"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I am Ian Henderson of Hirondell Akamura Associates and I am here to talk about efficiency."
It was Monday morning, around ten, the staff meeting, boring stuff.
"Now I did some preliminaries last week and I found that our availability ratio only rose to seventy eight percent on Thursday, and that excludes annual leave, sick leave and other legitimate absence, and actually fell below fifty percent on Tuesday and Friday."
Boring, Karen mentally switched off and began to day dream of fucking Barry her boss.
Muscular well built rugged Barry in his smart lightweight suit started to dream of Saturday's match against Blaenavon, last time they lost 13-12 after the referee missed an illegal forward pass that let them score a try and conversion in the last two minutes.
"From putting down the phone until the next call the average toilet break is actually nineteen minutes, the average ladies and gentlemen, two or three times a day, an hour lost, calls diverted for an hour a day per receptionist, that is where you keep falling down."
Mike Summerbee the office manager raised his hand, "Mike?" Ian queried.
"So what do you suggest?" he asked.
"Well on the plus side you do have a high customer satisfaction ratio, far better than Mumbai for instance so really it is about efficency."
Mike raised his hand again, "Right we know this," he said, "What do you suggest?"
Ian smiled, "Hirondell Akamura are specialists in this field, in fact we are the world leaders in our field and our type 43 office chair is another significant step towards driving efficiency ratios towards an achievable goal of up to ninety eight percent, based on seven hours working hours per day."
"So new chairs boost efficiency by twenty per cent?" Mike asked incredulously.
"Up to, for ladies," he explained, "Gentlemen are a larger problem."
"So how in gods name does a different chair increase efficiency," Mike asked again.
"The Type 43 has a completely separate back rest, you know how your jacket tail loses its' shape when you sit on it, well on the type 43 the jacket tails can hang down to within one fifty millimeters thats six old fashioned inches of the ground whie the backrest still supports the upper and lower back.
"For gods sake the staff are eighty per cent ladies," Mike protested.
"Who sit on their skirts," Ian pointed out, "Creasing them, so with the type 43 the skirt falls naturally like sitting on a stool yet with a back rest."
Mike frowned, "Are you seriously trying to tell me that creased jackets and skirts equate to a loss of twenty percent efficiency?"
"No," Ian replied, "I mean yes, no, I mean it's not creases, its the improved efficiency in time management terms."
"Right anyone really believe a fancy chair is the answer to our problems?" Mike asked, "Right thanks very much for that Ian, but some of us have work to do."
"The type 43 LE has a leather seat," Ian explained, "The LA Latex, and the 43 A polished Aluminium."
"Do we actually care," Mike asked. "Does anyone actually give a fuck?"
Ian smiled, "The 43 D range is also available with a choice of seats as above and either a fixed dildo in the FD model, or the Rampant Rabbit in the RR or the fully computerised."
"What?" Mike demanded, "Do you mean Dildo?"
Ian continued, "Absolutely, it provides hands free masturbation for female staff members, which our studies have shown is itself responsible for notable efficiency improvements."
Karen suddenly took notice, "What wanking while we work?"
"Absolutely," Ian agreed, "Why not?"
"It's disgusting!" Karen said awkwardly.
"As is standing on one leg using the loo brush," Ian countered.
"Have you been spying on me?" Karen demanded.
"Absolutely," Ian agreed, "A full time and motion survey was carried out and ninety percent plus of the time wasted was in the ladies loo which is why we suggest adopting the Hirondell Akamura concept for your office needs."
"Look, Ian," Mike said angrily, "I don't want to sound rude but what the fuck has chairs and dildoes got to do with loo breaks or efficiency?"
"The unique design of the type 43 allows the discreet," Ian continued.
"For fucks sake!" Mike exploded, "I have an office to run, anything else?"
"No," Karen said, "Lets hear, discreet wanking, is that it, does the thought of women wanking all day, frigging themselves endlessly on a lump of plastic get you off or something?"
"No!" said Mike blushing furiously.
"I meant Ian," Karen corrected.
"No, not any more," Ian admitted.
"So how the hell does women frigging themselves all day improve efficiency?" Mike demanded.
"By reducing trips to the washroom," Ian explained, "A 43D can reduce times to under seven minutes from nineteen and a half, remember, while a 43C or DC or DCL can eradicate washroom visits almost entirely."
"What the fuck is a 43 DC?" Mike demanded.
Ian smiled, "C is for commode, with the separate backrest."
"A fucking what!" Mike exploded.
"Commode," Ian explained.
"Oh my god, you expect us to pee at out desks!" Karen gasped.
"Yes, didn't I explain?" Ian said apologetically, "I'm new to this I'm afraid, I usually sell used cars."
"No," Mike said, "Fucking hell."
"We would want more money," Karen said.
"But a 43 DC would give more job satisfaction," Ian offered.
"I suppose," Karen agreed, "We would need to try it."
"Yeah," Maggie Karen's colleague agreed, "Need to try it first."
"Absolutely," Ian agreed, "Would you like one to try here or would you like to come to our showroom?"
"Here," Maggie said.
"Okey dokey," Ian said, "They come in white, off white, black and aluminium, leather latex or aluminium seat, fixed dildo, rampant rabbit or fully computerised, and standard, commode or commode latrine models?"
"We'll have the GTX with alloy thingies, I don't know!" Maggie chipped in.
"Whats the difference?" Mike asked.
Ian looked at his booklet, "Just over two thousand pounds, the L has an extractor fan over the C and."
"Anything," Mike agreed, "Lets get some work done OK?"
Ian continued, "The other product you may like is the Hirondell Akamura type 12 office desk, with a unique sculpted edge and high back to the working area and positive keyboard and handset location combined with an ability to tilt to 45 degrees."
"Why the fuck would you want to tilt a desktop to 45 degrees?" Mike asked.
"Ah, it might be easier to watch the video," Ian suggested, "Can I use your PC?"
"Fucking hell," Mike snorted, "Ok make it snappy!"
Ian slipped his memory stick into Mike's big combined tower and server and fiddled with the keyboard, an image flashed across Mikes 42 inch monitor, a smartly dressed Japanese woman in a knee length skirt and jacket arriving at work played twenty times faster than real life.
She whizzed and twirled her way through reception and up the elevator to her office as subtitles flashed across the screen, hung her jacket up, and just as she slipped off her panties Ian slowed the film to show the type 43 with the backrest folded across the seat.
She lifted the backrest revealing the oval leather seat and the ceramic bowl below, she pulled the dildo up to the vertical position, operated the flushing mechanism and gently eased herself down onto the dildo ensuring her skirt fell into the gap between the backrest and the seat.
"Stockings recommended," Ian explained as the subtitles flashed across in Korean or Chinese.
"Bloody hell," Frank spoke for the first time as he watched her soft pink pussy lips engulfing the slightly pliable white plastic dildo.
"Jeee sus!" Charlie added as the sudden glimpse of the woman's stocking tops, suspenders, inner thigh and shaved pussy disappeared hidden by her skirt.
She put on her headphones, started her computer and pressed a switch which moved the chair forward towards the high backed desk.
"I'll whizz through the next bit," Ian explained as the woman smiled and then gyrated at what the speeded up tape made appear to be a frantic speed.
"Damn!" Ian swore as a man quite suddenly entered the Japanese woman's office and pushed her over the desk, "Back a bit, that is a type 12 desk," he explained, "Watch how she smiles at her boss, see the chair is powering back, she stands, he drops his trousers, she bends and the desk tilts 45 degrees until the padded desk edge supports her tummy."
"Blimy look at his Charlie!" Maggie said, "I mean his dong!"
The Japanese man stood suddenly freeze frame his tool rearing 250mm or more as he stood behind the woman, his pants around his ankles while she continued to type and talk to a customer on the phone.
They watched as he lifted her skirt, the camera panned to the sopping wet dildo still spearing up from the ceramic pan below the chair seat and back to her as she bent over the raised desk top, her shaved cunt glistening in anticipation.
Subtitles flashed as he grabbed at his straining cock and eased it between her soft pink cunt lips, she gasped briefly and continued talking, her hands flying over the keyboard as he began to ream her, "See she barely missed a minute," he explained.
"What she's still taking the call?" Karen asked.
"Oh yes, yes they have a bonus system," Ian said, "He's finished," he said as the Japanese man's face contorted and a big beaming smile lit the woman's face.
The man wasted no time in grabbing a tissue from the dispenser built into the Type 43 backrest and wiping the girls cunt clean and dry, next he flipped the dildo to the down position and pushed the chair forward so the girl could sit down, and pulled the desk back to the horizontal.
She kept working, but a big smile crossed her face, Ian rewound the video, "There, she's having a pee, see she'll wipe herself, see there, and now, look she's re setting the dildo and she's wanking herself again."
"Bloody hell, you could get done for tapes like that!" Charlie exclaimed.
"It's a promotional video not pornographic material," Ian explained, "Different regulations."
"Is that a real office?" Maggie asked.
"Absolutely," Ian confirmed, "Hirondell Akamura have sold thousands of these specialist products all over the pacific rim and of course the Chinese have a 'Forward march,' copy which has an unfortunate tendency to leak all over the floor, but they can't sell them here, but no, it's a typical Japanese office and the Hirondell Akamura 12 and 43 are tried and tested kit."
"What do they do there?" Karen asked, "I that office as a matter of interest?"
"Porno chat lines, lonely hearts, femdom, bondage, CBT, pissing, all the usual stuff, basically the same as you do here," Ian explained.
"We sell Life Insurance," Frank explained laconically, "You want next door."
"How about you let us have some for a trial, dozen 43s and a couple of 12s," Mike suggested,
"Then we can use the ladies bog for a snooker room," Frank added, confirming what they already knew, he was quite quite mad.