My mom and him got together when I was ten. My dad left her for another woman and my new step dad actually looked kind of like me. I had long dark hair and was very skinny with very small breasts coming in. My two younger brothers and I were happy to meet my step dads kids, but they were not often around we soon found out. Eventually they got married and life took a turn for the worst. They drank quite a lot and apparently there was a lot of drugs involved. My step dad would play games with us and scare us. I was always a little intimidated by him. When he hugged me he pressed his whole body against me and made me press my whole self against him even my vagina and tiny breasts.
One summer night my step dad and mom went out drinking and left my brothers and I home alone. We played for hours, but eventually went to bed.
Later I woke up to my step dad poking me in the butt with his finger. I tried to roll away, but he pulled me back. I noticed he was completely naked.
I tried to get him off me, but he pulled my panties off and spread my legs really wide holding them down on the bed. I remember how hot it was that night and how my small TV cast light in the room. I could see him kneeling over my vagina. His face was down there and he was rubbing me with his hand. He took a bottle of lotion and began rubbing that on me.
After a while, he started to lick my vagina. I stopped trying to get him off of me. I was horrified and very scared. I just lay there as he licked my vagina and rubbed me. He got up again and I could see his penis in the light from the TV. It was very large. He rubbed more lotion on me down there. Soon I felt his tonge and fingers probing my 11 year old pussy. Part of me felt curious about the sensations I felt. The tongue felt soft and his fingers were gentle even though he held me in place so I couldn't get away. He didn't hurt my pussy. Even though I felt curious I tried to get away and I think he was going to do more, but for some reason after I tried rolling away from him a few more times he gave up.
I tried to tell my mom right away. He had passed out and I went into their room and woke my mom up to tell her, but she ignored me. I tried several times to say something, but she made the excuse that he was probably confused from drinking.
I went back to my room and went to bed.
The next day, I went downstairs and I was home alone with my step dad. I am not sure where anyone else was, but he wanted me to sit on his lap. Whenever we were alone he would have me sit on his lap or come into the bathroom when he was bathing. He would “accidentally” expose his rock hard penis to me. It was really big.
Once he played cards with me and set the cards down on his penis every time I was supposed to grab one and he would try to get me to touch him.
Sometimes he said I reminded him of an old girlfriend he had and he wanted to take
pictures of me.
Another time he came in when I was asleep with a friend of his and he began to touch me, but I stopped it. I always stopped it. For some reason it seemed like a game of chicken. How far could he take it?
There were times when he watched me in the shower and tried to have me touch him and press my body against his when he hugged me. I felt sick. This went on for many years.
I knew he wanted to have sex with me. I knew he wanted to take pictures of me. He had porn and sometimes I snuck in his room to watch it. One time I found my mom's stash of sexy clothing and tried some on even though they were too big. I still had small breasts even as I've gotten older. I found dildos and vibrators and tried playing with them. Part of me wanted things to go further, because some how I felt horny at the same time that I felt really afraid and sick about what went on between my step dad and myself.
He wanted to fuck me and now I sometimes wish I had let him. I hate feeling like that.
I never let him then. Then I was strong and angry at him. I hated him for so many years. I hated my mom for doing nothing.
We never had sex, but now that I am older I can’t stop thinking about these events. I sometimes fantasize about being molested and raped by my step dad. Sometimes I want men to treat me like their step daughter and molest me while I’m sleeping, fuck me, and let their friends molest me and fuck me. I've read stories from other victims from support group sites and I've talked with professionals to get help. I used to take medications to help me out. Mostly I ended up feeling high and numb. I feel like a terrible freak. I can’t get this out of my head. Why would I ever want to act this out? Why does it turn me on now? I’ve had counseling and I know what happened wasn’t my fault. I know that sometimes victims feel this way, but it bothers me. I've actually tried to find ways to meet men who would act this out and who would help me work this out in my head. I can’t seem to have a normal relationship. So I thought I would write about it and maybe this would stop.