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Introduction:

blind dating has never been so fun
At one point during my incessant quest for quim, I ran into some difficulties meeting quality skeezers, which caused my waters of promiscuity to run dry. While trolling for strange, I had met my fair share of high-browed barbarian hags that were more than willing to get naked with me but I maintained my standards and refused to knock boots with any ugly bitches. I never once considered stuffing my manhood inside some Hoosier harpy’s nasty growler. Despite my cooter canteen being completely depleted over my sexual dry spell, I still clung to the belief the women should look remotely attractive and not resemble female versions of the Apert syndrome-afflicted Brian Peppers.

As I was entering my third week of pussy depravity, I was fortunate enough to have Fleas, a close friend of mine, arrange a blind date for me. I conceded to take part in this endeavor on two conditions. Firstly, I demanded from my associate that the woman whom I was to be set up with be a fine-looking, bona fide slut. I did not want to waste any time entertaining a buckled broad and I sure as hell didn’t want to sink into the depths of blind date desperation without a steady stream of ass coming my way. Thus, my blind date had to be nasty. Secondly, she had to be cheap. I had no problem footing the dinner bill for some gooch lapper, just so long as I got some trim by the end of the night. But I wasn’t willing to invest any significant amount of money for booty either. So I made it clear with Fleas that if my blind date was expecting some sort of romantic dining experience at a high-end restaurant than she was knocking on the wrong door.

With my dating conditions made clear to my friend, I decided upon the perfect place to entertain my date where I could screen her for ass quality. Denny’s. You simply cannot go wrong with a dinner investment of only a few dollars for an opportunity to meet a potential sex partner. The way I figured it, if I took some hooch out for a Grand Slam breakfast and she got upset over the shitty quality of the dining experience, then she was not worthy of my baby maker and our relationship was never meant to be. High maintenance chicks were not welcome in my stable, even in times of pussy drought. However, if I brought some strange skirt to Denny’s and she was cool with the seedy atmosphere, then this was usually a good sign that things could work out between us. And if she played nice, I planned on giving my blind date a money shot by the end of the night. But in either case, my monetary investment into the date was projected to be less than ten bucks. And that included the tip.

On the night of my pre-arranged blind date, my plan was to enjoy a couple Grand Slams with my companion and then sojourn across town to a dance club. If things went well during the dinner and subsequent frolicking on the dance floor, I planned to take my blind date home with me for a nightcap of sweaty sex.

I was presently surprised when I finally met up with Danielle in the parking lot of a locale Denny’s restaurant. She had dark, red hair and all the right ingredients that a growing boy needs: short stature, curvy waist, tight cheeks, and a pair of voluptuous cones that begged to be prodded and squeezed. My assessment of Danielle was instantaneous. She was definitely attractive enough to bathe in my baby batter, the formalities of the blind date notwithstanding.

Escorting my blind date inside Denny’s, we were quickly seated at a sticky table. Moments later, we ordered some delicious entr?. While waiting on the arrival of our meals, I elected to get the conversation started off with Danielle on the right foot. “So how do you prefer to swap fluids?” I blatantly asked her.

“I like to make out, suck, get licked, be fucked, and play with my nips,” she calmly replied. “You?”

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Danielle readily welcomed my straight forward assertiveness. “Well, I can tell you that I’m definitely not into the kissing thing,” I slyly replied. “And I’m not into toys or weird shit either.”

“That’s okay.”

“I just like to poke,” I added.

Danielle smiled. “That’s always fun as well. I love laying on my back and just watching a guy move into me however he wants. Or lying on my belly and having a guy fuckin me is hot too. I’m pretty easy going when it comes to sex. Whatever you like is okay with me.”

My mind wandered down the gutter for a bit and then I asked, “You do anal?”

Danielle shifted in her seat, appearing someone taken aback by my intrusive inquiry. “Well, I’ve actually been worried about having too much butt sex lately,” she replied. “I was told by one of my girlfriends that if you take it up the ass too much then you’ll have problems when you get older.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’ll have to shit in a bag because your ass is all loose. So I’ve been doing exercises to stop that from happening.”

I was shocked and amazed by the candid nature of the dinner conversation and wanted to keep it going. “Exercises?”

“Yeah, you know, like flexing my butt muscles. I think if I don’t do something soon I’m going to be walking through Wal-Mart one of these days and, shabam, I’ll shit myself.”

I laughed heartily. “Well, we don’t want that to happen!”

A few verbal exchanges later and our food orders arrived at the sticky table. Danielle and I began to dig into our pancakes and sausage links while carrying forward with the lewd conversation at hand.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Danielle stated while cutting into her short stack of pancakes. “Out of everything I’ve tried before, I like to be a little piggy the best.”

“I’m not familiar with that,” I conceded, chewing on a mouthful of bacon. “What is that?”

Danielle maintained her gaze into her chopped up pancakes. She forked a square and brought it into her mouth. Danielle briefly chewed and then stated, “I like to lick armpits, chew out a guy’s ass, or take his spit. I love it when I guy eats me out while I’m on the rag too.”

I nearly choked on my orange juice. Danielle was the most forthcoming girl that I had ever spoken too. I concealed my shock over the stark contrast to a typical dinner conversation and then plodded forward with more questions. “You don’t care if you’re ragulating?”

“I’m just not bothered by my period all that much. Actually, it kind of turns me on when a guy is down there getting my blood all over his face. I feel like he’s a vampire or something! It’s sexy!”

I shook my head. “I’ve done a lot of things,” I avowed, “but I must admit that I never got my red wings.”

Danielle shrugged and continued stabbing into her squares of cut pancakes. “A little blood never hurt anyone,” she stated matter-of-factly.

“Neither did waiting a week until the crimson tide had cleared,” I countered.

My sexually-charged conversation with Danielle continued for another twenty or minutes or so, creating a thick anticipation of what was to happen next for the both of us. By the time that I had finished my Lumberjack Slam I was becoming hard over thinking about Danielle sitting on my womb dagger. I momentarily entertained the idea of skipping the dance club altogether and heading straight back to my house but stuck to my previously arranged date plan.

After she had finished eating, Danielle stood up from the table and prepared to attend to the restroom. “How about you get the check and I’ll meet you outside by your car.”

“No problem,” I agreed.

Moments later, I found myself driving toward the local dance club with my blind date. During the course of the journey, Danielle and I continued our previous conversation about sex, my favorite subject.

“So what else melts your butter?” I blatantly asked the provocative vixen. “Other than all of that piggy shit like you were telling me about.”

Danielle became more animated as she spoke. “You know what? It’s totally weird but I found out that I get an adrenalin rush from needles. Getting tattoos makes me horny. Bad!”

“You get horny when you get a tattoo? That is bizarre as hell. Why?”

“Fuck, I don’t know. I only have a few tats but after I got them I was very excited. I think maybe the adrenalin rush from the pain. I just got my tongue pierced last Saturday.”

“Oh yeah?” I queried while pulling into the dance club parking lot. “So what do you like to do with your mouth?”

“Oh, I like oral! I love to roll my tongue around the head of a guy’s cock and then lick up and down a little to get it wet. Then I use my hands to go up and down while my whole mouth is covering as much territory as I can. I usually just move up and down with hand strokes during blow jobs but I like to play and lick balls some. I like to watch a guy cum too. It’s like ‘looky what I made you do.’”

My feeling of arousal peaked and it became exceedingly difficult to steer my car into an appropriate parking space. Rather than fighting through the congested parking lot, I chose to drive over to the periphery of the club where I parked beneath the shadow of a large sweet gum tree. The heavy canopy of the foliage blocked out the nearby flood lights, casting my vehicle in complete darkness. “I bet you give great dome,” I commented back to Danielle, slotting the transmission into park. “I might give you a mouth cramp though. I’m pretty big.”

“Do you know what would be really not?” Danielle asked me. “Let’s just do it right now. Right here!”

Traumatic memories of campus security officers and automobile accidents surfaced into my mind. “I don’t know about all that,” I stated. “I’ve had some bad experiences with car sex in the past. Why don’t we just go into the club and then afterward we can head back to my—”

Danielle quickly took off her shirt, revealing the absence of a bra. Her fun bags were large, rotund, and tipped with pointed nipples of a bright pink coloration. She struggled in the passenger seat to take off her pants, kicking and wriggling the containing clothing away from her body. In the shards of moonlight that pierced through my windshield, I took notice of several intricate tattoos that Danielle had inked into her the entire length of her legs, lower back, and navel area.

“Let me see what you got,” she prompted, tugging on my belt.

I unfastened my pants, reached into my drawers, and withdrew my womb wrecker. “Is this too big?” I asked, palming my sausage.

Danielle planted her eyes upon my swollen mushroom head and stated, “I’d love to suck on that for you.”

I waved my hand in a complimentary motion. “By all means...”

Danielle leaned over the center console of my car and stuffed the whole of my meat inside her pie hole, deep-throating my shaft with great ease. As far as giving blows was concerned, Danielle wasn’t too bad. She didn’t offer up the best skull that I have ever received but it was by no means the worst. Since she was already entirely naked inside my car, I took the opportunity to fondle Danielle’s engorged tits as they swayed beneath her bobbing torso. While I twisted her perky nipples with my left hand, I maneuvered my right around to Danielle’s backside and began taking greedy handfuls of her bare ass cheeks. Fingering around her crack, I located Danielle’s bunghole and swiftly slipped my index finger inside. She made no reaction to this penetration whatsoever. The texture of Danielle’s anus was surprisingly smooth, as it had clearly been wallowed out many times before.

My erection grew firmer with each upstroke suck of Danielle’s mouth. As she gulped and gagged on my dong, I crammed two fingers inside her loose rectum, and then a third. Danielle’s sweltering intestinal tissue quickly became moist with natural lubricant. She had not exaggerated about the worn out quality of her sphincter, it was indeed stretched out beyond repair, easily accommodating my three digits.

As I was fucking the taste out of Danielle’s mouth, I suddenly felt a warm, squishy sensation between my fingers, near the upper regions of her colon. My stout fingers were soon coated with a viscous substance that had a thicker consistency than her natural anal mucous. Then, without warning, a puff of foul-smelling air escaped out of Danielle’s asshole. The greasy gut fart smelled like maple syrup.

I was not pleased. Never before had a female shit on me, even during regular ass play. Indiscriminant justice was called for and retribution for Danielle’s sexual faux pa would be swiftly carried out.

Despite having just defecated on my probing fingers, Danielle continued to pamper my bag pipe and bobbed on without missing rhythm. She lapped up my pre-ejaculate as my nuts began to surge with the pressure of millions of teeming tadpoles that were seeking to be released. Their tonsil destination became irreversible.

Just as I was about to cum, I pulled my slimy fingers out of Danielle’s rectum and wiped them across her face, just beneath her nose. The smell of her syrupy flatulence assaulted her nostrils just when I pumped a wad of hot pecker protein into her mouth. Danielle momentarily snorted and then sharply inhaled, breathing in the voluminous load of man milk into her sinuses. She pulled her head up from off my tongue trembler and then drew her red hair behind her skull, cackling in embarrassment. My steaming spooge shot out of her nose and streamed from the corners of her mouth while she laughed, spraying the creamy particulates in all directions.

“God damn,” I hollered, shielding my face from the sperm sprinkles.

Danielle frantically wiped the cum residue from off her face while I used her shirt to clean off the remaining fecal material from my right hand. Once she stopped laughing, I noticed a thick streak of dung smeared across her upper lip and cheek, its brown texture diluted somewhat by my semen. I couldn’t bear to look at the dookie smudge without bursting into tears of hilarity.

“What’s so funny?” Danielle asked.

I shook my head to block out the sight of her poo-stained face. “Nothing,” I lied, turning my head away from her. “It’s nothing. Come on. Get your clothes back on and let’s get inside the club.” I did my best to not look at Danielle as I was tucking away my tool.

“Did I do something wrong?” Danielle asked as she was pulling up her pants.

“No, you were fine...” I replied, doing my best to conceal my laughter.

Danielle wrestled inside her top, pulling it over her bouncing breasts. “Well, can we finish this later?” she asked. “I didn’t even get to feel you inside me.”

“Sure,” I responded while letting myself out of the car. “I just want to have a little fun before we head back to my place.” I slammed my car door shut and briskly wiped away the tears that were trickling from my eyes out of pure merriment. I wondered how long it would take for Danielle to realize that she had sperm-saturated feces streaked across her face.

“Oh, this place looks great!” Danielle stated, as she stepped out of my car and gawked at the exterior of the dance club. “I’ve never been here before.”

I bit my lip and nodded my head, trying desperately not to explode into boisterous laughter. With my face turning red and my eyes squinting, I walked toward the front entrance of the club. Danielle followed behind me, the gelatinous scat still prominent across her mug.

Once I entered the club, it took only a quick glance at the bouncer to decipher his facial expressions. He offered Danielle a look of grotesque horror but remained silent about her sewage makeup. Instead, he just stamped her hand and allowed her entrance into the bar area. As soon as I began to mingle amongst the crowd, it became readily apparent that others also quickly noticed the smeared spoor across Danielle’s upper lip. Girls grimaced at the site of her. Guys winced. All the while I chuckled to myself, thinking of how Danielle had quaffed my load just moments before.

After making it through the crowd of patrons that bordered the dance floor, I turned to face Danielle once more. I tried to maintain my focus on her eyes while I spoke to her, as to avert attention away from the shit stain on her cheek. “How about you go get yourself something over at the bar and I’ll go find us a table upstairs?”

“Oh, okay!” Danielle replied with an emphasized nod.

The moment she turned away, I shuffled back out through the crowd. I hastily walked to the front door of the establishment and immediately abandoned the dance club, leaving Danielle for dead. Rushing over to my car, I quickly got inside and started up the ignition. I then happily drove back to my house alone, having no concern whether or how Danielle found her own way home.
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