In a display cabinet deep in Prussia is a giant bronze cock, well bronze coloured, it is actually cast iron with bronze gilding, Its head is fearsome. its eye seems to follow you around the room and its wings are so exquisitely formed you would almost think it could fly.
A giant cock, and why was it made? A simple mistake, but behind it a story of a simple girl who preferred pigs to Princes, a heart warming feel good story and so I have translated the words from the original Hugenot into English English. for your delectation.
The Reluctant Princess. a.broadsword mmxiii
The morning light streamed across the bed chamber as Prince Armen woke.
"Good morning your highness," Greta his chambermaid chirped when she was sure he was awake.
"Uggghhhh," he replied, "My head!" he said while staring at the girl and trying to remember the previous night's party.
Greta was slim and agile with beautiful long blonde hair plaited into two pony tails.
Once his chambermaids were fat and ugly as his mother feared he would force himself upon them but now as she feared he would never desire a woman she had sought the most beautiful serving girl in the whole kingdom.
"Your father wishes to see you sire," she chirped.
"Tell him to," Armen snapped.
"Now sire," Greta cautioned, "He merely wishes you to choose a wife."
"But I am in love!" Armen protested.
"But Edward is not a girl, is he sire?" she pointed out.
Armen shook his head, how unfair, he reasoned.
"What am I to do?" he asked.
"Well you could," Greta said, "Be like Cinderella."
"What, put on a funny dress and wear glass slippers?" he asked.
"No," she said, "Tell your father you met a girl at the masked ball last night and she rushed away but left."
"Her glass slipper, she wore glass slippers and went home without one, really!" he countered, "Limping along wearing one shoe, I don't think so.".
"No, her dildo!" she laughed.
"What?" he queried.
"Her glass dildo!" Greta repeated, "You know."
"No, to be quite honest," he replied, "I don't know."
"A glass dildo, a widow's comforter." she said with an evil grin.
"So all these girls?" he asked.
"Exactly!" Greta exclaimed.
"So?" he asked.
"See who claims it and then," she suggested, "Make them show you if it fits!"
"What make them push it!" he asked.
"Exactly!" Greta exclaimed, "It will be so funny! You could have every girl in the kingdom try it!" she laughed.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because," she said enigmatically, "We use the cock off the statue in the courtyard as a pattern!"
"But it's enormous!" he said.
"Ten times you own size," she volunteered.
"Twice perhaps," he allowed.
"And there won't be a single girl or woman who can take it!" Greta laughed.
"And your point is?" he asked.
"Keep it up long enough and you will be king and can simply choose to alter the law so you can marry Edward!" she explained.
"But Edward will take it up the back easily so I may marry Edward straight away," Armen declared delightedly, "Oh Greta you are so clever!"
Greta glared, that was not her plan at all, "Yes!" she said, "Wonderful, your father wants you."
The Queen waited for Armen to leave his room before she sought out Greta, "Did it work?" she asked.
"Yes and no," Greta said, "Yes he swallowed the plan, but no, he doesn't want to stop with girls."
"Oh god," the Queen cursed, "You said the plan was foolproof."
"But your son is a bigger fool than I thought possible," Greta said sadly.
"You are very impertinent girl," the Queen insisted.
"No Ma'am, your son is very stupid." Greta sighed.
"Then you will have to marry him," the Queen insisted.
"Oh please no," Greta pleaded, "It's bad enough being his maid."
"My dear, you just have to bear him a son or two, nothing onerous." the Queen explained, "Separate rooms, a footman for a lover, why you need barely set eyes upon him.
"No," Greta insisted, "No!"
"Very well then," the Queen agreed, "I'll have the blacksmith make a brass copy of the statue's cock."
The Queen swept from the room and Greta was left alone in Armen's room.
She kicked a few garments around the floor flicked a cobweb or two and then sat on the bed.
The bed was nice and soft so she slid under the covers, and before she knew it she felt nice and safe and warm and her hand stole under her gown and she began to gently finger her tight virgin vagina until she felt lovely and moist and was able to thrust one two and then three fingers inside herself which was particularly stupid if she wanted to prove she was a virgin for any reason.
Suddenly she heard voices, Armen and Edward were outside the door, quickly she rushed from the bed and busied herself.
"Ah maid, make haste, we wish to be alone." Prince Armen commanded.
"Begging your pardon sir but the Queen she did order me to stay no matter what," Greta lied.
"Oh stay then," he snorted, "Stand in the corner and face the wall."
"The Queen says," Greta lied again.
"Bugger the Queen!" Armen laughed.
"That's incest old chap!" Edward laughed.
"Hilarious," Greta agreed.
"Where did you learn such words?" Edward asked.
"Here and there," Greta admitted.
"Well keep them to yourself!" Edward insisted, but he was too late, the Queen had returned.
"Ah, downstairs Armen if you please your father wishes an audience," she insisted.
They left Greta alone again, and she sat moodily on the chair wondering whether she should escape at night or try it in daylight on market day when it was very busy.
Nearly a week went by, and the Queen sent word that the bronze cock was ready and Greta was to collect it.
Greta knew instantly something was wrong, it was wrapped in parchment but was impossibly large.
"Its got wings!" she said as the blacksmith proudly showed it to her, "You stupid oaf its a Chicken!"
"As ordered," he said, "A bronze cock."
"She wanted a bronze cock," Greta sighed, "Not a bronze cockerel!"
"Should have said," the blacksmith replied.
"Are you the most stupid blacksmith that ever lived?" she asked.
"There's one over in Dusseldorf what's even stupider," the blacksmiths apprentice said suddenly as he dodged the blacksmith's backhand slap.
"Oh for heaven's sake she wanted a dildo!" Greta sighed.
"Oh we got loads of they," said the blacksmith, "What size?" he asked and he undid his breeches, "Like mine or smaller?"
Greta stared, it must have been six inches long and grey.
"Bigger," she said confidently.
"Try a number three," he said and the apprentice went off and came back with an iron penis.
"Only got in in Value Brand," the apprentice said, "That's iron see, standard is bronze then there's"
"Thank you," the blacksmith agreed, "Will Iron do, would you like to try it?"
"No thank you," Greta said.
"You can have the silver for the same price if you let us watch you try it." the blacksmith suggested proving he wasn't entirely stupid.
"No!" Greta insisted.
"Half price, two for one," the blacksmith offered.
"Oh very well," Greta agreed, "Where can I hang my smock?"
Greta slipped her smock over her head leaving herself entirely bare except her sandals, her small but exquisite tits standing out proudly on her slim torso, the faint covering of downy golden hair hiding nothing of her perfect cunt lips.
"Bollocks," said the blacksmith, "I cum in me pants."
Poor Greta, no matter how hard she tried she just could not get her cunt lips around the silver shaft, they even got some of the militia from the Inn to make suggestions, as to what she should do, a passing delivery driver, a tramp, several monks en route to the monastery, a butcher, a baker, a watch and clock maker, all squeezed into the workshop where Greta struggled to shove the silver dildo up.
The drummer from the Militia arrived to play a drum roll every time she tried, the apprentice cleared the room and then let people back in if they paid a pfennig and poor Greta strained away trying everything she knew.
"I cannot!" she said finally after nearly twenty hours of exertion.
"Fetch a number two lad," said the blacksmith who was not as stupid as he looked, "Bronze."
The apprentice handed it to Greta, she lay back on the filthy workbench and eased the bulbous head of the very ordinary dildo between her cunt lips. "It fits!" the apprentice cried and a great cheer went up.
"Why didn't you suggest that in the first place?" Greta asked.
"Uh?" said the blacksmith who wasn't stupid at all but was a whole lot richer from the nights takings.
The crowd filed away leaving an empty workshop with blobs of cum over the floor and benches to show where filthy peasants had been wanking.
"You can have two number twos for price of one lass." the blacksmith said helpfully, "One silver and one bronze if you help clear up all that cum."
"I'm not licking up all that cum!" Greta insisted as she went to put her smock on.
The blacksmith wobbled and crashed to the floor as his knees gave way.
"He's had a heart attack!" Greta cried.
"He just cum in his pants again," the apprentice explained.
"I meant with a mop," the blacksmith cried, "I reckon me cock split I cum so hard."
Greta cleared the cum, scooping it into a glass jar to use as glue if there wasn't a bull handy, and then with a cheery smile she wobbled back to the palace clutching two metal dildoes.
The queen was not amused, "You stay out all night and then come back with this, this, this tiddler!"
"Sorry," Great said, "But I couldn't get the number three up, and it was two for one and."
"And what?" the Queen asked.
"I didn't want to disappoint all the men who paid to watch," Greta confessed.
"It gets worse," the Queen sighed, "He wet the bed again."
"Sorry," Greta apologised.
"I told you," the Queen said, "Four strikes of the clock wake him and relieve him."
"I won't do it again," Greta said.
"But you are supposed to do it you stupid girl!" the Queen sighed, "Like getting glue from a bull, as it is the sheets are all stuck together and we may have to wash them!"
"Sorry, OK," Greta snapped, "Let him marry his boyfriend why don't you, then we'll see who wears the trousers."
Greta looked at the Queen and the Queen at Greta, "Who wears the dress?" Greta asked rhetorically.
Prince Armen was in a foul mood, he was playing cards with his friends when the Queen approached with Greta close behind, "Where were you in my hour of need?" he demanded.
"Out," Greta replied angrily.
"I woke in a like of my own fluids girl, it is not good enough!" Armen said as his friends sniggered.
"Twenty and eight years and he wets the bed," Greta sighed and his friends laughed out loud.
"Do you delight in humiliating me wench?" he asked.
Greta thought hard, actually she did, "Yes," she agreed.
"Well I shall delight in torturing you at my wedding celebration!" he snapped.
"No more four o'clocks," Greta threatened.
"Edward will oblige," Armen insisted.
"Sire?" asked Herr Landsdorf head of palace security, "Is Edward, ah, bent?"
"Indeed and we shall be married!" Armen insisted.
"Now hang on Armie!" Edward protested, "We're just chums."
"But when you have you cock lopped off," Armen reminded him.
"Now hang on, you are wearing the dress, I shall be king!" Edward exclaimed.
"No way!" Armen cried and Greta and the Queen slipped away.
Armen and Edward rowed late into the night and were still rowing at four o'clock when Greta came to find them to relieve Armen.
They sat in two easy chairs in the study facing each other so Greta knelt between them.Edward watched horror struck as Greta extracted Armen's cock from his breeches and started stroking it, it stiffened instantly.
"Armen!" Edward protested.
"Oh very well, do his too," Armen sighed so Greta fumbled his breeches and extracted his turgid grey cock.
"Yuck!" Greta exclaimed, "Sod that I would rather hang," she said and she stood up and walked off.
"Stop," Armen cried as he waddled after her with breeches at half mast and his rigid cock gyrating madly, and as Greta out ran him he turned to Edward saying, "Now look what you have done!"
Armen woke in an armchair, his back hurt, he was angry, and then his father appeared, "Big day my son." he said.
"What?" Armen queried.
"Test day for the silver dildo," the King announced, "There's a queue a twenty yards long outside the palace."
"What silver dildo?" Armen asked with a sense of dread.
"The one your mother has been on about for weeks, anyway there's a queue a hundred yards long at the main gate."
"You said twenty," Armen challenged.
"Twenty wenches, but a couple of hundred spectators at a pfenning a throw," The King explained, "Plus we have ale and knackwurst in a bread roll, and chicken nuggets."
"I shall not be part of this!" Armen insisted.
"They have come to see fresh cunt not your stupid face," the King sighed, "You better get your friend Edward in line if you want to marry him."
Edward was indeed in line, dressed in a fetching pink smock with his cock taped to his belly with candle wax soaked bandages he waited to have a bronze rammed up his rectum.
The central courtyard was packed with people as the first woman stepped forward, not a noblewoman, nor a princess as some had hoped but a common prostitute. Ellie
A seat with footsteps was arranged on stage to reveal in as much detail as possible of the insertion and with a drum roll Ellie raised her smock to her chin revealing her nakedness and Herr Lansdorf took the dildo and without ceremony thrust it deep inside Ellie, so deep in fact that it twisted slightly and he lost his grip as he struggled to get it back out.
"It fits!" Ellie protested.
"Like a prick in a washing tub!" some wag insisted.
The castle erupted into raucous laughter, "You said it were a big one!" Ellie protested as Lansdorf took off his glove to push his whole hand past her black hairy belly to disappear inside her cavernous cunt to seek out the dildo, "I been shoving a table leg up because they said it was a big one!" she protested to raucous laughter.
The King laughed, the ale was selling well and they had two poachers to hang in the interval and all in all things were going well.
"I don't think so," Lansdorf shouted, "Next."
Griselda tried next, she worked in the same whore house as Ellie an she too had been practising using a leg off the big table in the waiting room, predictably as she bared her charms the dildo disappeared inside her, "Without even touching the sides."
"I don't think so," Herr Lansdorf adjudged, "Next!"
Next was Mathilda, then Chloe then Yvette, poor Lansdorf was getting tired of manipulating lost dildoes, and the crowd was getting bored.
"Put the Gay one on next," the King ordered in a stage whisper.
Armen who had been watching from the back came forward to be by the Kings side, the Queen brought Greta down to be beside him, "Moment of truth lad," the King said patronisingly.
Edward wanted to kneel on the seat and take it from behind but Lansdorf would have none of it, "No sir, ah, madam, ah, miss, ah whatever, you must sit like the other contestants."
Edward sat as instructed and raised his smock, he looked ridiculous with his prick stuck to his belly and Lansdorf too a big breath and forced the bronze into Edwards tight bud of an ass hole, it went in barely 5cm.
"Sire, it barely fits," Lansdorf announced.
"Then use the mallet man!" the King laughed.
"Mall it, Mall it!" the crowd started to chant led it must be admitted by Greta.
"You're enjoying this," the Queen suggested, and Greta just giggled.
Lansdorf had found a hammer by this time and he tapped the dildo.
"Whack it, it's brass not glass!" someone said so Lansdorf did "Whack."
"Aggghhh!" Edward screamed, and then again, higher pitched in complete agony as his ass started bleeding.
"Sire he bleeds," Lansdorf explained.
"One more for luck," the King suggested and Edward fainted, "Put him with the poachers," the King said harshly for being gay was illegal at that time.
The mood turned sullen quite quickly, "Hang them!" they shouted
"Hang them, Armen, Hang them, Armen." Greta encouraged them.
"You stupid girl," the Queen sighed, "If they hang him you'll never be queen."
"I don't want to be!" Greta insisted.
"Don't knock it till you tried it, fine silk on your nipples beats rough smock cloth any day." the Queen whispered, "Choice of footmen, no one ordering you about."
"Oh," Greta said, "I never thought."
"So borrow one of my old dresses and try the dildo." the Queen said.
"What show my unmentionables!" Greta said shocked.
"No!" the Queen said, "Suck it!"
Greta laughed, "Yes why not!" she agreed and they slipped away.
An hour later a dejected crowd were about to lynch the poachers when Herr Lansdorf announced, "Our final contestant Princess Margeurita!" and an almost unrecognisable Greta in a fairy tale princess dress three sizes too big stepped up on stage.
She sat on the chair and said, "Well wipe it off first, you don't know where it has been!" which got a laugh and then when Lansdorf wiped it she took it and licked the end.
The crowd fell silent as she kissed the end and then tipping her head back she slid it down her throat and began to, well choke to be honest.
"The winner!" Lansdorf cried as she turned blue and he dragged the dildo form her mouth.
"Is she all right!" Armen cried and he rushed to her side, "You did that for me?" he asked.
"No, not really, it was fun," Greta explained.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," the King shouted, "There will now be a short interval while we erect the gallows, we have two poachers today and two homosexuals, Prince Armen and his friend Edward."
"What?" Armen protested, "But I am to be married to Greta."
"Indeed, married then hung," the King said, "That way we have a Princess we can be proud of."
"But the marriage is void unless consummated, and if I consummate I am not homosexual," Armen said seeing the trap he had fallen into.
"Hang on don't I get a say in this?" Greta asked.
"No," the Queen snapped, "If you don't like it I'll have my dress back!"
There was a gasp as Greta pulled the dress over her head and threw it at the Queen
She realised her mistake instantly, blood vessels bulged on Armen's forehead.
"No sire!" Lansdorf pleaded and he grabbed the dildo and forcing Greta into the chair he forced it deep inside her sweet virgin cunt, she gasped, and then Armen was on her.
"I have to, please forgive me!" he pleaded as he struggled to grip the slimy dildo sending sensations of unbearable pleasure coursing through Greta's slim boyish body.
Fingers tugged at Armen's fly buttons and with a cheer that could be heard in Onionstadt he mounted her and throwing the dildo to the crowd he started to hump.
He revelled in her moistness, no need to smear fresh lard over his cock after a dozen strokes like with Edward and quite suddenly Armen realised what he had been missing.
The cheering reached a crescendo but Armen didn't cum so they got on with the hangings instead.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" Armen cried.
"Shall we hang Edward for being gay?" Herr Lansdorf asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" Armen answered,
"Or shall we send him to somewhere quite awful, Saffron Walden for instance?" Herr Lansdorf queried.
"Yes, yes, yes," Armen exclaimed and so was Edward saved.
Finally it was over, Greta looked up into a cloudless sky as Armen's cock slowly shrank.
"Seventeen minutes and one half," Herr Lansdorf announced but no one was listening as they were watching the poachers dancing before voting which went through, (the Trapdoor) and which went through to the semi finals in Dresden, and the winner being hung at the Ocktoberfest in Munchen.
Armen and Greta went to see the King.
"Ah I pronounce you man and wife," he said, "Go away."
"You can't do that!" Greta protested.
"Well I think I can," the King said, "And write death warrants," he added, "Which is it to be?"
Greta looked at the ground and at Armen, the King sighed and said. "For heavens sake its a simple enough question."
"Look when I'm King I'll divorce you and you can go back to the farm," Armen offered.
"You know I want to be on the farm yet you keep me here you heartless beast!" Greta railed.
"Right listen up," An exasperated King said, "Two weeks vacation on the farm every spring and fall, and two grandsons, tow mind, I can't be fairer than that."
"OK," said Greta, "I suppose that's fair."
"And when she's away father," Armen asked, "Do I use a maid from the brothel, or may I visit Edward in Saffron Walden?"
"Neither, you help out on the farm," the King announced, "Man and wife, already consummated so arise Princess Marguerite."
"I never agreed to that!" Greta pleaded.
"Too late girl, honour an obey and all that," the King laughed.
And Armen found himself holding Greta's hand and getting stiff again....
And the giant cock remained abandoned and unloved until the workshop was demolished to make way for an Asda Walmart store and it was given to the museum.
And Edward, who cares?
I would like to think the all lived happily ever after but this is life not a fairy tale.