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To live a violent life

I think I should take a few moments to talk about violence and humans. Most of you only see violence in small amounts and never really understand it, never really get how much and at the same time how little the human body can take. Without direct damage to the nervous system the human body can heal from almost anything that doesn’t kill it out right, but it is far easier to inflict enough damage to kill someone than most people understand.

Most people see violence as what is seen on TV, Hollywood violence I like to call it. In moves a guy gets his head slammed in a car door and then gets up and keeps fighting, in real life the man is dead his head cracked open, his brains on the pavement, just pain dead. Even if he is lucky or thick skull enough to not die he is going to spend the next few minutes trying to remember which way is up, trying not to be sick and praying no one does it again because he can’t move. You get hit hard in the head you stay hit, you don’t keep going, you just try not to pass out. When you are down on the ground and you take a kicking you don’t stand back up and carry on afterward, you lie on the ground and hope the world stop spinning. A broken rib is not something you fight through, you fight to breath, this is the difference between the real world and moves.

Then you get people that watched professional wrestling when they were young, now they all know it is fake, but they still see that as the way violence works. If you hit someone in the head ten times while counting they are not going to get back up, they are going to be out. And then the is boxing, let’s get beyond the fact the both parties have spent a life time getting used to being hit in the head, know how to block, know how to dodge and how to move their head to rob a punch of its power, they are still wearing 12 oz gloves, and people still get knocked out. After the boxers spends 4 weeks just recovering. Most people don’t understand the kind of damage a fist, a bat, or a knife can do to a body.

People that live for violence are not like you, they live on an edge between damage and pain or victory and glory. So few people, normal people, understand violence in a pure animal form and of those that do most don’t talk about it and even if they did you wouldn’t understand what they said. The one that do talk about it, the one that can explain it to you, can put pure violence into words, are not the kind of people you want to spend time in a room with. The closest I have ever come to putting it in to words is ‘the rush and the crunch and the scream’ and when I shut my eyes I can still feel it running in my veins.

The point of all that is that violence, real violence, is a dirty and dangerous thing where people get hurt and people die. It was the way of the world that I lived in, that one of the few ways out was feet first with a wood overcoat, and you didn’t know when or how or why beforehand it just happened. This is a story about the end to a truly violent life and what it made me.

It was mid February and about 9pm, it was going to be a cold night, the frost was already forming on the pavement making it slick under foot. I had closed up the corner early, addict buy early in winter and find someplace warm to take the fix so keeping the corner open late gained us very little business. I took a swig from the bottle I was holding letting the rum heat my insides and passed the bottle over the head of the brunette that was snuggled up under my arm to Cain. He took a long pull of the spirit and breathed out slowly his breath missing in the night air.

“That’s good stuff” he said “you always have good shit Rave”

“It’s because I don’t buy the £5 gut rot that you lot seems to get no matter how much tin you are making” I replied “I know WhiteLighting is an institution but it really is shit. Where are we going anyway?”

“A flat I know, it is not far, I am meeting her there” he answered. The brunette shifted against my chest shivering from the cold. I have been trying to remember the name of the girl I was with that night, I had a thing going with a couple of different girls at the time but I didn’t have a real girlfriend and that meant I passed around the gang girls, I could give you the name of one of them or make one up but the truth is I have no idea who I was with that night all I am sure of is she had brown hair, I think that give you some idea of the number of girl I had been sleeping with since Faye left. I could give her a name but I think we will stick to the brunette for now.

I again wonder how many flat the gangs had taken over on the estate that started out as squats. We put a new door on, clean up the mess and then use it. Just my crew had two near our corner and I kept being taken to new ones. This one looked as if it had once been converted to a counting house, the door reinforced and a large table set up in the main room. I watched Cain fidget as we waited, I had seen the lad kill without blinking, but he was worried about seeing the girl it must have been love. I hope it was love because otherwise a lot of bad things happened so he could sleep with something a little exotic.

There was a knock on the door and he was up like a shot to get it letting in his girl. Now I remember her name, Sharri was a tall, curvy girl with hair that feel into lose curls and deep, green, sad eyes. She would have been a very good girlfriend for Cain but she was Islamic. They had been slowly becoming a subset of the estate for months now and we didn’t mix. We weren’t really racist, it takes a bit of effort to be really racist and we just put on effort into not being racist, we treated them like shit but then again we treated everyone like shit. If they had tried to assimilate into the estate maybe it would have been different but as it was the tension was building and both sides hated each other.

She had them meet in secret because her family wouldn’t understand and he had them meet in secret because some elements of the gang would use it to go after him. I was loyal to Cain and any girl I was with wouldn’t be stupid enough to repeat anything she saw while hanging with the gang’s two top leg breakers, and it would get her more status to act like it was a big secret she was in on anyway. If me and Cain were seen going to the flat we were just sharing, some of the best way to truly violate a girl needs two of you to do it you know.

He walked back over to me and pulled the bottle from my fingers “We will need this more than you” he said with an evil grin and took Sharri in his other hand dragging her to one of the bedrooms.

The brunette stood and began to walk backwards towards the second bed room with her head bowed a little so she was looking up at me sexily with big eyes full of mischief that I am pretty sure were green. I stood a little clumsily and wondered how much I had drunk as we waited, I shook my head slowly to clear some of the buzz, and I began to move towards her. I got to her as she reached the door, I pushed her up against it and groped her breast through her clothes getting a gasp of my efforts. I fumbled behind her for the handle and the door swung inwards, I stumbled as she move sideways with the door and ended up pressed hard on her, she laughed and ran her fingers over my face. She had very pretty face when she laughed, soft, pretty, pink lips moved into a smile, very pretty lips.

I kissed her softly at first, her lips where sticky and tasted sweet, I moved my tongue forward to lick the gloss of my lips and she took it into her mouth. I let her massage my tongue with her own feeling her hot breath in my mouth. My hand came up and grabbed a handful of her hair rapping it in my fist pulling her head back and our mouth apart. I kissed her neck and throat gently feeling her swallow nervously as I ran my tongue into the tiny little indent just above her sternum. I spun back and pushed her into the room in front of me giving her arse a resounding slap through her tight jeans making her squeal and scamper ahead of me.

We began to dump our clothes in a pile giving a sharp intake of breath as the frigid air in the room touch my skin. Her body was skinny, her ribs clearly visible underneath the swell of her breasts, but this wasn’t unusual on any council estate. Her nipples where hard more from the cold than any attraction to me, she shivered as the last of her clothes hit the floor. “Are you going to just look at me all night or do you want to come over here and keep me warm?” she asked, what lad is going to pass that up.

I walked over to her and kissed her again, our naked bodies pressed against each other. Her hands roamed my back and shoulders, mine held her pert arse firmly. I broke off the kiss and brought one of my hands around, still holding her to me I moved it down her body starting by running my finger tips over the curve of the cheek and along the line of her chin. I moved my hand down onto her neck, wrapping it around her throat and giving it a gentle squeeze making her gasp. I let go and ran my hand along her collar bone and slipped my finger down her side counting the ribs, my thumb ran up the small swell of her breast brushing her nipple, I stopped for a moment making small circles around her nipple.

She leaned her back closing her eyes and letting out a small moan, I leaned down to kiss her throat and let my hand move downward over the skin of her completely flat stomach, my thumb briefly playing with her belly button, and past the swell of her pelvis onto her thin covering of pubic hair. She knew where I was going and spread her legs slightly to give me access still she gave a sharp intake of breath with the shock as I touch her between her legs. I am sure I must have fucked the girl several times but I had no idea of her body and that always makes foreplay difficult. I watched her body carefully for her responses to the changes in area and pressure as I played with her. She was really too sensitive for direct stimulation to her clit this early in the play so I stayed lower. Soon she was wet enough for me to slide my fingers into her curling then up along the front wall of her cunt listening to her gasp and moan in pleasure.

“God I need you in me now” she scream and tried to push me back onto the bed, I was close to twice her weight and she strained to move me until I decided to sit down, my finger coming out of her with a sucking sound covered in her wetness. She climbed on top of me, her breasts level with my face so I leaned forwards and kissed her nipple. Her hand wrapped around my cock giving it a few strokes to make sure I was fully hard than she line m it up with her slit and moved down pushing the head into her cunt. She may have been wet but she was small and tight and only got about half way down before she had to pull back up. Still she kept at it, moving up and down, bouncing on my cock each time pushing down hard to force more of my cock into her as she stretched slowly. It took her a while but in the end our pelvises met on a downwards thrust and she sat impaled on my cock.

We were far closer to face to face now, her face was a mask of discomfort as she sat there getting used to the feeling of being full of me, letting her cunt adjust. I watch as the pain slowly faded from her face and I smile began to spread across her face “I have never felt so full” she panted “you are so big” I knew it was more than likely a lie but girls tend to lie about sex they think guys need it. I never got that, if you where bad at something you need to know so you can get better. She began to rock her hip back and forth not really pulling my cock out of her just letting it move around inside her. She was very tight on me and the pressure on my cock was almost painful, almost. I slapped my hands onto her hips and began to push them increasing the force and speed of her movements.

Her eye were shut, her mouth pressed into a tight, thin line, breathing hard through her nose. Her little breast jiggled ever so slightly as she thrust forward, her stomach becoming a hollow underneath her rips and she thrust back. Her lips parted and she let out a thin moans. I was close, I could have held off, if I had cared about the girl I might have but she was just a bit of fun here for my pleasure. I grabbed her shoulders and flipped her onto her back with me on top my cock still in her and I went at it thrusting hard, fast and deep. Her moans went from pleasure to pain quickly, it was a good thing I was so close or I could have done some real damage to her cunt. But I was close and I let myself peak fast pushing my cock on the way into her and cumming deep into her. I pulled my softening cock out of her, she hadn’t climaxed and I didn’t care. I climbed up her and wiped the mess on the head of my cock down one cheek then the out leaving to lines of cum on her cheek bones.

“Leave it” I order roughly as she moved her hand up towards her face. Her hand flopped back down to her side and she lay there panting as I got dressed.

“Rave are you done, can I come in” Cain shouted though the door.

“It’s alreet we done” I shouted back not giving a thought to the naked girl on the bed as Cain came in. He passed me a mostly empty bottle and I took a swing from what was left.

“Bring your girl and come on I have got something for her to do” he ordered me as he turned back towards the door. In the other room Sharri was on the bed, naked, her right hand had been tied to the head board by what looked like the scarf that had been around her head when she came in and she struggled to free it. Her flesh wobbled in a very enticing way as she moved, Cain laughed and she stared at the door in shock.

“No, please Cain don’t let them see me like this” she said in sexily accented English. She rolled onto her back, she was impressive, you could really see why Cain was into her. Jet black curls spilled onto her shoulders, the green of her eyes set off by the shade of her skin, you would have to say she was chubby but not in a bad way it gave some real curves to her body. Dark brown nipples sat in the middle of large, firm breast matched the swell of her hips and arse with the smaller waist giving her an hour glass look. The mass of black pubic hair hid the contrast between her light brown skin and the pinkness inside her slit from which Cain’s cum dripped.

“Ssshhhh lass you have to learn to enjoy yourself” he said then turning to the brunette “I have made quite a mess, go clean her up.” She didn’t need to be told twice as she climbed onto the bed and ran her hands along the girl’s legs, white skin on brown, as she spread the girl. She leaned into the girl crotch extending her tongue, Sharri gave a little whimper just before the brunette made contact, and then the brunette went to work. I passed the bottle back to Cain and settled down to watch to show...

The girls left about a hour later, the brunette had worked hard to lick and suck Cain cum out of Sharri cunt and had then brought the deeply embarrassed girl to a screaming climax using her tongue and fingers. The brunette had achieved her own orgasm for the night by fucking the restrained girl’s face and lips until her skinny little body convulsed violently. It had been fun to watch and even more fun when Cain made Sharri admit, much to her shame, that she had enjoyed it before letting her go.

Cain and I sat and talk gang politics, about how we were going to have to clip the Burned Stars wings when the summer wars started up again, as the girl got dressed and left. We moved on to fast Eddy’s ambitions as we went to leave, Cain was getting more and more worried that Eddy wasn’t just making a run at Mark but Bob as well, he had started talking of dealing with Eddy as Bob never would which worried me. Not that I didn’t think Eddy needed killing but he was still Bob’s blood and in a fight between Cain and Bob I had no idea who’s side I would be on, it was the first time I started to think about loyalty to anything other than the gang. I often wonder how my life would have changed if that night had gone differently, so much changed, so much that could have been done if I had just sat there all night but we didn’t we left.

Once out the door the cold air hit me driving some of the alcohol fuelled fogginess from my brain. The floor was slick with frost as we walked down the street. I didn’t see the stone but a window above our heads exploded as it hit, a lad of about twelve stood just in front of us panting wildly and then he turned and ran.

“Get the scrag” Cain yelled and we set off after him, our feet slipping as we accelerated. If we had been sober we may have ask who in the right mind would throw something at us, we would have seen the colour of his skin or something and wouldn’t have go charging after him but we were drunk so we did. I pulled in front of Cain and whopped with joy as I saw the lad take a turn down a dead end. I skidded to a stop as I saw what was waiting for us at the end.

The lad ran past six other, older and bigger, all with Islamic looking and they spread out to meet us. I almost laughed, coming of me and Cain with only six was very light, odds of 3 on 1 unless they were very good the where fucked. Then I saw the glint of metal in one of their hands that sobered me up far quicker than any amount of cold air, I felt the adrenaline buzz under my skin as I took in the blades each of them where holding. The little hiss Cain gave showed he had seen them too, I heard the small crunch in the frost behind me, I didn’t take my eyes off those in front of me but I felt the ones move in behind closing the trap, at least four of them. 5 on 1 when they have blades is far worse odds but I wasn’t going to go down easy, giving voice to my rage I charged at the nearest to me.

Cain let out his own war cry behind me. Once a blade was involved the where no rules among the gangs, and even if they had been they wouldn’t have covered them, so this was going to get messy. The blade flicked out towards me, moving far too slowly in my red tunnelled world, my hand snatched his forearm out of mind air twisting it painfully as I smashed into his body driving him back a few steps. I wanted to finish him fast so I brought my knee up between his legs, he grunted in pain a leaned forward exposing his head. I threw a massive right hook into his temple making his head snap sideways, you want to put someone down side on impact is the way, and his leg crumpled under him.

I took what I could from my rage letting it give me speed and strength that these people couldn’t understand but I had to be careful, I had to push down the red mist that wanted me to unleash to ripe and rend them all. But the where to many targets, too much danger, to get locked in, to attack without thought for myself, would have been suicide.

I felt an impact on my left tight, like a punch, but I felt the blade as it was pulled out of my flesh. The evil grin on the face of the lad with the bloody blade faded when I turned on him. He swung it again and I stepped inside the arc trapping his arm under mine, my hand grabbed at his face my thumb finding the soft spot of his eye and push down. He howled with a sound that had very little human in it and tried to pull away stretching his arm. I moved my arm back and drove my palm into his elbow watching it fold up the wrong way and he feel back whimpering.

I felt the movement behind me and moved to the side sharply the knife still slashing a bloody line across my upper arm and then the weight hit me on the back. His arm came around to try and choke me so I forced my chin down to protect my throat. He reversed the grip on his knife and tried to bring it back at my chest so I had to grab his wrist. Another one came at me from the front blade held high, I push my weight into the lad behind, and I lashed out with my leg. My boot connected with his knee cap with a resounding crack and his whole leg buckled under him in an odd direction. I stopped his screaming by lashing out again at his face, breaking his jaw and sending teeth and blood flying, so he could barely mew as he hit the floor.

The distraction had brought the blade of the lad at my back far closer to my chest. I leaned my head to the side finding an exposed area of skin at his wrist and bit down hard. The hot copper tang of his blood filled my mouth sending a new spike of adrenalin running through my body. I brought my teeth together slicing off a chunk of flesh from his forearm, I pushed his knife away with easy and I brought my elbow hammering back into his ribs feeling bones break and scrap under the impact. He was done and I shrugged him off with pitiful easy and spun away lashing out wildly. My fist connected with something solid as I spat the bloody flesh from my mouth. I came up with my back to the wall searching for a fresh target.

Suddenly there movements changed, they drag their down friends up and ran for it. I counted 13 of them and was pleased to see that not one of them looked whole. I laughed with contempt at their cowardice and moved to set off after them, the sudden shock of pain in my leg stopped me and I took in the steady flow of blood spreading down my right arm and left leg. I turn to look for Cain to make some dumb joke about it which froze on my lips when I saw him. He was on his knees, head bent down to his chest, a vivid red line running down his face, his hands pressed into his stomach covered in dark blood. I ran over to him letting him fall back into my cradling him gently. He looked up and smiled weakly.

“Rave... Rave I think... they got me”

“Nay, you will be fine, it takes more than this to bring big bad Cain down, we just get you up that’s all” My words came out fast and high, I sounded as young as I was.

“Rave my stash...”

“Fuck! Don’t tell me that, we just get you to the hospital and you will be fine” I started to lift him up and he grabbed me by the back of my head.

“Listen you fuck... My stash, it is the roof above the left hand cupboard in my room, it is a metal lock box, the key it stuck to the underside of the bottom draw in my desk. See to it, make sure it gets to the right places” he let his hand fall from my head “and the is some stuff under my bed that you could make sure my mum doesn’t find there’s a good kid”

“Don’t worry I’ll see to it... but it won’t come to that. Come on get on your feet we need to get moving.” He was very pale, he coughed and blood flecked his lips, but I still pulled him to his feet. There was a wet, warm squelch as I put weight on my left foot that was a bad sign. Tiny droplets of blood feel from my finger tips in a steady patter, as each hit the frozen ground they spread though the frost making little crimson flowers. Slowly leaving a trail of blood behind me I half dragged Cain back towards the main streets.

I don’t remember much about the ride in the ambulance, blood loss and the adrenalin crash where working hard to put me to sleep, but the men were much more worried about Cain than me. The hospital where too, they patch me up and gave my fluids, I had been there before they all knew my name, but Cain was rushed in to theatre to try and put him back together. By the time the sun rose it was apparent they had failed. They kept me in for observation and I had the morning no commenting a pair of police. They had a second go at opening up Cain failed again.

It was mid afternoon when I went to see him, Cain was still alive but he was done living, the row of machines did all his living for him, it was only a matter of time until they were turned off and Cain died. I sat a watched him for a long time through a window as he lay unmoving unable to think what to do next, a world without Cain in it was something I couldn’t get my head around. It was here that Amy found me.

“What are you doing out of bed?” she asked.

“Just see my friend here” I said. She walked over to me and ran her hand down my cheek, for a second I let her stroke me and then I brushed off her hand.

“What are you doing, anyone could see”

“And why should we care, Taz doesn’t need the cover right now and if he does there are a dozen girls who would be more than willing, Why can’t we be together.” She snapped at me.

“Because I am a bad man” I shot back “and you have a chance. You are smart, you do well in school, your family aren’t flat broke, and me and Taz are going to keep the gang from hurting you. You have a chance to get out of this hell hole and make something of yourself. I am a bad man, I hurt Faye and I will hurt you, and I can’t pull you down with me.”

“You could get out with me, you could do anything”

“No I couldn’t, I once told Faye you need a miracle to get out of here and I am going to need a fucking big one.” I nodded towards the still form of Cain “That is when I will end up, if I am lucky, that or a cell. I can live with that, I will make the best of it, but I WILL not pull you down with me.” I turned and limped away.

“Where are you going” she shouted at my back.

“To do what I best, I am going to bad things”

The first thing I did was to see to Cain’s last wishes, I found his stash and took care of it. I leave about half of his cash on the kitchen table for his family it was quite a large amount.

I would like to say that I did want I did next out of rage or that I was emotionally disturbed at the time but in truth I wasn’t. It was a cold, calculated response to an attack on the gang, I was sure that Bob would retaliate against the immigrants in general, that is what the gangs did, but I was going to do something more personal. If I had thought for a second that I could leave a dozen bodies across the estate I would have killed them all but even then that would have brought some real police interest. Still once I found who was responsible for this someone was going to die.

We had given as good as we got and hunting down a badly hurt Immigrant was easy but after that it got harder. They had used a chain for recruitment, each one only know who had found them and who they had found, sure they had seen the others but they had no idea which one had started the chain. Not one of them gave up the names they knew easily, let’s just say I learnt much about human limits, one of them took all the pain I could inflict but broke fast once I started stripping his sister, everyone has a breaking point you just have to find where to apply pressure. I had to go through 7 of them but in the end I found where the orders had come from.

He was Sharri uncle and hadn’t been there himself but he had got the first two lads on bored with it. This was to do with Cain and Sharri and “Honour”. The sad thing is that at the time if he had walked up to Cain and stab him I wouldn’t have had a problem with it, I would have understood, but the fact that he sent boys to do his dirty work made me very angry. Now I was knocking on his door, the lad I held by the scruff of the neck was in a bad way, his face was a mess, his right hand cradled protectively to his chest, the bones broken and the skin burnt, his hair was wet from where I held him below water, he had taken so much, I had done things that still scare me, but he had broken and now I was here. A voice shouted through the door in a language I didn’t understand and the lad replied in the same, I wasn’t worried he would tell him, not after all I had done. They talked for some time, the lad getting more and more desperate before I heard the locks being opened.

“Good Paki” I said and then drove his head hard into the door frame and it swung open. I rammed my shoulder into the door forcing it open, clenching my teeth against the wave of pain in my leg, and I pushed forwards into the flat. The man before me was not hurt, if he had acted then it could have gone the other way, but I was a good decade younger than him and I was a fighter. I am good with a blade and can swing a blunt instrument with an art but when you get right down to it I am best with my fists. I put him down hard.

The is a Russian process that even those mad dogs only talked about in whispers it is pronounces something like Zombatch but I was never quite sure of that. It involved breaking every bone in a man’s body when you kill him as a show of dominance. I had not heard of this at the time and if I had I had not the control or the patience to pull this off but what I did to that man as I kicked and kicked his fallen body was very close. I am not sure when he die, but by the end there wasn’t much left of him and I was panting, my clothes covered in blood splatter.

I didn’t bother to get clean I just left and I had one more stop that night. I bang on the door to Sharri family’s flat for almost 5 minutes before it was finally answered, the man that open it was an older version of the one I just kill. I hadn’t slept in two nights, I was in quite a bit of pain, and I was spattered in blood I looked like hell and the terror on his face show it. “Your brother is dead, I am here for the girl” and I push my way in. The where two boys in the flat also but they didn’t try and stop me as I got Sharri from her room. Her face was a mass of bruises and the way she moved suggested the where more under her clothes, she had been crying. A woman sobbed as I took her out, she tried to grab hold of us but one of the boys pulled her away. With the state Sharri was in if I had anything left that I wasn’t using to stand up I would have hurt those men. Holding Sharri hand I limped out of the flat. Outside the block I handed her a bag.

“What’s in it?” she asked.

“New papers Cain got for you, good ones as far as I can’t tell, a couple of changes of clothes, about 10 grand in cash, and a train ticket to London for the morning. Just what you need to run away”

“I... I can’t they will hunt me down”

“Maybe but your uncle is dead, your father is scared shitless, and you have a whole new you inside that bag. You can leave now and try for something better or you can stay here, go back up there, and see how many more beating you take before you HAVE to run away. It is up to you but I would run away and never look back.” I turned and started to walk away.

“Why don’t you” she called after me “why don’t you run away” I stopped.

“I have no where better to go” I never saw Sharri again. I got home and washed the blood from my skin and made a mental note to burn my clothes and went to sleep for a long time.

Four day later the buried Cain, the gash to his face made it a closed casket which suited me. As the night before I had done a little breaking and entering to pay my last respects. Cain had had some things in his stash that he would have beat the hell out of me if he had found out I had them. Cain had had the photo of everyone he had killed, we didn’t take trophies but Cain had kept them, a stiletto switch blade, a set of knuckles with wicked sharp spikes, and enough E for a mid size rave. He was buried with all of it and in full war paint, he always liked Vikings and I am sure he would have like to be buried ready for battle with his weapons and his hoard. I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as they lowered him down.

I didn’t know how much one man’s death could change things but I knew things would never be the same.
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