i'm pretty much frustrated sexually and i know alot of it has to do with my abuse so im just going to write it here so i can stop creeping my boyfriend out with my dirty bedroom talk and roleplaying
It was the night before my first day of pre-kindergarten, and i was 4, about to turn 5. My dad was gone, So that left me, my 8-year old sister, Loraine and my mom homeless because she never kept a job and we ended up living with my grandmother in her trailer with my two uncles also.
My mom was a white trash nutcase and my dad was a dirty, ignorant mexican who she married for money and so he could be legal. So with this outcome i had jet black eyes that slanted upwards and olive skin with stick straight mahogany colored hair. My sister never met her dad, but she was the pretty version of my mother, except her blonde hair were in beautiful spirals, and not shaggy and tangly, like mommys. I was always told by strangers that i was an exotic beauty, but i always thought i was ugly because that’s what i was always told by my family who were all pale with blonde hair and blue eyes. My looks were just one more reason why i hated myself. from an early age. I had a make believe self that was full white with pretty golden blonde curls, cute red lips, and big blue eyes. She was even prettier than my sister.
Well i was in my usual spot with my sister on the floor next to the couch my mother was sleeping on when all of the sudden i was rudely shaken awake. I opened my eyes and realized that it was my uncle James. I suddenly became frightened and scooted away from him as much as possible, all the way up to the TV. stand. You see, my uncle hated my guts, he was a big man who was never too shy to find some way to hurt of humiliate me. Once i had actually had a friend(probably the only one during those years) and he made me stick my tongue in dog shit in front of her, needless to say that went around to the neighborhood kids in no time and spread like wildfire. It quickly ended any possibility of me having a functional relationship with any other children. My face was probably forced into at least 10 piles of shit that summer, in one instance a pile compiled by the neighborhood boys' own feces. I was so glad when they finally got bored with me. I already had 2 strikes against me from the start. One being that i was the daughter of an "idiot retard"(what he called her), and two, that i was mixed, so he often called me the nigger baby( even though i was half mexican, in James book if you werent white, then you were nigger). Well after a long moment of silence of him just staring at me in which I was sure he was thinking especially hard on how to torture me this time, I was taken off guard when in a sort of nice but slurred voice he asked, "Dana, would you like to watch cartoons with me?". Too scared to say no to him and equally confused, i couldn't gather myself enough to speak the word yes, so i just simply and slowly nodded my head yes. with wide eyes, I followed him, waiting for whatever trick he had up his sleeve next. He helped me up and led me over to the couch and turned the TV. on and the volume down so not to wake anyone else up. Not knowing what to do next i just stood there. He finally laughed at my awkwardness and pulled me over by my hips next to him our thighs touching. He put his arm around me and stroked my hair with another. He leaned in close and i could smell the stench of whiskey on him. He told me that he thought i was beautiful and really enjoyed watching cartoons with me, that we should do it more often. At first i was uncomfortable with all the affection he was giving me, but after hearing those words, i really thought he loved me. I was on cloud nine. He started moving his hand further down and eventually into my nightgown and started rubbing my chest and fingering my little still-inverted nipples with his big fat hands. I thought it was strange but didn't really care. maybe he loved me so much now that thats our special way of hugging. He then moved his hand out and put it on my back and began rubbing it. He slowly started easing his hand down till his fingers eventually made their way to the tip of my little butt crack which he started to rub back and forth with his finger through my nightgown. He then told me to get up and he pulled my nightgown up to where it was scrunched around my waist and he told me to sit back down. I wasnt really sure why he did it but i willingly obeyed. He then put his hand back on my buttcrack but this time underneath my nightgown and then eventually sliding his fingers into my little cotton barney panties. He started moving his finger back and forth faster and began nudging one of his sausagey fingers into the opening of my tiny little butthole. i quickly winced from the pressure and slight pain. He then leaned into me and told me to be still. He finally left my butthole alone and slid his fingers further up to my little pussy lips. He began fondling me and i was so grateful that he left my tiny anus alone that i actually scooted closer so he would have better access. I didn’t know what he was doing was wrong, I just knew that it felt funny and that I was just so happy he was being nice to me that i sat like a good little girl and let him do whatever he pleased with me. He then told me to be a good girl and go wake my sister up, that it was her “turn”. A slight twinge of jealousy came over me for a second, but then I chucked it up and with a little bit of a hop to my step, I went to go get her too. After a while I looked over and saw that tears were streaming down her cheeks and his hand was in her panties. After a bout a minute his other hand crept over to between my thighs and I widened my legs for him and scooted closer so that he could better touch my peepee. I realized that he was touching both our peepees at the same time and I began to wonder if he was trying to figure out whos felt the prettiest. I pang of anger seeped into me and I realized that Loraine would win because she always wins when anything that has to do with pretty. I was glad she was crying, I hoped that right now he was sticking his finger in her tight little asshole. All of the sudden she began to sob loudly and tried to get up and almost made it when he hurried up and grabbed her by her panties which made her fall forward and into a harsh faceplant. He sat her back downand held her by her face and told her to shut the fuck up if she knew what was good for her. She finally quieted down and this time he put one of his heavy legs over one of hers then pushed her down to where her back was on the couch and bent sideways. I chose not to look then on, because I knew she had won once again, and that I was left their to exist in the background once again. Then out of her sniffles Loraine let out a loud scream and I looked over but I couldn’t see anything but her panties around her ankles which were now completely on the couch and from what I could tell held together and her knees completely spread but that’s all I could see because James was blocking the rest of the middle of her body. He was shaking really hard in scary jerking movements and suddenly I felt sorry for wishing he would hurt her. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I knew it was way beyond poking at her butt hole with his finger, so I got up to try and help her when all of the sudden a force knocked me back onto the couch. I realized that it was my mother and she pushed him off of her and kept screaming “not my baby, Not my baby!” She carried her off to the restroom and my granny was up also and was cussing him out and yelling about how dirty he was and what fuck was wrong with him? How could he? Then she looked at me with squinted eyes and a disguisted look on her face and cold as December asked, “Did you not put out, you little devil?“ I was terribly confused by that question and even more scared that I must have been told to do something and had forgotten. I knew I would be punished severely, especially since my sister got hurt because of it. She told me to get the hell out of her house and go find a car to jump in front of. I was terrified, confused and crying profusely. I knew surely she couldn’t be serious, I was only five years old and it was probably 2 or 3 in the morning. She began to yell at me and started pushing me towards the door when all of the sudden Uncle James grabbed me and picked me up and told her that I could sleep with him tonight in his room and he would make sure I was a “good girl” this time. I had no idea what he meant and quickly panicked. I was deathly afraid of hime doing the same thing he did to Loraine to me. I began to yell for my mommy, but of course she never came, I just figured that since she did it for Loraine, she might be moved to help me too. When we reached his room, he put me down and shut the door, I quickly bolted for the nearest corner and crouched into a little ball and tried to disappear into a happier place. He began laughing at me and his hand reached for my chin and he forced me to look up at him and simply said, “Dana, don’t you remember I love you?, I wouldn’t hurt you”. He then sat down on the bed and motioned me over and asked me to help him take his boots off. I slowly walked over and obeyed. He told me to get on my knees so i could better untie them. i had just started when i heard him say dryly, "your mouth". I didn’t understand what he meant so i pretended i didnt hear him. All of the sudden my world became hot flashes of red white and pain. I was on my side when i realized that he had kicked me in my face. "I said use your fucking mouth whore!' I was so scared that i had crawled into the fetal position to protect myself as best as i could. He easily broke that by grabbing my foot out from under me and flipped me over. My nightgown was scrunched around my tummy and my beloved cotton barney panties were showing. He horridly ripped them off and forced my legs open with pain shooting between my inner thighs, that forced me forward and try and bring them back to gether. He grabbed my hand and yelled at me to look up at him. I finally did and i realized that he was holding his hand over my peepee and threatening to spank it if i didn't get it right this time. I had never been threatened with getting my peepee spanked before, iwas very confused and also wondered if it would hurt more. When daddy spanked me, he would take all my clothes off and make me bend over and “check to see if I was wiping good enough”, he would smell his fingers and lick them sometimes and decide whether or not I was a dirty girl that needed extra spankings. But that’s as close as I had ever gotten. He let me get back to my knees and finish my job. It hurt like hell but I eventually got his boots unlaced with my mouth. He started patting my head and told me I was a good girl. I felt disgusting, like his dog, like when the neighborhood boys pulled my pants and panties down and started rubbing one of their dogs on me, one of the older ones even took a picture of it and passed it around on my sisters bus. She gave me hell over that for a while, I wasn’t even in school yet and already ruining her reputation. I didn’t know what they were doing but they were all laughing and spitting on me. That’s how I felt then and sometimes now during sex… but that’s for another time and place. Well he told me to get up so I picked my head up only to find that I was face to face with his hugh fat cock. He obviously thought it was amusing because he started laughing and pulled it back and let it slap me in the face. He then told me to open my mouth and suck on it like a lollipop(to this day that phrase just sends chills down my spine). I immediately became frightened because I knew that that was his boy peepee and I thought he was trying to get me to open my mouth so he could pee in it. I had no idea that this was sexual at all. I started crying hysterically(through my abuse I had picked up some pretty bad habits to help me cope and one of them was a fear of germs- I literally thought I would die if his filthy stinking urine entered my mouth). I immediately tried to make a run for it as if it was for my life, but he caught me before I even fully got off the ground. He immediately pulled me up by my hair and positioned me face to face with him. He then grabbed one of my little pussy lips and started twisting it menacingly as I hollered in pain. He let go after a few seconds and put his hand over my mouth and told me that if I thought that hurt, wait until he sticks his dick in it. I was frightened and confused by his words. He said he would make sure that I got it right this time and lowered me down by pushing my shoulders down and still holding onto my hair. I was terrified, it was so disgusting and big and it stank. I began to slowly stick my tongue out and quickly licked the side of his peehole and then put my tongue back in my mouth and sealed it shut. I was hoping that he had finally realized that he had tortured me enough for whatever it was that I had done wrong and that getting a beating and licking his boy peepee was punishment enough. Well needless to say, my hopes got dashed when he grabbed the back of my head and put me face to dick. He told me in a stern voice to open my mouth and stick it in. I shakily did as I was told with him pushing my head forward. He kept shoving my face forward but it was getting painful because my mouth wasn’t big enough for the head to fit in it. I felt like my mouth was on fire and that my lips were tearing. I was horrified and trying to push away from the pain with my hands against his inner thighs. He grabbed one of my hands with his free hand and forced me to massage something squishy and hairy. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and did the unthinkable. I bit him. He let out a yelp and let go of my hand a slapped me really hard and sent me flying backwards. I quickly gathered my senses and began o get up to run when he caught me and pinned me down and began cursing me and hitting me, if iwasnt going to die from his blows, I knew for sure that it would be from being crushed to death by all his weight on top of me. Everything was getting blurry and dark and I felt really hot, at this point I no longer had the energy to scream or cry or even open my mouth. He got off of me and flipped me over and it was then that I realized that I was in a pool of my own blood, I was in a dazed panic and all I could make out was the rusty frame of his bed that was right in front of me. I couldn’t make out what he was saying when all of the sudden he began to spread my buttocks and I started to feel that pressure again and then a sharp pain and really strong urge to poop, but I couldn’t. I realize now that he was fingering my tiny anus in an attempt to stretch it before he tried to fuck me in it. I somehow managed to let out a little yelp and cough up a “mommy”, as you could tell, I was getting desperate now. I felt miserable and was just wishing I would hurry up and die when I suddenly heard a big bang and it was my mother, and she was holding something big and black in her hand and she lunged at my uncle with it. She hurried up and picked me up off the floor and we left and never came back, well wouldn’t say never, but not for a very long time. I felt guilty for the longest time about leaving my sister behind, especially when I got older realized exactly what happened. But anyways, we ended up staying at my moms “boyfriend’s” for awhile. She washed me up and gave me what im guessing was 2 pain pills. We snuggled together and she held me like I couldn’t remember she ever had. She told me she loved me and began stroking my hair and kissing me, she stroked my swollen little pussy lips and asked if it still hurt down there, tears welling up in my eyes, I gave a truthful nod. She then began gently massaging my prepubescent pussy lips. Her kisses began to turn to soft and warm suckling on my ear as she whispered how much she loved me and apologized for everything. My pain wasn’t near as bad now, especially after she said all those things. I was on cloud nine. I felt like I was finally truly loved. I looked up at her and thanked her and told her I loved her too. I then happily melted away into dreamland.