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My first.

I didn’t know the man I had attacked, he was just some junky walking down the wrong street at the wrong time when I hit ground level. He didn’t even try and fight back, he was too used to being beaten, I am pretty sure he would have tried if I had gone through his pockets for his drugs. I really hated these smack heads by now, I left them alone most of the time, but I hated them and I took it out on one. I have to say that it did make me feel better but I was still in a very black mood by the time I made it back home. The sun had set and my dad’s car was parked up outside.

I had to walk passed Faye’s old flat to get to ours, the council had been around to board up the door but other than that it was untouched. Normally the council would ever find a new tenant, which was getting harder and harder on the estate, or it would become a squat. I gave a bitter laugh at the thought it was unlikely that it would become a squat, I don’t care how desperate the person, addict or otherwise, they would not want to live next door to an animal like me.

I walked through the door and sat down on the couch, staring at the blank TV, tried not to cry because it was weak. It gets me a bit even now to think that I was so scared about showing any weakness even in my own home. My dad walked in a sat next to me.

“She is gone then” he said

“Aye, they came and took her earlier da” I said

“How you doing ar’kid”

“I am better than I thought I would be da, it was the right thing to do, I don’t get to do the right thing very often.” I said “You loved my mother didn’t you da?”


“I mean I always thought you just didn’t care enough to try and stop her going, you did care to go after her, you just let her go. But you did care, you cared a lot didn’t you. You let her go because you loved her, you knew the life you where on, you knew this place and you let her go find something better. And you stayed here to look after me, you gave it all up and took a shit job to look after me.” I took a long slow breath “I am not sure I ever thanked you for that but if you ever get the chance to get out of here again you run as fast as you can old man”

“Aye, you to ar’kid” he said “now which one of us is going to cook tea?”

That night was hard, I had been sleeping in the same bed as Faye for more than a year, it wasn’t the sex I missed or even the feel of her body next to mine, it was the sound of her slow steady breathing when I woke up and to put it simply I was cold without her next to me. I miss her a lot, and I kept being drawn back to her each time I noticed something that she did around the flat that wasn’t being done, she had just slowly taken up more and more of the house work and now it wasn’t being done. And I missed her cooking, I still do, I could cook now but it was not hers. She was part of me and she was gone and I missed her so much.

I could have slipped back into the black, self-destructive, depression of earlier that year but I didn’t, I don’t know why it just didn’t come back I think I had fallen too far for that then. If the world had been better I would have move quickly from Faye leaving to going out properly with Amy, I love Amy too if differently, but that was not to be. Tazz needed the cover of a girlfriend more than I needed to step out with her and even if I had been willing to it would have meant admitting that I was stronger than him, putting me up in rank, which I didn’t want. I still fooled around with Amy but less often without Faye pushing it and even so it wasn’t the same, we didn’t spend the night together. I would soon need to put myself out there or Eddy would start passing rumours against me.

Even as heartbroken as I was the gang life didn’t stop and the next afternoon I was back working my corner. My crew was dependent on me, I couldn’t stop, never mind the fact that fast Eddy was watching for a sign of weakness he could move against me with. It wasn’t just that he disliked me, he was locked in a power struggle with Mark now, and my corner was a valuable playing piece in their game. My loyalty to Bob, to Mark, kept me working and kept the depression away.

I blame most of the shift in my personality then on the loss of Faye but truth be told there was another massive event in my young life that had a much greater effect on who I was then I like to admit. It happened about two weeks after Faye left, I really don’t remember the day that well and I don’t blame myself for that, it was a big day. It was the day I got my first kill.

I killed seven people in my childhood, I have seven bodies on my soul, seven, I am not going to tell you I don’t regret some of them. I regret the ones I was paid for, most of them where not for good reasons, the ones I wasn’t I don’t regret so much, they all deserved it. It was the world I lived in, it was who I was and to be blunt they were all scum and the world was no worse without them in it. But my first, well you never forget you first now do you.

It was cold enough to freeze hell but that didn’t stop business on the corner, a smack head needs his fix no matter how cold it is, I had just got a new coat. It was a long, black great coat and really looked the part of a thug but it was completely ineffective at keeping the wearer warm. But I found wearing a hoodie underneath it made me look better and helped keep me warm.

I was quietly cursing PayDay for taking the afternoon off, he had other things to do, but still it could be him freezing his nadds off not me. That was one of the things I was growing to like about being a crew chief, when it was raining I didn’t have to work the corner, I only had to really show up at closing time and make sure my people where doing their jobs. I still stood my time more often than not because it was good for moral but the point was I didn’t have too.

Still PayDay not being there caused some problems when Cain came around the corner in a car with Bob, Disco and Littler. “We got work, come on!” he yelled at me.

Now Aaron was the next highest ranking member of the gang and the corner should fall to him but he really didn’t have the brains to walk and talk at the same time let alone run a corner. Joel had the brains to run the corner, I was using him to keep count, but didn’t have the balls. I would have like to put Lexi in charge but while a girl working a corner was ok taking orders from one was not going to happen for a while.

“Prophet the corner is yours, Lexi make sure he doesn’t get robbed blind, and if I hear of any of you taking the mick the will be pain, got it.” I shouted. I slipped into the back seat of the car, the really wasn’t all that much room.

“I would watch out for that Lexi bird if I was you Rave, she is damaged goods if you know what I mean.” said Disco. This got a shape look from Cain, I was growing to dislike Disco more and more, he thought he was smarter, wittier and harder than he was and he was spending too much time getting his ego massaged by Eddy’s boys. He let his mouth run too much, but he was big enough that no one slapped him down.

“Look at who you are sat in a car with Disco” I replied “I think it is safe to say we are all damaged goods, I know I am.” Cain like this, I found myself looking for his approval much more lately.

We didn’t go to the strip club, it was where we meet the Kings men because it was where they hung out, if they were elsewhere we went to them. We headed out of the estate to a nearby industrial park, the place was half empty, lot of the units were long abandoned and the few that where running where all on the main street. Once you got to the back streets there were more than a dozen empty warehouses. One looked just as empty as the others, just as run down, but it had cars parked outside. We pulled up next to them.

The cars where good cars, expensive, Mike would have been like a kid in a candy store walking passed them. I slipped my hood up as I walked towards the door. The man on the door was more carful than at the club, he almost put a hand on Bob until me and Cain put our bodies in the way, but even so we had gang member and criminal written all over us so we were let in.

In the centre of the expanse of concrete floor inside was a square of knee high wall. Around this wall men graved yelling at what was happening in the centre. Some of these men where who you would expect, hardened criminals, but the others look like well to do business men, little men with faces twisted in rage, people that would cross the road instead of walking passed me, the younger ones where the type that I would sell coke to on a weekend night. In this town most of them were probably my dad bosses. One of the real surprises was that the King was there, I knew what he looked like, everyone knew what he looked like but I had never seem him anywhere near something illegal. The other surprise was that there were other gang members there.

The leader of the Burned Stars was there, with some of his lads, they where the biggest, richest and some would say most powerful of the estate gangs. Happy Johnny was a vicious bastard and I respected him. We moved to the other side of the circle, both carful trying not to notice the others. If they were here on work they didn’t look it, they where as focused on the middle of the floor as the other. From there came the sounds of growling, the where cages on one of the walls, and there were brown stains on the floor.

I never got dog fighting, I get blood sports in general, we have always had them throughout history, I have taken part in a few, but I never got dog fighting. It is not from some sense of animal rights it is just I don’t get how it can be fun to gamble on. With human fights there are a lot of thing to think about height, weight, speed, intelligence but with dog fight there are so few. They are both pit-bulls, both trained the same all you have to do is pick the biggest dog. It would be more fun to race them but blood sports where legal so more fun. Now cock fighting is something with a lot more variables, a bit more random, picking the winner in a cock fight is a skill, but with dogs it is easy. Money changed hands as the smaller dog went down, two men rush the other to pull it off, a fighting dog was an investment and letting one get killed was stupid.

The next two dogs were out into the ring and let off the leash as bets were called, more than a few on the dog I had picked as the loser the second it came out. I waited for one of the low level thugs to come over and take Bob away to get the job and was surprised at the man who came over at last to talk to us. He wasn’t the King but he was high up, let’s say a Duke, and to be taking business with gang members was not something he would do, this was going to be real work. He led us Bob, Cain and I, to a small room that may have once been an office.

Duke was a big man, his reputation was untouchable, and I work hard to show no fear in front of him. He barely noticed me at first, among the gangs I was a bad man but to him I was nothing to a guy like him. He passed small talk with Bob about business until he got on to work and then he looked at me.

“Who is this?” Duke asked, I doubted that he didn’t know if he was in the same room as me but he wanted them to vouch for me so if anything when wrong he could blame them.

“This is Rave,” Bob responded “He runs one of my crews, he work with Cain. He is a good worker.” That was the highest praise I could get from my boss.

“Rave? That makes him Mad Jimmy’s kid, he was a demon in his day” said Duke, I have heard the stories of my dad, half whispered by bad men like he was dead, being my father’s son made me something to these men.

“We want him done” was all he said as the envelope was passed over, there was no instruction, no words, this was how it was done. The photograph was poor but there was a name written on the back, we didn’t need it, we knew who it was.

He was a low level pimp, he ran half a dozen girls on the edge of the estate, putting them out on the street. There are few people in the criminal world lower than pimps, they are scum, someone who slaps around women for the money was low even by our standards, of course making money slapping around pimps was completely ok. The King took money off pimps, everyone paid up to the King’s people, but that didn’t matter pimps where only just above addicts on the food chain, and unlike pimps you had to keep addicts alive because they make you money. This pimp didn’t like being there, he wanted to be much better, and he had a mouth.

He had been talking about unionisation of the local pimps, had been talking about the sex trade as a business. He was bringing in his own drugs from a group of Albanians and there was talk of bringing in girls. Russians are bad enough but Albanians are something else, they are people traffickers, slavers, and they are really scary people. They were making moves all over the northwest coming out of Liverpool move in family groups and them getting a foot hold in our town was a very bad and this guy was their first step. The King worked with Manchester people who where warring with the Albanians. The front line of this war was in towns like ours. He hadn’t paid up to the King in some time and just hurting him would be a risk he had to be taken hard to send a message.

We had been waiting on word to come down from the King to hurt or kill him and now it was here. We stayed and watched the fight until it was polite to leave and then me and Cain bailed leaving Bob and the Daves betting.

Finding him wasn’t hard, we knew where he was, but his door was metal with a serious lock so we couldn’t just walk in, we had to be invited. We found a pair of his girls walking in one of the more popular kerb crawling areas of the estate, one was maybe mid twenties but looked much older, a used up addict with very little clothing, heavy makeup, blench blond hair and nothing behind her eyes. The other was much younger, too young really, maybe my age at the outside but she was dressed to make herself look younger, more innocent, to appeal to the wrong kind of customer, her big blue eyes spoke of extreme misery and you have to wonder how bad her world was that she would run away to this, both were users.

I would have took what we needed from them but Cain talked to them all sliver tongued about a proposal we had for their boss, about how he was going to need friends in the gangs to make any kind of move, about us moving against Eddy. He was persuasive, if I didn’t know we were King’s men I might think we were going to switch sides, and after 10 minutes they would take us back and let him hear what we had to say. We followed them to the flat and let them take us through the door.

The pimp was a small angry man, in his early 30, he had done time from the way he held himself but he didn’t look like he used himself. To think he wanted to be a big man was almost funny, he wouldn’t last 5 minutes in the gangs, but here he was. I expected Cain to do him by the door but he didn’t, he let him let us in putting on the same dog a pony show he had with the girls to get us into the flat.

The front room had been converted into a dorm room, 4 low quality bunk beds with dirty sheets, needles and tin foil scattered around them, I had seen squats that felt more like home. The older girl went straight to a bunk and lay down, the younger followed us into the back room. That was nicer, it was his room, but it still didn’t feel like a home.

Cain kept talking, about how we were ready to bring the Dead Heads corners to him and how we were making moves with some of the chiefs in the Bad Dogs. We could take both gangs in a month or so, but he needed proof that he could bring us weight before we would move not because we were scared of the King but if our corners went more than a day without product the addicts would go elsewhere. I was still waiting for Cain to take him, I didn’t get his game until the pimp stood and walked over to the corner of the room and started pulling up the carpet. The man was an idiot, I wouldn’t go within ten feet of my stash with someone in the room I didn’t know no matter how persuasive they were.

“Is that enough weight for you” He said as he came back up with a bag, the must have been enough product in there to keep my corner running for a month. I smiled to myself, Cain had come looking for a bonus, and that what had been what this whole dance had been about. We stood at the same time, I knew when Cain stated to move, and you had to see the look of panic in the pimp’s eyes as we went from friends to cold blooded killers.

“King wants you dead, we are here to see to it” he said as his knife came out. I don’t know now what made me pull my own blade, it was the first time I bothered to pull it on a job, and click the blade into place. Cain moved towards him and then all hell broke loose.

The girl jumped onto Cain’s back screaming like a banshee clawing at his face. As Cain struggled to get her off the pimp made a run for it dodging around the struggle and coming straight passed me. My vision tunnelled, going red at the edges, as the world slowed down to a crawl as my senses went into overdrive. I enjoyed the sensation as the adrenalin coursed through my veins, I was growing to live for these brief moment of god hood my body gave me. My arms responded sluggishly to my brain but I was still much faster than he was. My blade moved in a shining arch seeking his throat.

The world crawled forward as he fell back, blood droplets hung in the air to my speeded up mind, a perfect arch of crimson slowly gliding through the air towards me. The girl’s hair danced and waved as Cain tried to shake her. I felt warm liquid on my face running downwards, I stuck my tongue out to lick it without thinking, and the metallic tang out blood hit taste buds making the world snap back at full speed.

The pimp hit the floor, his hand clutching at his throat gagging, trying to stop him from bleeding out. At last Cain got hold of a handful of the girl’s hair and threw her across the room like she weighed nothing. He looked at me and then down at the pimp “End it” he said.

I felt excited, my first kill, as I move towards the prone man. I took a handful of his hair and pulled his head back. I moved my knife down and pulled back hard moving it through what was left of his throat, he gave the last bubbling breath as a pool of his life’s blood spread out from his neck and I watched him die. I would like to say it felt good, I felt power or validation but I didn’t and I felt a little disappointed by it. It should have been hard or difficult, there should have been emotion in it but there wasn’t, I had been preparing for this for months and it was easy. I guess if the act made me feel good I would be the wrong man for Cain to pick as an apprentice.

I walked out, I kept to the ritual, washing myself in the sink to get the blood off my skin. I listened to the young girl wail about how much she loved the man we had just kill, I had no doubt she would be pick up and put out by some other pieces of scum she would love. I walked out the front door, passed the older prostitute who hadn’t moved from the bunk and waited for Cain, the bitter taste of spent adrenaline in the back of my throat. He came out with the bag under one arm and a role of cash in the other hand. He tossed the cash to me and patted me head like a dog that had learned a new trick, I was his pet, his dog but I was good at it.

“You did good Rave” he said “how do you feel?” I thought about lying, but I went for honesty.

“Disappointed I guess, it should have been bigger” I answered, then I gave it some thought “a little sick, a little light headed and honestly a little horny.” And I was.

He gave a bark of laughter at that “Want to go back in and have a go on the little one, I am sour she will be good for a go if you can stop her crying.” I gave it some thought.

“Nay, a scank pro for around here you never know what you might catch” it was true “I go find my own.” I was buzzing now, I needed to do something.

I slowly wiped my finger prints of my blade and dropped it down the first grid I walked passed, I would have to get myself a new one. If they ever clean out the storm drains on the estate I have no idea how much dumped drug and how many blades they will find. I let my feet do the walking as I moved across the estate without much thinking. I found myself standing outside Bex’s place, she still lived with her mother but she kept one of the gang’s flats for her fun, I had been to parties here but this was the first time I had gone uninvited.

I banged on the door for a long while before someone finally answered it, since Bex had broken Stacie she had been putting together her own little harem of some of the prettier boys and girls from the gangs. No matter how important they were outside in this place they were all Bex’s playthings, doing what she wants them to do. The girl who answered the door had tried to dress quickly but her hair was a mess plastered to her head with sweat.

She tried to stop me pushing in, people where still more scared of Bex than me, but I was strong and pumped. I barely noticed the scene of depravity in the front room, or at least I can’t really remember it now, these people held little interest to me. But I got the vague impression of naked flesh, moving bodies and black clothing. I headed straight for the back, one of the lads tried to stand in my way so I smashed his head into the wall, twice and I kicked open the bedroom door.

Stacie was stood in the corner, naked, her skin still flawless despite months as Bex’s toy, she screamed in shock at my entrants. The look shock and outrage on Bex’s face was something to see, I am not sure the last time someone had done something that Bex didn’t want, and the young lad on the bed with her freaked and came running at me, scared out of his mind and I am not sure what he thought was going on, and tried to hit me. I slapped him once, slammed him into the wall and wrapped my hand around his throat, as I squeezed I lifted his feet of the floor. He choked and spluttered, kicking at me, but by now I had stopped caring about him and was looking at Bex.

“Get the FUCK out of here!” She yelled.

“No, I don’t think I will”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” she asked, taken aback, people did as she said, I did as she said but not anymore.

“My name is Rave, have we met?” I could see the warring look behind her eyes, she hated me for defying her but she was turned on by dominants and violence and I was showing all the signs. The fact that I was choking the life out of the boy, one of her favourite forms of foreplay, helped my case.

“So now that Faye is gone you want to pick up where we left off?” She asked

“No, I am no one toy anymore and anyway I am not your type now, but we could still have some fun.” The boy’s kicks had stopped so I let him go. He hit the floor gasping, sucking air as if it was going out of style, curling up into a ball. “So do you want to play keep playing with these boys and I go find someone else?” I said with a near manic grin.

“You can stay” she said, her lust winning out over her anger, as she slipped off the bed “just this once.”

Her hair was dark green this month, sweat glistened off her rock hard muscles of her stomach, and she oozed lust and sex as she advanced on me. She tried to push me back against the wall, tried to assert her dominances and strength, but what a difference a year made. I was no long a overgrown boy but a big, muscled young man and she wasn’t moving me any where I didn’t want to go.

I pushed her back onto the bed, starting to slip out of my clothes, once my top was off she sat back up running her hands over my scarred chest. “You keep adding more of them” she whispered to me and I gave a low laugh.

“What can I say, I like risks” and I kissed her. Our tongues intertwined, her hands ran up through my hair, her nails digging into my scalp. She smelled of sex and I wondered what she had been doing with the boy who was still in the foetal position by the door. I kicked my pants of as I laid her back down. My hand moved over her small breasts to her tiny, delicate, sensitive nipples to find them already hard. I pushed it down to find the warm wetness around her cunt, I thanked the boy for his prep work, I am not sure how long I could have waited. She tried to wrap her hand around my throat but I was having none of it, I took both her hands and forced them above her head, pressing our bodies very close together.

I kept kissing her as I drove myself deep into her cunt, feeling her moan of pure pleasure in my mouth. I felt her legs cross tight none the small of my back forcing my hips into hers keeping my cock buried inside her. She began rolling her hips back and forth using her strong stomach muscles, I tried to move with her. I am not sure who was fucking who but it was good sex. She kept trying to pull her hands free but I held them tight, I kept trying to pull out so I could get a real thrust going but her legs held me tight. It speed up fast, it couldn’t have lasted very long, but it felt like it last hours. With other girls I had to be careful but Bex could take anything I could give out and I could let go and put my aggression into the sex.

It wasn’t violent but it was close as we began to reach our peaks, our muscles, our strength, pushing against each other. Now it was a battle of wills as to who came first, both of us trying to hold off for as long as we could. It was a battle I was going to lose, it had been a while since I had had sex and I was going to go off soon but I gave it a good go.

When my orgasm hit it was a big one, my breath gasping into her mouth, my body spasming against hers. I finally lost grip on her hands but it didn’t matter, my cock jumping inside her as it sent shot after shot of cum deep into her had set off her own climax. Her cunt contracted around me, milking my cock for all it was worth, her own shaking body matching my own. She sunk her teeth into my bottom lip, it wouldn’t be sex without some pain.

I lay there next to her as we both came down, our breathing going back to normal. I didn’t say anything as I got dressed and left. I was something else now and I was going to have to find out what.

anonymous readerReport

2013-10-24 14:05:12
EWx6z1 Really informative blog post.Really thank you! Great.


2009-11-15 03:05:30
I've been here for a year or two, and your story is better than anything I've ever read on this site.

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