It's an emotionally painful romance.
The only sex that approaches explicit is phone sex.
The second Tuesday
Tuesday morning I called my shrink and made my lie into the truth. He never had done much more than make me feel a little better for a while anyway. Then all my clocks stopped as I tried to forget that I was waiting for the mail. It wasn't going to be pretty if I had to wait another day. There aren't many things worse than waiting for something that you're scared to death of. I couldn't stop thinking that Hope might be my last chance. It was about two hours before my mail was due when the phone rang.
The first thing she said was, "You look as gentle and caring as you sound. The kids think so too. Did your mail come yet?"
I was my normal (for the last week) basket case self. I just told her that I was really scared.
She said "Please listen to me carefully. I love you and I look average except for my breasts. If things work out, I'll even get them reduced for you if you need me to. If I'm too pretty for you, I can change that. If I'm not pretty enough for you I can change that too, at least some. If I can find a way to marry you, I will. I love you and I know that with my troubles, you might be my last chance."
I said that Monday I'd realized that she might be my last chance too.
She asked me if I'd call her when my mail arrived.
I told her I would and we said our goodbyes.
The mail was late but it finally came. Before I collapsed from the stress. Barely.
Her handwriting was beautiful. She was lovely, and her breasts were at least as big as she'd described. Thinking that most men would think they were too big made me feel a little better.
Looking at the photos of her kids, I could only think that she must be very proud of them. All four had her brown hair and eyes and could only be called good looking. I'd be able to remember one name. When I was a kid I'd have said that Lisa sure was a pretty hippie girl. And had big boobies too. I wondered how Hope had explained to Lisa that her dad was her grandfather too. Lisa was already "Lovely Lisa" to me and I hoped that she didn't have a boyfriend with dreadlocks.
I finally realized that Hope was probably just as stressed out waiting for me to call as I had just been. When she answered the phone, I could barely hear her as she asked, "What do you think of us?" I said, "If I didn't already know you, you'd be too pretty for me. But when you said that I might be your last chance, it helped me a lot. I think I'm ready to meet you. And your breasts look awesome."
"I was afraid that you wouldn't find me attractive. I expected my breasts to be a problem for you. They are, even for most men that claim to like big ones. I know, I'm nervous and I'm talking too much. I'm just so relieved that you're okay with my breasts. They make me think I look like a freak. I did my best to prepare for the worst.
"I think I understand how hard it is for you to trust a woman not to leave you again. And at the same time need to share a love. I don't think it's a lot different from how I feel about trusting a man to be alone with me. And it's reassuring to think that you understand my trust problems too. I feel like all the past misery in our lives has prepared us for each other. I'm going to help you trust me by learning to trust you. And I hope that you can help me be brave enough to spend our nights alone together. Someday. While we wear each other out in the best possible ways. If you can help me trust you, I promise you, I'll never let you fall asleep unsatisfied. I'm so relieved that you're ready to meet me. We've only known each other for a week but, oh you know what I mean, I'm going to shut up and listen. Right now." And she did but I was guessing that she had to jam a sock in her mouth to do it.
She was as wound up and worried as I was just plain worried.
Suddenly it dawned on me that I was being an idiot...again. "Sweetheart, can you go to your bedroom and lock the door?"
"I'm already alone in my bedroom and the door's already locked too. I have your pictures propped up on the night stand and my pussy is leaking worse than my breasts. I cheated. I started getting ready as soon as you said that you think you're ready to meet me. I couldn't help myself. If you're not quick, I'm going to make my mess without you."
"I'm hurrying." Fortunately I'd been busy since the word "idiot" had popped into my addled mind. Finally I was able to say, "I'm ready and waiting for your instructions."
She just started gasping and groaning and I was forced to act on my own inititiatve. As soon as she'd settled down, she started telling me what she was doing with her breasts and how heavy they felt and how much they were leaking and how good they felt when she sucked on her own nipples and pretended it was me sucking on them and.." And I was done. After I'd settled down a little, she asked, "Was it good for you too?" And then burst into a giggling fit.
After we'd laid there and talked about nothing for a while she said, "That damned dog, he chewed up the tubing on my brand new breast pump. What am I going to do? I'm leaking something terrible already." From the tone of her voice, I suspected the breast pump tubing might not be all that bad off.
So I asked, "Do you have a feather?" She didn't. "Can you cut a thin strip off of a sheet of paper that we can call a feather?" She could and she did. "Close your eyes, I'm there with you now and I'm using the feather tickling my way down your belly. I'm using my other hand to lift your left breast to my mouth and nibbling and licking it just a little. I'm settling down and enjoying your perfect nipple. The feather's tickling its way down one inner thigh and up the other, you're trying to hold still but the tickling's forcing you to spread your legs as you're trying to get away from it. With my fingertips I'm starting to slowly explore your wet and slippery softness. Damn, I'm starting to have trouble..concentrating...because you're starting..to drive me..crazy...your turn to drive..." and then I shut up. After a few seconds she released her nipple with a wet little "pop" and took the wheel. It took another few minutes before she crashed the car and left us both piled up in a wet mess. God I love women drivers.
We finally decided to meet the next day at noon at The Pantry for a cup of coffee. I told her that I'd be wearing a green John Deere baseball cap. She said she'd be wearing a large bra and a matching belly.
Then she started what had become our goodnight ritual, "Are you ready to say goodnight?"
I braced myself and said, "I love you and I miss you already."
She said, "My ex husband was a kind and gentle lover until we were married." And then she was gone.
The second Wednesday
She was already there when I arrived half an hour early. Two words came into my mind when our eyes met and I got my first glimpse of her tentative smile: Vulnerable and Hopeful. Her smile made me feel protective and a little safer. I managed to say: "You look nice."
She looked down at the table and quietly said, "Thank you for coming." After I sat down, and without looking up, she added, "If I never can get well enough to be alone with you, do you think you could still love me? Please think about it before you answer. I need to know if I can hope." Then she just looked afraid and kept looking down while wet spots started appearing on the table.
I hadn't felt so safe since my marriage ended. I picked up my napkin, put it on the table by her hand and said, "It's already way too late for me to ever stop loving you. Even if I never see you again, I'll still love you until I take my last breath. Or longer."
She wiped her eyes and face and still not looking up, she said, "I didn't think it would be this hard. I mostly do pretty well during the day. I just didn't think I'd ever have another chance to be in love again. I'm scared to death."
"In the years since my divorce, there were two different women that I could've and should've married. Both times I just thought that they weren't quite right for me. Since I've gotten to know you, I've come to realize that I just wasn't able to trust either of them to never leave me. When I realized that I could trust you to stay with me forever, I decided to do everything I could to spend the rest of my life with you."
"I really need a hug. Can you sit beside me and hold me? Sort of like when we're on the phone? I just need some comfort and reassurance. I'll be okay here where we're not alone."
She scooted over in the booth for me and we hugged exactly like we'd done on the phone. Except that now I was really with her and added drying her tears to my routine. It was the first time that I actually touched her and she flinched when I did. It was tiny but I couldn't miss it. Then she put her arms around me and buried her head in my chest with her right breast pressed against my side. If it was much bigger, it'd have been too big even for me. I wanted terribly to sooth her fear, but I was suddenly getting very distracted. Her breast squeezing against me and her pregnant belly were more than I could ignore. My crotch was way past tight and Mr. Happy wasn't very happy.
I was starting to feel guilty because I couldn't stay focused on the hug that I was trying to give her when she started softly giggling. She looked up at me and said, "I believe you now. Large breasts and a pregnant belly obviously don't turn you off." And she giggled again and gently pressed her hand against my bulge. Then she pulled away from me and said, "You look like you need to make a little more room for Mr. Happy."
I took her advice and was much relieved. When I looked up, she looked like a different person, she was wearing a slight smile and looked almost relaxed. I couldn't help asking, "What?" After hesitating for a moment, she said, "It's been several years since I last wanted a man to find me sexy. And now that it suddenly matters again, I can't tell you how good it feels to see you get interested."
"Any time I can help you feel better is a good time for me. I'm beginning to understand how bad some of the things in your past were. Between that, talking on the phone, and meeting you, I'm starting to feel a lot safer. Safer than I've felt in years. I just needed to say thank you for that. You could make me feel even better if you'd let me buy you lunch next time. Soon."
She hesitated, then said, "Would Friday be okay with you?" We agreed on the same time and place.
Then I had to say: "You can say no and it'll be fine if you do, but I need you to listen to all that I've got to say before you answer." She just looked at me and waited. "I'd like for us to start seeing a counselor together." Her eyes instantly looked wary but she didn't say anything. "We're both out of practice at being with someone. I know I could use some pointers on how to think before I speak. And before I get upset after I listen. We might decide it's a waste of time, but if you feel able and willing, I'd like to try it, at least once. What do you think?"
She just sat there and looked at me for at least twenty seconds. Then she very slowly and carefully said, "It has to be a woman. And I have to talk to her alone first. And it might not be easy for us to find one that I'm okay with. I can only promise to try." Then she waited.
It was my turn to be careful, "Thank you. That means a lot to me. When my ex left, she refused to go to a counselor with me. I'm still glad she's gone, but I'll always wonder if counseling would have changed anything. Would you like to find one that you feel okay with or do you want me to call around?"
She said it might be best for her to look for one if I didn't mind. I knew she was right and I didn't mind at all.
It was nice that she sounded reluctant when she said that she had to go. Outside she looked nervous and told me that it was important to her that I always hug her very gently. She emphasized the word "always." So I was especially gentle and completely surprised when after a few moments of holding me, she ran her hands up and down my back and then tried to squeeze me in half. Her belly and breasts would have gotten my attention even if she hadn't looked so nice. After "accidently" brushing her hand across Mr. Happy's not too tiny bulge, she gave me a little mischievous smile and a quick peck on the cheek. I think she would have ran to her Ferrari if she hadn't been pregnant. Okay, it was a red Honda Civic, but compared to my pickup, it looked like a Ferrari.
I walked over to my pickup but changed my mind and went back inside. I had a cup of decaf while I calmed down enough to drive semi-safely. I realized that I wasn't as done being afraid as I'd thought. While we were talking together in the restaurant, she'd made me feel safe. As soon as she was gone, so was the safe feeling. She was too pretty and I was still full of fear. I hated my ex wife for the way she left me.
The first thing she said when I answered the phone Wednesday night was, "Are you doing okay?"
I told her that after she'd driven away I was surprised to find myself a little afraid. I was bending the truth pretty far, the word "little" didn't apply at all. Then I told her I thought she looked nice (again) and asked her how she was feeling.
She sounded like she really meant it when she said, "Relieved. You have know idea how scary it is for a woman to go on a first date feeling like a cow. When your little bulge started to grow during our first real hug, it was like I could finally breath again. I got afraid again when we were sort of alone saying goodbye outside too. The more patient and understanding you can be, the better I'll feel.
"I left messages for five female counselors this afternoon. Four called me back and two of them sounded nice. One even had a cancellation appointment available at 2:00 on Friday. Her name's Karen, if that'll work for you, I'll confirm it in the morning. What do you think?"
She was really on a roll. Even I could figure out that she needed a little reassurance. "That sounds good to me. Thanks. Are you in your bedroom alone?"
"Yes. And I've got my broken breast pump in here with me. The store was out of breast pump tubing."
I loved it when she told obvious lies. "I've got a confession to make too. I wasn't going to tell you but I'm a little nervous about sex. I'm not as young as I used to be and way out of practice. So I got some Viagra, the really strong ones, you know, just in case."
"I love how you're...so thoughtful...Is there anything else...you want to tell me?"
"Yeah...I got a really bad...headache...this evening...so I was...in a hurry...and I...didn't...turn on...the bathroom light... and wasn't...paying attention...when I..."
"So....how many....did you....take?"
"Oh.....my.....are you....sure you're.....okay?"
"It's...pretty hard...but it...only hurts...a little." I'll give her credit, she didn't make a lot of noise.
"So, were you able to jury rig your breast pump and use it?"
"I thought you were with me!" Oops. I was in the shit now. I should have kept my mouth and finished making my mess.
"I was trying, I just couldn't quite catch up."
"I'm sorry." She was quietly crying again.
"I'm still here."
"Can I give you a hug? I still need to be needed."
"Thank you. I'm scooting over for you. I need you to hold me."
Eventually, her breathing got slow and steady and I quietly asked her if she was still awake before I hung up.
I was so in love and so horny as I looked at her picture. And remembered her breast squeezed against my side. It didn't take me long.
She started with: "I'm pretty stressed about tomorrow."
"I hope this helps: I love you...that won't change even if tomorrow's a disappointment...I'm not leaving, unless you push me away."
"Thank you. If I like Karen as much as I hope to, I want to talk about my hard things."
"Please don't push yourself."
"I have to push myself. It's my only hope. All I've ever done is deny, run away, and hide. It hasn't helped."
"I didn't know it until last week but that all applies to me too. Can I offer you a hug?"
The hug turned into phone sex, another hug, sex again, and another long hug before we finally fell asleep. Her breasts fit my best fantasies perfectly. She was a woman that I'd be happy to die for.
It was 12:45 when I sat down and looked up to see her breasts, I mean face, coming through the door. Neither of us were smiling.
"If you give up on me after we see Karen, I'll understand and never hold it against you."
She had my attention. Her voice was completely emotionless.
"Lisa's waiting in the car, in case I need help getting home."
"Can we invite her in?"
"She said she'd rather give us our privacy. She brought a book."
We tried to talk about the weather. The news. Nothing helped. It was awful. It took forever to get to 1:30. She asked me to wait a few minutes before I followed her in at Karen's office.
PLEASE let me know what you DID NOT LIKE about my story. (comment or PM)
Chapter 4 will be coming soon, it's the last chapter.