When my mother died in my arms I experienced a breakdown. During counselling I was advised to keep a journal, recording all the incidents in my life, and the resulting subsequent thoughts and feelings. The following stories are based on extracts from my journal concerning my experience of sexual relationships in later life
Chapter Three.
Due to my strict religious upbringing I was never given guidance on sexual matters by my mother. I had no moral compass, the only guidance I had received was from the overheard conversations of the woman working in the pottery where I had my first job. I now realise that they had no morals at all. Everything they spoke or boasted about I took as generally acceptable and normal between couples. I went along with what was suggested to me basing my decisions on, not if anything was right or wrong or frowned upon by society, but whether I thought I would enjoy it.
I was in fact a naive victim waiting for an abuser. I suppose I was lucky that my first love was Valerie.
It was arranged that both of them would ‘visit’ me the next Sunday afternoon.
I was so nervous and excited; I think I showered twice and brushed my hair three times that morning and even trimmed off the little bit of fluff that was posing as pubic hair. I found the kimono that had been a leaving present from my department at Selfridges, blue and red silk with golden dragons all over, it was still in its cellophane wrapper in my wardrobe. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked pretty good. It occurred to me that I would be a different woman by that evening. Then I fussed around arranging some snacks and little sandwiches, I wasn’t sure what was expected by the guests to a mini orgy, anyway it passed the time.
There was a knock at the door and I let them in and led them into the sitting room. There was an awkward silence, but as usual Valerie took charge and gave me a big hug and a kiss. Paul seemed a bit subdued and gave me a peck on the cheek. She gave a little giggle and slipped behind me, fondling me through the silk of the kimono and then suddenly pulled the cord loose and there I was practically naked, with a man who was all eyes standing a couple of feet in front of me. She cupped my breasts with her hands and lifted them, almost as if she was offering to him, he needed no further invitation and was fondling and kissing my breasts, all the time I was thinking ‘Oh God it’s going to happen’.
She whispered “”Open your legs”
I shuffled my feet about a little.
‘Wider’ ,
I parted my legs so wide that if she hadn’t been there holding me, I would have fallen. Her hands slipped down between my legs caressing my vulva, and holding my labia she pulled out and up so I was wide open, once again as if she was displaying me to him.
’m not stupid and thinking about this later it was obvious that they had rehearsed or practised their moves or perhaps this was a carry over from their group sex parties. I didn’t care, I had discovered a deep down need to be displayed, admired and just used.
He of course pounced straight away, fingering me. I was quite tense but he managed to slide a finger into my vagina at the same time gently massaging my clitoris, then kneeling down he engulfed my vulva with his mouth. He was doing it differently to her, she would mostly use her tongue, licking and flicking: he was using his whole mouth almost as if he was preparing to eat me, I just closed my eyes and surrendered to whatever he was going to do.
Val must have felt a bit left out of things as she pulled the kimono over my shoulders and threw it on the ground leaving me naked and pushing him away she led me to the sofa and sat me down, then pulling off her tee shirt and jogging bottoms and kicking her trainers across the room she sat next to me, two naked ladies solemnly watching him strip off.
Unfortunately, he managed to get a shoe stuck in his jeans and he was hopping around on one leg like a mad thing, this of course sent us into a spasm of giggling which led to hilarious hugging and soon we were off kissing and cuddling without him.
He eventually managed to get stripped off and I could inspect my first naked man. Hardly the maidens dream of love. Like her he was stocky and hairy, with a bit of a paunch. What really caught my attention was his penis, sticking straight out from a large mop of black pubic hair.
It was not what I had imagined. From what I had learned as a teenager from the pot bank girls back home in Stoke on Trent, I was expecting something snakelike ~ this was stubby and thick and my first thought was that I would never be able to take that inside me.
She reached out and took his penis in hand and rubbed it backwards and forwards and then took my hand and showed me what to do. I really liked the silky feel of his skin moving backwards and forwards over the rigid part. I was still amazed at the thickness, I couldn't close my hand around it.
What followed was a disaster. After some very pleasant playful kissing, licking and laughing, I ended up lying in my back with my head on her lap more or less wedged between the bottom of her breasts and my ankles were on his shoulders whilst he, penis in hand was rubbing the tip of it up and down my vulva and around my clitoris.
I was really enjoying the moment until he said something like ‘Here we go’ and suddenly pushed against the entrance of my vagina. I don’t suppose anything more than the tip went into me. I gave a yelp, pushed him away with my feet and struggled to sit up.
“You idiot” She was annoyed with him for rushing things.
I was tearful, she was angry, but when she said perhaps they should leave, I found myself apologising for not allowing myself to be split wide open.
"You can't go, I've made sandwiches"
Valerie started her infectious laughter. The mood lightened and she suggested things would be more comfortable if we went to my bedroom. I followed her upstairs watching the jiggle of her naked bottom and he followed behind me so I tried a jiggle for his benefit, it seemed to do the trick as I felt a kiss on the small of my back and a hand slide between my legs as we reached the top.
In the bedroom he pulled me to him and tried to give me a sloppy kiss, I could feel his penis pressing hard against my belly, she pushed him away and we ended up on the lying across the bed in her favourite position, me on my back, legs spread and her on top, her mouth glued to my vulva and mine to hers. I was trying the method he had performed on me earlier, munching on her with my lips and tongue and rescuing the occasional hair from my mouth with a free hand. I was aware of him kneeling on the bed with his knees either side of my head. His hands appeared and he spread her buttocks. Then just like that he pushed his penis into her vagina.
No wonder she was so loose and lippy down there, having taken that fat thing inside her several times a week for twenty odd years. She gave a little squeal and redoubled her efforts on my vulva and clitoris. I was fascinated, as he pushed into her, all her vulva folded in with him, and it looked as if he was being gripped by a hairy glove, and as he pulled out, she opened up and her inner lips clung onto him as if trying to stop him escaping.
I had to turn my head a little to avoid his testicles flopping across my face, and I could just reach her clitoris with the tip of my tongue. I could feel my orgasm building up, and she was starting to push back fast and hard against him making her usual noises, I followed suit clamping my thighs against her head and I think I was quite noisy.
He was still pushing backwards and forward into her; I could hear him groaning and suddenly he pulled completely out of her and pushed his penis against my lips and ejaculated. The first spurt went into my mouth, but as I automatically turned my face away, he spurted on my cheek, neck, hair and I think even in my ear.
I didn’t know what to do with the semen in my mouth, I thought it might be rude to spit it out so I swallowed it. It tasted musty, salty and almost a bit stale, it was definitely astringent as it caught against the back of my mouth as it went down. It wasn’t totally unpleasant and I thought that if he enjoyed doing that, it was something I could do.
We had all collapsed in a contented heap, but when we had sorted ourselves out and she saw the state of me with my messy hair sticking to my face, she had a few choice words with him and pushed him off the bed.
Grabbing my hand, she led me to the bathroom. He tried to get into the shower with us but she pulled the door shut and he stood outside watching us through the glass like a rejected schoolboy.
She washed my hair and I just stood there as she soaped me all over and rinsed me off. I could see him peering hopefully through the steamed-up shower door. We finished and grabbing an armful of towels we jiggled past him leaving him to rinse off alone.
After a quick towel dry and a brushing, she had my hair looking nearly decent and we went down to the kitchen to make tea and get the snacks I had prepared from the fridge.
After a few minutes we could hear him calling from upstairs, but ignored him. We heard him coming down the stairs and wrapped ourselves in towels. He was dripping wet, she had grabbed the towel I had put out for him on the way downstairs. She was horrible to him sometimes.
I noticed his fat penis had now shrunk, and was now a little nub almost hidden by his pubic hair. He must have been embarrassed by me staring and grabbing a towel, he disappeared into the living room.
We wandered into the living room with the tea trays to find him dressed and sitting in one of the armchairs. I put a little side table next to his chair for his cup, milk jug ,and sugar bowl, and left the rest for us on the coffee table by the sofa. We went back into the kitchen for the snacks I had prepared, I could tell from her expression that she was up to something. She whispered in my ear and took our towels off.
Stark naked we went back to the living room with trays of snacks and fussed round him. I poured his tea and served him with sandwiches and scone with jam and an egg cup full of butter while she was asking if he was comfortable and should she fetch a cushion from another chair, I could tell he was wary of what she was up to but it didn’t stop him sliding a hand between my thighs, she gave him a playful punch on the shoulder and told him he had had his chance.
We sat down opposite him with our buttocks on the edge of the sofa. She reached over and spread my legs wide and pulled my labia open, she then arranged herself the same way. So we sat there, our vaginas looking at him accusingly while we ate small crust-less triangular cucumber sandwiches and sipped tea from my mother’s best Spode bone china, with our little fingers crooked like a pair of naughty Duchesses.
I think she loved him dearly, but she had to be in control all the time.
Later in bed I lay thinking on the events of the day, thinking about what I had heard from the girls in the pottery all those years ago about taking their boyfriend’s semen in their mouths to avoid the dangers of pregnancy. At the time I was a little disgusted because I had just found out that men urinate through the same hole, and the smell of the men’s urinal in the factory wasn’t pleasant at all.
Having had just a little taste I thought it wasn’t as nasty as I would have thought it would be, so I was happy to try it again. It also occurred to me that although the very tip of his penis had pushed into me before I objected, technically I was still an old maid.