Natasha calls on our heroes for help after Boris has an accident. Be warned: fan fiction, silly plot, no sex.
We begin our story in the tiny hamlet of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota USA, population 27, where two of its leading citizens reside; Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose. It looks like they're involved in some intense study. Let's listen in.
"Do you have any tens?"
"Go fish," said Rocky.
Well, it looks like they're more involved in leisure time activities. Unfortunately, a couple of dark figures are approaching their quaint cabin that is sure to break up this relaxing atmosphere and involve the duo in another harrowing adventure. At least we hope so.
"Who can that be?" said Rocky in answer to the knock at the door.
"I bet you it's those pesky woodpeckers again. Just ignore them."
"Who is it?"
"Natasha Fatale who?"
"Natasha Fatale going to injure you if you don't open this door."
"I don't get it," said Bullwinkle.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?" said Rocky when he opened the door to the statuesque brunette beauty standing before him.
"Cut the crap," said Natasha. "Of course you know me. I'm Natasha Fatale, Pottsylvanian spy. You two are Moose and Squirrel, my mortal enemies. I always try to kill you every episode. I need your help."
"Don't trust her, Rock," said Bullwinkle. "It's a new episode. She'll try to kill us for sure."
"I won't kill you until after you help. Is deal?"
"What kind of help do you need from your mortal enemies?" said Rocky.
"It's Boris Badenov, the poor darlink. Is terrible tragedy."
"What kind of tragedy?"
"Just look!" She pointed behind her. Standing behind her was a beautiful young lady in a pink dress. She was smiling sweetly and holding a bouquet of wildflowers.
"She's kind of cute, but where's your friend?"
"That's Boris Badenov."
"Hokey Smoke! What happened to her... him... uh whatever?"
"Is long story. Let narrator tell it."
Yes, well it seems Pottsylvanian scientists had developed a new type of ray gun which, when directed at a victim, changed his mind and body chemistry to the opposite of what they once were. The ray gun was tested on mindless Pottsylvanian peasants. The results were thoughtful citizens. Of course, thoughtful citizens begin to ask questions and form independent ideas. They were declared counterrevolutionaries, lined up against a wall and executed by a firing squad. The weapon was deemed a success.
Washington politicians were considered likely targets until someone pointed out they were very much like mindless Pottsylvanian peasants so it was decided to go after America's scientists instead. The first victim was to be that most eminent of researchers, Dr. Albert Bierstein. Boris and Natasha were assigned to do the dirty deed. They tracked Dr. Bierstein to one of his crowded after-hours haunts. Boris took aim at his target but unfortunately (or fortunately for Dr. Bierstein), our villain got confused and shot at the man's image in the mirror behind the bar. The rays reflected back at the shooter and Boris got a full dose of the mysterious rays.
"Hoo boy! I think I'm in trouble."
"Are you all right, darlink?"
"I feel... I feel pretty. I feel pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay."
Yes, the Boris Badenov we all know and hate had been transformed into a cute little girl with a possible career in Broadway musicals.
"It gets worse," said Natasha. "Not only is she cute but she's nice too. I can't stand it!"
"What do want us to do?" said the plucky squirrel.
"Ray gun got broken but still under warranty. You need to take it to China for repairs. When you return we shoot little girl, get back Boris."
"Is place of manufacture. Chinese give Pottsylvania deal on lead-based paint. We insist on it for all our products."
"Why don't you do it yourself?"
"Must keep Boris out of trouble. I turn back once and she sign up as Pottsylvanian mail order bride. Has 40 proposals already. Also, if Central Control finds out what happened, we are screwed pigeons."
"I accepted all proposals," said the transformed Boris. "Don't want to hurt anyone's feelings."
Just then there was another knock on the door.
"This is becoming a very popular place," said Bullwinkle and opened the door. "Someone left us a package."
"What's in it?"
"Let's see here. It's just a bomb."
"A bomb? Get rid of it, Bullwinkle!"
"Sure thing, Rock." The mighty moose heaved the bomb out of the cabin just in time to avoid a mighty explosion.
"Whew! That was close," said Rocky. "Say, I thought you weren't going to try to kill us until after we helped you."
"Wasn't me. I swear," said Natasha.
"Hmmm. Then it looks like someone doesn't want Boris turned back into his old self."
"That could include almost everyone, Rocky," Bullwinkle declared in an unusually astute observation.
"You're right, Bullwinkle," said Rocky. "If Boris stays the way she is now, then everything stays peaceful. You have our answer."
"But you don't understand, Squirrel," said Natasha.
"What's not to understand?"
"If Boris stays little girl then nothing bad happens, right?"
"If nothing bad happens then things get boring, right?"
"If things stay boring then audience stops watching, ratings go down, series gets cancelled. We all get fired and are out of work, right?"
"Hokey Smoke! She's right, Bullwinkle. We gotta help!"
"I'm on it, Rock."
"Whatcha doin' digging a hole?"
"I'm digging my way to China."
"Wouldn't it be easier to make airline reservations, Bullwinkle?"
"You know what airline travel is like these days, Rocky."
"Hmm, you're right. I'll get another shovel."
Will our heroes be able to dig their way to China, get the ray gun repaired, transform Boris back into his vile self and revive the series? Or are they just getting themselves in deeper? Also who is this mysterious stranger intent on stopping them? Be with us for our next episode, "Seven Days and Six Knights in Beijing" or "I See Chinks in Their Armor."
When we were last with Rocky and Bullwinkle, they were frantically digging a hole into the ground with the goal of reaching China on the other side of the world. Flying there wasn't an option.
"I can't get my antlers past airport security," said Bullwinkle.
Their goal after reaching China is to get a strange weapon repaired for none other than those two nefarious arch villains, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale. Or perhaps, should we say Natasha Fatale and a cute little girl?
"Please don't rub it in, darlink," said Natasha.
The reason Natasha Fatale is so upset is because the cute little girl was once the aforementioned Boris Badenov. How did this incredible transformation take place? Apparently Boris Badenov was using a ray gun developed by Pottsylvanian scientists. When a person is exposed to the exotic rays they drastically change its victims' brain and body chemistries. The dastardly villain missed his intended target. The rays struck a barroom mirror and reflected back on Boris making him the victim.
"I don't feel so good," said Boris and collapsed in a faint.
After the rays had taken full effect, the result was a cute young lady with a fabulous singing voice. She can belt out Broadway show tunes...
"I could have danced all night. I could have danced all night And still have begged for more."
... as well as operatic arias.
"Un bel di vedvemo levarsi un fil di sull'estremo confin del mare."
"On top of that, she's nice too," Natasha added. "Is disgusting."
So why is that a bad thing? Why are our heroes so anxious to get the ray gun repaired so that Natasha can blast the nice little girl in hopes of getting the old evil Boris back?
"We're trying to save the series," said Rocky. "We need a villain to make things exciting. Nobody's going to watch our show if all Bullwinkle and I do is sit around and play cards."
"There's always board games, Rocky," said Bullwinkle.
Yes, the series might very well go kaput if there's no more bad in Badenov.
"Hey Rocky, can we take a break? We've been digging all day."
"I guess so. How deep do you think the hole is?
"About three feet."
"At this rate it'll take forever to get to China."
"Perhaps I may be of assistance?"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Mr. Peabody and this is my boy Sherman. Say hello, Sherman."
"I'm your canis ex machina."
"Canis ex machina is Latin and means literally 'dog out of the machine.' It's a dramatic device where a superior dog (myself, of course) unexpectedly steps into the middle of a plot and resolves a seemingly irresolvable problem. It's a well used stratagem for inferior writers who have written their characters into a tight fix and can't figure a logical way out for their protagonists. It dates from the Greek tragedies. I taught the technique to the playwright Euripides and others while on a visit to Greece in the fifth century BC."
"They call the technique 'deus ex machina' these days, Mr. Peabody."
"I know, Sherman."
"Well, if you guys want to take a turn at digging, we'd sure appreciate it."
"I was thinking more along the lines of repairing your gadget." I took the device out of the surprised squirrel's paws. I quickly diagnosed the problem and sent Sherman off to the local emporium for the necessary parts. He returned quickly with what I needed. "Four fresh double-A batteries should do the trick. Yes, there's no need to test it. Your ray gun is fully charged and now operational. I'd be careful with that thing if I were you. Someone could get hurt."
"You are a genius, Dog," the tall brunette declared. "Little girl won't feel a thing."
"I don't think I want to know the details," I replied to the perceptive young woman. "Say goodbye, Sherman. We're off on another adventure."
"I can't believe what I just saw," said Rocky after the strange dog and his boy left.
"Yeah," said Bullwinkle. "Who ever heard of a talking dog?"
"Who cares as long as gun is fixed?" said Natasha. "Come here, little girl. Uh oh! Where is little girl?"
Well, it seems that while Rocky and the others were talking to that dog that does his own voice-over, little girl Boris has wandered off.
"Let's organize a search party."
"As much as I love parties, Rocky, don't you think we ought to look for the little girl first?"
Bullwinkle was right, of course, so Rocky scrapped the search party idea and agreed that it would be a good idea to go look for the transformed Boris instead. They searched high and they searched low. The little girl was nowhere to be found.
"Any sign of her, Squirrel?"
"No luck here," said Rocky. "What about you, Bullwinkle?"
"I just found some of her footprints. That's all," the moose replied.
"You fool! Show us where," Natasha demanded.
The antlered Sherlock led Rocky and Natasha to a small clearing and sure enough, the little girl's tracks could be clearly seen.
"Let's follow them," said Rocky.
No sooner said than done. The trio followed the footprints to the shores of Veronica Lake where they disappeared at the waterline.
"Maybe she went swimming," said Bullwinkle.
"Impossible," Natasha replied. "She was afraid of water. Even wanted water wings for bathtub."
"Hokey smoke!" Rocky cried. "More footprints."
There were indeed more footprints but none that belonged to the little girl. But who did these footprints belong to? Someone who meant to do Boris harm, the mad bomber perhaps? Has there been foul play done?
"Something bad has happened to darlink. I just know it."
Is Natasha right? Is this the end of Boris Badenov? Is this the end of the series? Join us for our next thrill-packed episode "The Lady in the Lake" or "I Dreamed I Was a Drowning Victim in My Maidenform Bra."
In the last episode Rocky and Bullwinkle, along with their temporary ally Natasha Fatale, were frantically searching for a young lady who had wandered away from their group. The young lady was none other than that villainous spy, Boris Badenov who had been transformed by an errant shot of exotic radiation developed by Pottsylvanian scientists. This occurred as a result of a bungled—
"Don't make it sound so bad, darlink," said Natasha. "You don't want to embarrass the lady, do you?"
Of course I don't. Well, an unfortunate chain of events occurred which I'm too much of a gentleman to recount. Anyway, their intention is to blast the young lady with the same radiation in the hopes of reversing the process and getting back the old Boris Badenov thus saving the series from terminal boredom. But their efforts thus far had just put them in a hole.
"Looking on the bright side, at least we have our new privy dug," said Bullwinkle.
The ray gun used was broken, but a strange dog and his boy arrived on the scene to make the necessary repairs and save the day.
"Mr. Peabody and I were on our way to visit leaders from the Soviet Union and Russia."
"That's right, Sherman. But I figured it wouldn't hurt if we did a little... Stalin for time."
"But you said we were going to Italy on a related matter, Mr. Peabody. How is that related?"
"Well, I want you to see the monument the Italians built to honor the founder of the Soviet Union."
"I didn't know they had one. What's it called?"
"Sherman, I'm surprised you've never heard of the... Lenin Tower of Pisa."
"Don't go hurryin' off on our account, guys," said Bullwinkle. "Heh heh! Get it?"
"Actually, no. Say goodbye, Sherman. It's time we were... Putin on the Ritz."
"The word you wanted was Russian, Bullwinkle," said Rocky.
"Don't go... Russian off on our account."
"Oh. I thought it was something in my delivery."
"Can we stop wasting time and find girl?" said Natasha.
Putting words to action, the strange trio tracked the young woman's footprints to the Veronica Lake shore where the trail ended.
"Something bad has happened to Boris, the poor darlink," Natasha moaned as she choked back tears.
"Look," said Rocky, "there's a boat out on the lake."
Natasha and Bullwinkle looked in the direction Rocky was pointing and saw a small cabin cruiser just off shore. The craft was under power and traveling slowly in tight but erratic circles.
"Maybe the pilot has seen your friend," said Bullwinkle.
"Looks like pilot has seen nothing but bottle," Natasha replied. "He looks drunk."
"I swear I've seen that kind of boatmanship somewhere before," said Rocky. "Ahoy the boat," the intrepid squirrel called. A man appeared and waved.
"Hi, Rocky. Hi, Bullwinkle," yelled the man. "How are you?"
Sure enough, the pilot of the small craft was none other than Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz, former naval officer and present skipper of the liner S.S Andalusia. Captain Peachfuzz acquired his unfortunate nickname in the navy. He was ordered to sail his ship to the Antarctic and wound up in Tahiti. After being relieved of his command and drummed out of the navy, the good captain purchased the S.S. Andalusia, made possible through an inheritance. On her maiden voyage, Captain Peachfuzz sailed the Andalusia in circles for four days. Rather than staging a mutiny the crew constructed a phony wheelhouse and fooled their captain into thinking he was piloting the vessel.
"Have you seen a young lady in a pink dress wandering around here?"
"You mean my fiancée?" The sought-after young lady appeared beside Captain Peachfuzz and waved.
"It's Boris!" Natasha cried. "Did you say fiancée? Impossible!"
"It's not impossible," Peachfuzz replied. "This beautiful young lady has agreed to become Mrs. Peter Peachfuzz. We're going to be married on the high seas. I'll perform the ceremony myself. That's my right as a ship's captain, you know."
"But you don't understand," said Rocky. "She's not who you think she is."
"I know who she was, Rocky, and I don't care. She's the love of my life and I'll send you guys another bomb if you try to change her back."
"That was you?"
"Yes it was," Peachfuzz replied. "Could you do me a favor, Rocky? I'm trying to find my way out of here. Could you point me in the right direction?"
"It's that way, Captain," said Rocky and pointed. Captain Peachfuzz saluted and turned the boat in the direction indicated.
"Why did you do that, Rocky," exclaimed Bullwinkle. "Now he'll escape with our meal ticket."
"This is Captain Peachfuzz we're dealing with, remember?"
"Oh yeah," Bullwinkle replied, "I think."
Rocky knew his man apparently. Not long after started moving off in one direction, Captain Peachfuzz steered the craft back toward where the trio was standing.
"He'll probably run the boat aground this time," said Rocky.
"I'm not taking chance," said Natasha and took aim with her ray gun.
The mighty moose tackled the perilous Pottsylvanian but she was still able to get off her shot and a tremendous explosion blew apart the craft sending pieces of wreckage and billowing smoke everywhere.
"Captain Peachfuzz," wailed Rocky.
"Darlink," wailed Natasha.
"Our meal ticket," wailed Bullwinkle.
Things look grim for the occupants of that boat. Is this the end of everything?
"What the heck is going on," screamed the distinctive voice of Boris Badenov.
"Boris, you're back!"
"Of course I'm back, Natasha," he said as stood in the shallow water just offshore. "Uh, where have I been?" He noticed the pink dress he was wearing. "Hoo boy! On second thought, I don't want to know."
"What about Captain Peachfuzz?" Rocky said.
"If you mean that girl in the uniform, she's all right. Just fainted."
"Did you say she? Oh, well. We still have the ray gun. We can switch her back."
"I hate to break this to you, Rocky," said Bullwinkle, "but I stepped on the gun. It's crushed to smithereens."
This is a fine kettle of fish. How can this ever be resolved?
"With cinema magic, of course," said Boris Badenov. "Time has passed. Allow me to introduce my bride, Petra Badenova."
Wow! Congratulations to the bride and groom. When did this happen?
"Just now," said Rocky. "I gave away the bride and acted as best squirrel. The mayor of Frostbite Falls presided."
"I was maid of honor," said Natasha. "I'm so happy for you, Boris."
"I'm happy too, Natasha," said Boris. "Just don't tell Central Control. They don't approve of happiness."
"I was an usher and hat rack," said Bullwinkle.
Well, this is a first; a finale where everyone's happy.
"Excuse me, Boris my love."
"Yes, Petra my sweet?"
"I have the strangest craving... for maybe squirrel pie or leg of moose. Am I being silly?"
"Not at all," Boris replied. "In fact, I'll get you both. Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
"I'm outta here, Rocky!"
"Wait for me, Bullwinkle!"
"Come back here, you two. You'll disappoint new bride and expectant mother."
It looks like this adventure isn't ending on a happy note after all... especially if our heroes are caught. Be with us next time, if there is a next time, for the Adventures of Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose.