| 2005-09-07 09:13:23 |
THE FIRST TIME_(6)
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Hannah, you have a pretty good geasp of the language but the inconsistancies hurt the story. If they had been kissing before this weekend and in the park, than why do they act surprised at the chemistry? Who wears a bra to bed? They went back into the tent, how did they end up on the grass. The story also needs more visuals, that is why people get bored with the story. What do they look like, what color is the tent, are they in the mountains of Tennessee, or the Texas hill country, give us something to see. Also, you need to break the paragraph each time you add dialogue or change speakers. to paraphrase St Bobo, erotica is pretty straight forward, its all about setting, characters, and descriptions. You put a lot of effort into a story, make it count. Keep writing Hannah. |