(Narrator) In this edition of our program the boys try to cum to grips with that old porn movie query
"How much cum is too much?"
Hopefully they can get their hands on the correct data to shoot some holes in this movie cliché.
Who are the Cockbusters?
Jay-me "The Heinie-man" who is always ready to answer the "call of booty."
"Slam-it-in" Savage whose motto is "If it's a tight fit, slam it in."
Between them over 20 years special sex-effects for the porn movie industry.
Joining them is "Glory hole" Melaychic the man you need when you need something knocked up.
And the man who loves to read that an item requires batteries "Pants" Isonfire.
Last but not least is the high priestess of geek, fanboy fantasy, Carrie Mybum.
This team does not just bust cocks; it does so only after putting them to the test.
(J) Jay-me, (S) Slam-it-in, (C) Carrie, (G) Glory hole, (P) Pants and of course (N) Narrator.
Try changing voices when you read each line.
(G + P) Hi Boss, got the email, is this to discuss what's coming up in this episode.
(J) Cumming is the appropriate word.
(S) We have received a number of emails from porn fans about how much cum gets splashed around when they film the money shot.
(J) Some fans want to know do we use watered down yoghurt or a milk and flour mix to replicate semen and boost the volume.
(S) We want you guys to make a simulated penis capable of delivering a measured dose of artificial cum right in the face at the exact time the cameras roll.
(G) Sure we can do that but what are you going to be doing?
(J) We are meeting with a fertility expert to find out what is the average load of semen delivered during intercourse.
(N) So while Glory and Pants head off to talk to Carrie about an artificial penis Jay-Me and Slam are off to meet with Doctor X Grossout at the Fertility Understanding Clinic (FUC)
Jay-Me and Slam-it-in drive off to the clinic.
(S) So Jay-me what do we know about this doctor.
(J) Well, according to our researchers he is the top guy in the state in regard to fertility problems in men and women. He also gets about a $1000 an hour to have women lay back and spread their legs so he can poke and probe their private parts.
(S) I just cannot imagine a guy starting his medical degree course with the plan in mind to poke women in their pussy's and get paid for it.
(J) Luckily for us he is a fan of the program, which is why he is giving us a half hour for free to talk about cum.
(N) Lets hope the boys don't end up with a handful of research.
(J) Thanks for seeing us Doctor Grossout. What we want to know is what is an average amount of cum ejaculated during sex.
(D) Our data has it between 5ml and 10ml or a teaspoon to a tablespoon.
(S) That's not much at all.
(D) You must remember that for the purpose of reproduction quantity does not really matter it's more about the quality of the sperm.
(J) So Doc if it's a money shot in a porno how do they know how much the guy will unload.
(D) It depends on a number of factors including how long since his last ejaculation, age and fitness of the subject and of course how highly he has been stimulated.
(N) Lots of science stuff here so we will hit the fast-forward and find the boys back at their work shop outlining the experiment to Glory and Pants. Carrie wanders in and wants to know why she is being excluded seeing as she is an unofficial expert on getting guys to jerk off.
(S) OK people here are the plan. In exchange for mentioning the name of Dr Grossout and his Fertility Understanding Clinic during the program as often as we can the good doctor will supervise our experiment for free.
(J) First off the 4 male members of the team will provide a base line sample to the doctor.
(S) Next, each of us will be provided with a different form of erotic stimulation and another sample taken.
(J) Finally we will get to engage in sexual intercourse and then we will compare each sample and see if there is any discernable difference in the quantity of cum produced.
(C) And I get to do what?
(J) You will be mixing up various combinations to get a close approximation of cum, that can be ejected from the artificial penis Glory and Pants are working on.
(S) Yes, and you need to test it for texture and taste compared to the original.
(N) So while the boy’s head back to see Dr Grossout at his Fertility Understanding Clinic, Carrie heads off to the Cockbusters kitchen to cook up some cum concoctions or maybe some cum cocktails.
(N) Back at the Fertility Understanding Clinic the boys get their instructions. First up is the base sample. They will each be in a small cubicle with a chair, table, cup and their imagination. They will have 30 minutes to produce a sample to measure the amount produced.
Now with the ever-popular time-lapse montage we are able to see them all cum simultaneously so as not to embarrass anyone who may have been a bit premature.
Step two will occur following a week, in which they must refrain from any form of sexual activity to maximise the period of sperm production. They will then be allocated one form of erotic simulation.
There will be pictures, video, visual and one lucky "member" of the team will get a blow job, no swallowing allowed, as this is for science.
(N) Back at the workshop Glory tries to lay his hands on a penis while Pants goes to the kitchen to check on Carrie's creative, cum cuisine. As he enters the doorway he sees Carrie squatting in front of the fridge her tank top T has pulled up her back and her hipster jeans have slid down her butt showing Pants a nice T junction of her black thong panties. Even though he knows he must refrain from sex the sight of the pale skin, the black underwear and red hair has got his pecker twitching.
(P) So how is the cum coming along? Anything I can pump through a penis yet?
(C) I've cobbled a few combinations together from stuff in the fridge and cupboard and while the appearance is OK I'm not too sure about the texture and taste.
(P) Too bad we couldn't bring our samples back from the Fertility Understanding Clinic that would have given you something to work with.
(N) Spying the bulge in Pants pants Carrie moves in and traps him against the kitchen bench.
(C) So, if I give you a little motivation do you think you might still have some cum to spare?
(N) Carrie starts to massage his man muscle through the material of his trousers until she feels its firmness, then she pops the penis free and commences operation "Cum Extraction."
(P) No, don't I'm not supposed to have sex for a week until we do step 2.
(C) Hey, if I don't swallow then it isn’t sex.
(N) So while Pants concentrates on the pump he has to build to shoot the cum out, Carrie shows him that the sucking vacuum method is even better. Thanks to her fist jerking, head bobbing and tongue twirling it's not long before Carrie has Pants at the point of delivery. Applying pressure to Pants' cockhead
Carrie grabs a beaker from the bench and timing the next pulse just right the white line of cum hits the bottom of the beaker with a satisfactory splat.
(C) Wow, for a guy who jerked off a load about an hour ago that is a mighty impressive deposit. You are going to need a bigger cup if you store it up for a week.
(N) So while wobbly legged Pants totters back to his workshop Carrie dips her finger in the fresh spunk splatter and compares the taste and texture to her own cum confections with a satisfied smack of the lips.
(N) With Glory and Pants unable to touch or play with themselves that just meant they had more time to build and with Glory returning from his trip to a local adult toy supplier with a range of fantasy phallus's production was full steam ahead.
(G) Well here we are team; I literally blew the budget on this selection of dildos. Carrie run your hand or eye over this lot and give us your opinion as to which one is the most likely candidate for our artificial cum pumper.
(C) I think we should use this double-headed bad boy. Slice it in half to give us two identical heads then run the tube through the middle on one and with the other run it under the shaft so you can use your thumb to block the tube to increase pressure at release.
(G) Sounds like a plan, Pants is the pump ready?
(P) Pump is ready, just need to calibrate the pressure once we have our cum container attached, don't want to take out someone's eye.
(N) So with their hands on a fake penis it took little time to mock up the first shooter.
(P) Cum pumper, centre shaft, first firing in 3,2,1 fire.
(N) Instead of going off like a pocket pistol the fluid dribbled out the end of the penis. Looks like this experiment went off half-cocked. Some hasty adjustments and they were ready to reload.
(P) Cum pumper, centre shaft, second firing in 3,2,1 fire.
(N) Once again the pump sucked and blew but at the business end it was more of a spurt than a jet. So they replaced the head for the second mock up and Carrie stepped in to, um, lend a hand.
(P) Cum pumper, below shaft, first firing in 3,2,1 fire.
(N) Carrie applies thumb pressure to the tubing and Pants cycles the pump a second time. Feeling the pressure build Carrie releases it at just the right moment to send a stream of creamy, white liquid across the workshop.
(C) Oh wow, look at that. Quickly get the tape measure.
(G) That was amazing, lets see now, 22 inches from tip to last splat.
(C) Lets try another mixture and see if there's any difference.
(N) So they primed the pump with a slightly runnier mix than before and prepared to fire again.
(P) Cum pumper, below shaft, second firing in 3,2,1 fire.
(N) Again Carrie applied pressure to the tube and Pants recycled the pump. This time the results were better than before with the mixture flying more than 3 feet across the
(C) Pants give me a two pump cycle again but as soon as it shoots give me two more.
(N) Pants followed Carries instructions and this time the first jet of imitation cum was followed by a second that didn't quite travel as far as the first.
(G) Wow, talking from experience here, that looked very accurate. I think if we program a sequence of pumps and pressure reductions like 2,2 - pressure down 2,3 - pressure down 4 then we may be able to recreate the porn movie money shot.
(N) It took most of the afternoon but they finally worked out the best combination of fluid, pumps and pressure. So with Carrie on her knees, mouth open and tongue waiting to be spray-painted they were able work some movie magic.
(C) Oh yeah baby I can't wait. Let me jerk your cock until you cum. Jerk, jerk, jerk give it to me baby.
(N) Right on cue Pants triggered the pump program and with thumb firmly in place Carrie, wagging the fake penis, copped one line from nose to forehead, a second from her cheek into her mouth, the third hit her tongue and chin while the final two dribbled over her fist and dripped to the floor.
(P) Woo who, yes. That was amazing.
(C) Can I get a towel? This stuff is a bit slimier than I thought it would be.
(N) So with the build a success the team take a well earned break.
(N) Once again it's time to visit Dr Grossout and his Fertility Understanding Clinic for week two of our research. The good doctor has the results of last week and is ecstatic at the numbers. Seems the boys had an above averaged score with a total of 44ml between them when the doctor anticipated 35 to 40ml.
The good doctor also had a set of numbered cards for the boys to select and keeping their selections hidden leads them off to another set of rooms.
Pants drew number one and his cubicle was similar to before except for the addition of an envelope of photographs.
Glory drew number two and his cubicle had a wall mounted flatscreen and remote for watching a porn film.
Slam-it-in drew number three and his cubicle had a one way mirror so he could see into the room of a young woman.
Jay-Me drew number four and his cubicle was similar to before except for the addition of a one way mirror and a "glory hole."
Let the stimulation begin.
Now it should also be pointed out that the young woman who is pole dancing and stripping for Slam and Jay-Me is also the woman in the pictures in the possession of Pants and on the dvd watched by Glory.
Having danced and stripped down to the bare essentials she inserted a finger into the glory hole of Jay-me's cubicle and signalled that she was ready for a member of the audience to participate.
Jay-Me poked his penis through the plywood and the young woman proceeded to extract the required sample and from her technique it appears this is not the first time she has done this for the good doctor.
30 minutes later and four flushed face individuals were rather quiet on the drive back to the workshop possible thinking about step 3 next week.
(N) Week three and the boys visit Dr Grossout and his Fertility Understanding Clinic for hopefully the last time. The doctor has arranged for 4 ladies to take the final samples. Oddly each woman is dressed like Carrie, wearing red wigs, tight jeans and filled out t-shirts.
The Doc is also happy that the week 2 results showed an almost 40% increase with a 15ml average and a top of 18ml.
So with this dance being ladies choice the men are led away to yet another collection of rooms and prepare to give their all for science.
To allow for maximum sperm production the doc allows a full hour of "stimulation" and at the end of the allotted time the lovely ladies present him with 4 condoms filled with the third and final samples.
(N) Back at Cockbusters HQ Carrie has also had an afternoon that has left her flushed and breathless, watching cum shot after cum shot and working out if their machine can accurately "reproduce" the onscreen results.
(J) Good news, you can raise the dosage to 15ml for each ejaculation.
(C) OK, that should make for a more realistic shot. I did notice that for facial shots the women get a small amount of cum in their mouth but then mix it with saliva and let that dribble from their lips and onto their boobs so it appears as if the stud produced more.
(S) Good point, so maybe we can also go with a thinner mix and shorter bursts from the pump.
(C) Most of the body shots have the guy standing and the woman on her back so the cum has a distance to fall before splatter point, again making it look like it pumped harder and further.
(J) And what about from behind?
(C) Two different styles there. 1) Guy pulls out, clamps his hand around his cock, maybe leans back a bit and then releases it so it shoots across her back nearly to her neck. 2) Guy pulls out, clamps his hand around his cock, but holds it close to her butt hole and releases it slowly or in short bursts so it runs down her butt crack or pools between her cheeks.
(S) Alright, looks like the research is done; now all we need is the final numbers from the doc and we are ready to film some money shots.
(S) Jay-Me I showed the pump footage to an adult movie producer friend and he found it difficult to tell the difference between the fake and real footage.
(J) Well then job done, so we can put that down as confirmed.
(S) Yes, with the right conditions a man can produce the amount of semen seen in a porno money shot. Where is the pump now?
(J) The others are running some more tests before storing it away.
(N) If only they knew what was about to happen.
(C) OK we have the soda bottle and the mints in place.
(G) I've put a quick release clamp on the penis.
(P) Pump is ready to go.
(P) Soda pumper, centre shaft, first firing in 3,2,1 fire.
(N) Combining the penis pump with the soda/mint device to have a penis/soda foam fountain sounded like a good idea on paper, the reality not so good.
(P) Glory release the clamp the soda bottle is about to explode.
(N) Glory jerked the string with promptly snapped just inches from the clamp and as Jay-Me and Slam walked in what should have been a piece for the promo reel became one for the blooper reel as the pressure from the soda split the penis showering all in the room with cola flavoured foam.