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Introduction:

Real life experiences don't always turn out great, but what if things went differently?
This is based on real experiences. I guess you could call it a form of therapy.

Yeah, I know this little introduction doesn’t have the lust-fueled, steamy action of most stories. That’ll come in the next chapters. What comes next would be my fantasies of Matt and I having a different relationship if only I had done things better. For now, you’ll just have to wait for the next chapter.

WARNING : This story contains no sex...yet.

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I’m Sam and I’m madly in love with someone. There’s only one problem though – I have a complicated history with the guy I’m in love with. Let’s call him Matt for now. I know what you’re thinking. “Go and talk to him! Let him know how you feel!” Yeah, right. As if it’s that easy. You see, Matt and I are different like the Sahara is from the Himalayas. Matt is one of the hottest dudes in the school with a smile that can make your heart melt. He’s nice, popular, and way out of my league. You could call him the Ryan Reynolds or Ryan Gosling of our school. Both girls and boys want to go out with him for either love or a shag. I envy him being chased around though I know he’s not as smart as I am. Meanwhile, I’m just your average dude – average looks, a little round around the edges, and plain. Nothing remarkable here. I’ve won state and national championships with my wits and skills, but nobody but only a few friends care anyway. After all, I’m not the ideal poster boy for anything despite my merits. Honestly, I’d trade all my assets with his to feel wanted even just for a day.

Anyway, back to this love thing. I met Matt 3 years ago in a class. I even remember the clothes he wore that day I first saw him – a yellow shirt, white pants, and this little bag he always carries with him. He smelled faintly of deodorant and had a bit of scruff on his face. There were other hot guys in that class, but for some reason, he was the only one that made my heart beat quicker than usual. He smiled at me and I realized I was staring at him, so I quickly looked away hoping that nobody noticed.

He was my classmate in other classes over a period of 3 semesters. During that time, I forced myself to make small talk with him just to hear him speak and have him close to me. Before long, I was offering to do his assignments for him to get even closer. Being stupid and naïve at the time, I was hoping that my actions would bring us close enough to become good friends and maybe a bit more. No, I’m not talking about friends with benefits. I wanted him to be my boyfriend.

So this thing with me offering to do his work for him continued until someone told me that Matt was probably taking advantage of my affection for him. Obviously, that hurt me a lot and I stopped doing things for him, growing cold towards him in the process. Maybe it confused him a bit to see me becoming more distant from him, but I really didn’t care. That’s when I crashed and embarked on a fruitless vendetta that would only end up hurting both Matt and I.

I spread rumors about him, accessed a school Facebook page and deleted his pictures from a special album, and changed the way I originally saw him into a twisted image. My desire for him was replaced by anger and hatred and I tried to ruin others’ perception of him with every opportunity. Unfortunately, I had a change of heart and told him everything. It crushed him. It crushed me.

“I thought we were friends. What have I ever done to you?”

That Facebook message...I stared at it every day since he sent it. He’s right. What did he ever do to me? After everything I did, I realized he never even knew I liked him. I spiraled into depression - cutting myself, smoking up to 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drinking, and having an aggressive attitude towards everyone. My grades went from excellent to average and I became this miserable, bipolar human with terrible mood swings. The few friends I had described me like a girl on her period, but worse and way longer.

If you ever heard of the saying “kill your enemies with kindness,” that’s how our relationship has been since then. Despite everything I’ve done to him, he was still nice towards me and I realized I still loved him...if you could call what I’ve been feeling as “love.”

I didn’t want to go through that phase of crazy, Taylor Swift-like actions, so I tried to drown out my feelings for him by avoiding him. I think he was interested in becoming friends again, but knowing myself, I’d be letting myself into a trap because I just couldn’t stop feeling so much for the damn guy. In the midst of my campaign to at least try to shut out my feelings for him, I got drunk and sent him several texts. The next morning, I was horrified to see the messages on my phone.

“I love you. I’ll take care of you. Please give me a chance.”

“Now I understand, Sam. You love me.”

I threw my phone clear across the room and cried for the first time in a long time. I told myself “I’m ruined.” That text...what if someone saw it? What if he spreads it as payback for what I did to him in the past?

I returned to school miserable. I just knew someone saw that text so I told my friends. Apparently, I also told a few other people I thought I could trust. Before long, some people I knew, but didn’t tell my secret to, were teasing me whenever Matt and I were within sight of each other or in private. That pushed me to become resentful of people in general. I tried to make people think differently by being mean towards Matt whenever he was the topic of conversations, but that backfired and people teased me even more.

“Oh please. You love him. You’re just being bitter.”

Yes, I was being bitter and I still am. Up until the time Matt graduated and disappeared from the halls, I kept telling myself he was just an inconvenience. Apparently, I still feel otherwise. Right now, I feel regret. I wished I played my cards right. I wish I wasn’t so stupid to cause so much trouble for both of us. I wish I could’ve been nicer and just treasured our friendship rather than letting my feeling control me and ruining everything.

I miss him. I love him. I want to turn back time and redo everything, but we all know that’s not possible.

As I was manning one of the school offices one day, a friend came up to me and told me I wasted the opportunity and time I was with him. I could’ve done better. There was a chance we could’ve been together if only I wasn’t such a vindictive idiot.

I had four years and a chance, but I wasted it all.

I lost him and there’s no way to get him back.

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