There are so many in my head, why is this happening to me? What are these sounds? Now there’s laughter, then someone telling me to grab him by the hair and bite through the skin on his neck, but why? Nothing makes sense right now, it’s all so jumbled up and going a hundred miles an hour. There’s sex, fantasy, blood, pain, sex, screaming, punching, pulling my own hair out, everything is just so….crazy.
“Come on! You’ve been sitting here for an hour just looking at me! What the fuck is your problem?” Laughing, and screaming I run, dance, and skip away from him. I’m hugging myself, so lost in whatever is going on in my mind. He comes up behind me.
“What is wrong with you?” Oh, he’s such a sad, sad soul. He makes me want to hug him in my arms and just sing to him like he’s a small child. But a child, he is not. So tall, handsome, wispy blonde curls that fall to his brow, those eyes, so mossy you would think you’re looking into a murky abyss. What the hell is wrong with him? Me, of all people he could have, I’m nothing compared to him, or the women he had before me.
I put my hands over my eyes, rubbing them I murmur, “Oh, you’re so fucked up in the head Kevin.” I laugh, but I hear no laugh from him.
“I think you’ve got it ass backwards Jill. You’re fucking psychotic.”
Taking my hands from my eyes, I stare at him, a dark look in my eyes. Who the hell does he think he is, he doesn’t own me, or have any right to say what I am and am not. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You ain’t no god damn body! You’re a fucking joke, an excuse for a man, you’re such a piece of work, you know that?” Then I feel myself do it, I push him, hard. What am I doing, it’s happening again.
Something is taking over me again. I step forward and try to push him again but he grabs my hands.
Sternly, he says my name. “Jillian.”
“Shut up.” I laugh at him as I kick him in the groin, and he lets go of my hands.
I push him again and he falls on his butt, and there I go, the thing taking over me takes control and pushes him back onto the floor. Straddling his hips, I take his face sharply in both on my hands. He seems so weak, why?
“Awe,” I smile, “You’re so cute. Why me Kevin?”
He takes a sharp breath, still in pain from me kicking him. “I ask myself that all the time.”
I take away one of my hands just to give him a slap to his cheek, nothing too painful, but enough to make sure he is still paying attention. “You know, it’s a shame that you picked me over all of them. They were so pretty, so tall and beautiful, but you picked me. Why?”
He stays quiet, saying nothing while he lays under me, fully capable of changing his position, I nothing compared to him, he’s strong, and I am not, why is he still like this?
“I don’t know what you saw in me, I mean, Cristal was 5’7”, I’m 5’1”. The ones before me were blonde just like you, but I’m not, they were all successful and happy, I wasn’t, and you knew that. Why me Kevin! Why am I the small dark haired girl that you found in a hair salon? There were many others. Huh?” He still says nothing, but looks at me, disappointment in his eyes.
“I asked you a question! You’re so, I don’t even know. I was nothing, and yet you took me in. And I loved you, and cared for you. I got up at the ass crack of dawn to clean your house, or wash your underwear, and what did I get?”
“Bullshit!” Getting up from him I walk across the room with my hands on my head. “I never had you, are you fucking kidding me? All you ever did was sneak around, fucking make me think that you loved me, when in reality, all you cared about was, you know what, I don’t even fucking know! You are pointless! Such a fucking waste of time! All you’ve ever done is fuck with my head from the start. Eww, god! I just want to strangle you, I hate you so much.”
There’s laughing. He’s laughing at me. I turn around to see him red in the face, cracking up out of nowhere.
“What the fuck is so funny?”
Looking up, I can see the emotion in his eyes, revenge. He jumps up off of the floor, grabbing my arms, he shoves me to the ground, putting me exactly like I had him. Next thing I know, I feel his hands at my neck, squeezing.
“If I didn’t want your dumb ass, I would have fucking left you there! Are you stupid Jillian? When in god’s name did you think I was gonna accept you talking to me like this?” His hands squeeze tighter, and now I can feel my face start to go numb, “Huh? Oh yeah, you can’t speak. I actually like it that way. You get so god damn crazy, for no reason at all. You’re the lost cause.” Kevin lets go of me and sits back in front of me putting his face in his hands while resting his elbows on his knees. I sit up, still in shock, and I feel it. It’s gone, the scary thing that takes over me. I look up to see his shoulders shaking. Oh no, he’s crying. He’s only cried once in front of me, but it was over a death.
I sigh, I’ve ruined everything. I love him, even though I hate him. I never wanted to fall in love with him, but I couldn’t help myself. And no matter how much I tried to tell myself different, he loves me too, or at least he did.
I crawl over to him, kneeling in front of him. As soon as he feels me there, he freezes, the only movement is his slow breathing. I pull his arms from his face and wrap my arms around his waist, I am sorry. I love him, I can’t stand what I have done.
I feel him pull my knees up so he is cradling me in these big strong arms of his. He rocks us back and forth; the only sound is his heart.
Time goes by, and eventually I hear him take in breath to speak.
“I don’t care if you’re small, I don’t care if you have dark hair or that you’re fucking senile. If I didn’t want you Jill, we wouldn’t be here. There’s nothing about me that is better than you, I care for you more than I do myself. But I can’t do this if you can’t. You’re all I want, and you should know that by now. If you don’t want to be here, all you have to say is when, and I’ll get you a ticket to go back to Chicago. I love you, but I can’t be okay with you being unhappy or not trusting me. You need to make a decision.”
Sighing, I look up and see him staring at me with those beautiful eyes. He’s such a sad boy, why am I so mean to him? “I don’t want to go Kevin. I’m sorry. I trust you, well, I don’t know, it’s just….nevermind. Can we just have sex now?”
“You just love to end an argument that way don’t you? Sex doesn’t solve everything Jill.”
“Coming from a man, that sounds very cliché and unrealistic.” I laugh.
He pulls me up to meet his face and takes my mouth for a sensual kiss. I grab his face and back to the floor we go, rolling, grabbing, and kissing until our lips hurt.
“Why are you only in a bra?” He asks. I didn’t notice until he said something.
“Shhh, I was doing laundry before you got home. Now don’t talk anymore,” taking off the bra I press the wire around his neck, and he laughs at my attempts to try and strangle him. He grabs my arms and pushing me so I am under him. I slide my hands down to the waistline of his sweats and pull down forcefully, taking his underwear along with his pants to his thighs. He takes no time to position and enter me, grabbing my hips to pull me to him.
Letting out an audible sigh, I grab his wrists as he thrusts away inside of me. As he starts to quicken, my fingernails gradually dig into the skin on his wrists, and when I can feel him squeezing my hips to try to loosen my grip on is wrists, I move my hands to his thighs.
Pulling myself closer to his thrust, my grunts start to get louder until I’m screaming for release. He pumps in hard three times and I let go, screaming and digging my nails, again, into the flesh of his thighs. He finishes when I do, and he lies on top of me, coming down from his climax.
I feel him lift me to wrap his arms around my waist and lay on his side. Taking this opportunity, I wrap my arms around his next and place his head against my breasts.
“If you ever slap me again, I will have to spank your ass.” I hear Kevin murmur into the cleavage of my breasts. I laugh while pulling on his golden hair.
“Oh please do.” And we don’t speak again, eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms on the floor, where an hour earlier, we assaulted each other. In the morning, it will all go back to normal. And in the morning, I will still be as happy as I was before he walked into the door. Tomorrow will bring another argument I’m sure, but until then, I’ll enjoy the feeling of his arms around me, and the heat of his face against my heart.
“Goodnight.” He says to me. I kiss his forehead in reply, and quickly fall asleep in his arms.