Where to begin? Well, just so you understand me, there is a sort of nervous side to my personality, and sometimes it shows up in my writing. I read my own stuff, and it can make me laugh, it's just sounds so disjointed and high-strung.
But that's sort of how I am.
Here's my big news, my big brother David is going to come home sometime today. He's been away at college for almost a whole year, and I miss him terribly. I just want so badly to be together and hear his voice. I want to hear him call me "Little-Lisa-Baby" again.
He's called me Little-Lisa-Baby since we were little kids, it's endearing and I love it.
That's what I was thinking about as I lay in bed with the early morning light filling my bedroom.
Beyond that, the other thing I was thinking about, that I ALWAYS think about, was my breasts. Yes, this must sound weird, but I just can't help it. I can get sort of obsessive about them. I have little tiny trainee breasts. Well, anyway, that's what I call them. They are VERY small. I guess they stopped growing when I was about twelve years old. The rest of me is eighteen years old now, but my breasts are still in the seventh grade.
When I was eleven years old and my breasts first began to grow, I was so happy. Really, it was exciting and I wanted that womanly shape so bad. My Mom has big breasts and so do both my aunts. I expected something the same for myself. Needless to say, I wasn't just disappointed, but heartbroken.
And, to make matters worse, my best friend Elizabeth has big beautiful breasts. They are bouncy, full and round, and she gets all kinds of attention from the boys at school, a lot more than me. It's so unfair. And, in a way, Elizabeth can be a little bit mean about it. She is so proud, but it can come across as cruel sometimes.
My only sibling, my older brother, David, has been away at college for his freshman year. I am a year younger and I'm now a senior in High School.
We've always had a super good relationship, we're very close and it's always been totally wonderful being around David. Especially since Dad died, and I was just a little girl when that happened, and David has sort of played a kind of father role in my life. He's been so attentive and so kind to me. I love him so much, and I know he loves me too.
Neither of us has dated very much, well - I guess David has had a few steady girlfriends. But, I have never had a real boyfriend. I think part of that is my nervous personality, it must scare boys away. But, and this really bothers me, I think it's mostly my tiny chest. Why would anyone even want to be my boyfriend? David tells me not to worry like I do, about boys and my little breasts, but I just can't help it.
David has never had a really serious relationship. But knowing him like I do, that always seemed funny, especially because David is so sweet and cute. I never understood that. I guess that a lot of girls only like boys who are loud and manly. David isn't like that. He's calm and quiet, and there is a very real kindness that I just LOVE about him. Maybe I am the only one who sees it? Maybe to the rest of the world he just appears shy, but I know better. His kindness and support is something I depend on - I really do.
I've missed a lot of school this year, and I may not be able to graduate. I went through a difficult emotional time. I don't really know why, but it was a really hard thing for me to just do the day-to-day stuff that's expected of me. I just kind of withdrew into this sad and lonely place. Sometimes, I think it was because David went away to college, and I was here at home without him.
This must sound so pathetic, but it feels true. I really missed him. But - Thank God, he has been really good about calling me.
When I pick up the phone, he'll say, "Hi there Little-Lisa-Baby." Oh God, whenever I hear him say that, my heart will just soar.
He is SO attentive to me on the phone. Sometimes we talk, like, three times a day! It's helped me a lot, and I LOVE ever second on the phone with him. I have been totally honest about my worries and how scary it was to feel so lost and so insecure. David is so wonderful, maybe he doesn't have all the answers, but he was kind and a good listener, and that's what I needed.
I know this might sound weird, but David dated my best friend Elizabeth. It only lasted for a little while when he was still living here during the summer after he graduated from high school. At the time it was fine. But, it gets weird when she falls into her arrogant and bragging moods. Once, she even explained that she and David had - well - that they actually "did it" together, and she said he gave her a tremendous orgasm. She went on an on, explaining that he could fuck for a long time without cumming! I gotta say, that was weird for me to have to listen to. I mean, I really love my brother and hearing my friend go on and on was sort of upsetting.
Elizabeth broke it off with David; she seemed to hint that he was just too quiet. I don't think she really knew or understood him. He has such a sensitive way about him, and she couldn't see the thing that I love most about him.
It was weird, Elizabeth tried to hint that maybe my brother was gay. She thought that because he didn't seem all that interested in her big boobs. When she told me that it was almost like she felt she could control a lot of boys at school, and she couldn't really control David. So that meant he must be gay. Her logic seemed immature and self-centered.
Once, during a late night call with David - I got the nerve to ask him about his experiences with women - but what I REALLY wanted to know was about Elizabeth.
He told me some stuff, well - about how awkward dating in college can be - and even a little bit about Elizabeth. I tried to eek out some details, and I had to laugh when he called her breasts "saggy" - Hearing that made me so happy. He was quick to scold me, telling me it wasn't nice to laugh, and I scolded him right back, explaining that "saggy" wasn't a nice thing for him to say. He ended up laughing too, it was really funny.
I admitted that I knew he and Elizabeth had actually had sex together, and I wanted to know what it was like. It took a lot of nerve for me to ask about it, and I was scared he would be angry. But he was really kindhearted and open about what happened. He explained that it was a beautiful way to show affection, but that there wasn't enough connection between them, and it made him feel sad. He also said he thinks sex would be so more fulfilling if he were completely in love with the partner. He lamented that he's never experienced that deep love with anyone.
I didn't let him know that Elizabeth said she had a super intense orgasm when they were "doing it" together, but a part of me wanted to say something. I'm glad I didn't, I think it would have embarrassed him.
He seemed open to talking, and I appreciate his honesty. And, I guess I'm a little jealous of Elizabeth, because David is just so sweet and kind, and she got to experience something wonderful from him.
Sometimes I'll get all worried and sad during these late night phone calls. I've even shared my obsessive feelings and insecurities about my flat chest. I was really worried it would come across as totally weird, his little sister, talking about something so personal. But, as usual, he was simply wonderful. I think that when I tried to explain my true feelings and my anxieties about my tiny breast, he could hear the emotion in my voice. He knew it was a deep and serious thing for me.
David knows me so well, so he knows how sensitive I am about my tiny breast issues. I told him about Elizabeth, and the way she flaunts herself, by showing her cleavage, and purposely wearing clothes that would show off her big breasts. And she just seems to attract boys, and she makes sure to remind me about it. Why would my best friend act that way?
It just feels like the whole world wants bigger and bigger breasts. I don't know what's wrong with me, everything just seems to trap me in such a sad place, and it makes me sort of hate myself because of it.
But David saves me. He can be so deeply concerned and understanding. It's helped a lot to get his perspective. He's even said that a lot of boys (well, I guess men too) really like women with little tiny breasts. It seems funny, but for some reason, I NEVER really believed that.
He told me, "It's true Lisa, I think a lot of boys prefer girls with little boobs."
I asked, "Are you serious?"
He said, "Yes, and just so you know, I really love girls with little tiny breasts, I think they are beautiful."
Oh my god, that was the most wonderful thing he could have said to me. Just hearing that made my heart pound with excitement.
I couldn't help but think he was talking about ME, it felt like he was being appreciative of my chest. Oh God, I love him for being so nice to me.
I was so grateful that he actually told me that he "loves girls with little tiny breasts," He said it to me on the phone. He really said it! Hearing him say that warmed my heart, he was really thoughtful and kind. I was so RELIEVED when I hung up. I replayed that line in my head over and over. It was like some compulsive tape loop in my soul.
I am just so lost sometimes, and my problems are all scrambled together, my insecurities, my identity, my sadness and I guess my sexuality too. And David helps me with all of that. And it just feels so bad that he's away at school, and I'm here, all alone, I just feel so needy without him.
And then I thought about the most recent phone call I made to my brother. It was just two nights ago, I called him late at night in his dorm room and I was crying. I was really emotional and I just had to hear his voice. As soon as he said hello, I just sobbed, and I began to babble in an foolish way about awful I was feeling.
Then, I just sort of blurted out, "I had a - a - relationship with - with - a boy from school. It wasn't right, and it just ended."
I could tell that I surprised him, and he said, "Lisa? You never told me."
"I know, I'm sorry, I feel awful - like I was hiding it from you."
"I don't know. It was awkward."
"Oh Lisa, you should be able to share anything with me."
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course. I'm your brother."
Then I cautiously whispered, "David, I'm not a virgin anymore."
He was silent for just a moment, and then he asked, "Lisa, what happened?"
I spoke quietly, "It happened when both of us had been drinking, a lot. Mom was away, and it was in my room, and it was totally dark, so I didn't see anything, and I actually remember almost nothing. I think I was passed out when it happened. In the morning I woke up, he was gone, and there was blood on my sheets. I'm really confused, that night is just a blur, and I regret it."
"Oh Baby, please don't feel bad about it."
"I can't help it. It was so - well - sad - and it was so confusing. I mean - I guess I kind of wanted some kind of - I don't know - some tenderness, but he was just wasn't nice to me."
"Please, don't worry."
"What I want to say - what bugs me - I feel so - incomplete and I don't know what to do."
"Go on - I'm listening."
"After it happened, and I would see him in the halls at school, he wouldn't even look at me."
"Oh baby, that's terrible."
"And I heard, through someone else, that he talked about me."
"What did he say?"
"It was awful, he said that I was - that I my - that my breasts were too little, and that made me feel terrible."
I paused and got all quiet. Then I whispered, "He was so mean, I heard that he told his friends that I got - that I got..."
He tenderly whispered, "Little-Lisa-Baby, it's okay to tell me."
"Oh God, this is so embarrassing. I mean, he told his friends that my breasts were too small."
We were both silent after I said that, and I was so scared I had said too much.
Finally he said, "Lisa, when I look at you, I feel so lucky, you are more than just my little sister, you are the most important friend I could ever have. You are beautiful, and I love you with all my heart."
Oh my god, I felt so comforted, that he would say something so wonderful and kind.
Then he went on, "Really and truly. I love you so much - I'm always amazed, just to be near you."
I whispered, "Thank you. Oh God - thank you - It helps SO MUCH to hear you say that."
He whispered, "I just want you to know how much I care about you."
Then he cautiously added, "And I need you to know, that - that - I think you are beautiful, especially - your - lovely delicate little breasts."
I sort of gasped, "What? Really?"
He sounded so honest when he whispered, "It's true, I love your tiny little breasts, they are absolutely perfect."
I was suddenly overwhelmed with relief.
"Oh David, thank you - for being such a good brother."
We spoke for a little while longer, and it felt so good because he eased some of the pain. When we finally hung up, I was so relieved and somehow I was indebted to him for being so kind.
That call was two nights ago, and ever since then I have been SO eager to see him again. It's been making me crazy to wait for him to get home.
So, back to the morning when I was lying on my bed. It had been a sort of restless night, and I had slept poorly. I was just so excited about my brother coming home again. Sometimes I wake up super early before the sun comes up and I'll put on my headphones and listen to music. David added a bunch of stuff to my iPod from a songwriter named Nick Drake. Oh my God, it's so beautiful - and I was listening to that as the morning sun filled my bedroom room.
David was supposed be back home later in the day. He was planning to drive back, and spend the two-weeks of Easter break here at the house. I hadn't seen him in so long, and I was super excited and anxious to spend the time with him again.
The house was empty, and I always feel more peaceful when I am alone. Mom was still at work on her all night nursing shift, and she didn't get home until later. Since dad died, she works a lot, maybe too much. But, with nobody around, I just lay there, lost in the haunting and sensitive music. It felt good.
I lay there on my bed with the headphones on, and I relived that phone call with my brother. I thought about how he ended the call by complimenting me.
I remembered him softly telling me, "I love your tiny little breasts, they are absolutely perfect." His soothing words voice kept repeating in my head, over and over again. It felt so good because knew he was talking about MY breasts, he was telling me my own breasts were beautiful!
I wanted to stay in bed, but I knew I had to start my day and I suddenly felt in desperate need of a shower.
I listened to David's music until the end of the song, and then I got up out of bed and looked in my big full-length mirror on the back of my bedroom door.
Like always, I had slept in just a pair of panties and no shirt. And that's all I was wearing as I saw my reflection in the mirror. I was, as always, immediately fixated on my tiny breasts. They are just so small, it's like they aren't there at all. I feel so sad when I see myself like that, it just seems so unfair.
The fact is that I'm tiny all over, I'm not too tall, I have short hair and narrow shoulders. My hips aren't too wide and I have a sort of small bottom. Even my plain white panties seemed small. David always describes me as petite, and that's a really kind way of saying that I'm small. I don't understand why I always feel so sad when I see myself like this.
The only thing that makes me feel better is thinking about what David told me on the phone when he said, "I love your tiny little breasts..."
His heartfelt words truly helped me.
I leaned over, just leaned a little bit forward, and turned sideways to look at myself. My breasts were just big enough to poke out from my chest, just plump little buds. They would hang down just a little in a soft cone shape.
It seemed so funny that my brother would admit to me that he liked my little breasts. I mean, why did he say that? He actually admitted that he "loved" them, but just couldn't understand what he saw in them.
And then I stood upright, and put may arms straight up above my head and I could make my breasts disappear almost completely. I looked like a little boy.
I had to wonder, was my brother some kind of pervert? It helped me so much when he complimented my tiny breasts, and I know he was being honest, I can tell. But how could he admit to loving them? Oh God, I was so baffled by David.
I put my arms back along my side, and stared at my nipples. They are just a little bit more pink than my pale skin. I guess maybe they are cute, but I don't really know what to think.
Then I pulled my panties off and looked at myself in the mirror. I had just shaved my pubic hair the night before. I don't really know why I did it, other girls in school had talked about they shaved themselves, and Elizabeth brags about it too. I just felt left out and I thought maybe I was supposed to shave myself, because of Elizabeth.
But looking at my tiny body in the full length mirror without my pubic hair, and now that I was shaved, I could see the top edge of my vagina. Oh God - I felt like I was 12 years old again.
Right then, looking at myself naked, I just felt so confused. Maybe a shower would help.
I opened the door, and stepped into the hall, I didn't have any concerns about being nude, because I felt certain I was all alone in the house.
The hallway from my bedroom has a corner just before the bathroom door, and as I stepped around - I suddenly saw David a few steps outside of the bathroom - naked and wet.
It scared me so much I almost screamed. I was frozen in fear, and my heart was suddenly pounding.
In a sort of electric reflex, I put one hand across my chest, and the other I cupped between my legs, I was desperately trying to hide.
My brother was surprised and scared too, I could see it in his eyes.
We were facing each other in the narrow hallway, David was totally naked - just like me - and it was such a shock for both of us. I don't know why - but I was frozen, and so was David.
My mind was spinning, he shouldn't be here, he wasn't supposed to be home until late tonight. I almost felt like it was a dream, seeing him so soon.
Both of us were naked and too embarrassed to speak, we just stood there staring at each other.
Have you ever heard someone explain a car accident? They say that time stands still, like everything is in slow motion - and every detail is heightened. That's how I felt. It was like I was in some sort of dream state, like the fear in me was so overpowering that I just kind of seized up.
It's hard to articulate what the shock felt like - my brother David just stood there in front of me, and he stayed absolutely motionless.
He was looking at my hand across my chest, and I wanted to scream and run back to my room, but for some reason, I could hear his voice in my head, from that wonderful phone call. I remembered him softly telling me, "I love your tiny little breasts, they are absolutely perfect."
And then I did something that I didn't understand. I slowly let my arm drop, and I cupped it over the other hand between my legs.
Oh God - I couldn't believe I was actually letting my brother look at my tiny breasts.
I watched as his eyes grew wide with astonishment.
Oh fuck, he was staring at me - and I could tell what he was looking at, he was completely focused on my little tiny breasts. He had this amazed and haunted expression. I wanted to run, but I just couldn't. I stayed there, right in front of him.