| 2007-12-21 05:45:18 |
Sweet Sarah_(0)
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seems as if ur new to writing, thats cool, we all have to start somewhere. makesure to proof read, always always go back to check. wait a day or so and re-read it. u may even think of something to add that will make the story better. ur idea was good, kinda crude for the char to treat and talk to the girl is he is so infatuated with her. in this case 'whore' doesnt do the story well. in my mind there is nothing about evan that sarah could possibly desire. u have shown him to be sweet but dumb for the most part, and rude when he gets what he finaly wants. the ending doesnt help me feel differently about him. the idea u have is good, just build on it. 6/10 |
| 2007-12-31 22:31:37 |
Sweet Sarah_(0)
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i liked it you need to work on your writeing a lil and if it is your first time build on it lern from your mistakes and work on them other wise good story |
| 2008-01-05 22:45:33 |
Sweet Sarah_(0)
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haha i wish i could just ask my mom if some chick could spend the night and shes like YEAH :D |
| 2008-02-02 02:11:46 |
Sweet Sarah_(0)
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Awesome story exept the part wer he askd if the girl cud spend the night. No parent wud ever say yes |
| 2007-12-02 06:45:46 |
Sweet Sarah 2
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that did not make any since at all if he stuck it in her pussy why was he in her ass.....that was a waste of time to read....2/10 |