10 Ways to Get Laid in Oakland, California:
Practical Aid for Young Heterosexual Males with Low Income and Average Looks
By Misha Firer
1. Writing Group
Rudimentary principle of engagement (hitched to the rubric “Writing Group.” Online resources: SF Station, Craigslist.com. Also, see 6): compensate the car-less and houseless loser-hood with fluffy verbatim of cult authors’ prophecies inspired by their consumption of lysergic acid diethylamide. Image: benign undiscovered genius. Dress code: shabby, but elegant. Don narrow-framed glasses, super-gel $15 haircut, don’t shave for three days, bring double-spaced personal essay (can be shoplifted from anywhere on Internet) as introduction. Look out for real geniuses; if on the premises, find another group. Useful resource: Stanislavski Principle (available in Oakland Public Library). Meeting one: locate the post-industrial-capitalism-bashing, bashful epistolary buff. Likely candidate would be: neo-gothic, unconscious in choice of clothes, kinky, prone to bouts of ennui, or/and depression. Meeting one conclusion: set up an email exchange for innocent flirtation. Suggested authors for borrowing snappy lines: Will Self, Martin Amis, Haruki Murakami (available in English translation). Meeting two: cement the melancholic, aloof image. Impress, impress, impress. Casually invite your pick to a reading by a famous fraud in your local bookstore (Diesel on Telegraph Avenue or Barnes & Noble on Jack London Square). Later on invite to a Mexican eatery. Downplay your lack of finances. Let your date pay for you. Remark on the margins: sentimentality equals pornography. Granted, gear bullshitting (intelligently lubricated) towards parental traumas that compelled you to start writing. Further suggestion: father abandoning pregnant mother. Possibility for dramatization: finding AWOL dad years later. Take a walk. Your carefully staged aloofness has just been paid off. Your silences speak volumes. From hereon let yourself be guided. She is thoroughly enchanted. Your stoic stainless steel aura is galvanized by sudden bursts of creative inspirations. Share them, although it’s against your nature. She has been chosen. Continue along the same lines with common sense, while heading for your artist studio. Probability of getting laid that night (statistic based on the author’s and four other individuals’ experience): 88%.
2. Coffee Shop
Average starting salary: $7 per hour (fluctuates in $1 range). Expect additional income in tips (anywhere from $5 to $30 per shift). Form of payment: paychecks. Requirements for application: rudimentary ability to provide customer service; minimum IQ coefficient 60; references (complimentary, not obligatory). You will be taught to operate espresso machine (a blind from birth first-grader would be able to master) and register (computer keyboard principle). Why you should be interested: 70-80% of employees are college-age females. Warning: sexual harassment proliferates; thus if you move impulsively in your courting efforts you will lose your job. Notwithstanding: solid profligacy on the working side of counter will encourage you. That said, it is strongly recommended not to hasten tempted by proximity of boyfriend-less, faux-sophisticated females in their late teens and early twenties. Remember: God (Christian, Muslim and Jewish) rewards those who are patient. But waste no time, do your research (it is also said that God rewards those who help themselves). Compile the list of your unattached co-employees. Carefully befriend each one. Advice: read Dale Carnegie (available in all bookstores and libraries of Oakland). Learn their interests (centered on TV shows) and use that information for all its worth for your innocent flirtations. Warning: be conscious of what you say, for rumoring is the most popular entertainment there. Your choice would be: a student of anthropology struggling to shoulder the tuition bills, undecided regarding the vector of her adult life, quiet, hard-working, but perennially grumpy for she definitely deserves a better-paying job. Your relationship with the manager is impeccably congenial. Thus you arrange to work on the same shift with your pick. Recommendation: invite her for the date no sooner than the third co-shift. Invite to an inexpensive, fancy-looking restaurant. Align your life hardships with hers (college unpaid bills, uncertainties in reference to the imminent future). You are both inflicted with the same dream-shattering-cruel-fucked-up-world syndrome. Reiterating statement: excessive sentiments equal pornography. Advice: be yourself, but more so, more like her. Chances of winding up in sack after the dinner: 75% (statistic based on the author’s experience and cases of at least nine individuals). If you fail, set up next date a week hence. Spend your work time inquiring into the dating prospects with other female co-workers whilst cementing your relationship of kin spirits with your initial pick. Observation: if the second date doesn’t wind up with carnality, the chances are you have blown it.
3. “Raiders” (contributed by Chip W.)
“Raiders,” our local Oakland football team has lost -- if I’m not mistaken -- fourteen games in a row, and yet it still has a substantial number of adherents. Here, in particular, I wish to concentrate on the female group of supporters (and I don’t mean cheerleaders).
I work in a downtown office, two blocks from the Estuary. I don’t remember how exactly I heard (or overheard) this interesting piece of scoring information, but in reference to it I’m a living proof of its effectiveness.
About four years ago, when the lofts peaked in architectural fashion and high-tech boom still promised eternal profits, they built a whole bunch of them on the outskirts of downtown, near Jack London Square. After the Dot-com Bubble popped, the lofts remain largely unoccupied. Except for one three-story concrete monstrosity (102 Jackson St., corner of 3rd St), which “Raiders” team purchased in order to provide temporary accommodations for their new players. Consequently it became Mecca for chicks that want to hit with big bucks. Come Friday or Saturday night and you can see an incredible amount of chicks milling around the building, waiting to be admitted for some action.
Here’s what you have to do if you want to get a piece of action for yourself. Procure a parking permit to park on the ground floor. It’s kind of hard, but possible. I hooked up with the proprietor (a very likable Norwegian) of the “America Ground” café located on the same block and “leased” his parking spot for $200 a month.
Here’s how it works. You’re one of the “Raiders” employees. You’re dressed in your office garbs. You drive an inexpensive car, no need for anything fancy. Slowly you near the building, stop and begin to fumble in your pocket or wherever looking for the remote control to open the gates to the ground floor garage (the Norwegian would kindly provide you with once you “lease” his spot). Immediately the chicks flock to you and ask, well, basically beg you to usher them in. You say, “Come on in, but I can’t promise you anything. The guys must be booked for tonight.” But those chicks are really desperate! You have a carful of boiling hormones and in you drive.
You park at some empty spot with white print that says “Raiders’ Management” and lead them to the entrance of the building. You tell them to wait by the elevator, while you go up and talk to the guys. The girls squeal happily, while you keep your cool. For you it’s business as usual. Ten minutes later you return and say, “No luck, girls. But tomorrow for sure. There’s an important game and guys will wish to relax after it. I guarantee to get you in.” You are their guarding angel. You have chosen them for this, ahem, privilege. Thus you need payment in advance. Naturally. And the chances are you
The catch is you can fool them once, twice, then this whole gathering has its eyes on you the fraud. So it’s not a long-term thing. But for a short-term, you’ll get more than you have ever hankered for!
Locations: McArthur Park, Wednesdays 6PM; Ohlone Park Tuesdays 7PM; Piedmont High School Saturdays 12PM and Sundays 4PM. Reason: unisex teams. Level of players’ skills: zero to moderate. Requirements: very basic physical form. Ability to run: not obligatory, but complimentary. Knowledge of rules: will be taught on the premises. Equipment: sneakers, shorts, T-shirt. Cleats are encouraged. Don’t forget to bring drinking water. Tip: never forget to apologize loudly each time you lose the ball to the opposite team or inadvertently push/tackle/hit a player. Team spirit: moderate to high. Rules of engagement: just show up and articulate your wish to play. Author’s recommendation: Piedmont High School. Percentage of unattached female players: 40. Catch: you have to be 30+. Exception: two players below the age 30 are allowed for each of four teams. Complication: memorizing names of all players in your team (eleven by the rule, but the actual number varies). Why: while yelling for the “pass” it is handy to know the name of the person who currently is in the possession of the ball (also, see Dale Carnegie). Once you get a knack at the game (a less violent version of football only you use feet instead of hands), you will see how to get leverage with your female co-players. It is simple: always moon around the gates of the opposite team and wait for the ball. The person who scores the goal gets all the laurels. Average amount of goals per game from both sides: 4. Thus: double score = an absolute hero. Turn on: dribbling (ability to bypass the steam-rolling players of the opposite team), sweating (both smell and texture; T-shirt clinging to the body etc), panting (not too heavily), yelling on the run (killer line: “George, pass it on, for Christ’s sake!”). Best time to strike: on the break/at the end of the game. Quality of the female players: varies -- sporty to lumpy. Competition: males are blissfully centered on the game. Multiple dating: guaranteed. Bed: close to 100% (statistic based on the feedback from twelve individuals including the author).
5. Lake Merritt
Parameters: S-shaped, diameter: 10.5 miles. McArthur Boulevard and Webster St. on the East, 10th Street on the West. Connects to the Estuary via underground aqueduct. Office buildings along the North side. Residential middle class neighborhoods on the South: your fishing grounds. Reason: lone female walkers. Competition: Discmen. Requirements: any outfit that can categorize you as “doing sports exercises.” Attention: do not approach joggers; they are the elitist group of amateur athletes. Turn off: cigarettes, glasses, hands in pockets. Turn on: glazed eyes, bared muscles (if you have none, refrain from wearing tight T-shirts), springy gait. Rules of engagement: say “hello” and proceed to speak about healthy way of life. Timely confession: how you changed your ill ways and got reborn through walking/jogging/running. Still better: organic diet. Resources: browse Internet for calorie accumulation/calorie burning data. Especially effective on: weighty walkers comprise 75% out of total number (statistic based on five individuals:). Your co-walker would be: in her late 20s/early 30s, college-educated, has a sedentary job, spends approximately 4 hours per day on the coach in front of the TV, sleeps approximately 9 hours per day. Your offer: walk together from now on. Reason: your man’s company is better than her Discman’s. Average number of failures before the initial success: 3. Perfect place to go on a date: café in the Organic Food Emporium on Shattuck Avenue. Also consider: kayaking in the Estuary, swimming pool on Telegraph Avenue, skating rink on 19th Street. Author’s recommendation: hiking expedition in Point Reyes or around Diablo Mountain. Note on the margin: from thereof she is all yours.
6. Craigslist.com (with contributions from Chip W., Derek L. and Lou B.)
What is it: five years ago, a young San Francisco entrepreneur had foundered an Internet site that featured employment, real estate and dating sections. Henceforth it expanded and now it is the most popular resource for classified ads in Bay Area. Why: because things date-wise are happening online, especially on Craigslist (granted you reside in Bay Area; population: 5 million people).
Chip W. “Basically there’re two options on Craigslist for a straight guy to get laid. There’s “Women Looking for Men” (for the romantically-inclined) and my favorite “Casual Encounters.” The latter features a horde of mega-horny and ultra-perverted males looking to fuck and pronto, please. If you decide to put your ad up on “Casual Encounters” -- exaggerate, exaggerate, exaggerate. And even then you’re competing with approximately thirty m4f ads per hour (compare to two-three f4m ads per day). After reading these two-line masterpieces of sheer grossness, (example: “my engorged 7-inch dick will fuck your pussy, and if you have fewer than five orgasms in a row I’ll pay you a hundred bucks. Dublin area. Will travel within a seventy mile radius”) I’ve never even bothered to try. What you need here is patience. You got to perennially track down the brand new f4m ads from your job computer and immediately respond to them. Prepare a standard letter that you will send to each one of them. Plus take a digital naked pic of your body (face is not really required), so it would be at hand once you are asked for it. Misha Firer is a statistical buff, and he asked me to appraise the guys’ chances. The truth of the matter -- it depends. Basically it’s all about your persistency. You got to work on it every day, especially concentrate on weekends. I would say, at least two weeks to secure first lay. But once you get hang of it, it’ll go faster. Who you are dealing with here are jaded divorcée professionals with extra pounds who lead an insulated lifestyle, either new to the area, or too disillusioned by its night-scene. Count on one-night stand. She probably won’t have any desire to see you again. I’ve gotten laid three times and quit, because I found a girlfriend (offline).”
Derek L. “I disagree with Chip regarding posting ads on “Casual Encounters” – it does work in a long run. He’s right though it requires persistency. Post any crazy-shit ad every day for a couple of weeks in a row and you’ll get responses. My first success was a teenage chick, a Lenney College student. She was a bit on the overweight side, but wild as animal. Pinned me down to the bed, worked me over. Awesome. Then I had a string of other “casual encounters.” It’s true you won’t meet a supermodel here, but you’ll get your share of fun. I like “Women Looking for Men” section better though. It has a human side. You hook up and converse for a while via emails. Then, telephone calling routine. This way, it’s more like a hunting game, if you know what I mean. Then you go for a date to a restaurant. Who you meet is, naturally, somewhat far less attractive than what you had imagined. Fantasy, my friends, is our greatest enemy. From then on it’s the ordinary reality-TV stuff. What I like though is that chicks write a goddamn vita curriculum in their postings. So you know who she is, whether she is worth spending your time and money on. I met my current girlfriend through “Women Looking for Men.” She’s cool. But before I met her I had imagined someone still cooler :-)
Threads from “Romance” Forum on Craigslist.com
Chip W.: I agree with scientists in viewing romantic love as a composition of chemicals in the brain, having the same propensity and direct connectivity with sex. The former is nothing but a borsch of serotonin, dopamine and adrenaline.
Lou B.: Yes, and it serves an evolutionary function. There’s this ongoing competition read survival of the fittest for the female attentions. The female chooses a better-evolved male to bear a child. But females being human make mistakes, thus I think abortion is a very important prop for sustaining the principle of evolution. They say that current low rate of births is damaging society-wise. But I say it only strengthens society, because even if there are fewer children, they are genetically better.
Derek L.: That’s fascism, Lou. You are a fucking Nazi. Low rate of births is a matter of economics, not evolution. Personally, I think it’s pure selfishness.
Lou B.: Well, I can label you back. You are a sexist and a barbarian to throw in. You wish to relinquish individual conscious choice of a woman.
Derek L: Yes. Nature knows better.
Lou B.: You see, I told you – sexist and barbarian.
Chip W.: I think the greatest discovery of the 20th century was the discovery of the inexistence of soul. Our concept of romantic love is an atavistic leftover from our uncivilized past. One day, I believe, we’ll learn how to control “love” chemicals and everyone can be happily in love at will.
Derek L.: They had already invented it. It’s a drug called “ecstasy” (MDMA.)
Lou B.: Hey Lou, do you think women really believe in non-scientific love. Do they really believe in existence of “soul mate”?
Lou B.: Some do. Not that many. You see it’s hard to believe in it, when the social norms deny (even if indirectly) the existence of soul.
7. “Acupuncture & Massage Center”
Location: corner of 19th Street and Webster St. For whom it may concern: those who have abandoned hope to find a lady company for tonight/any night. How it may concern you: you can ask for a “special favor.” Note: fulfillment of “special favors” is not strongly encouraged by the management. Chances of being agreed on providing more than official service: 70% (statistic based on the feedback from seven customers including the author). Price of massage: $40. The massagers: foreign-born Asian women in their early and mid 30s. When to ask for “special favor”: at the end of séance. How to increase your chances: be courteous with the ladies, be well groomed (nice haircut, neat clothes etc.) Also: smile a lot. Warning: do not let them confuse you with an undercover cop. Thus: do not ask questions concerning the establishment, its management, workers’ country of origin and their status (legal/illegal) in America. Remember: the massagers are NOT obliged to provide you with any extra services. Suggested line of inquiry: “I still feel really tired and would like to have a more thorough massage.” If your massager concedes to your carnal desire, you will be escorted to the second (top) floor. There are two sparsely furnished rooms there. Payment: $100 for ½ hour. Suggestion: leave $20 tip – don’t burn bridges behind you. No’s: kissing on the lips, asking for kinky services (anal intercourse, spanking, watersports etc). Yes’s: straight sex with a condom, coming twice, body kissing.
Chip W. comments. “There’re actually six full-time brothels within four square blocks of that Massage Center. The total number of the brothels in the city of Oakland is mind-boggling: more than McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s branches put together! Three days ago, on the way out of one of them (corner of 46th and Telegraph Avenue) I was spoken to by one of its clients, “Dead organics [a restaurant meal in this context C.W.] are at least ten times cheaper than live organics. Un-fucking-believable. Our great Western civilization is dead.”
8. Bar “Van Kleefe”
Location: 21st St. and Telegraph Av. Age of consent: 21 and older. Whom to expect: downtown workers relaxing after 9-to-5 routine, local artists, swinger couples, occasionally tourists. Note on the margin: the dining hall of seven candle-lit tables located behind the bar is a museum of random antique items (seventeen models of brass kettles set on a shelf; three-foot high bowling balls and six-foot statue of a Egyptian she-wolf seated on the floor; European paintings painted in oil featuring 19th century ships engaged in cannon-pummeling, smoke-blowing sea battles and newspaper clippings with pictures of three generations of torso-naked American boxers on the walls etc, etc). Atmosphere: semi-dark, intimate in a sinister way. Author’s characterization: fetishism of cultural displacement. Best time to come: Fridays. Why: swinger couples throng in droves (well, actually, in loose couples). Venue: a she-male Argentinean duo singing Celine Dion and Whitney Houston hits. How to avoid a fight with quasi-jealous, intoxicated husbands: know thy allies and listen to their directions. Your allies: an African-American, Ray Charles-imitating (dark glasses and everything) dude who checks your picture ID at the entrance; proprietor, a sleazy middle-aged Dutch (Ron Van Kleefe) with an eternal grin imprinted on his elongated face (check out his girlfriend: an ash blond with breast implants). Rules of engagement: offer to buy a drink, while carefully refraining from casting sidelong looks at the husband, who is consciously (but painfully) disregards anyone who hits on his wife. What you have to offer: variety to her monogamy. Advice: talk at ease; never mention the husband’s presence (who, the chances are, is hitting on the bartender). Beware: don’t go overboard -- use common sense. Good, but somewhat stale, joke: “Are these singers men or women?” Remember: you are NOT hitting on someone else’s wife. This is NOT adultery, because both parties (husband & wife) do this in mutual consent. Best time to bid a retreat: 1AM (the bar closes at 1:30AM). Place of retreat: always yours. Statistics for getting laid: depends on your womanizing skills. Subjective note: you got to be a sucker to go home empty-handed.
9. “Lenney” College
Location: a square block with Surf St. on the East, 9th St. on the West; next to Alameda Tunnel. Why: because three campus buildings feature the highest concentration of females under age 25 in Oakland. How to apply: online. Check www.lenneycollege.com for details. Tuition: varies. Grants: available. Suggestion: you can enroll (high school diploma required) for concurrent studies. This way you pay only $400 per course and can take any number at will with no obligations towards accumulation of degree and at the same time you legitimize your presence on the campus. Warning: do not lose your head. Especially popular with/populated by minorities: African Americans, Philippine-Americans, Chinese-Americans, Latin-American-Americans. Your best deal: out-of-town wide-eyed teenagers. Note: there is a government-sponsored program for the children of farm workers to study at “Lenney.” Number: uncertain. Apply your urban, urbane polish. Note: many students can hardly afford to rent residential space without sharing with roommates. Think in terms of your privileges: car/apartment/knowledge of localities etc. Further note: it is a progressive college. Currently profligacy is at record high (see, statistical appraisals in Lenney College Library). All-time favorite activity of the students: get drunk on Bud light and have sex with nameless bodies. What you can offer: about the same as male students. But: you have more life experience. Suggestion: offer to help with homework. Level of studies: primitive. Notice: do not appear too smart or too obsolete. Places to strike: lecture halls, hallways, lawns (feature an incredible amount of bikini-clad tanning students throughout the day). Conclusion: possibly best place to get laid in town while following all the standard rules of engagement.
10. Piedmont Shopping Mall
Piedmont is a rich neighborhood located on the east ridge of the Berkeley Hill. It has its own municipality, and always has striven to disconnect itself (futilely) from Oakland, which has an ill repute of the most criminal town in Bay Area. Why it may concern you: desperate housewives who have workaholic husbands. Piedmont features a splendid two-story shopping mall, where the above-mentioned wealthy (and equally insouciant) housewives tend to congregate. Why it is the hardest call in this list: they are afraid to lose their wealth (or at least some of it) through infidelity. Requires: a lion share of guts. Thing/or two to remember: any one of them can bring sexual harassment charges against you without batting an eye (even, if you succeed to have consented sex); jealous husbands (or the detectives hired to monitor wayward wives) might be on the premises. That said it’s a temptation hard to resist. Why: women are exceptionally beautiful, they keep expensive (and equally successful) diets, exercise regularly, dress sharply, wear dazzling mascara. Average age: 30-35. Most have children. Another serious impediment: women also rigorously monitor one another for the sake of gossiping and/or blackmail. Tips for the brave ones: approach casually, coolly, confidently; do not project desire, put the emphasis on your relative pennilessness; have a ready explanation how you wound up in this mall (best bet: because of your job). Do NOT invite for a date. What you want is no-strings-attached string of encounters to build up a sensation of security in her. Be extremely careful, but don’t get paranoid. Use common sense. With equal probability this can lead you to a most glamorous night in your life or/and to a jail cell. Chances to procure a lay: no feedback from those who tried whatsoever. Attention: the Author relinquishes any responsibility for the results of your courting efforts with the Piedmont women in regard to its sheer unpredictability and possible legal complications. Note: the Author strongly discourages to try all those who are self-insecure and especially those who have foul temper (further no-no list available upon a request).