On April 15,2005 I became the person I've always wanted to be. I had just arrived at my parents house for dinner and decided it was the right time to tell them. As you can imagine coming out of the closet on your sister's birthday can be a party crasher. I couldn't continue living a lie. My mother greeted me with the usual hug and a kiss on the cheek. Same routine for the past few years. My father on the other hand just nodded his head and said hello. We've never really been as close as I hoped we would. I grew up in a wealthy Asian family with high expectations and some things just didn't go as planned. I've been away from home for about a year, so it was a little silent at first. Well that was until my mom started crying. I understand being that her only son was a complete failure.
Dinner wasn't any better than the greetings. Silence through most of the meal, but then my sister decided it was a good time to talk about her career. My sister is just now 28 and she is the president at a law firm, married, and has a daughter. She's very little with a petite figure, long straight black hair, big brown eyes, bright smile, and she resembled mostly my father who wasn't a bad looking man for his age. I have always been a mama's boy, i think mainly because i looked like her. So different from my sister. I had blue eyes, brown hair, feminine features, perfect bone structure, soft lips, and my body shape was slim but with a little muscular. Not to mention i was in a rock band instead of going to college and pursuing a career. So the subject of work was always an argument starter. " Tashinaku, why haven't you found a wife?" my father asked sounding like one of those old senses from a traditional Asian film.
" I go by Aiden now dad"
" That is not the name your mother and I gave you so I will not call you by that name"
" what have you done to yourself? tattoos and piercings? Who do you think you are?"
" well, what question should I answer first?"
" you have some nerve talking to me like that"
" I don't even know why I bother showing my face here anymore. You can't stand that I'm not perfect and I can't stand that your my father."
" then it works out for the both of us because I hate you being my son"
" do you want to know why I'm not getting married dad?"
" you're getting married! End of discussion!"
" I'm not getting married because I'm gay!"
" what did you just say?"
" now you don't understand me?"
" no son of mine will be a homosexual"
" then I won't be your son. Dad I love you but i can't-" I said beginning to cry. I can't believe it has come to this. I wish it hadn't gone that far, but if that's how it has to be then I have to deal with It. I hate that he can't except me for who I am. Wiping the tears from my eyes I look at my father. " Do you wish I was dead?" I asked. His answer was a slap across the face. A hard blow and a stinging left cheek was all that was needed. " I love you too dad" I said with a smile. If I never see him again I just wanted him to know that.
I walk down the street with a guitar on my back and five dollars in my pocket. It's been raining hard for almost four days.Though i have no where to go and I'm soaked from head to toe I, still can't help but feel happy. I'm free to live the life that I want. " Tashinaku!" I heard someone yell. My sister is running down the street. " Go back home Xira!" I yell. It's raining so hard I can't even see her face, but I know she's right in front of me. Our voices are muffled my the pounding of the rain so it was hard to talk without yelling. " Why are you being like this?" she asked.
" being like what? I'm being myself"
" you're hurting the family"
" you wouldn't understand"
" i wouldn't understand?"
" no" I said simply and started down the street again. I felt bad leaving her there in the rain, but I have to do what makes me happy.
The rain has slowed down and it became cold. I remember a night quite like this back in my childhood, the day I found out I was gay. I was a thirteen year old virgin waiting to find the perfect girl. Back then I was a good kid and did what I was told, so it seemed. The house I grew up in was a large white house with columns and big hallways. I remember getting lost in them and running around until I found my mother or sister. It was raining much like it is now but that day seemed different, it was too quiet. I walked down into the kitchen looking for my mom and I only seen Kashima, a kid from down the street. He was poor and lonely so my mother let him play at our house alot. We never really were friends but I thought I should be nice to him, so I let him come up to my room. He was quiet at first until we started playing video games and talking about school. I noticed he never really said much about girls, around that time I never would have taught anything. After a while we got bored and started walking around the house. We entered one of the many bedrooms and found something we didn't expect. One of our housekeepers had a large porn collection, and being thirteen year old boys that sparked our interest. I picked up a DVD that was black and didn't have a case. " what do you think is on this one?" Kashima asked. Without answering him I took him back to my room and put it in the DVD player. Something was turning in my stomach, it gave me the feeling of being nervous. The movie started playing and right away two men where on the screen kissing and jerking each others cocks. They looked so big on the screen, even though i wasn't lacking in anything. I look over and seen Kashima laying on my bed with his hands in his shorts. I wasn't really into guys, but it started to turn me on. Not knowing what to do I just followed my instincts and did whatever came to mind. I started rubbing my own cock through my jeans. I looked over once again and climbed on top of the bed. Unbuttoning my jeans I opened Kashima's legs and leaned in and kissed him. To my surprise he didn't pull away, and neither did I. Now we're kissing passionately as i reach my hand under him and squeeze his ass. He felt better than any of the girls I've made out with, because i knew i wanted him. The room became hot with passion and lust. Our tongues rolling and exploring each others mouths. I unbutton his shorts and slide my hands in the back, his ass was so firm. We never broke the kiss. He rolled on top of me and pulled me close, still making out we started pressing our bulges against each other. I rocked my hips and he started grinding against me. But our fun was soon over because Kashima was being called downstairs by his mother.
" I have to go"
" it's fine" i said so horny i couldn't breath.
" Mom I'm coming! sorry"
" like i said it's fine"
" I'll come over tomorrow during the dinner party. I hope to see you there." when he said that something wandered in my mind. why was i so attracted to him? I've never wanted to look at a man let alone touch and grind against one. Just thinking about it was making me ache in my pants. He kissed me one more time and ran downstairs.
I never seen him after that, and somehow i regret not looking for him. Knowing what I'm giving up being gay sometimes makes me rethink my life. A wife and kids is something i would love. But i love men and i can't seem to get over them. " umm hello? Sir your bus is here" someone said. I turn and see a man standing under the bus stop smoking.
"I'm not waiting for the bus so you can go ahead"
" I'm not waiting for the bus either"
" then why are you under the bus stop?"
" I'm enjoying the weather" he said causing both of us to chuckle a little. The weather has been so muggy lately, it would be hard to find enjoyment.
" so what's your name kid?"
" that doesn't sound Japanese"
" that's because it's not"
" what's your real name?" he asked. I'm not sure why i feel like i can trust him. I don't even know him.
" that's a nice name, why didn't you just say that the first time?"
"I really didn't plan on continuing the conversation"
"OK, i don't believe you"
" i have to go"
" no you don't" after that last statement from him i walked away. I only made it a few blocks down the street when i heard him yelling my name. He ran up behind me and i stood there with my back twords him waiting for him to say something. The rain begins to pour again and i feel him pressing against me. I turn around and see him looking at me. Then he begins to smile. " Tashinaku"
" aren't you going to ask for my name? that's a bit rude don't you think?"
" fine! what's your name?"
" Mikashi" he said. He seemed charming yet arrogant. The smile was a bit creepy though. I just turned around once again and kept going. I didn't know where i was going but i knew i was leaving. He put his coat around me and enclosed his hands around mine. In japan no one asks questions when two men hold hands. Pulling me in a different direction than what i planed on going, he took me to a large apartment building. Other than the smile he seemed strait. " I'm gay" I said making sure he understands.
" Are you? hmm"
" well are you?"
" aren't you coming inside?"
"are you going to answer me?"
"i don't care if you're gay"
" but are you gay?"
" do you want to discuss this standing outside of my apartment? or do you want to come inside and i can show you if I'm gay or not" he said still covering up a question with another question. To be honest his reply shocked me. Is he bi? These days you never know.
His apartment was very clean and well decorated. I guess if you go by gay stereotypes he fits the profile, but sometimes you really need something to confirm it. He lit some candles and poured some whine for the both of us. Charming. Maybe too charming. It makes me wonder what he expects of me. " have you ever been in a relationship with a man?" he asked. The truth would have been aside from occasional fucks in a tour bus or four ways with some college kids the answer is no. " Yes, but that was a long time ago" i said. I had to lie. Right? It's not like i was being interrogated, he was just asking simple questions.
"Was it love?"
" I'd like to think so. What about you? Have you ever been in love?"
" many times"
" really?" i asked pretending to be surprised.
" what is that supposed to mean?"
" nothing...ummm men or women?"
" I'll get to that later" he said once again. What is he hiding? I don't like men with too many secrets. He's beginning to frustrate me. The straight guy playing the gay guy thing always bugged me. Then again, i don't really know if he's straight. I'm just judging off of what i see. He sat down and just looked at me. I didn't know what to say. "Come here" he said. I slid over a little. I guess he didn't like the distance between us because he pulled me closer. So close i could smell the manly aftershave and cologne.
Just another long silent minuet that seemed like forever. Maybe I'll never be satisfied with my life. This man's charisma is killing me, but i can't find it in myself to talk to him openly. " look Mikashi..." I began to say.
"Just-" whatever i was going to say it wasn't important. Mikashi cut me off with a kiss. It was long and tasteful. For a second i hated him. Was he gay or just playing with me? The kiss didn't stop, it never even paused or slowed down. Then suddenly he pulled away. " I frustrate you" he said.
" what? you think i was yelling because i was happy?"
"well? how do you feel now?" he asked with a smile.
" i know you would" i can't really recall what he said after that, because we couldn't stop laughing. The most absurd things he would say at the worst moments. " Tashinaku" he said again. This time he look serious. He stood up and walked over to a door to the left of the couch. Sliding it over he said " come here". Being obedient i got up and followed him into what seemed to be his Shinshitsu (bedroom). I was beginning to be uncomfortable. " Mikashi..before we...i just....you have to tell me if your gay or not"
"why does it matter?"
"because? because why?"
" it matters to me ok, I'm the gay boy who's being seduced by a man who's possibly straight"
" how are you not understanding?"
" you ask a lot of questions" he said not answering any of them. He laid down on the bed and motioned me to come over to him. What the hell. I might as well get some fun out of it. I crawled on top of the bed that was covered in dark blue silk sheets and smelt strange. A mixture of fresh cut grass and leather. What did he do for a living?
As i moved up closer to the top of the bed, my heart started beating furiously. I felt as if it was going to break through my chest. I'm usually not attracted to this type of guy. He laid his head back on a pillow and smiled at me. He looked like such a creep. A sexy creep. The kind that pull you in with their eyes and never let you go. " Tashinaku" he whispered.
"come here" he swallowed hard and pulled me in.
" i have to know"
" know what?" he said seeming disappointed.
" Are you gay or not?"
" what difference does it matter what sexuality i am? If two people are attracted that's all that matters"
"who said I'm attracted to you?"
"haha ok, if you weren't attracted to me you wouldn't have came up here with me" that much was true, but deep inside i needed to know. I don't want to start having feelings for someone i don't know. Sometimes sex does that to people. People like me.
Mikashi looked like a sad puppy. I hate things like that. He leaned in closer, too close. The smell of him was slowly turning me on. Just inches from my lips I swallowed hard and prepared myself for the worst. His lips just barely brushed against mine, but it was enough to send shivers through my body. I tried to move back but he grabbed me and forced his lips against mine. The wanting surged through me like lightning. As he sucked my bottom lip he slowly moved on top of me. I could feel him hardening against me. Pushing against my hip. I could no longer deny how much I wanted this man, because my own situation was now standing at attention. We kissed like hungry animals wanting to feast on each other. I moaned slightly as his tongue slipped into my mouth. I've never been so turned on. I began rolling my hips and slightly grinding against him. Mikashi kissed down my neck and pulled my shirt over my head, before taking off his own. His body was so defined. Muscles sketched perfectly moving under thin layers of skin. In the small amount of light he looked almost Godlike. Strong shoulders and tight muscular Abs. I had the urge to use the tip of my tongue and trace every crease and corner of his body.
Body pressed against mine, skin to skin. Mikashi reaches below me and grabs my ass. His strong hands squeeze and fondle as I slowly get the courage to unbutton his jeans. Still kissing I slip my hand past the waistline of his briefs and grabbed a hold of his manhood. He moaned slightly as I stroked his cock, causing his breath to become deep and shallow. " Oh fuck, ssss I want you right now" He moaned. I couldn't help roll over on my stomach and grind my ass against the bulge in his pants. He grabbed my hips and grinded back. Pushing hard against me, I thought the fabric would tear. Rolling my ass in circles and pushing back against him. Mikashi reached around me and undid my pants. His hand slipped into my girl panties. I always wear them. Suddenly he stops and tells me to stand up. I did obediently. He took my pants and panties off, pressed the panties to his nose and inhaled deeply. Fetish? I slowly got down on my knees in front of him and stared into his eyes. The lust I seen made the room go cold. Hungrily almost animalistic I sucked in his dick. His eyes shot open and he dropped the girl panties. Resting his hands on my shoulders, I shove his cock down my hot throat. The sounds coming from him were almost pleading whimpers. I pulled out and rolled my tongue around the head and down the shaft. He began gripping the sheets on the bed. Suddenly he grabbed my head and stopped me. Pulling me up onto the bed and kissed me again. With more passion and lust than before. He laid me on the bed and kissed down my body.
I want this man. I want him badly. The urge and thrill to fuck this total stranger. Something I'm used to, but he seems different. He's bobbing his head up and down on my cock. Taking in more than I expected. He's done this before. His technique and his skill could only come from experience. "Fuck me now" I commanded. He rolled me over and I pushed my ass up into the air. SMACK! Pain shot through my ass and I yelped out. Before I could protest he did it again. SMACK! Oh fuck! Keep going! No stop! What's happening? I've never gotten pleasure from this sort of thing. I felt something hot and wet on my hole. His tongue was sliding in and out. I pushed back against it. Oh Fuck the tingles running through my body are so powerful. He rolls his tongue around my puckering whole and slowly pushes his index finger inside. A second finger slid in. More. More! I can take more! Three fingers deep in my ass. I'm moaning uncontrollably now. His fingers pull out and I feel the tip of his cock pressing against my hole. " give it to me" I command. He presses forward and shoves in his length. Fuck I felt so full.
We started out slow. A slow thrust in and a slow pulling out. Why is he teasing me? This is torture. He steadied his pace. Then he pulled out completely. Right when I was going to complain he thrusted in hard. Oh fuck he was so deep. He pulled out again and thrusted in harder. He started going faster and faster. Thrusting deeper and deeper. I lean forward and bite down on the pillow. Fire burning in my stomach and mixture of pain and pleasure cause me to lose myself further. I started pushing back and meeting his thrust. The power of this mans hips are unbelievable. The ramming and smashing. I cant last too much longer. He pulls out of me and rolls me over. Fuck he's unbelievable. He pushed in further and leaned in to kiss me. Slowly now he slides in and out. Intense shivers all over in short bursts. It's so good. I want it to last forever. Harder now and faster he starts pounding my ass. " Oh fuck!" I finally screamed outloud. A low sexy growl comes from his mouth. " sssshiit I'm gonna cum" I said. This is unbelievable. I feel his cock twitch and he thrusts in one last time and hits the spot. At the same time I squirted on my neck and chest he was filling my ass with his hot sticky cum. He pulled out. POP! I love that sound. He leans in and kisses me. " It really sucks I'm straight" he says.