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Introduction:

World famous fashion designer falls in love with a sexy young fashion model that he thinks is 16...she is actually 14.
Designer’s Baby Bride 1

Jack Kingman has often been described as handsome and distinguished looking even as a young man. He was described that way despite the fact that he grew up poor in a tough neighborhood in New York with his single mom who was a seamstress. Watching his mom sew is what stimulated his interest in fashion. Jack was a good student and had no trouble getting a scholarship to Fashion Institute of Technology.

Jack was a quick study. When he graduated Jack was hired by Mr. Q, one of the top design houses on 7th Avenue in New York. Jack quickly moved up through the ranks and was soon designing his own collections…collections that retailed very well. Mr. Q offered to bank roll Jack if he wanted to start his own line. Jack quickly accepted the offer and never had any regrets. He formed Jack Kingman Fashions which later became JK fashions. The early collections were a huge success. It was time to expand his product line and expand his distribution.

Jack’s line was not well known outside of the major markets. He needed to build awareness for JK Fashions and build it quickly. Jack was introduced to a hot young photographer by the name of Bruce Thompson. Bruce like Jack had risen fast in the world of fashion photography. The only problem that Bruce encountered was that he had some very avant guard ideas and most fashion houses were afraid to push the envelope that far.

Bruce and Jack were invited to dinner by Mr. Q. The seasoned designer took them to dinner at The Four Seasons restaurant in Manhattan. It has long been one of the best and most expensive restaurants in the city.

Bruce and Jack were having a cocktail with Jack’s mentor, Mr. Q. Let me cut to the chase, Mr. Q said rather abruptly. The two of you need each other. Figure it out! The older designer stood up to leave. As he started to walk away he turned back to the table, oh and by the way dinner is on me because neither of you putzes can afford this place yet. He grinned at them and pulled out a huge cigar and walked toward the door.

Jack and Bruce looked at each other for a moment and then cracked up. Both of them had tears running down their faces from laughing so hard. People were beginning to turn and stare at them.

I guess we should straighten up. We might actually want to blend in here someday. Jack told Bruce.

Bruce nodded and looked at Jack seriously. He’s right you know. You are an awesome designer that nobody knows and I am a fabulous photographer that nobody knows because I have never had the opportunity to do my best work. Together we can create buzz that will stand 7th Avenue on its head, Bruce told Jack just as the waiter walked up to the table.

Jack nodded yes to Bruce and paused to think for a moment as the waiter stood there. Jack looked up at the waiter and told him to bring a bottle of their best Champagne.

Bruce looked worried. Do you know what that is going to cost in a joint like this?

Yep and when Q gets the bill that is how he will know he put the right people together, Jack told Bruce with a smirk.

The rest of the evening was spent planning their first ad campaign…the one that set 7th Avenue on fire. It was edgy, sexy and had people talking about it for years.

They had been working together for several years when they started working on JK first couture campaign. The photography concept was killer and the young fashion model Bruce found looked like a sexy angel. Amazingly Jack and Bruce were still in their mid twenties. It was hard to imagine that two young guys could craft such an exciting advertising campaign.

Jack was so focused on his business development he barely had time to breathe. When there were event that required a date he always had a gorgeous woman on his arm. It was seldom the same woman twice. Some on 7th Avenue wagged about the possibility that Jack was gay. No one other than Bruce was close enough to know.

Bruce listened to the wags for years talking about Jack being gay. Bruce made it a point never to comment, but nothing about Jack tripped his gaydar. Bruce would be the first to admit that he really doesn’t understand Jack even though they have been good friends and partner on many business projects.

The couture shoot and the resort wear campaign that followed were going to be their best work. The dress they choose for the couture ad was very sexy and sleek. The top of the dress was a semi-sheer gossamer fabric. When the gorgeous young model and her mother arrived for the shoot, Bruce held his breath. He paced all during the fitting and fully expected the mother to explode when she saw how revealing the dress is. After 40 minutes Megan emerged from the dressing room in the most beautiful dress that Bruce had ever seen. There was no question that he could see a hint of Megan’s pink nipples. She looked like a Greek goddess. Megan was followed out of the dressing room by Iona, her mother. Iona had a tissue and she was dabbing the corner of her eyes.

Iona gave Bruce and intense look and then hugged him and told him her daughter had never looked more beautiful. Bruce heaved a huge sigh of relief and set to work. They were about finished with the couture fashion shoot when Jack arrived. Jack watched for a few minutes and judging from the smile on his face was totally delighted.

May I speak with you a moment? Jack asked Bruce.

When they were by themselves, Jack asked Bruce what he thought of Megan.

I think she’s spectacular, Bruce gushed.

What would you think of her for the resort collection photo shoot? Jack asked him.

Wow…Well she is beyond my wildest dream for that campaign, but that campaign is based on a pretty hot visual concept…really sexy. I don’t think Iona will go for it. Megan seemd… so young…so innocent…so sexy! And that comes from a confirmed gay guy, Bruce told Jack with a laugh.

She would be perfect…wouldn’t she? Jack said with a smile. Her mother must be convinced.

If you say so…boss! Bruce said with a sly grin. If you can convince Iona you will be my hero for life!

When they finished shooting, Jack spoke to Megan for the first time.

You have been considered for another campaign…if you are interested. Both Megan and Iona intently listened to Jack. He walked her into the dressing room and asked the stylist to help her out of the dress. Jack fumbled to find the resort wear outfit that he wants for the photo shoot. He found it and handed it to the stylist as Megan was removing the couture dress. Megan stood before Jack naked except for her bikini panties.

It took every thing that Jack has to make eye contact with her. His eyes so wanted to look at her tiny little breasts and drink in every detail of her sexy body. Jack felt his member starting to rise and does everything possible to avoid an erection. Jack immediately started a conversation with Iona. That was when the stylist walked over to Megan shaking her head telling Megan that those bikini panties will never do in this outfit. She removed the panties. Megan stood totally naked in front of Jack and Iona.

My god she is so beautiful! Jack said. He can no longer try to make eye contact. His eyes soak up every detail of Megan’s gorgeous young body. Jack can’t take his eyes off Megan’s nipples that are totally erect. His eyes traveled down and he gasps at the beauty of her pubis. There were a few light blond wisps of hair and one very cute freckle. Her labia appeared to be swollen and he wondered if Megan was as sexually excited as he is. Jack looks up and sees that her eyes are riveted on the obscene bulge in his slacks.

Yes she’s quite beautiful. You good taste showed. You appreciate how beautiful she is, Jack heard Iona say. He tore his eyes away from Megan’s body and looked at Iona. He saw that Iona stared at the bulge in his pants too. Jack was devastated. He was sure Iona hates him.

Most impressive, Iona said as she looked up from Jack’s erection into his eyes.

I….I…um…am…sorry, Jack stammered out.

Iona smiled a mischievous smile. You wouldn’t be much of a man if the sight of that girl did not make you rock hard. I know what is in your heart. You may enjoy what you see. It is a very special thing.

They put the bikini swim suit bottom on for the resort wear shoot and no top. Cassie the stylist offered Megan a towel as a cover up.

Megan smiled and shook her head no.

When Megan walked back on to the set, Bruce gasped at her beauty. Bruce thought it unusual that a 16 year old girl still had tiny breast buds. They have the puffiness of the beginnings of sexual development.

Bruce took Megan by the hand and led her to the beach set they have created in the studio. He had her face away from camera. Bruce wanted Megan to pretend to bend over to pick up a cover up from the beach. Bruce wanted the reader of the advertisement to think this gorgeous young beauty was on the beach topless.

Bruce positioned the camera so that the swell of Megan’s naked breast bud is visible and only a hint of the pink nipple can be seen. Bruce starts snapping away. He has Megan turn her face toward him and in some of the shots her nipple is visible. Even Bruce is rock hard as he shoots the elegant young beauty. Bruce looked across the set. Jack stood there with a huge erection clearly visible in his pants and made no attempt to hide it. Bruce snapped photos as he thought of offering to suck Jack off.

Plans for dinner? Jack asked Iona.

No we we’re just going eat something at the hotel, Iona told him.

No…you must be my guest for dinner. Jack grabbed the phone and called the Maitre'De at The Four Seasons, never forgetting his own first experience in the restaurant.

Bruce finished the shot and Megan headed for the dressing room.

Jack watched longingly as Megan left the set.

You wish to see more don’t you? Iona asked Jack.

He nodded and she took his hand and led him back to the dressing room.

Cassie strips off the bikini bottom and Megan stood before Jack and Iona naked.

Jack turned to the rolling rack and pointed. Cassie I want Megan in that dress.

…But Mr. K….that is the center piece of your collection for the couture show next week. No one has seen it.

I can’t think of a better way for them to see this amazing dress than on this beautiful lass. And Jack told Cassie that Megan will wear the jewelry to go with it.

Boss all of it was borrowed and costs over $1 million dollars.

Jack just smiled and nodded. Jack watched as Megan’s beautiful body was stripped naked again. He turned and left the dressing room. Iona followed.

That was close…wasn’t it? Iona asked him.

Jack wondered how Iona could possibly know that he was teetering on the verge of an explosive orgasm.

Iona just smiled. Mysterious…isn’t it? Iona said to Jack wistfully.

Jack tried everything to will his erection to go down. Nothing worked.

Jack knew that only one thing that would relieve his throbbing member. As he thought about relief Jack looked at Iona. Iona looked Jack in the eye and nodded and then her eyes trailed down to the huge bulge in his slacks. Jack knew he was completely out of control when his only thoughts were about having carried Megan’s beautiful naked body to the work table and having her spread herself for him. Jack imagined his pants falling to the floor and his rock hard member at the entrance to her molten core.

I am sorry it took so long, Megan told them in her beautiful Irish brogue. Jack’s head snapped up from his erotic fantasy to a reality that is almost as good as the fantasy. The center piece of his couture collection has the gossamer sheer top that barely concealed Megan’s tiny pink nipples from full view. She is more sexually stimulating than if she were topless.

Megan walks directly to Jack and kisses his cheek. She whispered in his ear how much she loved being able to wear his most beautiful dress.

Jack stepped back for a moment while holding Megan’s hand. His mind absorbed both the beauty of the dress and the elegance of the young woman wearing it. The dress looked as if it was made just for Megan and Jack told her so. It is the height of elegance while being something out of a sexual fantasy.

Jack took Megan’s hands and kissed her cheek. You look magnificent. I cannot wait to take you in the dining room at The Four Seasons. You look spectacular. You will absolutely stop conversation when we walk into the dining room and that never happens at The Four Seasons.

As they walked into the main dining room at The Four Seasons Restaurant they are surrounded by celebrities and famous business executives. Megan is dazzled.
Iona watched with pride as the some of the biggest celebrities and most recognizable people in the world stopped their conversations to look at her beautiful Megan in that amazing dress.

The Maitre'De led them to one of the most sought after tables in the room. Jack and Megan are seated on the same side of the table. Iona can only think what a beautiful couple they are and about the gorgeous child they will conceive tonight. Iona knows without seeing it that Jack’s member is fully erect under the table. She knows that he has been on the verge of an orgasm for hours.

The waiter arrives at the table and greets them. His eyes are glued to the hint of nipples showing through Megan’s dress. The waiter’s eyes focused on Megan’s tiny nipples. Jack watched the bulge grow in the front of the waiter’s pants. Jack smiles as the waiter’s pants develop an obscene tent. Jack wondered if the man would have a spontaneous orgasm while taking their order.

Dinner was a magical experience. Iona and Megan told Jack how much they enjoyed the elegance of the restaurant. As the three of them left the dining room after diner, Jack invited them back to his penthouse for a night cap and to have the opportunity to have experienced the skyline from his patio.

Iona told Jack that she must turn in. Iona squeezed Megan’s hand and told her that she needs to be nice to Jack.

Jack later told Bruce about the magical experience. As they stood on Jack’s balcony on a beautiful clear summer evening, Jack leaned over and kissed the ravishing beauty. Jack was taken by her quite innocent.

Megan responded to Jack’s kisses with tenderness and passion. Jack kissed her cheek and asked her if she would like some Champagne. She nodded timidly. Megan followed Jack in from the terrace. He took a chilled bottle of Dom P?gnon from the wine cooler behind the bar. Megan giggled when she heard the cork pop. Jack filled two flutes with the bubbly liquid and they clinked glasses to toast her career.

Jack is completely smitten with this young beauty. He set their glasses on the bar and he drew Megan into his arms. He kissed her deeply. Jack felt Megan’s finger tips stroking his face and while her other hand rubbed his chest stimulating his already erect nipple.

Jack felt the hormones rage through his body. He has never felt this way about a woman. Jack finger tips danced lightly over Megan’s back as he pulled her into an even tighter embrace. Megan gasped as she feels his throbbing manhood through his pants pressed against her abdomen. Megan has never seen a man naked or even a picture of an erection. She cannot believe she is in this sexy man’s arms. Jack kisses Megan deeply and she tasted the hint of Champagne on his tongue. Megan felt her wetness as her juices flowed down her leg. She has only felt like this once before when she rubbed that special spot.

Jack told her how beautiful she looked. Megan kissed him and trembles as she feels his hard manhood pressing against her. Jack’s advances became more passionate and his hands roamed over her beautiful body. He felt her erect nipples through the dress and realized that she is not wearing a bra. He lightly toyed with her nipples as he kisses her. He felt her shiver with pleasure from his touch.

Jack unzipped the back of the elegant dress and it fell away as naturally as flower petals opening with the morning sun. Jack is astounded to find that this beautiful Irish lass is totally naked under the dress except for the adornment of $1 million dollars of jewelry. They stood before each other. Jack elegantly dressed in a suit and tie and Megan wore only the jewelry and her pale Irish complexion.

Jack became achingly erect as his eyes feast on her breasts buds…so tiny with lovely pale pink nipples. His eyes naturally traveled the short distance to her beautiful pubis. Jack assumed that she has recently shaved her pubis because it is almost bare. Her labia became pink before his eyes as Megan’s body flushed with the blush of sexual excitement.

Jack leaned forward began to nurse on Megan’s delicate nipples. Megan groans with the pleasure his lips cause and she stifled a cry as his tongue gently flicked her sensitive nipple. Jack’s other hand began to travel down her tender milk white abdomen. He pauses a moment to explore her sexy belly button. After a few moments, he continued his journey to her pubis. His fingers lightly explored her mons and to his surprise he felt a few longish hairs. He must see this and he dropped to his knees to explore her mons up close. It boggled his mind as he studied her. It is as if puberty had barely touched this ravishing beauty. Jack has never experienced anything like this he leans forward and kissed her mons.

Megan’s breath caught in her throat as she felt Jack’s tender kiss on her most sacred place. Megan is embarrassed that she felt her legs becoming wet with her juices. She hopes that Jack will not be shocked. Jack lightly ran his finger tip down Megan’s labia. As his finger tip found her womanhood, he felt his heart leap because she was moist in anticipation of their love making.

Jack picked the naked nymph up and carried her to his bedroom. Jack placed her on a beautiful white silk coverlet on top of his bed.

Megan watched in awe as this handsome man began to undress. She studies his piercing blue eyes as Jack removed his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. She watched as he gold cuff links drop to the thick carpet. As his chest was revealed, Megan was fascinated by his smooth muscular chest. His brown nipples stood erect. She watched his hand move in almost slow motion to unbuckle his belt and pants. They soon fell away to reveal snow white boxers that have a huge wet stain. The wet stain intrigued her. She knew nothing about precum. Jack bent over and slid his boxers and socks off in one movement. When he stood straight it was the first time she saw his body naked. He was amazing. She imagined kissing and licking every inch of his magnificent body. Her eyes settled on his throbbing member. It bobbed slightly with each beat of his heart. She is amazed at his size. It was a 7” thick erection and there was some liquid that appeared to drool from the tip. Before she can began to worry about being penetrated by Jack’s man member, Jack returns to the edge of the bed. Jack looked at Megan with lust filled eyes. He told Megan that he must taste her essence.

Jack knelt by the bedside and pulled Megan’s legs over his shoulders. His tongue began to gently make love to her girlhood. Jack gently parted her labia. His tongue explored her core and then began to caress her swollen clitoris with the tip of his tongue. Her juices tasted like a fine wine to him.

Megan began to moan with pleasure as Jack turned his attention to pleasuring her sacred place. His tongue probed her vagina. Jack is surprised at how tight her womanhood is as his tongue probes its depths. He stimulates Megan with his tongue until she cries out in pleasure. Megan has never experienced anything like the pleasures that Jack has given her. Megan cried out at the intense stimulation and then began moaning and shaking her head back and forth as her orgasm overwhelmed her. Jack’s taste buds are delighted with juices. His member ached to enter this young beauty. Jack stood beside the bed between her legs. He leaned down and kissed the precious flower tenderly. Megan is slightly startled by the taste of her own essence. It made her heart race even faster to think about the amazing thing that Jack had done to give her pleasure.

Megan felt that the tip of Jack’s member had penetrated her labia. Megan knew in moments the handsome man’s erection will have penetrated her. She was anxious because this is her first time. She had not told the truth about her age.

Megan was only 14. She was a late bloomer that had only been lightly kissed by puberty. She had the body of a girl turning 12. Her young body had never been seen by a man.

Megan wondered if she should tell Jack that she is a virgin. She timidly bit her lip, but said nothing. She looked from his throbbing member up his taut body to his handsome face. There could not be a more perfect man for her first sexual experience.

Megan’s body vibrated with sexual excitement. She shivered with a mini orgasm and is embarrassed that vagina is slippery with her juices. Megan looked into Jack’s lust filled eyes. She felt the tip of Jack’s erection against her throbbing clitoris. The contact sent electric jolts of pleasure through her virgin body. Jack reached down and began to caresses her tiny erect nipples. Megan groans as she feels her body flood with juices. She worried that he would think her wetness gross.

Jack fought a spontaneous orgasm. He thought that this was too good to be true. He leaned down and kissed her beautiful lips.

Oh baby…I must have you. Jack told Megan as he broke a passionate kiss.

The tip of his member entered her love tunnel. At 14 her sacred virgin place was very tight. Even the tip of his member stretched the young girl. Megan gave a small cry as she was entered. He asked if he surprised her.

Megan only nodded yes. She wondered if Jack would be upset to find her a virgin.

Jack climbed up on the bed. He lifted his precious flower and moved her to the center of the bed. He gently opens her legs. He placed his member at the entrance to her sacred place. He pushed the tip of his raging erection gently into to her inner most place.

As his member begins to enter her Jack thought…Megan is so tight…it is almost as if she is… Then tip of his man member encountered her maidenhead.

Oh my god, Jack thought, this beautiful flower’s a virgin.

I had no idea that you are a virgin, Jack told her with a mystified look on his face.

Megan nodded and blushed, I am so sorry. She told Jack while tiny tears leaked from her eyes.

Oh baby there is nothing to be sorry about, Jack told her. The tip of his member throbbed inside the beautiful girl’s vagina. He felt each involuntary contraction of her vagina. Fearful that he might explode with out warning, Jack told her they could stop.

Megan’s tears increased as she shook her head no. Will you please take me? Megan asked Jack timidly.

Jack nodded slowly. There is nothing I would love more than making love to you…if it is what you want.

Megan nodded yes.

This maybe the best day of my life Jack told the exquisite 14 year old. Jack kissed Megan passionately as his member tore through her hymen. Jack felt each tiny ridge in her vagina as he member sought her molten core. The intense pleasure was beyond description. Jack thought that he must have died and gone to heaven being the first and only to have made love to this exceptional beauty.

Megan screamed as his member made her a woman. Jack cringed at the pain he caused this delicate girl. He held perfectly still with his manhood completely encased in her sacred place.

Megan gasped for breath as her tiny body adjusted to the intrusion of Jack’s man member. Jack kissed her tenderly and blots the tears from her eyes. After a few moments Megan wrapped her arms and legs around Jack.

Oh yes…she whispered. You feel awesome deep inside me. I can feel you heart beat in you hardness. They held each other tight and kissed relishing every precious moment.

Jack felt the contractions of her vagina around his penis as it adjusted to his erection. She is so tight and beautiful. Jack broke their passionate kiss and whispered to her.

Are you ready my little love, Jack asked her.

Megan nodded and held him close. She so wanted to make this moment awesome for Jack. She felt his man member draw back and suddenly she felt emptiness deep in her core. Her body ached for his erection. Then she felt him thrust deeply. Her pleasure nub rode on his thick member and sent jolts of pleasure through her virgin body.

As he thrust, each tiny ridge in her tight vagina was trying to draw the life force from him. With each thrust he felt the seed rising from deep inside him. The pressure in his loins was painful. His body cried out to release his potent seed into this beauty. The heat and tightness of her virgin vagina quickly pushes Jack to the verge of orgasm.

Oh sweet little love…my body aches to fill you with my seed. Jack increased the tempo of his thrusts in and out of this tiny goddess. His body felt like it was on fire and only releasing his seed will quench the fire.

Megan with each thrust felt her clit rubbing along the top of Jack’s member. It sent white hot sparks of pleasure and pain through her body. Megan felt the intensity of Jack’s thrusting increase. The pleasure was too intense and she cried out as her body shuddered with the beginning of a powerful orgasm. Megan felt her juices flood as wave after wave of the orgasm swept over her.

Jack wanted to warn her but her the contractions of her orgasm pushed him past the point of no return. Jack groaned as his body began to thrust deeply and uncontrollably into her tiny body. Jack thrust his man member until the tip stretched her cervix wide open and he felt his body quake as his potent seed erupted into her unprotected virginal womb. As the first wave of his orgasm shook his body, Jack drove his member deep in her vagina again and again ejaculating his seed in her virgin womb.

Megan cried out in pleasure as she felt Jack plant his hot seed deep in her core. She felt his member explode his potent seed again and again. It felt like her young body was trying to suck every drop of his essence from his awesome seed filled orbs.

Their love making brought Megan the most intense pleasure that she has ever experienced. Jack’s man member was still rock hard and buried deeply in the beautiful girl. It occurred to him that it is highly unlikely that a virgin is on any form of birth control. Jack wondered if he had just impregnated this beautiful young girl. What if he got this 16 year old child pregnant? As worried as he was, his penis failed to soften. Jack knew that he had not had an orgasm in 3 days. It was one of his most powerful orgasms ever. If she was fertile she must be pregnant.

Megan saw the concerned look on his face. She wondered if he had regrets about their love making. She felt his hard penis throbbing deep inside her.

Jack saw Megan studying his face and he kissed her deeply. He suddenly realized that he is falling deeply in love with this young beauty. The tight sleeve of her steaming vagina wrapped around his throbbing man member felt wonderful. While staying buried deep in her core, Jack fliped them over so that he can admire her beauty as she sits astride his rigid member.

You hardness fills me up, Megan told Jack as she toyed with his erect nipples. I like you deep inside me. Megan leaned down and kissed Jack. She whispered in his ear that she thinks he is the most handsome man she has ever seen. As she told him that she squeezes her vaginal muscles around his throbbing member.

Wow…that felt awesome. Jack told her as he touched her erect nipples. He felt her vagina contract with each touch of her nipple.

Jack watched as her beautiful blue eyes began to glaze with lust. Megan instinctively rocked back and forth on his aching member.

Oh…sweet baby…that feels so good. Jack tells her. Her vagina was stimulated to the point that each ridge stood proud. As his corona passed over each ridge slowly it was almost painful the pleasure was so intense.

Need you to…uhhhh… Megan tries to tell him as her body is rocked by wave after wave of another orgasm. The pleasure intensity was so great she could not speak. Jack felt the flow of her hot juices just before his own orgasm. Megan ground her clit against Jack as she slipped over the edge. The contractions of her vagina push Jack over the edge and he felt her cervix stretch as he shot his semen deep in her womb. Jack thrust his hips up from the bed as he drove his erection deeply to her core. He filled her womb again with potent man seed.

Jack pulled the white silk coverlet over them and holds her close as she continued to lie on top of him. They are still joined as one and Jack felt their combined juices begin to leak out and flow across his scrotum. It was a delicious feeling. It was a decadent feeling knowing that he has deflowered this beauty and twice filled her unprotected womb with his seed. That was his last thought as he drifted off to sleep.

Note to my readers:

Please let me know if you enjoyed the first chapter of Designer’s Baby Bride. Any thoughts you have on how this story should evolve would be appreciated.

I have started working on a new story that will have lots of first time experiences for young teens. The story will be better if I can draw on a lot of different first time experiences. Any of your personal first time experiences would make the story better.

I want to thank those of you that have generously shared your sexual experiences with family members. Some of the stories are posted in the comments on my website. Some of you have shared beautiful stories and first time experiences with family members. Many of the stories are very tender love filled experiences that are also intensely erotic. With their permission I will be writing stories that capture their real experiences while changing the setting and the names to protect their privacy. I would love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences. Please email me (mack1137@gmail.com)
Thanks
Mack

6 comments

Anonymous readerReport

2014-02-12 04:15:08
You change tense, in the middle of the same sentence, or from one sentence to the next. This is really basic stuff.
Tenses have to be consistent. If "jack watched..." in the first sentence then in the next you can not start "jack smiles..."
This is a middle school grammar mistake.
I hate acting like the grammar police but the lack of basic writing skills exhibited here are beyond what I can ignore.
It completely distracts from any potential enjoyment when there are such egregious, fundamental issues practically every sentence or two.
Typos I can accept- this isn't a thesis submission. But so much consistently, fundamentally poor grammar makes it unreadable.

It's a shame. The concept had promise.

AuoraReport

2013-06-08 12:18:15
Very intresting story I liked it

anonymous readerReport

2012-06-30 15:35:39
As beautifully write as that was. It was a stage mom nightmare. The mother new how young her daughter is yet none the less paraded her child's flesh before him anyway. She purposely whored her daughter out for who nose what purpose.

The JohnReport

2010-04-08 19:14:43
I very much enjoyed your story. I am looking foward to a follow up, and more stories from you.

A few constructive comments. 1) you bounce the young lady's age from 16 to 14 and back (IMHO she is 14, based on physical description, and attitude). 2) Too many "flowery descriptions" it may be better to use them on occasion, Not ALL the time (when in "Lust" most guys think, and say Cock, not "Man Member"); perhaps have the young lady think, and perhaps speak in more flowery terms. (Not that the man has to be crude; you have depicted him as at least somewhat a gentelman)

Does the mother have some "power of forseeing"? In the stoy you had her think (forsee?) that her daughter would "Get Pregnant" not merely have sex with the hero. And she seemed Okay with it. It seemed more than just a cynical motive on the mother's part (I got that feeling). An intersting twist, I would like to see you develop that more.

I very much enjoyed the combination of "romance" and Lust.

You write we

Anonymous readerReport

2010-04-05 22:52:45
please do part 2

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