room in a hard silence with her uncle and the woman from the Social as Faye went off with her aunt to pack. She really didn’t have that much stuff, no one on the estate did, it didn’t take long, I helped carry the boxes down to the car. I forced a smile onto my face anytime I met Faye’s eyes, it may have been the right thing to do, it may have been the only real chance she had then, but it didn’t make me feel any better about losing her. Every part of me wanted to scream that I was wrong, that she should stay with me, and that our love would see us through. But the bitter voice of the monster laughed at the back of my skull, the part of me that understood who I was, it love her just as much as the rest of me and it wouldn’t see me drag her down with me. I had to let her go and all my will went into making sure I did.

If life was a movie there would have been a kiss good bye, a passionate, long, deep, world ending kiss that said all the things we couldn’t put into words. But life a movie, all I did is hugged her tight into me, whispering again and again that I loved her and it was for the best and she sobbed quietly into my chest. Her aunt pulled her away and led my weeping love to the car.

I grabbed her uncle for a quick word. I pressed a thick paper envelope into his hand, he looked at me shocked.

“What is this?” he asked

“7 and a bit grand” I said monotone “I know raising a kid can be expensive, it is to look after her with.”

“I... I can’t take this”

“Then give it to her, put it in a trust, stick it under you bed until she turns 16. It is hers” my voice slow rose in pitch.

“But it is yours”

“No it isn’t, it was always for her, it was always hers, we were going to run away together with that, what is the point in having it if I don’t have her to run away with” I sound very young now “It doesn’t come from a good place, nothing I have comes from a good place, but you can use it for good, use it for her because she matters to me, she is all the ever really has.”

He looked at the envelope, his lips moving silently as if trying to work out the argument in his head. At least he looked up at me “You are a good man Rave.”

“No... I am really not, I am a very bad man.” I said, fighting not to cry, not to show weakness “Everything that is good in me is about to drive away with you in the back of your car, and if I am very luck and there is a kind god I will never see her again. You look after her because if you don’t you will meet everything that is bad in me.” My whole body was trembling with emotion by now. He turned and walk back to his car.

I watch as my first real love drove away, my soul breaking inside, forcing myself to be calm. As the car turn at the end of the street I walked the other way. My steps getting faster and faster until I was running, I bounced up the first wall I came to like it was nothing, getting high as quickly as I could. I reached the roof top and kept going, kept moving fast, jumping anything that got in my way. I skidded to a stop on a roof top overlooking the park and only then because there was nowhere to jump too. I stood there for a long minute, panting.

Then I let out one long, animalistic scream of rage and lose. It echoed off the concrete walls around me, bird took to the wing all over, as the scream went on and on. When I was done my hands where balled into fist, my eyes squeezed closed, ever muscle in my body was tensed. I took a long deep breath and then did what every gang member on the estate did when they were in an emotional black spot. I went to find someone to hurt.


2010-07-22 23:02:12
this is one of the saddest and most heart felt story i ever read

Anonymous readerReport

2009-10-27 05:09:40
This one must of been hard to relive while you were writing it.

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