A joke an old friend of mine used to tell a lot. Pretty long, but the payoff is good. Lol
Ok, so let me start by saying that heaven has gotten far too crowded lately, and as such God was forced to change the rules of admission. Now, not only does one have to live a good life, repent for their sins, and accept Jesus, but they also must have a real shitty day the day they die.
First guy comes waking up to the pearly gates and St. Peter stops him.
"Hey Jim. I know you're probably excited about making it to heaven, but there is a catch. You lived a decent life, begged gods forgiveness for the sins you did commit, and accepted Jesus as your lord and savior, but the truth of the matter is there is a new stipulation for admission to paradise. I need to now how your day went today to see if you qualify." he said as he invited Jim to sit with him at a massive golden table.
"Alright man, but you ain't gonna believe this. So I came home early from work, wanting to surprise the wife you know. I walk in the door to my 25th story new york city apartment with some wine and a bouquet of roses. But when I get to the room, I found my wife lying there naked. Now I hadnt told her I was coming home early, so she must have been naked for someone else. I was furious, I tore the house apart looking for her lover. Flipped the couch over. Looked in the closets and under the bed. In the tub, even in the cabinets. But nothing. I thought maybe I was wrong, maybe she had called the office and found out I left early. Then I saw, out the corner of my eye, some guy climbing up my balcony, half naked. Oh man was I pissedl I ran out and stomped his fingers like crazy, I'll give him credit cuz he held out as long as he could, but I broke all of his fingers and then he fell. I watched him fall, surely he would die right it's 25 stories. NOPE, he bounced off a couple branches in a tree and survived. He wasn't moving but I could hear him screaming for help. This made me even angrier so I ran in and grabbed the first thing I could to throw at him, happened to be the fridge. I wheeled it out and tossed it over and watched it fall, fall, and fall until it smashed right into him. Then I had a heart attack from all the excitement."
"Wow. That's a bad day if I say so, you're in." St. Peter said before sending Jim through the gates.
A couple minutes passed before a second guy came walking up. "Hello Michael." St. Peter said before explaining the new rules. "So before I let you in, I'm gonna need to hear about your day."
"Alright." Michael responded. "But you ain't gonna believe this. So I'm in prime physical shape right, work out every day, eat right, tan, the whole nine yards. Well anyway, I'm doing my daily workout on the balcony of my 26th story New York City apartment and I don't know man, I guess I was just stressed. My boss has been on my ass, and my girl is wanting a commitment, then my mom calls like "when am I gonna have a grand baby?" and it was just too much. I pushed myself too hard and flipped right over the railing. Wow! Man I was scared, but somehow I caught myself on the balcony downstairs. Just as I'm pulling myself up, some crazy man comes out screaming and cursing and stomping on my fingers. I held on as long as I could, but I think he broke all of my fingers and then I just let go. So I'm falling 25 stories, I'm definitely gonna die right? NOPE, hit a couple branches in this tree, felt a snap in my back and landed on the ground still alive. I couldn't move so I screamed for help. Then! The crazy guy started yelling again, and her freaking threw something at me. Now I'm watching it as its coming at me, it gets bigger and bigger and bigger HOLY SHIT IT'S A FRIDGE! And it crushed me, now I'm here."
"Wow. That is quite the story sir. I'd say a day like that is enough to get you in." St. Peter said before walking him through the gates.
A couple minutes passed and a third man came walking up, St Peter greeted him like he had the others and explained the new rules, then asked him how his day had went.
"Alright man, but you ain't gonna believe this. So I'm naked hiding in a fridge right...."