King Harald pursuades a clockmaker to marry his daughter
The Princess and the Clockmaker
Once upon a time in a castle on a mountain surrounded by thick forest near the town of Bad Wengerstadt in Upper Wuttenberg there lived a Princess with beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes and lovely long legs, slim and athletic but she never seemed to smile because she was shy and prim and scholarly and was very sad because she really wanted to be a writer and write children's books and live in a small but warm house and not be a princess at all.
Her father King Harald lived in Bad Wengerstadt in a small house with a small staff of servants and a heating system which worked and pretended he was a watchmaker called "Verner Mickanic," and spent his days happily destroying perfectly good Cuckoo clocks with his ham fisted attempts at repairs.
"Father, why must I live in the castle, with mother, why can I not live with you?" the princess asked.
"Ah well sweet Lilla," the King replied awkwardly, "Someone has to live there."
"Then let the peasants live there!" Princess Lilla exclaimed in exasperation.
"But my angel," he said, "Its freezing and damp and they would get pneumonia and die!"
"And what about mother and I?" she asked.
"You have warm clothes and warm food," the King explained, "And your mother has a warm footman to keep her warm at night."
"And what about me!" Princess Lilla cried.
"I pay at least eight footmen," the King scoffed, "Surely one of them will oblige?"
"Father!" Lilla protested, "I want to be pure for my husband on my wedding night!"
"Silly girl!" the king sighed, "Enjoy yourself, you know the only suitors you'll attract will be after your money and prestige."
"But father!" Lilla protested.
"You have to face it but you really are a humourless miserable, sour faced cow Lilla," the King added kindly, "I really can't remember you laughing, ever."
"Agghhhh!" the Princess raged stamping her foot and scrunching her face up even more than usual, "I hate you!"
The King was hurt, he loved his daughter dearly but he could not lie to her, she was not pretty, especially when she frowned, she was not amusing, and the only reason he could see for any man to want to wed her was because she was going to inherit the throne when he abdicated or got assassinated or maybe got old and died.
"All righh, I'll find you a husband." the King promised.
"Great," Lilla exclaimed, "Why can I not choose my own husband?"
"You have not exactly been overwhelmed with offers have you?" the King observed.
"That is so not fair!" Lilla complained.
"So how many noblemen or princes have made offers?" the King asked.
"Prince Henning!" she said triumphantly.
"Only because you sent him a painting of Giselle Thanken and said it was you," the king explained, "But if you wish I shall invite some suitable suitors."
"Can we have a ball?" Lilla asked.
"Ah," the King wavered, "Get some costings and run them by me."
"That's a no then," Lilla said sadly.
"Lilla you dance like a donkey with three left feet," the King observed, "Really it wouldn't help."
"Why are you so horrible!" Lilla asked.
"I just try to be honest, Lilla, I see all the pretty air headed girls smiling and laughing and the men chasing after them, chasing them into the forest, before tearing their clothes off and ravishing them," the King suggested trying to get a reaction, "While when they see you they merely run into the forest."
"Father!" Lilla cried in rage.
"All right," the King agreed, "What do you want in a husband."
"Someone to love me?" Lilla asked.
"Woah," he cried, "Lets try to keep to the acheiveable, two eyes, two arms and legs, ten fingers?" he queried, "Make that ten toes, eight fingers two thumbs, seven maybe?"
"Why do you hate me so?" Lilla cried.
"I don't my darling girl," the King said hopelessly, "But you must face facts, no one will love you for yourself, do you see?"
"But if they read my childen's books!" Lilla cried.
"I have," the King said sadly, "Sheer purgatory, and really nothing more than poor imitations of other author's work."
"That is not fair!" she said, "Why I sold a hundred copies of my first book!" she said, "The Emporers old clothes!"
"First, it was a copy of something you read," the King confessed, "Second I bought ninety six of the copies for the orphanage who used them for fire lighting and,"
"And what!" she demanded.
"You spelled Emperor wrong."
"Herr Oldendorf said it was very good!" Lilla challenged.
"He wanted a contract to print a hundred copies," the King pointed out.
"A thousand," Lilla admitted, "but father the stupidity of the Emperor who went out in his old clothes pretending they were new."
"Dear god Lilla, the original had the Emperor walking down the street completely naked," the King explained.
"Oh, my copy had some pages missing," Lilla confessed.
"Yes," said the King, "The merchants sold the Emperor some invisible clothes that they said fools could not see and he dressed in the new clothes and he didn't like to admit he couldn't see them so he went out stark naked!"
"That's ridiculous!" Lilla snapped, "That would never happen!"
"Like the dragon in Giorgio and the Dragon," the King laughed and Lilla scowled.
"Do you ever laugh?" the King asked hopelessly.
"Laugh?" Lilla scowled, "When my life is a life of complete misery?"
"And the Emperor walking naked down the street?" he asked, "Would you not laugh at that?"
"No, indeed not, I should have the merchant's hung." she snapped.
"They were make believe merchants," the King explained
"I should still hang them," Lilla exclaimed.
"For pities sake it is a fairy tale, it never happened!" the King insisted.
"Oh," Lilla said awkwardly, "I did not realise."
"And anyway the Emperor would surely have worn some underwear." the King suggested "Maybe with little pink spots like mine?"
"No!" Lilla cried, "Wearing underpants with pink spots?" and she smiled a brief flashing smile, "That is ridiculous!"
"Quite," the King agreed, "I'll auction you off then shall I."
"What?" Lilla demanded.
"In the market," the King suggested, "Cows, Sheep, Princesses."
"Agghhhh!" Lilla wailed and the King sighed as his latest attempt at a joke fell flat.
The King sadly said his farewells and went back to his little house full of dismantled cuckoo clocks and started to write, and after a while he had a brain wave and sent for Herr Oldendorf.
"If I write a letter can you print one hundred copies?" the King asked.
"Oh I don't know," Oldendorf admitted, "I got a lot on and."
"Or one of these?" the King suggested as he handed Herr Oldendorf a draft of a death warrant for, you guessed it, Herr Oldendorf.
"I'll do them right away," he agreed, "Hows the clock business?"
"Humph!" snorted the King, "Just print the letters."
King Harald had a plan, it was twenty five years since the revolting peasants had stormed the royal palace and hung his father from the battlements, formed a soviet taken charge of the nations finances and finding them in such a mess had given up and returned to peasantry
Harald was away at university studying theology but spent every spare moment dismantling cuckoo clocks and completely failed to realise he had missed the revolution until he came home for Christmas, to be seized by the peasants and given an ultimatum, "Rule or die!"
"But I want to be a watchmaker!" he protested.
"Not an option," the head peasant complained, "We ran out of money months ago and have only enough turnips for soup for three weeks !"
"You killed my father!" he protested.
"Technically it was the fifty metre drop from the battlements," the chief peasant , who was actually a merchant banker heavily disguised, admitted.
"Ok, here's the deal," Harald suggested, "I'll be King, you lot form a government."
"You be King and give us five days to get as far away as possible?" the chief peasant countered.
"Ten?" the King offered, and they shook hands and Harald became king, married a wealthy beautiful and frequently unfaithful Princess and was officially crowned king at a ceremony in Bad Wengerstadt Town Hall because the Palace heating was not working, but that was twenty five years ago and so Harald saw clearly that his silver jubilee was the best chance to solve the Lilla problem.
The Day of the Jubilee dawned bright and sunny and bitterly cold and the bailiffs and the hastily recruited pikesmen quickly forced the peasants to line the roads and cheer at pike point as the king rode past in his carriage to the town square where three lucky prisoners were to be hung to celebrate his twenty five year rule.
All the nobility were clustered around the square moaning that they were cold and they wished the king would go back to playing with Cuckoo clocks and Princess Lilla and her mother waited among them suddenly a great jeer went up as the King's coach appeared from his modest dwelling in Edensdorf Strasse and clattered up the main street pulled by Trojan, the cess pool emptier's cart horse which was not used to working in daylight and staggered around as if drunk.
"He's not wearing any clothes!" the cry went up.
"He's in his underpants!" someone contradicted and so King Harald majestically rode to his re investiture in a golden carriage dressed only in grubby white underpants with red spots a string vest, and brown leather knee length boots.
He climbed from the carriage to the stage where Lilla and her mother waited.
Lilla stared horrified, "Father!" she cried.
"I thought it might raise a laugh," he explained, "Sod it!"
"No father the peasants merely think you the stupidest of stupid men!" Lilla cried.
The King almost went home in disgust, "My Friends," he said, "I have this day received these magnificent robes from a well wisher, to the wise they are beautiful, to the foolish invisible, and," he added, "Knowing how stupid you lot are I kept my pants on!"
There was a titter of polite laughter.
"But in addition I have robes for my wife and daughter so if you would be so kind Lilla?"
he suggested, "Or are you also too stupid to see the robes?"
"Father!" she protested, "You mock me!"
"Yes I mock you, you stupid morose humourless girl!" the King hissed in a stage whisper.
"I say steady on sire," Jan Misenger the Kings page muttered.
"No look at her all po faced," the King protested, "I did all this just to get a laugh and failed!"
"Go home father you are a laughing stock!" Lilla protested.
"Exactly as are you, so join me," he said, "Disrobe and let them laugh at you!"
The invited princes looked bored, "Guards disrobe her!" the King ordered and suddenly there was a tearing of clothe and her robe was ripped away, "Leave her knickers on!" he ordered but it was too late and the crown gasped at the sight of Lilla's golden down covered pussy as she tried to cover it with her hands,.
"By God Ratsberg, she's hot!" said prince Boris of Saxony, as he looked at her one and a half hands (C Cup) breasts.
"I saw her first,"said Karl of Estonia, as he stared at her shapely thighs.
"Gangway!" said Theodolph of Gwam as he tried to cop a feel.
"When is lunch," said Harold Earl of Slaithwaite, realising that he was never going to measure up against such a beautiful body.
"Father," Lilla asked, "Why are they all smiling at me?"
"They obviously find you amusing!" the King admitted.
"Oh father," Lilla admitted and she smiled, a faint smile but a smile none the less.
"You're hot Lilla," The King said quietly, "You're all grown up and I never noticed, by god there can't be a prince for a thousand miles that wouldn't want to prong you!"
"Father!" Lilla gasped.
"Oh yes," he said, "I shall set a task and the winner shall win the hand of my beautiful daughter!"
"No sire," said his faithful retainer, "You cannot expect them to build a flying machine!"
"No, no, to repair the clocks in my house!" the king cried.
"Easy!" Prince Karl announced, "I'll get my hammer!"
"I'll find a witch!" said prince Boris of Saxony.
"Fetch the Life Guards!" said Theodolph of Gwam.
"Life Guards?" said Harold Earl of Slaithwaite, "We are miles from the nearest sea! no fetch that chap Edmund Edmundson the clockmaker!"
"Yes fetch the clock maker!" the King cried and before poor Edmund could even run half a league the pikesmen had caught poor him and dragged him to the king.
"Sire," he said, "I am a poor clockmender!" he said, "Please do not hang me."
"Liar people say you are a very good clock mender," said the king, "You steal all my customers away."
"Sorry," Edmund apologised, "But you are rubbish sire."
"What!" the King demanded.
"You're clumsy and impatient and make the clocks worse than when they were before!" he pointed out, "No offence!"
"Father, will you stand for this impertinence!" Lilla cried.
"No, actually, I think I'll sit down," the King said, "Go on."
"That's it," Edmund admitted.
"And am I an equally poor king?" the King asked.
"Not really," Edmund admitted, "You keep your self to yourself, get your face on the coins don't get involved in football matches or wars, keep the taxes down, no you do a pretty good job really."
"Father!" Lilla cried in amazement that anyone should speak to a king in such a manner.
"So who should marry Lilla?" the King asked.
"Which ever is richest." Edmund suggested.
"What about what she wants?" the King asked.
"I'm not into women's rights," Edmund admitted.
"Well I think it should be the one that desires her most!" the King said, "Suitors advance!"
The Princes approached uncertainly, "So Edmund how shall I test the suitors?"
"A race sire?" he suggested.
"Yes a race, the first to mend all the cuckoo clocks in my house!" the king agreed.
"I thought ten furlongs," Edmund suggested.
"Yes the first to make a flying machine to fly ten furlongs!" the king agreed.
"I meant run," Edmund admitted.
"No, I know the first to make Princess Lilla smile!" the king suggested.
"Get real sire," Edmund suggested,
"Yeah get real!" the princes cried.
"The only way she'll smile is," Edmund suggested.
"When?" the king asked.
"When she is married sire." Edmund suggested.
"Then it is impossible," the king agreed.
"About as likely as you mending a clock properly," Edmund exclaimed.
"You can not say that!" Lilla gasped in surprised.
"I saw her teeth!" Edmund cried, "See she can smile!"
"Well done," the king agreed, "You can marry her, I'll get the church sorted out."
"Father!" Lilla gasped, "I cannot marry a poor clockmaker."
"I am not, he is a very good clockmaker so I am told," the king agreed, "And quite hansom for a commoner?"
Lilla blushed and smiled, a radiant smile.
"Tell you what," the king said, "Seeing as it's you, a fellow watchmaker and all that, why don't we do a deal?"
"Deal?" Edmund queried.
"If I disinherit Lilla, right, that will save the cost of a royal wedding," the king quipped.
"What?" Lilla and Edmund cried together.
"Now hear this," the King bellowed, "From henceforth the Princess Lilla shall be known as Lilla the apprentice Clockmaker and not be royal anymore," he said "I disinherit her forthwith!"
"But sire," Jan Misenger the kings page muttered, "You cannot do that without the consent of parliament!"
"Just button it!" the king hissed and continued, "And you Edmund can marry Lilla," the king suggested.
"Father!" Lilla exclaimed, "That's not fair!"
"Sounds fair to me," Edmund agreed.
"Oh!" the Princes muttered, "Disinherited, eh, bloody skinflint!"
"So, do we have a deal?" the King asked.
"If Lilla will have me?" Edmund cried.
"No!" she cried,"Never!"
"Guards!" the King cried, "Take her to the tower and hold her down while Edmund the clock maker ravishes her!"
"Noooo," Lilla cried.
"No!" Edmund cried, "I can not!"
"Why? are you married already?" the king asked, "Or do you prefer men!"
"No, it is unfair on Princess Lilla!" he explained.
"Ravish her or hang!" the king insisted.
"Can I have a minute to think about it," Edmund asked.
"You would rather die than ravish me!" Lilla protested.
"I would rather die than hurt you," he suggested.
"Oh Edmund!" Lilla gasped.
"Just take her to the tower and ravish her," the king repeated, "Forget the guards, just do it!"
"No!" Edmund said, "You heard her, she doesn't want me to, so Princess just get dressed and if I have to hang then so be it."
"Father!" Lilla gasped, "You cannot hang Edmund for refusing to ravish me!"
"Who says?" the king enquired.
"Technically, he can." Jan Misenger the kings page explained.
"Father, may I get dressed," Lilla enquired.
"No, give the peasants a twirl," he insisted.
"No!" she protested, and blushed and smiled involuntarily.
"Do you want my beautiful daughter to give you a twirl?" the King asked
"Twir-ull, twir-ull," the crowd started chanting.
"You sire, bring the office of monarch into disrepute!" Harold Earl of Slaithwaite intended to say but with a poor grasp of language actually said, "You sire brought the office of corporal into the cowpat," which at least got an unwanted laugh from the assembled throng, "Cover yourself my dear," he added, "The peasantry have seen enough."
"Oh," Lilla replied but strange feelings were coursing through her mind as she realised the peasants liked seeing her naked form, "Don't worry Harold," Lilla answered, "If father says that I must twirl then I must twirl," and she stood and began to slowly turn with her arms outspread and as she did so she smiled the most radiant smile.
"Aggghhhhh!" the crowd screeched and surged forward
"Agggghhhh!" the front rank of peasants screamed as they were crushed against the stage by the two ranks behind.
"Lilla," the king exclaimed, "You're smiling!"
"The peasants love me father!" she explained.
"For heaven's sake they want to ravish you!" he snapped, "Cover yourself this instant!"
"Do they father?" she asked stupidly, "Why!"
"Because you are gorgeous!" Harold tried to say but merely managed, "You look something like a gorgon!"
"Princess," Edmund exclaimed, "You are beautiful do you not realise?"
"Oh," she simpered.
"My Subjects!" the King cried, "Whom should Lilla marry?"
"Me, me, me!" the peasants cried.
"Harold, Karl, Boris, Theo or Edmund the clockmaker?" the King enquired.
"Edmund!" they cried.
"Looks like it's you," the King explained.
"If she'll have me?" Edmund enquired, "But she is used to living in a Castle while I have only a small cottage.
"With a warm fire?" Lilla enquired.
"Why yes," he agreed.
"And do you desire me?" she asked.
"Yes!" he agreed
"Then show me!" she suggested expecting a passionate kiss but instead he whipped out his 10 cm of solid pink penis.
"See!" he announced.
"You had better check out the others dear," the Queen who had been uncharacteristically quiet suggested.
"Yes gentlemen," the King agreed, "Show Lilla who desired her them most!"
"I say, I shall do no such thing!" Harold exclaimed but when Boris showed his 12 cm and Theo barely 10 and Karl a bare 15 Harold could not let the honour of England be doubted and produced 20cm of solid English gristle.
"Oh!" Lilla cried and she was sad again, "But I want to live with Edmund!" she cried.
"But look at Harold's tool," the Queen cautioned.
"But I want both!" Lilla cried.
"I give up!" the king exclaimed, "Hangman, hang me!"
"No!" Lilla exclaimed, "Father please!" she declared, "Why can I not have many lovers like mama!"
"Because I want you to settle down with a nice boy and be happy." he said.
"I have a Castle," said Boris,
"I have two," said Karl.
"I have one also," said Theo.
"I have a degree in mechanical engineering and a modest terraced house in Sheffield," Harold admitted.
"So you will live here in Wengerstadt?" the king asked, "And help me with the clocks?" he suggested, "And rule with Lilla when I'm gone?"
"Oh," said Harold briefly regretting whipping out his tool, "Oh, well perhaps not!" he replied.
"Oh" said Lilla with her radiant smile fading, "I'll have to marry Edmund then!"
"Good, lets get this Jubilee nonsense over and you can all get back to work," the King said and the peasants quietly slipped away towards the bier tent as peasants are wont to do.
"Don't be too hasty," the queen suggested, "We could have a contest and I could decide who was the best lover?"
"Any of you princes up for it?" the king asked.
They all looked at their feet, "Edmund?" the king asked the clockmaker.
"If I must sire," Edmund replied.
"Good," the King agreed, "A years trial then."
"Harald!" the Queen protested, "He's only got a decimetre!"
"Yes dear, it's not the size but," the king reminded her.
"It damned well is!" the Queen replied.
"But father who am I to wed!" Lilla cried, "For I am sure Harold will tear me asunder with his tool and yet Edmund is so poorly endowed that."
"Enough!" the King protested, "The peasants are drinking the bier tent dry, let us join them."
"Sound idea sire!" the princes agreed and they bounded from the stage and hurtled into the bier tent.
"I've got this beautiful gold cased Swiss cuckoo clock," the King said to Edmund as they sat on the almost deserted stage, "Mend it and you can marry Lilla."
"I've got a lot on," Edmund explained, "Sorry."
"I'm cold, can I get dressed again?" Lilla asked.
"No," the King snapped.
"I think I might have some time Thursday," Edmund admitted.
"Oh well don't put yourself out," the King replied.
"Sire," the hangman's plaintive voice enquired, "When shall the prisoners be hung?"
"Ah," said the King, "Perhaps we should save them for another celebration, what did you do to be sentenced to death?"
"I'm the hangman sir," muttered the hangman, "You should have gone to specsavers."
"No you the fool with the yellow smock?" the King enquired.
"Rape sire." the peasant replied in a pleasant high tenor voice.
"So you like girls?" the King asked.
"Oh no, I like boys!" he replied.
The Kings thumb jerked down and with a mighty creaking noise the mechanism opened the trapdoor maybe half a decimetre and the prisoner fainted and hung himself.
"You? the King asked the next peasant.
"I wanted to be on stage and have all the people clap," he said.
"He is the one who came second in the Village Idiot competition," the hangman added.
"Would you marry Lilla?" the King asked.
"Yes!" the fool cried and he stepped off the stage towards Lilla and the rope went tight and he hanged himself.
"That just leaves you, hang or marry?" the King asked the final peasant.
"Father!" Lilla protested.
"Hang," the peasant agreed.
"You sound like a sensible chap," the King commented, "What did you do?"
"Slew a dragon contrary to Estonia and Utopia (EU) regulations," the peasant replied.
"Why?" the King asked.
"So I might marry a princess!" he explained.
"So marry the princess!" the King insisted.
"A beautiful princess." the peasant added.
"Not Lilla then? the King enquired
"No sire," the peasant retorted.
"Oh well hang him," the King added, "Release the trapdoor hangman!"
There was a muffled thud.
"Oh!" Lilla cried, "He died rather than marry me?"
"Looks like it!" the King explained.
"Shirtlifter," the hangman announced.
"Ah!" the King agreed, "Come on Edmund show her what you're made of!" he urged.
"What here?" Edmund exclaimed.
"Yes," the King agreed, "We can charge the peasants a groat each, maybe two for the best seats!"
"You can't charge your subjects to see your daughter ravished on stage!" Jan Misenger exclaimed, "You don't have a license!"
It was too late for Edmund had a new respect for the king and had plans for the rest of the week that didn't involve being dead and he had his hands on Lilla's hips and her raised her up just enough to slip the tip of his modest tool between her soft yielding pussy lips and began to hump her.
"Oh, is that all of it?" Lilla cried.
"Button it bitch!" Edmund insisted and slapped her bare bottom..
"Oh you're so masterful!" Lilla declared as his pink shaft pistoned in and out of her soft pussy.
"Get your Toffee Apples," Jan Misenger shouted.
"It's hardly regal is it?" the Queen declared.
"This is the warm up," the King declared, "You're on next with Trojan!"
And that is the true story of how the poor clockmaker claimed his Princess.
He managed to escape three months later by building a glider in the castle loft, and Lilla had many children by many footmen and lived happily ever after.