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There really is going to be a true story before the end of this...,. If you're looking for a true story about sex, that's the next true story over, please don't waste your time....

More years ago than I care to admit sometimes and for reasons I don't have the time or desire to get into right now, I came to a point where all I really wanted was a straight answer in life-- about anything. Since then I've built a life on that basis. A few years ago, I came here partly for the obvious reasons, and partly because I wanted to explore certain.....things..... I also figured that if some of my male associates busted a good nut over my writings, then so much the better. "Venting" and exploring....against my better judgment here on an Internet forum...was my second option. The first option was to go back therapy (hence the screen name). Well, even if I could afford $125 a week again, I was sure that I didn't want to spend all that cash even it was investing in myself. It adds up after awhile, ya know?

Therapy really did get me through a difficult time in my life (multiple deaths in the family "one after another"), but at the time we didn't continue long enough to get down to the bottom of whatever it is that I'm looking for. My therapist was openly gay and I'm not. He was "up front" about it at the outset so in that respect I was pretty cool with it, but I consented to continue because I hurt *that* bad and didn't know of anyone else to call that was a "qualified" therapist. This isn't the true story I was referring to above, but here's another one-- it's funny now but it really wasn't at the time. I'd been seeing this older gentleman therapist once a week for about three months-- just long enough for him to start really getting into my head. So this one afternoon the strain on my wallet was starting to annoy me and I started pressing him for some "progress" again. He gently stated that I had some "anger issues" (no shit, who doesn't?). What's so funny was that he suggested that I take some ballet classes. Like I said, he was just starting to get inside my head-- literally I almost jumped up and started wailing on the old fart right then and there in his plush office. I think he got the message that inside my head there was a GREAT BIG land mine and he just stepped on it. So, hesitantly, I came back the next week and he suggested that I take up some martial arts classes. My fear and anger subsided. "I think I can do that." I said. I came back the next week to declare that I had done that (I had) and end the relationship. Funny now, it wasn't at the time. I damn near beat him stupid on the spot a few weeks before.

Personally I really don't recommend doing this-- what I've been doing here at xnxx.com "off and on" over the last several months trying to find some sort of way to make peace with myself. I don't recommend it for no other reason than after writing about my "sick and twisted" fantasies, as I go about my day I find myself with these sudden urges to grope womens' big titties as I pass by them-- the urge is strong enough that often I catch myself almost actually doing it.. One possible consequence is having a little more than a LOT of explaining to do with my wife. The other is having to do that same explaining AFTER I've been hauled into Human Resources and fired for sexual harassment. So that begs the question:

Why? Why come here looking for things that I've been deliberately not remembering for 40 years? Why not "let sleeping dogs lie"? I've asked myself that very same question more than once. It really doesn't make sense other than I want to get better. Want to know or need to know it doesn't really matter....when I am honest with myself I think I need to do this....for me..... Like I said, some of my "brothers" will probably bust a good nut over some of my fictional writing too...not that I will ever benefit....but they will. So be it.

So...on to my true story....the reason why I came here this time....

I had this roommate (female) that I got along with just fine other than she had a real "deadbeat" boyfriend. Her three sons were teenagers, but other than that they were really cool. Among other issues, the boyfriend had a rather bad habit of going to jail on a pretty regular basis for one reason or another. The reason? Fill in the blank other than he was too chickenshit to do state or federal time. I came to terms with it eventually, but at one point I found myself trying to figure out why I shouldn't shoot the son of a bitch as opposed to why I should. I figured that once I had that nailed down, the mechanics of doing it and the legalities of the situation would fall in to place much easier after that.

I never found out why other than I was filling said roommate's head with good, nurturing ideas instead of tearing her down but the boyfriend had decided one day that he didn't want me in that apartment anymore. So I found out later-- he "dropped a dime" on my ass that resulted in her (the roommate) asking me to leave for shit that I really didn't do. Without any other place to go, I was *not* happy with her ass.

Eventually I found another place to live and months passed.....

Late one night, my cell phone goes off.... I pick it up and it's this X-roommate of mine. I still was rather pissed off at her, but willing and able to at least be civil through a phone conversation. I was unemployed at the time and had this honkin' big truck that got about 12 miles to the gallon on a good day. So come to find out, she was over across town at a bar and wanted a ride home. I had no gas for this sort of thing and had no intention of doing anything of the sort, but I didn't want to be rude and flat out tell her "No.". So we talked for awhile "catching up" on things and then she talked about how late it was getting and that she was on the wrong side of town that late at night. Up until that point I really couldn't have given a shit after she had kicked me out, but then she said that she had her two younger boys with her. Politely I made an excuse to have her put one of her boys on the phone and he answered it.

.o(Fuck. She's NOT lying just to get a free ride.)Oo.

I stalled to give me time to think and then eventually consented on the basis that I wasn't coming for her really, I was going to go get her because her boys were with her and I even told her this before we hung up. What the hell her boys were doing out there that late at night at a bar I never found out, but they were about 12 and 14 at the time. THAT's really why I went.

Eventually I even found them given the directions that she gave (she was at least a little drunk....) and picked them up. I hadn't seen them in so long that we proceeded with the formal "Hey, Hi, how ya doin'?" garbage and off we rode to the same apartment that she had kicked me out of months before. It was a bit of a drive-- especially in that gas guzzler of a tank-- so we kept talking and after awhile I remembered something that I had heard on the grapevine through a mutual friend:

"She likes lollipops."

Now that began screwing with my head for more reasons than one. The first was that I was single and long before I met my now wife so I was at least "looking for it" at any given moment on any given day. The other reason was that as much as I wanted it, I sure as hell knew that I didn't want the *baggage* that would come along with it-- the fact that I knew her three sons personally as a roommate and not a Dad and her dipshit boyfriend. Another thing that screwed with my head was that at one point she had admitted that numbnuts was in jail again so he wouldn't be home anytime soon....

Gratefully, we arrive at the driveway to her apartment and started our goodbyes. We had been talking long enough during the drive that her asking me to leave, although blatantly wrong I thought, did make sense from her point of view as to why she did it. True story now, although I liked her well enough other than that whole affair I wasn't paying attention to what was happening and about to transpire. To this day I don't know what it was other than A) I had never "come on" to her, B) she was drunk, or C) both.... She told the boys to go inside-- she wanted to talk to me about something for a minute. Now, the boys were more than old enough and they weren't stupid. They objected, they pleaded, she got out of the truck to "shoo" them inside, but eventually they obeyed and we were left alone. By then it had to be around 3 AM on a warm summer's evening.....

My ex-roommate then walks back around the front of my truck and and leans both arms on the windowsill next to me. We made innocent but private small talk for a minute or two candidly being honest about the shit that went down just before she asked me to leave and as we were about to go our separate ways, I couldn't believe it. This same woman that had just disposed of her teenage boys stared coming on to me. Suddenly my mind went from zero to sixty in point zero seconds.....

God knows I wanted to get laid and my head started imagining a long-lasting relationship with a "lived happily ever-after" ending. There was that and my head told me that after wasting all that gas I didn't really have to rescue her ass, at least a good blowjob was the least that she could do for me.

On the other hand, I knew that I didn't want to have to deal with re-engineering my relationships with her three boys and her pinheaded boyfriend in the morning. Of that I was more than sure.

Her "come on" line out of the way, she started trying to "coax" me into the apartment (she was also still a little drunk and I knew it). My head racing with objections as to why I should not do this thing, and although it wasn't entirely true, I defended myself with:

"It's okay, [this ride] is 'on the house'."

Damn if she didn't reach in and gently pull my chin in then planted a loving kiss on the lips. Like I said above, I have built a life on getting-- and giving-- a straight answer. I lovingly returned the kiss just as she had given me to let her know on a more personal level that I really did "get the message" and wanted her in that way. It took every fiber of my being to slide my kiss off to one side passing over her cheek. Still amorous but confused, she paused trying to assess the situation. Lovingly, she looked in my eyes and whispered:

"You're afraid of me, aren't you?" Christ, I never expected this line of attack! I had to pause to keep from losing the battle in my head-- she seemed to know me even better than I knew myself. I had to be honest.

"Yes." Getting some from her didn't scare me nearly as much as the bullshit that would come along with her offer. She herself was astonished.

"C'mon inside." She cooed. "It'll be okay." If she hadn't been before, she was pulling out all the stops now....

"So-and-so...." I said as gently, evenly, and lovingly as I could, "....I know what you are offering, and no I can't do that." Especially considering that she was still intoxicated, much to her credit she didn't get angry with me.

"Why not?" Was it a little painful for her to be spurned? I can't really remember for sure. I had to pause slightly to make sure that I worded it correctly. This was it, this was my last battlefield:

"...because I can't do that to your sons...." Once she took that in and processed it, she responded:

"You're a good man so-and-so." Tenderly, we said our goodbyes and I started the truck. It was a huge relief just to put it in gear and roll back out of the driveway......

A few days later, dipshit got my number from somewhere and called me. After he found out that I had given his girlfriend a ride home it pissed him off NO end. As much as I hated talking to the son of a bitch, at first I took great pleasure in him getting so upset. In the ensuing argument, I was glad that I could honestly defend myself "man to man" by saying: "NO! I didn't get any!" He didn't really know how to proceed with the fight after that.

I had already found another place to live on the other side of town-- I never saw much of the boys after that night. Later I had heard that dipshit had gone to jail again and she found the courage to move away without a forwarding address. Just hearing that made my day. I lost all respect for her when months later she called me out of the blue and admitted that she was back with him again. The interesting thing out of this whole mess was that the few times that I saw any of her boys, it was almost as if they "stopped their day on a dime" to talk to my ass. Maybe they looked up to me I guess....I don't really know for sure......

(Sigh) Okay, I'm done. I've spilled my guts about this. I have to wonder, what is it that I am looking for here? Absolution? Maybe. If so, then from what? I'm definitely not as pure as snow, but whatever it is that I'm trying to expunge has nothing to do with anything that I can remember....

(Lol....I can hear them now: "NO! Don't get better! Keep writing! I'm not done jacking off yet!!!)

(Sigh) You're at least fairly safe for now.... I'm not going to be stopping just yet. Without a guide to help me, this isn't easy finding my way back to wherever "health" really is. Maybe that's why I'm doing this....maybe someone will find my breadcrumbs and find their way......

(Sigh) So be it.....
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