Johnny is unjustly accused and screws the prosecution
An excerpt from the legend of Johnno Allthwaite.
"Order in court!" the Clerk to the Court ordered, "This is a serious matter."
"Bloody farce mate," I said, "If you ask me."
"No one asked you Mr Allthwaite," the Clerk continued.
"That's Councillor Allthwaite to you mate," I says, "I been elected proper, not like you lot what just happened to go to the right school and that."
The Clerk started looking a bit nervous as one of the skinheads in the front row started handing out tinnies of Stella to help the mood along.
"I say," said the Judge, "We really cannot have people drinking Alcohol in court."
"Why you want one?" I asked, "Or will you stick to the Gin in your water glass."
"Gin thank you!" he replied with the faintest of a smile, "If you could settle down Ladies and Gentlemen."
"Get on with it!" Big Norman the six foot seven, twenty stone bouncer from the 'Flying Horse,' shouted.
I looked down from the witness box and grinned.
"Why are we waiting!" old Esmond the welsh git from Mafeking Street started singing to the tune of "Oh come all ye Faithful," and the skinheads joined in "Why are we fuck-ing wait-ing,"
"Clear the Court!" the Clerk shouted, "Security!"
"They fucked off ages ago," I told him but Harry and Dave what usually checked the punters for knives and that was in their civvies at the back with the rest of the lads.
"Call the Police!" the Clerk pleaded.
"They couldn't spare no one," I said and I winked at PC Tony Mulholland who was sat in the forth row sharing a joke with a blonde skinhead bloke with Manchester Untied tattooed on his arm.
"Settle down Mr Clerk," the Judge pleaded, "It is manifestly clear that if you try to have the Court cleared you will be first to leave and in all probability through the window, which I remind you is a third floor window."
"Yes your honour," he agreed.
"Now Mr Weasley, do you have any sensible questions for the defendant?" the Judge asked the prosecutor who was sweating furiously now.
The Jury was looking a bit sheepish by this time, the old biddy in the grey suit clearly fancied me while the school teachery one with the DD tits all constricted in a sports bra was struggling with her conscience, probably a Lesbo.
"And whose idea was it to shove a red hot curved iron spike up the victim's anus and out of his penis," he asked.
"Can't remember squire," I said, "We was down the Flying Horse trying to figure what to do about all these pedos when someone had a brain wave."
"Can't remember, how convenient!" he sneered.
"You try fucking remembering after twelve pints of Stella (Artois)" I replied, "Anyway it weren't as if we patented it!"
"And are we to believe you took no pleasure from this?" he asked.
"Yeah, course I fucking did," I told him, "The warm glow of satisfaction from a job well done!" That got a laugh.
"Mr Weasley?" the Judge interjected, "Am I to understand that you claim an Iron bar was inserted in the victim's anus and out of his penis, only the photographs clearly show a rope."
"Ah, both your honour." the prosecutor suggested.
"Very odd," the Judge admitted, "Please continue."
The prosecutor cleared his throat, "And you cannot remember who had this, and I quote, 'wonderful,' idea."
"Nope," I admitted, "It was supposed to be a red hot Iron bar but it takes a fucking long time to heat up with a gas blow lamp."
"And you don't deny you forced a sharpened curved red hot iron bar up the victim's anus?" he asked.
"No, well it wasn't red hot, not properly," I admitted.
"Then the case is proved!" Mr Weasley insisted.
"Mr Weasley, the charge is that Mr Allthwaite," the Judge paused, "I am sorry, Councillor Allthwaite, inserted a rope in the victims anus without his consent," he paused again, "Did you believe Mr Allthwaite that you had the victims consent?"
"Well," I said, "When I said do you want the Allthwaite pedocure or your head kicked in he chose the pedocure."
"Then Mr Weasley, would you please direct your questions to the matter of consent," the Judge requested.
"Consent to having a red hot iron up his anus, my Lord.?" the prosecutor asked.
"Indeed Mr Weasley," the Judge agreed, "Some gentlemen do freely consent to being anally penetrated you know."
"But not with an iron bar my Lord!" Weasley suggested.
"Get on with it!" Big Norman insisted.
"Indeed Mr Weasley, get on with it." the Judge insisted.
"Ah," the prosecutor replied, "The Allthwaite Pedo-cure."
"A rope in their ass and out their cock," I said, "That's the bit I want patented to stop some cunt nicking my idea."
"I was going to ask that," the prosecutor suggested, "If you would let me finish!"
"Look," I said, "You shoves a curved Iron rod up and round see and when it looks like it's gone down their cock skin,"
There was this crumping sound and the prosecutor's assistant keeled over.
"Order in court!" the Clerk insisted.
"Get up!" Weasley hissed.
"Mr Chambers," Weasley's other assistant a Miss Daventry said urgently, "Mr Chambers!"
"Order!" the Clerk said again but Big Norman was on his way across.
"Wakey wakey!" he said as he smashed his size thirteen steel toe cap boot into Chambers' nose.
"Whup?" Chambers protested, as he woke with a start and wiped the blood from his freshly broken nose "Who buzzed my node!"
"So stay a fucking wake," Norman says, and he turns to the judge, "You can carry on now squire."
"Yes, thank you," the Judge says all polite like, as Norman goes back to his seat, "Mr Weasley?"
"Ah,"Weasley asked, "Is their a first aider, for my assistant?"
"Fucking get on with it," Norman insists.
"Yes Mr Weasley, if your assistant needs medical attention I suggest he goes to Casualty," the Judge suggested.
"Yes, of course, now Mr Allthwaite." Weasley says.
"Fucking Councillor how many fucking more times," I replied.
"The matter of consent," Weasley continued, "Do you really expect the court to believe any rational human being would consent to having a piece of red hot iron inserted into their Anus?"
"No but he's a fucking pedo," I pointed out, "What's fucking rational about that."
"You fucking tell them Johnno!" someone shouted from the packed public seats.
"That the victim is an alleged Pedophile is irrelevant," Weasley whined.
"No it fucking ent!" I said, "I was fucking elected on a promise to hang fucking pedos from lamp posts by their fucking bollocks," I said, "Fucking elected democratically and that's what I'm fucking doing!"
The whole chamber erupted in cheering, you could see the Clerks gob opening and shutting but no sound was coming out that I could hear.
"But it must be agony!" Weasley suggested.
"Same as homos but they still does it," I explained reasonably.
"The generic question is irrelevant Mr Weasley," the Judge interjected, "Keep to the specifics of you don't mind."
"Yes your honour," Weasley says.
"You can call the victim later," the Judge reminded him.
"Look," I says, "If you got a good sharp point on and the point is good and hot and you knows what your doing it's no big deal," and Chambers faints again.
"Leave him!" the Judge insists, "Mr Weasley your witness."
"Like I was saying," I said, "You can see when the point's in the cock meat so then if you know what your doing you can just push through down the side of the foreskin."
There was the sound of Chambers throwing up.
"Yes but," Weasley interjected.
"Then you thread the fishing line through the hole in the spike," I says, "And pull it back out which pulls the string attached to the fishing line through." I explained, " and then you tie the fishing line to the string and that pulls the thicker string through and that pulls the rope."
"Are you all right Mr Weasley?" the Judge asked, "You look ill?"
"I'm sorry my Lord, a minute please." Weasley said.
"Mr Memphis for the defence, have you anything to add in cross examination?" the Judge asked.
"Yeah, why not," Alfie Sidebottom from Ladysmith Road who called himself 'Johnny Memphis',who goy chucked out of law school after six months and did really bad Elvis impersonations, was my solicitor.
"Why not just tie the ropes together and pull the whole lot back Johnno?" he asked
"We do sometimes but that turns the cock inside out and leaves a cunt," I explained.
"So you didn't bollock him at all?" he asked pointedly.
"No, he still got two." I agreed.
"And he chose to have it done?" he asked.
"Yes," I agreed. "I already told you when Al said will you have your head kicked in or do you want a pedocure he chose pedocure."
"I reckon that's about all," he said.
"Are you sure Mr Memphis is a qualified solicitor?" the Judge asked.
"He's a rent boy what got done for soliciting at Southport!" Sandra shouts from the back row which get's a laugh.
"He's cheap," I explained.
"At this point I would normally break for lunch but under the circumstances I think we will plough on," the Judge announced.
"Call Mr Mustafa Allamann , oh sorry, call the victim." The clerk announced and he winked at me.
"Return to the Dock Mr Allthwaite," the Judge suggested pointlessly as there was no way I could fight me way through the crowd of people crammed in, "Or just find somewhere to sit."
The pedo was let in and he fought his way through the skinheads to get to the witness box.
"You are the Victim?" the Clerk asked.
"Yes sir, I am Mustafa Ibrahim Allamann of 31 Viaduct Crescent," he says.
"Please answer to the name of Victim," the clerk says a bit pointlessly.
"Yes sir," Mustafa says.
"Tell us about the night Mr Allthwaite and his gang attacked you." Weasley insisted.
"No, they offered their love and assistance sir," Mustafa insisted.
"What!" Weasley cried, "They stuck a red hot spike up your ass!"
"But from that has come salvation sir," Mustafa replied, "When I was in hospital for three months when they made me well I had time to think, I am a good man now, I do not have urges, I do not hurt people, Mr Allthwaite has shown me the way to heaven and I thank him for it very much!"
"And you say this of your own free will?" the Judge asked.
"Indeed sir," the Victim said.
"You're not afraid of repercussions?" the Judge asked.
"Reaper Cushions, sir what are they sir?" he asked.
"Smack in the face," Big Norman said helpfully.
"No I am cured," he says.
"But," Weasley protested, "They left you swinging from a lamp post, screaming in agony, hanging from a rope up your anus which came out of your Penis and round in a loop!"
"I was singing with happiness that I was cured sir!" he says.
"Cured of what exactly?" Mr Weasley asked.
"I am too ashamed to say sir," the 'Victim, confessed.
"Do you actually have a case Mr Weasley?" the Judge asked.
"Ah," Weasley dithered.
"I have Mr Jones sir and PC Micklethwaite." Weasley agreed.
"So call one of them," the Judge suggested in exasperation.
The 'Victim fought his way through the skinheads and Mr Jones came forward.
"I swear by almighty god that the evidence I shall give shall be," Jones started saying and big Norman glowered.
"Get on with it!" Norman hissed.
"Mr Jones, can you tell us what happened on the night in question," Weasley asked.
"Well see we was having a bit of a practice see," he said in his annoying Welsh sing song voice, "And there was this horrible noise see, horrible it was and we went outside to see this chap hanging from a lamp post by his bollocks."
"By his bollocks?" Weasley asked, "Don't you mean by a rope going up his anus and out through his penis?"
Jones looked confused, "Up his ass and out his cock," someone suggested.
"Oh no sir, that was another time," Jones admitted, "This one was swinging from his bollocks definitely."
"We mean the other time!" Weasley suggested.
"He's leading the witness Judge!" I said, "Anyway bollocks rip off if you hang cunts by them!"
"In all probability Mr Allthwaite," the Judge suggested, "But it is the night of the rope we are concerned with here Mr Jones."
"Ah," says Jones, "Horrible noise it was." he said.
"So what did you do?" Weasley asked.
"Told him to shut up of course," Jones replied.
"And then?" Weasley continued.
"Rang environmental health to complain about the noise," he said "But they said ring the police so I rang the non emergency number."
"And?" Weasley enquired.
"They sent a Panda car and they spoke to the pedo." Jones said, "Fined him sixty quid spot fine for disturbing the peace they did." he added, "But he still kept on making a row."
"Was he screaming in agony?" Weasley asked.
"Well it wasn't in tune what ever it was," Jones agreed, "Horrible row it was! I said hit him on the head with the truncheon and shut him up but they wouldn't."
"So you cut him down?" Weasley asked.
"Had to," Jones agreed, "Couldn't stand the row see."
"And?" Weasley asked.
"He fainted and when he shut up we went back in again." Jones agreed.
"You left him unconscious in a pool of blood!" Weasley asked outraged.
"We had a concert Saturday see," Jones protested,"And we told the Council, what else was we supposed to do?"
"Your witness Mr Memphis," the Clerk ordered sternly.
"What do you think of hanging pedophiles from lamp posts by their bollocks Mr Jones?" Johnny Memphis asked.
"Well it's dangerous isn't it," Jones said, "Their bollocks might tear off and they might fall on someone's head or a dog or something, no the rope has to be a better idea, yes indeed."
"No further questions," Johnny said with a smirk.
"Call PC Micklethwaite!" the Clerk suggested and one of the skinheads sneaked out and came back in a bit later in a police uniform that had seen better days.
"Are you PC Clive Micklethwaite?" Weasley asked, "Of."
"Shut it," Micklethwaite insisted, "My Gaff's my gaff and that's all you need to know, yeah I found the pedo swinging and singing, I said fucking shut up but he didn't so I booked him sixty quid for disturbing the peace."
"And you think that a reasonable course of action Constable?" the Judge asked.
"Could have added indecent exposure but that's Magistrates not fixed penalty." he added.
"Why did you not cut him down?" Weasley asked.
"Health and safety, I ain't trained for cutting Pedos down and I might have sliced his cock off by mistake," Micklethwaite explained reasonably, "And criminal damage, I might have been done for damaging Mr Allthwaite's rope."
"What do you think of pedophiles Constable?" Weasley asked.
"Objection," Johnny Memphis jumps to his feet.
"Sit down you prat!" I says, "Tell him Clive," I says.
"Fucking hates them if you'll pardon my French, better off without them if you ask me," he insisted, "Either that or cure them like Allthwaite does.!"
"Your witness Mr Memphis," Weasley whined, but Johnny shook his head.
"Right, see ya round Johnno," PC Micklethwaite says and he strides out the court to a round of applause.
"If it pleases your honour may we have a recess to discuss the matter?" Weasley's assistant Miss Daventry asked urgently, "Can't we do a plea bargain?"
"That Miss Daventry is an Americanism," Weasley said nastily.
"No, Mr Weasley," the Judge agreed, "You may use my room, Mr Allthwaite, Mr Memphis, if you would care to step through?"
We struggled through into the Judge's office.
"Can I speak to Mr Allthwaite privately?" Miss Daventry asked huskily.
"Why?" I asked
"Because!" she said coyly.
"Fair enough," I said, but the only place we could go was the Judges bathroom, well bog actually.
We went in and she pulled the door bolt across, "Mr Allthwaite, John," she said.
"Johnno to you love," I said, "Pop your tits out and I might listen."
She did better than that she reached under her severe grey skirt and pulled her sensible M and S panties down revealing a freshly plucked vagina.
"Are you listening," she said as she pushed me so I sat on the bog seat while she pulled my flies open.
"Why not plead guilty?" she said.
"I ain't going to fucking chokey for that twat!" I said.
"No,plead insanity," she said as she came close to me and guided my cock as she sank down so it slipped easily up her dripping twat!"
"What?" I said, "I'm not fucking insane!"
"You must be," she said, "Having unprotected sex with a girl you never met before in a public lavatory!"
Actually she had a point.
"Not public though is it," I pointed out, "Anyway you're fucking gorgeous and it was your idea."
"I might have aids!" she pointed out, which put me right off me stroke.
"Fuck!" I said, "You haven't have you? like I only screw posh bints bareback like," I added, "I rubber up for scrubbers."
"You do say the most wonderful things," she said.
"You gonna be all day Johnno," shouts Johnny Memphis, "Only I could use a dump."
"Piss off!" I said, "She's trying to get me to plead insanity!" and with that she starts bouncing energetically on me cock making her DD tits bounce up and down mesmerisingly.
"Bollocks," I said and sure enough me bollocks were tingling and whoosh, I shot me load.
"You filthy pig!" she squealed as she climbed off of me, "There's pints of it!"
"Mind me trousers!" I said, "What the fuck was that about?"
There was this awful sound, "Why are we waiting," they was singing, not only old Esmond but half the lads from the Weatherfield Bethesda choir, three part harmony as well, then the skinheads joined in, "Why the fuck are we waiting,"
"Have you finished Miss Daventry?" the Judge asked, "That was an orgasm unless I'm very much mistaken."
She pulled the door open, "He raped me!" she said.
"So why exactly were you shouting, 'Harder harder oh yes!' two minutes ago?" the Judge enquired.
She blushed bright red, "I'm afraid we heard every word Miss Daventry," the Judge said, "You're Charlie Daventry's girl aren't you.
"Yes sir," she admitted.
"Thought so," the Judge said sadly, "He used to say you were a Nymphomaniac."
"Fancy the pictures some time?" Johnny asked hopefully and when she sneered at him, wordlessly he added, "Sunday?"
"Shall we go back in?" the Judge asked.
"Do we have to," pleaded Weasley, "Can't we get out through the window?"
"Yes Mr Weasley we have to continue,," the Judge insisted, "We are on the third floor remember," he added, "You do wish to proceed I take it?"
They was just starting singing, "If I had a hammer," when we got back in it was a good job we did before they started doing the actions.
"Silence in Court!" the Clerk shouted but he might as well not have bothered for all the good it did.
"Mr Weasley, are you ready to proceed." the Judge asked.
"Indeed sir," he agreed, "Mr Allthwaite," he says, "Would you say you are of sound mind?"
"No," I says.
"Oh!" he says and looks round helplessly, "Are you claiming you are not guilty by way of insanity?"
"Look," I says, "Only them what's round the twist thinks their sane, sane people knows their a bit mad, and that's me."
"Convoluted logic Mr Allthwaite?" Weasley tries.
"No fucking common sense," I said, "Its like pedos see, you lock them up they meets the other pedos and gets chatting, next thing they're let out and twenty times worse, now my way they're cured, and every time they has to sit down and piss out their ass hole they gets a reminder."
That got a laugh.
"Do you have a case Mr Weasley?" the Judge asked.
"We have heard you assaulted the victim with a red hot spike!" Weasley suggested.
"He said he liked it!" I pointed out.
"And you raped my assistant!" he said.
There was a gasp, "What that fucking cunt Chambers," Big Norman asked, "You turned queer Johnno?"
"No I shagged the posh bint, she was gagging for it," I explained.
"Right nice one!" Big Norman agreed.
"Nice fucking pair if you as me!" his sidekick 'Harley Charlie' agreed.
"Then there is the charge of Racism!" Weasley suggested, "Is not the Victim a," Weasley paused, realisation came in a flash about twenty seconds too late, half the skinheads had a tide mark where their Turbans stopped their faces getting sunburned, "a?" Weasley asked.
"Methodist," I suggested, "Not as far as I know, I reckon as he seen the light since me pedocure, though."
"Mr Weasley, do you have a case?" the Judge asked.
"No." he admitted and slumped down into his chair, then he sprang up again, "Except the other matter!" he said excitedly.
"What, parking on a double yellow," I asked, "It weren't me van OK?"
"Actual bodily harm!" he said.
"It was consensual Mr Weasley," The Judge explained, "Did you not hear the witness testify?" and he turned to the Jury, "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I thank you for your time but sadly there is no case for you to determine this morning, so I must thank you and you are free to go."
"Oi, you promised us free nosh and a couple of nights in a posh hotel!" one of the Jurors complained.
"Not I sir, the CPS," the Judge explained, "Take it up with them and Mr Allthwaite you are free to go!"
"Ta very much," I said, "That hook and rope and that you had as evidence, can I have it back only we're going pedo hunting again the weekend."
"No Mr Allthwaite," the Judge replied, "The curator of the Weatherfield Police museum has requested it for a exhibit in their forthcoming 'War on Pedophiles' exhibition."
"Fair enough," I said.
"He proposes to pay fifty pounds," The Judge suggested, "I think you can buy two for that!"
It seemed a good deal so we went out to the cheers of the crown and Weatherfield Brass Band playing and we all went down Andaman street mosque for some beers and to decide what to do about them Pedos from Rochdale.
That's the thing see, no matter what differences you has, religion, race, whether you supports McLaren or Red Bull, Man U or Man City, it don't matter when you all hates Pedos, you stop squabbling and sort out the Pedos and when that's done you can start squabbling again.
And me, bloody Fem Dom, can't do me own thing now I moved in with Miss Daventry, she reckons I should stand for Parliament, watch this space.