Tifa, Cloud, and Barret must enter a secret bar in Junon where only the shaven are allowed, forcing Tifa to take an unconventional approach to this rule. A humorous story without any sexual acts.
Cloud, Barret, and Tifa finally reached Junon, a bustling port city alive with sailors, street vendors, and the constant hum of Shinra’s machines. Their mission was urgent: a crucial lead on Shinra’s next move was hidden somewhere in town, and the only place to get the information was a secret bar.
As they made their way through the crowded streets, Tifa’s eyes caught a narrow alleyway tucked between two fish stalls. On the wall gleamed a strange golden symbol—a perfectly bald head, polished so it shone like a Materia orb.
Barret squinted. “The hell’s this? Some kinda hairless cult?”
Cloud pushed aside a curtain of hanging beads shaped like razors. At the end was a heavy wooden door, the word “Shaved” carved deep into it. From within came laughter, murmurs, and the clinking of mugs.
When they reached the door, Cloud reached forward to ring the small brass bell. The door creaked open, revealing a bald, stern-looking manager peering through a small window. After glancing at them for a moment manager angrily responds - “You’re not adhering to the rules,” he said sharply, before slamming the window shut, leaving the party blinking in surprise.
The three huddled together in the alley, tension rising. “Well… that’s not going to work,” Barret muttered, pacing. Cloud crossed his arms, frowning. “We must get inside. The mission depends on it.”
"Are you gonna shave, spiky boy?" - Barret jokes: "We dont even have time for that, any minute delay and we can loose track of Sephiroth!"
"True, we must get in right now!" - Cloud stressed the urgency.
Tifa shifted nervously, glancing between them. Her cheeks flushed, her hands fidgeting at her sides. “Well… I think... i have an idea!”
Barret blinked. “What do you have in mind Tifa?”
Tifa hesitated, then smiled faintly, though her face was pink. “Guys, trust me on this one!”
She called the bell approached the window, swallowing hard. “Hello… I really need to get inside. Can we have a 1-1 talk, i believe i can convice you that i do adhere to the rules.”
The manager frowned, eyes narrowing. “Excuse me? You have… a lot of hair. How can you qualify?”
Tifa’s cheeks deepened to crimson. She lowered her gaze, hesitating, hands twisting nervously. “Mister Manager, please let me talk to you.
The manager blinked, clearly confused. “What do you mean?”
Tifa swallowed hard, voice shaking slightly. “Rules are rules. Could you step outside please?”
The manager’s eyes squinted in suspicion, his bald head reflecting the lantern light. “Hm, this is unusual but okay, lets see.”
The heavy door opened and the bald manager stepped outside. "Okay miss, how will you proove it?"
Tifa’s face immediately turned crimson. She swallowed hard, twisting her gloves nervously. "Cloud, Barret can you please turn your backs? And... don’t look…Don’t even think about it!”
Barret froze, wide-eyed. “…Turn away? Are you serious?!”
Cloud’s ears tinged pink. “…Understood.” He reluctantly averted his gaze.
The manager squinted at her, confused. “Well…”
Cloud and Barret were silent. Only thing they heard was Tifa gulping and some noises.
After a few seconds they heard the bar manager - his voice trembled. “Miss what are you! Oh... Well, um, this is unusual for sure, but i think you do qualify for an entry. In any case we can make an exception.”
"Guys, you can turn now" - Tifa said.
As they saw the manager, his face was red and eyes looked excited.
Tifa, cheeks still pink but a small mischievous smile tugging at her lips, said, “Hehe… see? I told you I had a plan.”
"Follow me, miss" - the manager called Tifa.
She stepped past them into the bar, trying to keep her composure, though her face still burned.
Barret scratched his head, still wide-eyed. “…I don’t… I don’t even know what just happened.”
Cloud’s lips twitched, a faint smirk threatening to escape. “…Neither do I.”
Inside, every head turned toward Tifa. Murmurs spread quickly:
“Wait… she’s not bald!”
“Why is she even here?”
“Does she really qualify?”
The manager raised his hand. “Quiet! I’ve checked her… she qualifies. Completely… clean and smooth. Just not on her head!”
The room went silent for a heartbeat. Tifa’s cheeks burned hotter than a Mako reactor.
She froze, ready to sink into the floor in embarrassment, but the mission came first. Tifa glanced at Cloud and Barret those heard the manager, their faces were shocked and eyes wide.
She forced herself to walk forward, ignoring the whispering patrons and stares of Cloud and Barret.
Barret rubbed his temples. “Oh… oh no. I knew it… I did not need to picture that.”
Cloud tilted his head, voice quiet but dry. “…So… that explains why she always moves so fast in battle.”
Tifa’s face flamed red, but she focused on the mission.
***
About 20 minutes later, Tifa finally emerged from the bar, cheeks still blazing.
Barret couldn’t help himself. He let out a low whistle. “Damn, Tifa… So that’s why your kicks are so fast - no hair, no friction, all power.”
Cloud, smirking faintly despite himself, added deadpan, “…Guess ‘aerodynamics’ isn’t just for airships.”
Tifa’s face turned an even deeper shade of crimson. She shoved them both. “Cloud! Barret! Stop it! I got the information we needed, that’s all! And if you ever, ever mention this again, I will beat the crap out of both of you!”
Tifa’s face flamed bright red. She whirled, fists clenched. “And I need a really strong drink!”
Barret chuckled. “Strong, huh? Don’t worry, we’ll make it strong enough to match… y’know… the smoothness of your operation back there.”
Tifa’s ears burned even hotter. “…Barret!”
Cloud, trying to suppress a smirk, added deadpan: “Well… at least the planet’s shaved—uh, I mean saved.”
Tifa’s face flamed bright red. She whirled around, fists clenched, and launched a swift kick toward Barret’s side while aiming a punch at Cloud. “I said stop! I MEAN IT!”
Barret jumped back, rubbing his ribs. “Okay! Okay! No more jokes! We get it!”
Cloud raised his hands in surrender, stepping aside. “Alright, alright… we’re done. Let’s just… move on.”
Tifa huffed, still flushed, muttering under her breath. “…Finally. I need that drink now.”
Barret and Cloud fell silent, exchanging glances. For once, they weren’t teasing. There was a pause, almost a moment of quiet awe. “…She really did it,” Barret muttered under his breath, shaking his head. “I mean… wow. Talk about dedication to the mission.”
Cloud nodded slightly, still silent, his eyes reflecting a quiet respect. “Yeah… that was… impressive. Really.”
The three of them moved through the streets toward the next bar, Tifa leading the way with a brisk stride, still flushed but determined to regain her composure.
Barret followed, still rubbing his side and muttering soft chuckles, though the teasing had died down. Cloud stayed close, a faint smirk tugging at his lips—but even he didn’t joke.