| 2005-10-11 04:09:13 |
babysitting my babysister
|
Work on your spelling. Try to write like you want to write, not some garbage netspeak |
| 2005-10-11 08:31:05 |
babysitting my babysister
|
Huh hah... look i just cant belive that this is a true story. She acts like a robot or something. You had a slight bit of "passion" (get to know that word) at the start of the sex, but seriously, i think that you need to put in more emotion into the stroy. Sex is never un-emotional, except if it is rape, which is wrong. Anyway, from the content of the stroy, i KNOW that you can write much better than this. You story is wonderful, just the actuall wrting of it is slightly off. Also i would like to congradualte you on being able to post on the site. It takes a lot of courage, and i hope that you keep on returning, no matter if i or anyone else makes discouraging critiq. |
| 2005-10-11 08:32:31 |
babysitting my babysister
|
Work on your spelling. Good story; lets her about you eat her pussy. |
| 2005-10-11 08:44:10 |
babysitting my babysister
|
Why did it change from her legs to 'his' legs and ect. lol dude, work on spelling, but other than that, woot, ok concept. But should be longer and the sister should be reluctant at first. |
| 2005-10-11 09:54:20 |
babysitting my babysister
|
bad boy! fuck you! |