I had to condense the chain of events a bit, but this story is still true.
“So…. Tell me exactly what happened.” My husband began. “I want to know everything.”
He seemed too calm. Still crying, still visibly upset, but yet far too calm for a man in his position.
I told him the truth, not leaving anything out. I told him all I could about the stranger. I even told him about the drugs, fearing his reaction to that nearly as much as the cheating itself.
“What were you thinking? Why on Earth would you do drugs? Do you realize all we stand to lose if you’re asked to take a drug test anytime soon? Why did you leave with him? You knew very well what his intentions were. He could have been a serial killer… You don’t know this man, you don’t know his character. And if something had happened nobody would have known where to look for you… for your body. I’d have been left wondering what happened to my wife…. It would have been like you just poof vanished. You are too intelligent a woman for this crap…” He lectured on and on.
“I don’t know what I was thinking…. That’s just it! It felt so good to be wanted again… I haven’t felt that for far too long!” I was beginning to get angry with him. In the back of my mind I kept questioning why he wasn’t angry with me.
“I’m so sorry I failed to show you the love and attention you deserve. You should know how attracted I am to you, how attracted I’ve always been to you. What can I do to fix this? Tell me what I can do.”
Now I was dumbfounded. Nothing about this seemed right. Again, I brushed those thoughts aside, telling myself I should be grateful he doesn’t want to murder me, or worse leave me. I mean, aren’t I lucky to have such a forgiving husband?
“I can’t talk about this anymore. I need sleep to clear my head. I can’t think straight right now.” My rational side was returning, and it knew I needed rest. My whole body was weak, I was an emotion wreck. We could talk more later.
“You’re right. Let me help you to bed.” He wrapped his arm around me lifting me out of the chair. Having been planted in that seat for hours I hadn’t realized how sore I was. My legs were shaky as he guided me through the house. After laying me in our bed he got in behind me. He stayed there spooning me as I fell into a deep sleep. I was flooded with nightmares, thoughts and images I couldn’t chase away.
I awoke hours later to my phone ringing. One glance at the caller id and I groaned, hitting the ignore button. Looking through my messages I rolled my eyes.
“Why the hell does she have to stick her nose in everybody’s business?” I wondered out loud.
My “best friend” had called/texted several times already. She just had to know why I didn’t go home like I said I was. Where had I been when my husband was trying to contact me? Why I didn’t answer his calls? Why why why…. Why couldn’t she just leave us alone???
I wanted so bad to turn off my phone and ignore the whole world for a while, but I couldn’t.
I texted back – nothing just personal issues we are dealing with
- What personal issues? Why can’t you tell me?
- We’re just going through a lot right now
- Why won’t either of you tell me what the heck is going on?
Ok, pause…. “Either of us?” I thought. “What the hell was she doing trying to pry info from my husband? Who am I kidding; of course she would do that! How typical!”
- I’ll call you tomorrow. I don’t feel so well today
- Ok whatever
About that time my husband came in. “Who are you texting?” He questioned.
“Our bestest friend, who else… She wants to know what’s going on.”
“Oh, yea she’s been texting me too, but I didn’t reply.”
“I know, she told me.”
There was a long awkward pause. Neither of us knowing what to say.
He broke the silence first. “So…. What now?”
“I was hoping you’d tell me.”
“I’d like to work toward putting all of this behind us. I want to make this work.”
We hugged each other for the longest time. My biggest fear was losing him, and at that moment it seemed that was not going to happen.
A few days passed. We had so many deep conversations trying to figure what was lacking in our marriage, or in ourselves. One thing remained constant, we both wanted to do whatever we must to repair the damage.
We were lying in bed in the wee hours of the morning. We’d been up most the night just talking.
“Are you asleep?” He asked quietly.
“No….” Truth was I hadn’t been sleeping well at all due to the nightmares.
“I need you.” He whispered softly.
“I’m not sure I’m ready…. Why would you even want me right now….”
“Oh baby, don’t talk like that. I always want you. And right now I need you so bad. I hate knowing the last man to touch you, to be inside you, was a stranger. I need to reclaim what’s mine.”
It made sense. Maybe we needed to make love to help cleanse things so to speak.
I turned to face him. Looking deep into his eyes I knew it was time. I needed him as much as he needed me.
We began kissing passionately. His hand caressing my face and running through my hair. Our bodies pressed tightly together. I felt at home in his arms.
“I love you baby.” He said in between kisses.
He rolled me onto my back. His hands took hold of the hem of my shirt and lifted it above my head. Then swiftly removed the few garments of clothing he had on. He propped himself up on his elbow beside me, taking a moment to just gaze down at me. Then he placed his fingertips on my forehead. He worked the tips of his fingers so softly and slowly over my face. My eyes closed automatically. His fingers continued on down my neck, between by breasts, circling one boob at a time but avoiding my nipples. Then he trailed down my belly and stopped at my panty line.
This was more than sex to us. All we had at that moment was one another, that night. We put thoughts of the past week away as we savored every feeling.
He slipped his hands under my panties, sliding them excruciatingly slow down my legs. Goosebumps formed as he left kisses down one leg and up the other. He spread my legs apart, and then pressed his lips on my slit. He kissed his way up and down my pussy. The slow pace at which he kept things was almost painful for me. I wanted to feel his tongue so bad. Sensing my frustration he began to slip his tongue between my pussy lips. Slithering it up and down, never quite reaching my clit and never applying enough pressure to enter me. He was teasing my like crazy.
“Please baby… you’re driving me insane!” I begged.
“Shhhhh….” Was his only reply.
His tongue continued to tease. His fingers interlocked with mine. Small moans escaped me. And without warning his tongue dipped deep into my pussy.
“Ahh…” I cried out. My body already on the brink.
He nudged my clit lightly with his nose as his tongue slid in and out of me, then up and down, and then back in. This went on forever it seemed. Just as I was ready to explode he stopped and began kissing his way back up my body.
“Not yet baby, I want to cum with you…” His words were so seductive.
Our hands remained intertwined as our mouths and tongues danced together. Now in position, he gradually pushed his throbbing member deep inside my tunnel. My walls tightened, clinging on to his hard cock.
“I love you.” We both whispered at the same time.
His movements were slow and deliberate. He wanted to prolong this moment so we could both savor every sensation. I moved my hips in time to the rhythm he’d created. We were moaning into the others mouth. In….out….in….out… We kept the same steady pace till we were both transferred to some other universe. A place of pure pleasure and passion and love. As if one person, reading our combined minds, we both began to increase our pace. We were nearing the finish line together.
“I’m…. I’m…. Cumming!” I screamed out.
“Me…. Ugh… too…. Ahhhh!”
My eyes blurred with tears. It was the utmost perfect, blissful act of love I’d ever experienced.
He rolled off me and pulled me to his side. My head fit nicely snuggled under his shoulder. I slept, without nightmare, cuddled next to my husband. Safe once again in his arms.
When I woke I decided it was time to tell my “best friend” what I’d done. “Better get it over with.” I reasoned with myself. I called her and asked her to meet me later that day. We chose a shopping center near my house.
She arrived shortly after me. “Well what’s been going on?” She wasted no time getting to the point.
She seemed fidgety as we stood there, me trying to find the words.
Tears threatened to fall but I wouldn’t allow it. “That night at the bar… well after I left…. I… well I…. I cheated!” I finally blurted out.
It took forever for her to speak. “I’m not sure how to respond… I’m definitely surprised. You haven’t had sex with your husband since have you? Cause you might wanna get tested first. Who knows what kinda STDs that man had?”
Although I saw her logic, it wasn’t exactly any of her business. I just agreed that I would be getting myself checked out soon.
We didn’t say much else. Now she knew, which meant it wouldn’t take long before everyone knew. I told her I had some errands to run and that I’d text her later.
When I got back home my husband asked how it went.
“Fine I suppose. I’m just glad that’s over with. She thinks I should get tested for STDs.”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“I know…. I’ll call and make an appointment tomorrow.”
Later that afternoon as my husband was showering I noticed his cell phone blinking. I checked to find a text from my “best friend” stating that she was there if he needed anyone to talk to.
I was annoyed to say the least. I decided to text her back.
- I’ve been talking with my wife. We just need space to rebuild.
- Can you meet with me tomorrow during your break?
- What for?
- So you we can talk just the two of us
- We can talk around my wife. I don’t hide anything from her
- Yea sure you don’t
What the hell did she mean by that? I resisted the urge to ask. I shut his phone and placed it back where he’d left it.
I allowed my unanswered questions to stew in the back of my mind the rest of the day. Even into the night. We settled down to bed early. Once I hear him snoring I made my way quietly out of the house. I sat outside for an hour or so just replaying so many things in my head. So many conversations. It was as if I had found a huge puzzle and was trying to piece it together without the picture for guidance.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I stormed into my bedroom switched on the light and began shaking my husband violently.
“What… what’s going on?” He was half asleep, but I didn’t care. I was determined he was going to wake right then and give me the answers I sought.
“What is it I don’t know? And you better be honest with me!” I demanded without explanation.
“Whoa what are you talking about?”
I showed him the texts from earlier.
“Now explain to me what the fuck she’s talking about!” I wasn’t backing down and I wasn’t being the least bit patient.
“How would I know? I don’t even know why you’re friends with her.”
I refused to be played. “If you don’t start being 100% truthful with me I will leave this instant. I’m not joking. This is your last chance to tell me what the fuck she knows that I don’t!”
He just looked at me like I’d gone insane. Maybe I had. But I knew… somehow I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me and I wouldn’t stand for it anymore. I flung the closet door open, hauling out the suit case, ripping my clothes from hangers and stuffing them in the luggage.
“Baby calm down…” He tried to reason with me.
“I’m serious! I will pack all my shit and go stay with my parents! And I’ll take the kids with me!”
He sat down and hung his head for a few minutes. Then he stood, walked over to me, grabbed me by the arm, and practically dragged me outside.
“Sit.” He commanded.
He lit a cigarette for each of us. I took a drag of mine as he paced back and forth. The hand he wasn’t holding his cigarette with was balled into a fist. I’d never seen him like that before.
As he positioned himself in a chair directly in front of me I could see he was holding back tears.
“I love you with all my heart. I want you to know that. I couldn’t stand to lose you. You have to understand that.” He seemed more distraught now than when I’d confessed to him.
“Just tell me!” I had to know.
“I kissed her….” He paused, waiting for my reaction. I stared at him blankly. “That night her and I went and played pool.”
“I knew it! I knew something happened that night, but you made me feel like some paranoid controlling wife! I knew when the place closed, I was worried sick when all I kept getting was your voicemail! I never believed your story! I begged and pleaded with you to tell me what happened, but you and her insisted nothing had!” To say I was furious was an understatement.
He had his head in his hands crying.
“What else? Did you fuck her that night too? That was a long time to be gone for just kissing!”
“No…. no….” He trailed off.
He stood and began pacing once again.
“Don’t bullshit with me! This is your opportunity to come clean… you won’t get another chance like this. I’m listening.”
Sitting back down he looked me straight in the eyes. He took my hands in his and I could feel him trembling.
“I never meant for it to happen….” He was reluctant to open up.
“So you did fuck her that night while I was sitting here at home worried sick!” I accused.
“No…. we just made-out…” He lowered his head and stared at the ground. “We just made-out that night. Then we started meeting up. Just to talk…. And kiss some. She said she had a crush on me. We…. I…. She would text me sometimes…. Sent a few photos… you know. I sent some to her also. One morning during my hour break I went over there… to their house. He was at work and their kids were sleeping…….. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much.”
“And what? Tell me what happened!” I had to hear it from him.
“I fucked her! Is that what you wanted to hear?” He was angry, but not with me, with himself. He seemed so ashamed. “Good he should feel ashamed!” I thought.
There are no words to accurately convey my emotions at that moment. Betrayed, hurt, devastated, disgusted, foolish, heartbroken…. None truly delve deep enough to characterize the soul crushing, black hole that was now inside me.
“I knew it was a mistake… I wish I could take it back. I felt awful knowing what I’d done. She wanted to continue. And we did for a bit. The last time I touched her was that night you went to the movies with her husband…. I ended it soon after. I told her I loved you and only you. We agreed not to tell anyone. I wanted to tell you so many times. I was so afraid you’d leave. I don’t know what I’d do if you left me….”
No tears fell. I made no sound. I didn’t move. I didn’t blink. I had stopped breathing.
Somehow deep down I’d known, but to finally hear the truth was more than I could handle. My “best friend” and my husband…. How could they? And also, who was I to judge? No, I had every right to judge! I never touched her man, I never would have. That bitch! I wanted to kill her. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die myself.
“Why her? Why my “best friend”? If you’d been honest with my that night it would of ended there…. I can’t believe this is happening!” Now I was sobbing uncontrollably. The flood gates had opened and there was no stopping my emotional down pour.
“I don’t deserve you baby. I’m so sorry. I’m not even attracted to her. I was curious and horny. That sounds awful but you know what I’m saying.”
I didn’t want to hear anymore. “Shut up! Fuck you! Fuck her! I can’t be near you right now!”
He reached for me. “Don’t you dare fucking touch me!”
I ran inside. Changed into jeans, a t-shirt, and hoodie. I picked up my purse on my way out. He was still sitting there crying when I walked out. I quickly hopped into my car and sped away before he could stop me.
I was barely down the street when he called. I didn’t answer. I texted him to leave me alone then set my cell to silent. I considered calling her or just showing up, but I didn’t want anything to do with her ever again. There wouldn’t be any satisfaction in confronting her. She was dead to me now.
I didn’t know where I was going. I was just driving, my mind on autopilot. As I dug around in my purse in search of my cigarettes I found a crumbled piece of paper with a phone number on it….. Suddenly, the only thing I wanted was revenge. Yes revenge seemed like a perfect idea.