These days, no matter what your type is, there's a vampire for you.
As the sun went down, Lenore crawled from her shallow grave, hunger gnawing at her insides.

At the same time, Lord Varlock rose from his coffin, driven from the dreamless sleep of death by a most unholy craving.

And, on the other side of town, Daniel got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and mixed himself a smoothie out of pig's blood and cherry Kool-Aid (because drinking blood straight gave him gas).

Lenore was dressed in the ragged cerements of the grave, smeared with dirt and spotted with mold. She crept along on all fours, hiding in dark alleys and behind hedgerows, skulking and stalking.

Lord Varlock wore his finest tailored suit and most expensive black cape. He called his servants to prepare the carriage and horses, as he was going out to mingle with society.

Daniel put on sweats and an old Invader Zim tshirt with a bloodstain on the sleeve, then sat down to watch the Futurama marathon on channel three.

His phone went off. It was Jenna.

"Hi honey!" he said.

"Daniel, where are you?" said Jenna.

"I just got up," he said, taking a swig of cherry-flavored blood. "Are you coming over?"

"Hone-yyyyy," said Jenna, "you're supposed to be taking me to Lianne's party tonight!"

"I am?"

"Yes! It's Halloween and I want everyone to see that I'm dating a vamp-iiiiire! They'll all be super jealous!"

"But that makes me feel so objectified?"

Jenna made a little tsk noise. "Just get over here! And put on your costume!"

"What costume?"

"The vampire costume!"

"But I'm a vampire already?"

"Yes, but I want everyone to be able to te-lllll!"

She hung up.

Daniel sighed and finished his smoothie. Relationships are about making sacrifices, he reminded himself, and turned the TV off. Before he left he made sure to set the TiVo. The Big Bang Theory was on tonight.


Lenore followed the sound of loud music and people talking. The streets were too crowded tonight and she couldn't drag away a victim without being seen, but perhaps this house full of strange noises and stranger people would afford her easier prey.

She slipped in through an open window in a back bedroom and crept along the floor. There was someone nearby, passed out drunk. In the dark, she could smell him. She crept closer. The smell became stronger. She bared her fangs. She was almost there. The smell was-


The drunk man rolled over and belched in his sleep, scratching his hairy belly. Lenore sniffed him once more and moved on. Even she had standards.

Lord Varlock arrived on foot. After the police pulled his carriage over for the third time for obstructing traffic it had become more expedient just to walk. He followed two delicious-looking girls to the party, and spied the two-story house on the corner, alive with lights and music and conversation.

He chuckled at seeing the young people in their Halloween costumes. "Ah, mortals," he said, running a gloved hand along his black goatee, "how foolishly they embrace the trappings of death, never realizing how close they really are to the true and final touch of-

"Wait, are they playing Chris Brown? Really? That is so inappropriate..."

He waited at the door for twenty minutes trying to find the correct person to invite him in. Finally he settled for following the pizza guy in, on the grounds that getting permission from someone with permission was close enough.

Daniel arrived in his girlfriend's Hyundai. She led him in by the hand, but he tried to linger by the door.

"Honey," he said, "I'm not comfortable with this."

"Oh stop complaining, you look fine."

"But why did you have to put all this heavy white makeup on me?"

"You need to look pale and dramatic."

"I look anemic."

"You could pull the look off if you tried. Here, bare your fangs."

"But I don't have fangs?"

"Then bare your dental work. That bridge is pretty scary."

Daniel did his best. He looked like he was perpetually just about to sneeze.

"How's that?" he said.

Jenna was dressed as a cat, and she flicked her tail as she appraised him. "You're doing it wrong. Try smoldering."

"What's smoldering?"

"It's a kind of glower. Only sexy. It's a vampire thing."

"Then why don't I know what it is?"

"Oh come one!" she said, dragging him inside.


Lenore sat on the stairs, confused. There were a lot of people around, but none of them seemed appetizing. She picked grave mold from under he ragged fingernails and assessed the nearest partiers. This one smelled like a hemophiliac, and those were never filling. That one over there had more rum in his veins than anything else, and she was going sober this year. Her stomach growled. This was looking to be a long night.

A drunk teenager sat next to her and looked at the torn winding sheet wrapped around her body. "Cool costume!" he said.

She snarled.

"Do you want to go upstairs?"

She sniffed him. Leukemia. He probably didn't know. She patted his head once, gave a little nod of pity, and crawled away. There had to be something around here she could eat.

Lord Varlock was finding that this was not the kind of party he was acclimated to. For one thing, when he dramatically swept into a room everyone didn't suddenly stop talking so that he could introduce himself. They didn't even turn down the music.

He tried harder. "Good evening," he said to a pretty blond thing, "I am Lord-"

"Oh my god, Jell-O shooters!" she said, and ran to the bar.

He tried again, flagging down a group of girls near the window.

"Listen to them," he said, "children of the night!" He waited. Usually when he said that a wolf howled. He strained to hear. It didn't sound like there was one?

"Listen to them, children of the night!" He waited again. The girls looked at him strangely. He cleared his throat. "I said, listen to-WILL YOU TURN THAT DOWN PLEASE?"

The girls laughed and walked away. "What music they make!" he called after them. He cursed. Maybe I'm out of practice, he thought.

Daniel was having trouble keeping up with Jenna. She kept pulling him into new rooms, then insisting that they stand in a prominent place and pose with her back to him and his arms around her. Then, once she was sure everyone had seen them, they went to another room.

"I just don't think you're actualizing my needs," he said.

"Are you feeling any dark, unholy cravings right now?" she said.

"I could go for a Butterfinger."

Jenna rolled her eyes and jumped up and down. "Hone-yyyyy, you need to try harder. Lianne is around here somewhere and I want her to be super jealous!"

Daniel counted to three in his head and reminded himself that he needed to prioritize his partner's immediate and circumstance-specific goals over his general and non-specific ones.

"I'm sorry baby," he said. "What do you need me to do?"

"Could you have a crisis of conscience over whether or not you're going to attack me and drink my blood?"

"Um...would it help?"

She nodded her head vigorously.

"Okay, how?"

"Just run out of the room and yell at me to stay away from you. Then just kind of brood around for a while, and maybe find some other girl and almost attack her instead, but then come find me when you realize you can't go through with it."

"That, um, sounds like you put a lot of thought into it," he said.

"Danie-lllll, just do it, okay? For me?"

Daniel shrugged, then ran away looking as dramatic as he could. People in the room thought he must have stomachache.

He heard Jenna talking very loudly to another girl as he left: "Oh God, he's doing it again! I'm so afraid, but I know he loves me. You just can't imagine how conflicting this all is."

Lenore was about ready to give up when she caught a whiff of someone on the stairs. A young man who was apparently suffering from a stomachache ran past her. He smelled delicious. Very sweet. Almost like...cherries?

She followed him.

Lord Varlock was reminding himself that this kind of thing happens to every guy sooner or later and he shouldn't let it get to him. He just had to push through it. Eye of the tiger, he told himself.

He heard someone talking in the crowd, a redhead in a cat costume: "It's just one of those things you have to deal with when you're dating a vampire. You know, it's hard, dating a vampire I mean. All the vampirism, it's very conflicting."

His ears perked up. He approached her. She was talking to a knot of three girls, all of whom had their backs to her.

"Pardon me," he said, and then someone spilled beer on his cape. He sighed, then started again. "Pardon me, did I hear you say you had an interest in...vampires?"

Jenna turned around. "Oh yes, it's so incredibly complicated because my boyfriend is-" She looked up. A very tall, very pale, very handsome man dressed all in black was standing next to her. His lips twitched in a little smile.

"Oh!" she said.

"Ah, what were you saying about your boyfriend?" .

"Well, he's not really my boyfriend," Jenna said. "It's kind of a casual thing. We're just good friends really. In fact, I don't even know him. Who are you?" She leaned on his arm.

"Good evening," he said. "I am...Lord Varlock."

Outside, a little thunder rumbled. It was hard to hear over the music, but he was sure it was there.

"I just LOVE your accent," said Jenna. "It's so ambiguous."

"And I could listen to you talk for...all eternity," said Lord Varlock. "Perhaps we should-"

"Go upstairs? Alone? Right now? Yes!"

Lord Varlock thought this was the first time that his prey had ever dragged him away. But at least someone was talking to him now.


Daniel was upstairs, trying to figure out what to do next. A girl dressed as a cheerleader was half-passed out on the bed in the spare room. He sat down next to her, feeling awkward. She rolled over onto his lap.

"Um," he said. "I just think you should know that I'm feeling very conflicted about drinking your blood."

She left the room.

Was that okay, he thought, did I do it right? He figured that was good enough, and now it was best to just wait.

The door creaked open. Someone else came in. She was very pale, and her hair was wild, and her clothes were ripped and smeared with dirt. Daniel jumped up and went to her.

"Oh my God, are you okay? Did someone hurt you? Did you lose your rape whistle?"

The woman put her arms around his neck. He lost his balance and they both almost tipped over.

"Uh...can I help you?" he said. She put her face up against his neck. What was she doing? Was she...smelling him?

Lenore inhaled. Yes, there was definitely a cherry flavor to his blood. And processed sugar. Her stomach growled. Perfect.

Daniel backed away. "If you need me to call an ambulance, or your parents?"

She locked the hall door, then crept toward him.

"I could drive you to the hospital?"

He tried to bolt for the door to the adjoining room, but she blocked his way.

"Um...I think you should know I'm feeling very conflicted about drinking your blood," he said.

Lenore pounced.

In the next room, Jenna locked the door. Lord Varlock posed by the window, one arm holding his cape back.

"Listen to them," he said. "Children of the night."

Somewhere outside, a wolf howled. Yes!

"What music they make!" he said. "I feel as though only they truly-"

Jenna threw herself at him and pushed him against the wall. He bit his tongue in mid-sentence.

"You're a vampire, right? Like, a real one?"

"Well...yes," said Lord Varlock.

"Are you going to ravish me?"

"I was getting around to it."

"Would it help if you hypnotized me? I'm very hypnosis-prone. Watch, I'll be completely in your power."

She pulled his head down to hers and stared into his eyes. Lord Varlock tried his best to stare back, but his nose itched and it broke his concentration a little. Jenna swooned and crumpled to the floor. She said "Ow!" as her head hit the carpet with a loud thump. Lord Varlock winced. He guessed he was supposed to catch her.

He lifted her ("Oh God," thought Jenna, "he's totally draping me across his arms right now! We must look so good!") and laid her on the bed. He clawed at the collar of her costume, tearing her top down the front ("That was brand new!"). He cupped her voluptuous white bosom in his hands ("Here we go, Mr. Grabby,"), and the sight of tender, naked flesh awakened his inhuman hunger. He bared his fangs and growled deep in his throat ("What's that noise he's making? He didn't get his already, did he?").

He climbed onto the bed and pinned her down. He was hungry for the warm blood of the living, but this woman's unearthly beauty had awakened an older desire, one he thought forever extinguished. He ripped the rest of her costume off and spread her legs, running his hands over her creamy white thighs.

Ah, so young, so fragile, so much like her, his lost love. How beautiful she, too, had been, but that beauty was gone now, blown away on the winds of time like the petals of the roses she'd loved so-

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, could get my purse?" said Jenna.

"You're hypnotized," said Lord Varlock.

"I know, I totally am, it's just, really quick, my diaphragm is in there."

Lord Varlock paused. Then he handed her her purse.

There was a banging and a crash from the next room. "I wonder what that is?" said Lord Varlock.

"Maybe we should be making some noise of our own?" said Jenna. "Ya know? Hello? Hell-ooooo?"

"Still hypnotized."

"Oh yeah." Her head lolled.

Meanwhile, Daniel grabbed another picture frame from the wall and smashed it over Lenore's head. It didn't phase her. He tried another one. No good. He went for the framed class photo, but dropped it on his foot. He looked around for anything else to defend himself with. He'd already run out of lamps.

Lenore grabbed him and threw him on the floor, trapping him between her thighs. She ripped his shirt off and bared her fangs, plunging them toward his neck. He put two hands on her forehead and pushed her away.

"I really think it's better if we just stay friends," he said.

She hissed.

"It's just that I'm in a committed relationship. You're a very attractive ghoul and I'm sure there are any number of guys-"

She gave up on the neck and tried biting his wrist. Daniel was digging through his pockets with his free hand. Where was that rape whistle?

Next door, Lord Varlock ran his hands over the entranced(??) girl's naked body and prepared to enter her. It had been so long, and he thought he would never enjoy this human pleasure again. He thought he would never again feel...never again...never...ahem....

"Do you, um, need a little help?" said Jenna.

"No, I got it," he said.

"It's just, I have lube?"

"No, I'm just at a bad angle. Put your leg up a little?"

"Like this?"

"No, the other leg."

"Wait, what if I go like this and-"

"Enough!" said Lord Varlock, seizing the naked girl by the throat. He bared his fangs. "The time has come! You will yield up your life to me, but I will make you immortal, and you will forever be my bride, all the rest of the long nights of eternity?"

"OH-EM-GEE, for serious?!"


"Lianne is SO going to be jealous now! Wait, how big is your place? Are you going to want to meet my parents? You're not one of those guys with like three wives already sleeping in coffins in your basement are you, because it's like I told Baron Niklaus if you're asking me to make a serious commitment then I need you to at least meet me halfway because, HELL-OOOOO, I've got prospects and I'm not going to settle for-wait, where are you going?"

"Who, me? Nowhere, I'm not going anywhere."

"Then why are walking to the door?"

"It's just I thought I heard someone calling me."

There was a crash and a thump from next door, and a muffled voice screaming "No means no!"

"Yes, that's definitely for me," said Lord Varlock. "Be right back. Stay hypnotized, okay?"

Daniel finally pushed Lenore off and ran to the adjoining door. He pulled it open and barreled into a tall man in a black cape without any pants on. They both fell over, and Lenore ran after him, tripping over the both of them and landing on top.

"Daniel!" said Jenna.

"Jenna!" said Daniel.

"Who is this woman?"

"Who is this man?"

"That's not important!" said Jenna. "He had me hypnotized."

"I really didn't," said Lord Varlock.

"Well she tried to kill me!" said Daniel.

"Grrr!" said Lenore.

Jenna put her bra and panties on and grabbed Daniel by the hand, stomping out of the room. "Come on!" she said. "We're going to go have a long talk about my needs, and then you're going to ravish me."

"Can't we just cuddle?" said Daniel. They closed the door behind them.

Lord Varlock looked at Lenore. Lenore looked at Lord Varlock.

Outside, a wolf howled.

"So," he said. "Do you come here often?"

Anonymous readerReport

2014-05-11 09:39:36
Im so lost funny as hell though come on sequal seqaul sorry not a good speller

Anonymous readerReport

2014-03-22 15:11:36
pfjojH Thanks a lot for the blog post.Really thank you! Want more.

anonymous readerReport

2013-10-23 19:02:46
johNLt Looking forward to reading more. Great blog article. Awesome.

anonymous readerReport

2013-09-26 20:28:14
Lmao at this one... No means no!

anonymous readerReport

2011-11-26 02:26:38
Aha! A funny story from your stable... You prove again that you're a versatile writer...

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