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# 9 A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask
the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the
front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both startled and he
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if
your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room
1221."

# 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the
bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender
inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you
celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first
blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a
7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6
shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

#7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American
Indians have the longest average penis and
Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He
coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet
you."

# 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and
starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back
over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been
employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be to
embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks
later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously
wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do
you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My
God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle
slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4 A man was visiting his wife in hospital where
she has been in a coma for several years. On
this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she
lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the
doctor who says this is a good sign and
suggests he should try rubbing her right breast
to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in
and rubs her right breast and this brings a
moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the
man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will
wait outside as it is a personal act and he
doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The
man goes in then comes out about five minutes
later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his
wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to
which the man replies: "She choked."
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He
turns
to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator
will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man
stood up
on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a
minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator
opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals
unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks
were delivered. The man stood up again and
made
another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the
bar.
A woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle."

# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he
gets
in he notices a huge black dude standing next to
him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small
white
guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner
Brown"

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy
and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him
and
asks the small white guy.

"What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what
did you
say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot
tall,
350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought
you
said 'Turn around.'"

# 1
There was this couple who had been married for
50
years. They were sitting at the breakfast table
one
morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50
years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago
we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably
sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...should
we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down
at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as
they
were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's
in
your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
47 comments

Anonymous readerReport

2014-03-04 18:42:47
Much of the fear and loathing QuotesChimp feel toward auto in�surance companies comes from their knowledge that if they use their insurance, their company will make them pay dearly for the privilege or cancel them altogether, even if they are not at fault. This inequity can be substantially reduced if companies are compelled by law to offer policies in which the consumer is guaranteed renewal, without a rate increase above that charged all other policyholders as approved by the state insurance com�missioner. The only grounds for an individual increase in pre�miums (other than changes in the risk of coverage, such as the purchase of a new car) would be a poor driving record based on the concept of fault. In other words, if you made claims against the company for benefits as the result of an accident that was not primarily your fault, your rates could not be raised.

Unknow userReport

2014-01-03 18:30:43
Nice i like you jokes very much

anonymous readerReport

2013-12-05 19:25:15
Hey, I don't mind even if they are copied, I had not heard most of them. Thanks.

anonymous readerReport

2013-10-18 01:30:28
I'm imedssepr. You've really raised the bar with that.

anonymous readerReport

2013-08-06 22:34:35
Jagger!?!?!? Did he not have enough bad taste in his mouth yet?

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